I may just need to vent about this, but seeing the other thread made me relate to the situation... long so feel free to ignore
I tend to be very private at work. I'm friendly with many, especially my small department, but I don't open up to more than a handful of people. And the person I'm closest to is the only one I would ever consider a friend, even outside of work. I'll call her Jane. We've been close and confided much in each other in the past few years.
I have seen a pattern in her friendships with others, where she will be hurt by what she takes as a slight against her. While I respect that her feelings are hurt, from an outside perspective, it's usually what I consider a severe over-reaction to something that was likely not intentional or even a conscious decision. She's often relayed the situation to me and I try to remind her that the offender likely just was caught up in their own lives and didn't mean it. Her usual reaction is to ignore and be mad at them, and eventually confront them, discuss what was wrong, and apologies are given.
Well, what goes around comes around right?
Since I came back to work 5 weeks ago (from a brief medical leave for fracture in my hand), she's ignored me completely except for work related interactions. I was actually really hurt by this, because the last time I was at work wrapping things up when my Doc told me to stop working, I was having a complete mental breakdown and she was the only person I confided in at the time. (I found out that day that I didn't have disability coverage, which meant however long I was going to be out, plus for my maternity leave, I have no company benefits AT ALL.)
So I knew something was up when she refused to ask how I was, how my hand was, how my pregnancy was... And yes, I know that like the advice I have given her, she may just have been busy and stressed with her own stuff - but knowing that she would never tolerate that from one of her friends, and that she usually would never neglect her friends in such a way, I was quite hurt by her actions.
I also know from her patterns, that she must have taken some offense to something I did, and is expecting me to apologize. But I can't imagine WHAT I possibly did! The only possible things:
- The day I had the breakdown, she was trying to help by sending me old emails, which really just made me feel stupid because apparently it was spelled out quite clearly what we had to do to have disability coverage (at the time, though, I had no clue it covered maternity leave, and I was single.) She may think that I was not appreciative, but I was crying and freaking out, I was not in the best frame of mind.
- When I returned, I was given a task and she had been involved in the project, so she said "be sure to do XYZ". This complicated my task, as I had not worked on the project in over a year, and had a computer upgrade so the software wasn't even on my machine. I asked if she could help (as it would be 30 minutes max for her - took me 2 days dealing with IT to get the program then 3 hours to recall how to do it and get it done.) but she was very busy. I said "no problem, I'll get it done." In trying to determine what had to be done ASAP and when XYZ had to be completed, the project manager took the discussion to Jane, despite my attempts to say no, I was handling it, Jane is busy. So, it's possible she is upset that I asked for her help (although I completely accepted no for an answer) or brought PM over to her, even though I tried to stop him (she wouldn't know that.)
That's it, the only possible things I can think of for her to take offense. Unless it's something completely off my radar. Oh wait, one more!
- There was a temp consultant in our group for a year who was very offensive particularly to women (I had complained here, and to HR about him, but no one would remove him from the department). At his goodbye luncheon, Jane and I were both equally eager to not sit anywhere near him. I just was trying to judge the seating situation as people approached the table, but she literally PUSHED me out of the way to get in front of me to get a seat, and then he almost sat right next to her - she called over another coworker to sit between them. I hung back and managed to get at the other end of the table. (9 people total). She was upset that I ended up in a better spot, meanwhile she was the one who behaved horribly in the pushing and making another person sit next to her.
Her attitude is spilling into our work interactions (I know her well, although she says nothing wrong it's completely clear to me), and when I tried to ask about it she denied it and said "she hasn't said a word to me. feel how you want to feel." I didn't continue the conversation because I feel she's expecting me to grovel and apologize for something, and I frankly feel that I deserve an apology from her as she's not behaved like my friend for over a month.
I know the answer for the work environment is to behave professionally and politely, and just leave it at that, but I'm seriously hurt by all this and it's like a friendship breakup which makes things much messier. But I also don't know that I really want to repair the friendship, as I just see this being her usual pattern and don't feel like being a sucker who goes through it more than once if that makes sense. The situation is pushing all my "end of friendship" insecurities from when I went through a bad patch of friendship breakups, and even if it's mostly their issues each time it makes me feel like something is wrong with me.
cookie if you made it through all that! I just haven't been able to vent and articulate this to anyone else (my husband just isn't getting it lol), so it's helpful to do that, though I welcome any advice or commiserations!