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MIL is peeved at me - is she right? (inc. pic of awesome cake!) NEW UPDATE #75

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Slartibartfast:
Babybartfast turns 4 today (Monday), but we had a birthday party for her on Saturday.  A friend of mine made the cake and it was DELICIOUS.  Babybartfast pouted when she first saw it, however, because it wasn't what she expected/wanted.  MIL took Babybartfast aside and gave her a little talking-to and that was that - Babybartfast never really did tell us what she wanted on her cake, even though we asked several times, so she got a combination of things she likes:

(BALLERINA ASTRONAUT BIKER DINOSAURS IN SPACE!  Cool, right?  She's played with the dinosaurs several times since then!)

Anyway, MIL called this morning - since Babybartfast was so disappointed with her cake, MIL wants to take her out to Baskin Robbins and get her ANOTHER cake today for her real birthday.  I told MIL I would really rather she didn't - I'm happy with MIL taking her out for ice cream, if she wants to, but Babybartfast already got her cake and I don't want to reward her for turning her nose up at it because it's not what she expected or wanted.  I get why she did - she's only four, and hasn't learned to smile politely even when disappointed yet - but I don't want MIL to run out and buy her another one.  MIL said the equivalent of "Fine, I won't pick her up then," and immediately called DH who then called me.  Apparently he had told her it was okay.  He's in favor of Babybartfast getting another cake "since it's her birthday" and just making no connection to her liking or not liking the other cake (which we still have quite a bit of left).

Rather than argue with DH over the phone I just said fine if it's a one-serving thing and is otherwise treated like going out for ice cream would normally be.  However, now I'm second-guessing myself - am I being unreasonably harsh?  DH and I usually don't disagree on parenting things like this (at least, I see it as a parenting thing) so that's making me less willing to blame it all on MIL not understanding our parenting boundaries.

heartmug:
It seems like more of a DH problem.  He probably should have said "Let me discuss it first and I will get back to you mom."  He might have seen it as not a big deal, but I agree with you because I would also want my kids to know that it is one cake per birthday not cake after cake until you get the one you really want.

dharmaexpress:
First I want to fawn over that cake; I think it's too cool for a 4-year-old to appreciate.  A T-rex with a tutu?  I'd be beside myself for a cake like that, and I'm in my 40s.   :D


--- Quote ---However, now I'm second-guessing myself - am I being unreasonably harsh?  DH and I usually don't disagree on parenting things like this (at least, I see it as a parenting thing) so that's making me less willing to blame it all on MIL not understanding our parenting boundaries.
--- End quote ---

What I know about parenting would fit in a teaspoon, so I'll just ask how much this particular lesson matters at this age.  I think your DH's idea is a good one - it's another birthday cake, not a replacement for a cake that disappointed her.  She does seem young to grasp being gracious with disappointment.

OTOH, I see exactly where you are coming from - I get your point completely.  But you've said you and he don't usually disagree, so I take from that he's a reasonable guy.  In which case I'd bend a little here, since you are otherwise working on your BabyBartFast's expectations and manners when it comes to gifts and cakes and such.

I really just posted to fawn over that amazing cake.  Someone will have more useful comments for you, no doubt.

Darcy:
The wrong was when MIL didn't get the answer she wanted and went to DH behind your back. Your original decision was fine, and your MIL shouldn't have circumvented it.

bonyk:
I agree that as long as it's treated as another cake, not a replacement cake, it's okay. 

That said, MIL getting huffy over your decision is not okay.  I would call her and explain why you said no, and that you were unaware that DH had already said yes.  Depending on your relationship with her, I might even say something about being more respectful of your decisions in the future.

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