MIL is peeved at me - is she right? (inc. pic of awesome cake!) NEW UPDATE #75

[Virg]

My thought is that the presentation of the next cake is the important part of this.  Because she's four, Babybartfast is a little young to drag out a grudge against a cake unless she's reminded about it, so if MIL presents the new cake as "I wanted to get you this cake because you didn't like the last one" than that's bad but if it's "I wanted to get you this cake because I love you sooo much!" then all would be well.

As to not liking your answer, she asked your DH and got a "yes" then called you and got a "no", so I don't see calling him back as subversive because as a previous poster said, he's a parent too.

TootsNYC wrote:

"Both she and DH thought that you should be the final choice, right? And you made your choice. Changing your mind now will be just the same as giving in to a kid after they've thrown a tantrum. So don't change your mind."

I don't see it that way.  He didn't say anything like "ask Slartibartfast", he told MIL it was okay.  And so I see standing firm just because she called Slartibartfast to be not a hill worth dying on.  It's possible she asked her son for permission (and he said yes) and then called Slartibartfast to arrange the schedule rather than "moving up the chain".  In general, it's a good idea to maintain boundaries, but this particular fight could spin the wrong way.  There's nothing wrong with changing her mind after finding out he's okay with the idea, and such a thing would be acceptable even in front of a child because it shows that they discuss and come to an agreement, whichever side that agreement is on.

"I'd be sounding out DH about the "coordination of authority" business--did he think he'd given permission? What things does he want to be the final decider on, etc.? I wouldn't want him to think I was shutting him out. So I'd try to explore that."

Putting her foot down after he said yes has the effect of shutting him out, because calling a veto for something like this isn't a fight I'd want to take on.

Virg

[scansons]

First, my six year old son walked through as I started reading this thread.  Long story short, I need to know where you friend got her dinosaur tutu.  I've got a seventh birthday coming up in a couple months.  Obviously this is the coolest cake ever. 

Secondly, I think that as long as it's not handled as a replacement cake, but a normal treat, you're fine.  As others have said. 

I do wish your DH had checked with you first.  It would have circumvented MIL's snit.  I do hope you made it clear to MIL that the reason your daughter was unhappy was because she wouldn't tell you what she wanted.  Not because she made a request, and you ignored her.  Although, I'll be honest, MIL's snit would have made me dig in my heels harder.  Both because she went to DH to complain about you, and because it is a boundary breaker to me.  Mom says "no" then the answer is no.  Not whine until MIL gets her way. 

[gramma dishes]

I agree that she should not get a second cake.  Four years old is NOT too young to know that you don't get another one just because the original one was not (apparently) the cake of her dreams.  Not only that, I think I would mention to Babybartfast that the person who MADE her the cake had done so with much love and that it took her a lot of time and effort and that Babybartfast's negative reaction might have hurt that person's feelings.

As far as Grandma taking her out for ice cream for her birthday?  Great.  But when Grandma then followed up by refusing to do that after learning cake was not part of the deal, she simply put herself on the same emotional level as the four year old.  "If I can't do it exactly my way, then I'm not going to do it at all!"  Good grief!

Sorry your husband dropped the ball here, but I think he did.  That's my opinion and it's worth what you paid for it!  LOL!   

[taffywduck]

What makes this situation a little weird for me is that MIL didn't just tell you something like "Hey I just talked to DH and he said it was alright if I did X with Babybartfast so I'm checking up with you to see when I can come pick her up?".

Then you can say that you don't mind if she takes Baby out for ice cream, but you'd rather not have to deal with another whole birthday cake so MIL can then either just have a piece of cake (or fancy cupcake) with Baby or deal with having a whole sheetcake tempting her in HER fridge!

My main issue would be that MIL couldn't be bothered to tell you that your DH had already said yes and then she called him to tell that you were being a big meanie. If this is a pattern I'd have a talk with DH about it because it would make me feel like this is less about Baby getting a second cake than about MIL trying to drive a wedge between you and her son.

[SoCalVal]

I'd have to agree that MIL is acting with the same level of maturity as the four-year-old!  I think you and DH need to make sure you're on the same page, then have him call MIL and say, "We're okay with BBF going out for ice cream with you or having a single-serving of cake, but we don't want this to be a regular thing since we don't want to reward bad behavior" (or something like that), and it would be NOT rewarding both BBF AND MIL's bad behavior.

I would want to say no to the ice cream trip since MIL is being so immature, but I know if that were DF and me, he would be very unhappy with me so I'd have to be content to have a discussion with him about this time being okay but that this wouldn't be acceptable in the future should it occur.

[sparksals]

The wrong was when MIL didn't get the answer she wanted and went to DH behind your back. Your original decision was fine, and your MIL shouldn't have circumvented it.

This and the fact dh took his mom's side and not that os his wife!  He not only disrespected OP, but also taught his mom the OP has no authority over her own child and she can go to her son around oP back. NOT cool!  I would be Livid if my dh did this. 

[BeagleMommy]

First, SUPREMELY AWESOME CAKE!

Second, I agree with PP that it would have saved a lot of confusion if MIL had said "Hey, I checked with your DH and he said it would be okay if I took BBF out for ice cream".  That would have allowed Slartibartfast to say "Sure, but only a small item so we don't have pounds of cake left over" or "No, we don't want to reward a whine"

If  I had not told my mother specifically what I wanted as a birthday cake (she made all of them) I would have gotten a square cake with white frosting and pink writing that said "Happy Birthday BeagleMommy".

[SPuck]

Could you use this issue as future lesson? Maybe explain to your husband that his mother was playing both ends, and what is going to happen in a few years if your daughter ever plays the same game?

Nothing like a double negative with "Mom didn't not say no."

[Zilla]

Several things popped up for me.

MIL was wrong to ask you and then dh.  You are the parent and no matter what the answer is, it should remain so. My kids normally get 2 cakes, one for a party and on actual day of.  A fancy cupcake place would be ideal for her to pick out something just for her.  I don't see it as rewarding the child for turning her nose up at it but rather a special little something for her to have on actual day of.

[Winterlight]

What makes this situation a little weird for me is that MIL didn't just tell you something like "Hey I just talked to DH and he said it was alright if I did X with Babybartfast so I'm checking up with you to see when I can come pick her up?".

Then you can say that you don't mind if she takes Baby out for ice cream, but you'd rather not have to deal with another whole birthday cake so MIL can then either just have a piece of cake (or fancy cupcake) with Baby or deal with having a whole sheetcake tempting her in HER fridge!

My main issue would be that MIL couldn't be bothered to tell you that your DH had already said yes and then she called him to tell that you were being a big meanie. If this is a pattern I'd have a talk with DH about it because it would make me feel like this is less about Baby getting a second cake than about MIL trying to drive a wedge between you and her son.

This.

I also agree that a second cake is not needed. She's four and will probably forget it by next Tuesday unless someone makes a big deal about things.

[yokozbornak]

I agree with you about this. I don't think it's about the cake, I think it's about her undermining the lesson you want to teach.  We have a rule in our house that you will never, ever get something you want by throwing a fit for it which seems to be the similar to the lesson you are trying to teach your daughter. 

[JenJay]

I would have felt the same way as you about not getting her another cake, and for the exact same reason.

To my DH I would say "I don't appreciate you sending your Mom to me for an answer and then not backing me up when I gave it." and to MIL I would say "I don't appreciate you asking me a yes or no question and then complaining to my husband about me when you didn't get the answer you wanted." 

I guess I don't understand why your husband and MIL bother to consult you about your kids if they're going to huddle together and overrule you anyway. I'd be ticked.

[Judah]

I guess I don't understand why your husband and MIL bother to consult you about your kids if they're going to huddle together and overrule you anyway. I'd be ticked.

But that's not really what happened.  I don't see where the OP's DH has done anything wrong.  MIL called her son to get permission to do something and he gave his ok.  Then she called the OP and OP said no.  MIL has a snit and called OP's DH to complain and he called the OP probably to clarify. There was no conspiracy here.

[JenJay]

I guess I don't understand why your husband and MIL bother to consult you about your kids if they're going to huddle together and overrule you anyway. I'd be ticked.

But that's not really what happened.  I don't see where the OP's DH has done anything wrong.  MIL called her son to get permission to do something and he gave his ok.  Then she called the OP and OP said no.  MIL has a snit and called OP's DH to complain and he called the OP probably to clarify. There was no conspiracy here.

I just re-read the OP and you are absolutely correct. I think I took a few memories I had of past situations and allowed them to color my judgement here, which wasn't fair. My apologies to Slartibartfasts's DH!!

[Slartibartfast]

I guess I don't understand why your husband and MIL bother to consult you about your kids if they're going to huddle together and overrule you anyway. I'd be ticked.

But that's not really what happened.  I don't see where the OP's DH has done anything wrong.  MIL called her son to get permission to do something and he gave his ok.  Then she called the OP and OP said no.  MIL has a snit and called OP's DH to complain and he called the OP probably to clarify. There was no conspiracy here.

Yeah, I guess I should clarify - MIL had talked to DH earlier, and all DH relayed is that "MIL might be picking up Babybartfast after preschool today instead of me doing it."  Then MIL called me this morning to verify plans - as she has FINALLY learned to do - and that's when she mentioned the whole new cake thing.  When she pulled the "fine, I won't pick her up" thing, she had to call DH back to let him know to pick Babybartfast up instead.  Usually I do it, but I had a dentist appointment today so DH was planning to, and then MIL offered, etc.  It wasn't going behind my back as much as complaining to DH about me.  Luckily, DH usually just shrugs it off when she does that - her usual M.O. is to make little PA digs at people when they're not around, and DH couldn't care less what she's hinting at unless/until she comes out and actually says something.  (It's one of his more endearing and simultaneously more annoying traits.)

Anyway, the update: MIL did in fact pick up Babybartfast from school, they did go to Baskin Robbins, and as I understand it, did get a single-serving-style cake or ice cream or somesuch treat.  I don't know what exactly happened, other than DH was the one who brought Babybartfast home so I think they may have all done lunch together (MIL, DH, and Babybartfast) while Bittybartfast and I were at my dentist appointment.