MIL is peeved at me - is she right? (inc. pic of awesome cake!) NEW UPDATE #75

[Arianoor]

He probably should have said "Let me discuss it first and I will get back to you mom."

I do wish your DH had checked with you first. 

I don't understand this.  It's okay for the OP to make a decision about this, but her DH has to check with her first?

[Judah]

He probably should have said "Let me discuss it first and I will get back to you mom."

I do wish your DH had checked with you first. 

I don't understand this.  It's okay for the OP to make a decision about this, but her DH has to check with her first?

This attitude bugs me.  DH is as much a parent as I am. He does not have to check with me before making a decision for one of the kids.  We discuss all really big decisions, but whether or not the kid can have cake is not a big decision.

[SoCalVal]

Bittybartfast and I were at my dentist appointment.

Loving the name you decided upon for the latest Bartfast!

[gramma dishes]

This attitude bugs me.  DH is as much a parent as I am. He does not have to check with me before making a decision for one of the kids.  We discuss all really big decisions, but whether or not the kid can have cake is not a big decision.

No, it's not a "big" decision in the grand scheme of things.  The problem here is that MIL tried to get one of the parents to override the other.  That IS a big thing. 

The child already had had "a" cake.  So that wasn't the question.  The issue was whether or not the child could have ANOTHER cake since the first one didn't immediately suit her.

[kherbert05]

I get why she did - she's only four, and hasn't learned to smile politely even when disappointed yet - but I don't want MIL to run out and buy her another one.  MIL said the equivalent of "Fine, I won't pick her up then," and immediately called DH who then called me.  Apparently he had told her it was okay.  He's in favor of Babybartfast getting another cake "since it's her birthday" and just making no connection to her liking or not liking the other cake (which we still have quite a bit of left).

This is what I have a problem with.

You said NO
MIL acted like a 2 yo and pitched a fit
MIL call's your DH
Your DH does not back you. (Assuming MIL told DH that you said no).

I am the indulgent Aunt/Cousin. The first parent I talk to says NO then that is what I do. I do NOT call up the other parent like a petulant teenager to get the answer I want. Sis and BIL have been married 13 years I think. There has been 1 time that I did something one of them asked me not to. In that case there was an unforeseen safety issue. My BIL loves peanut butter for breakfast and at that time didn't clean up the dishes just left them soaking in the sink. Sis fixed that - at least on the days I'm babysitting.

[bonyk]

This is what I have a problem with.

You said NO
MIL acted like a 2 yo and pitched a fit
MIL call's your DH
Your DH does not back you. (Assuming MIL told DH that you said no).

That's not quite what I understand happened.  From my understanding:

DH asked MIL to pick up Baby.
MIL said, yes, and that she would get him another cake.
DH said OK.
MIL called OP to let her know that she would be picking up Baby and getting him a cake.
OP said no cake.
MIL pitched a fit and said she would not pick up Baby.
MIL calls DH and tells him to pick up baby.
DH calls OP to ask what happened.

I don't think OP's DH did anything wrong here.

[Rivaini]

He probably should have said "Let me discuss it first and I will get back to you mom."

I do wish your DH had checked with you first. 

I don't understand this.  It's okay for the OP to make a decision about this, but her DH has to check with her first?

This attitude bugs me.  DH is as much a parent as I am. He does not have to check with me before making a decision for one of the kids.  We discuss all really big decisions, but whether or not the kid can have cake is not a big decision.

It bugs me as well. I don't understand the double standard.

[scansons]

He probably should have said "Let me discuss it first and I will get back to you mom."

I do wish your DH had checked with you first. 

I don't understand this.  It's okay for the OP to make a decision about this, but her DH has to check with her first?

This attitude bugs me.  DH is as much a parent as I am. He does not have to check with me before making a decision for one of the kids.  We discuss all really big decisions, but whether or not the kid can have cake is not a big decision.

It bugs me as well. I don't understand the double standard.

Speaking for myself, it's not that my DH can't parent, or make decisions regarding the kids.  It's that if DH is changing plans for the kids, it's only polite to consult with me first, before things get set in stone.  Likewise, I talk to him about things before I set them up for the kids.  Espeically when we're dealing with people who have been a source of irritation before.  As I believe is the case with the MIL here. 

[LifeOnPluto]

He probably should have said "Let me discuss it first and I will get back to you mom."

I do wish your DH had checked with you first. 

I don't understand this.  It's okay for the OP to make a decision about this, but her DH has to check with her first?

This attitude bugs me.  DH is as much a parent as I am. He does not have to check with me before making a decision for one of the kids.  We discuss all really big decisions, but whether or not the kid can have cake is not a big decision.

It bugs me as well. I don't understand the double standard.

I tend to agree with this too.

I also think the MIL was rude, for threatening to pull out of picking up her grand-daughter the way she did. That is quite childish behaviour!

[johelenc1]

If it matters, I think saying no to the cake was unnecessary in the first place.  Who doesn't like a little cake on their birthday - whether 4 or 40!  Yes, she already had a cake, but it's not that unusual to have a "big" celebration and then something smaller on one's birthday.

The child is 4.  As you said, she's not really at the stage of knowing not to express disappointment over her cake.  I think if she straightened up after "the talk", then I'd say she did pretty well for 4.  Even if MIL's talk was, "I'll get you another cake later", that's MIL's fault, not your daughter's.  I wouldn't have "punished" your daughter for not liking her cake because of grandma.

So, I'm kind of pleased Baby got another taste of cake on her birthday and hope both celebrations were fun for her!

[Mental Magpie]

He probably should have said "Let me discuss it first and I will get back to you mom."

I do wish your DH had checked with you first. 

I don't understand this.  It's okay for the OP to make a decision about this, but her DH has to check with her first?

This attitude bugs me.  DH is as much a parent as I am. He does not have to check with me before making a decision for one of the kids.  We discuss all really big decisions, but whether or not the kid can have cake is not a big decision.

It bugs me as well. I don't understand the double standard.

Speaking for myself, it's not that my DH can't parent, or make decisions regarding the kids.  It's that if DH is changing plans for the kids, it's only polite to consult with me first, before things get set in stone.  Likewise, I talk to him about things before I set them up for the kids.  Espeically when we're dealing with people who have been a source of irritation before.  As I believe is the case with the MIL here.

When it involves plans, I think it is necessary to consult one another.  What if OP had a different plan for the toddler that day and DH just ruined that because he promised something else to his mother?  It is also comes down to teaching the little one different things simply because OP may think DH is on board with her and he thinks she is on board with him, and all that leads to is mixed signals for the little one.

Let me make it clear that I am not equating raising children with having pets.  I am just making a comparison as far as mixed signals go.
Skeletor, my dog, would not stop jumping up on me when I came home.  I tried for weeks to teach him to not do this but it was to no avail.  I lamented to my boyfriend at the time (not Dark Boyfriend) that it was annoying.  What was his response?  "Oh, I tell him to jump up on me when I get home so I can say hi to him."  This is why it is necessary for DH to check with OP and OP to check with her DH.

[bopper]

I would have said to MIL "MIL, I understand as a Grandma you don't want to see Babybartfast disappointed.  We did ask her lots of time what kind of cake she wanted and never really got an answer. So we made a guess based on things she likes.  I just don't want her to get the impression that if she whines about something then she gets another one.I wouldn't have a problem if you take her out for icecream sometime."

[kherbert05]

He probably should have said "Let me discuss it first and I will get back to you mom."

I do wish your DH had checked with you first. 

I don't understand this.  It's okay for the OP to make a decision about this, but her DH has to check with her first?

This attitude bugs me.  DH is as much a parent as I am. He does not have to check with me before making a decision for one of the kids.  We discuss all really big decisions, but whether or not the kid can have cake is not a big decision.

It bugs me as well. I don't understand the double standard.

Simple because she was asked first. Then the MIL went behind her back and the DH reversed the decision without talking to the OP - knowing she had said no.


The DH should not reverse his spouse's decision. He should have called her and discussed it.


I would be saying this if it was the other way around. If MIL had called the DH, and gotten permission then told the OP. The OP objects, she calls her DH and they discuss their parenting decision - and inform the MIL if there is a change.

[Rivaini]

He probably should have said "Let me discuss it first and I will get back to you mom."

I do wish your DH had checked with you first. 

I don't understand this.  It's okay for the OP to make a decision about this, but her DH has to check with her first?

This attitude bugs me.  DH is as much a parent as I am. He does not have to check with me before making a decision for one of the kids.  We discuss all really big decisions, but whether or not the kid can have cake is not a big decision.

It bugs me as well. I don't understand the double standard.

Simple because she was asked first. Then the MIL went behind her back and the DH reversed the decision without talking to the OP - knowing she had said no.

The DH should not reverse his spouse's decision. He should have called her and discussed it.

I think you need to re-read the update for clarification. That is not what happened.

[Virg]

kherbert05 wrote:

"I would be saying this if it was the other way around. If MIL had called the DH, and gotten permission then told the OP. The OP objects, she calls her DH and they discuss their parenting decision - and inform the MIL if there is a change."

It was the other way around.  MIL called DH first and he said yes.  Slartibartfast posted a clarifying timeline.

Virg