MIL is peeved at me - is she right? (inc. pic of awesome cake!) NEW UPDATE #75

[Slartibartfast]

ANOTHER UPDATE

I was talking to MIL on the phone today and she mentioned "I had the last piece of Babybartfast's birthday cake today."  Wait, what?

Me: "I thought you were just getting a single-serving thing."
Her: "I never actually said that, I just told [my DH] we'd get the smallest cake."

So yeah, points that came to light:

1) She bought a $25 cake which yielded six pieces

2) Every time she picked up Babybartfast from her toddler art class this summer (which was frequently, since I was home with Bittybartfast on the other side of town), the two of them would go to Baskin Robbins and get ice cream and look at the ice cream cakes and talk about birthdays and birthday cakes.  I now have a pretty good idea why Babybartfast was disappointed at her cake - MIL (either explicitly or not) had primed her to expect a Baskin Robbins ice cream cake instead.

3) It wasn't just "go get ice cream" - they bought the cake and MIL brought candles and everyone in the store sang to Babybartfast before they cut the cake there in the store.

4) The big one - DH WAS THERE at the "do-over" birthday party!  I'm REALLY peeved at him for this - he knew how I felt about treating this as a replacement birthday cake, and even if he didn't agree with my stance, I think he should have stepped up and said something.  Apparently it was DH, Babybartfast, MIL, and FIL all at Baskin Robbins together, and nobody thought to tell me.  I assumed it was just MIL and Babybartfast and maybe DH joining them for lunch, but DH never bothered to tell me their outing was any different than how it had been represented to me before.

Since DH was there, I can't really blame MIL for this anymore    She knew just as well as DH did how I felt, and she chose to ignore it, but DH bears more responsibility for the parenting decision IMHO and I don't blame MIL for thinking it was okay (or pretending to think it was okay - she does that a lot) when DH didn't say anything.

On the plus side, I asked what she said to Babybartfast at the party, and it was indeed along the lines of "You have to be gracious about the cake you've got" instead of promising her something else.

[PastryGoddess]

I don't have kids...but boy would I be upset right about now.  DH would be getting it with both barrels for sure

[BarensMom]

Evil me would buy the biggest BR cake they make and "surprise" your DH with it - right in the kisser.

As is, from this point on, I would no longer participate in any b-day parties for your kid.  Attend - yes.  Do all the prep and cleanup - no.  Since DH and MIL decided that your party was so bad that it needed a do-over, they can do it all by themselves from now on.

[Mental Magpie]

Wow.  Just wow.  I can still blame MIL a little for doing it anyway despite knowing how you felt, but your DH really went over a line there.  Now MIL is going to think overriding your decisions is always okay because her son won't say no, either.  I'm sorry, this really sucks.  I'd be so angry I couldn't think straight.

[Outdoor Girl]

I hope you have a big, comfy, dog house because if he were my DH, that's where he'd be sleeping until he apologized for not supporting me in a decision about our daughter and then LYING about it. 

Way to teach MIL that she can circumvent anything you want by going through her son.

[scansons]

Wow!  I think no more MIL picking up DD after anything when you aren't going to be there.   And I think  DH gets to tell her and why. 

[Mental Magpie]

Wow!  I think no more MIL picking up DD after anything when you aren't going to be there.   And I think  DH gets to tell her and why.

Poddity pod pod pod.

[SoCalVal]

Other than hugs, (((((Slartibartfast))))), and an "I'm sorry for this latest update," I have nothing useful to add, I'm afraid.  I'd feel so betrayed by my spouse that I'd want to either take off for a week or do so with the kids (like go to my mother's house, or something).  However, I know that running away wouldn't solve the issue (although I'd be running away to deal with it emotionally before discussing it with my DH).

The only I can't see that MIL did wrong was look at the ice cream cakes with Babybartfast (it just would've helped if she'd mentioned that when Babybartfast wasn't clear about what cake she wanted).

[BeeGee01]

Babybartfast turns 4 today (Monday), but we had a birthday party for her on Saturday.  A friend of mine made the cake and it was DELICIOUS.  Babybartfast pouted when she first saw it, however, because it wasn't what she expected/wanted.  MIL took Babybartfast aside and gave her a little talking-to and that was that - Babybartfast never really did tell us what she wanted on her cake, even though we asked several times, so she got a combination of things she likes:

(BALLERINA ASTRONAUT BIKER DINOSAURS IN SPACE!  Cool, right?  She's played with the dinosaurs several times since then!)

Anyway, MIL called this morning - since Babybartfast was so disappointed with her cake, MIL wants to take her out to Baskin Robbins and get her ANOTHER cake today for her real birthday.  I told MIL I would really rather she didn't - I'm happy with MIL taking her out for ice cream, if she wants to, but Babybartfast already got her cake and I don't want to reward her for turning her nose up at it because it's not what she expected or wanted.  I get why she did - she's only four, and hasn't learned to smile politely even when disappointed yet - but I don't want MIL to run out and buy her another one.  MIL said the equivalent of "Fine, I won't pick her up then," and immediately called DH who then called me.  Apparently he had told her it was okay.  He's in favor of Babybartfast getting another cake "since it's her birthday" and just making no connection to her liking or not liking the other cake (which we still have quite a bit of left).

Rather than argue with DH over the phone I just said fine if it's a one-serving thing and is otherwise treated like going out for ice cream would normally be.  However, now I'm second-guessing myself - am I being unreasonably harsh?  DH and I usually don't disagree on parenting things like this (at least, I see it as a parenting thing) so that's making me less willing to blame it all on MIL not understanding our parenting boundaries.

I just read the update and saw that your DH was there for the cake cutting for the 2nd cake.  I know you are upset, and I know that your DH should have been more upfront with you....but per your original post, he was okay with the additional birthday cake. 

Your DD is also your husbands child, and he was okay with the 2nd cake.  I mean, when two parents disagree over parenting, who is to say who gets their way?  I know you said you didn't want to argue with your DH and you said it was fine if it was a one-serving cake, but again, your husband was okay with a multi-serving cake...so, as her parent, wouldn't he also get a say in her getting a 2nd cake?

I can kind of understand why he didn't tell you to be there, you had already said you forbid her to  have the 2nd cake.  So if they had invited you, and your DH was okay with it, and they bought and paid for it, what would you have done if you had been there?  From what you have said about the situation, had they invited you, would there have been an issue since you did not agree with her getting the 2nd cake?

But, with that said, your DH should have been the one to tell you what happened, not your MIL.  If he wanted to make a decision as your DD's parent that she get a 2nd cake, he is allowed to do that.  But he should also take ownership of his decision and tell you that he made that decision. 

I know with my husband that he doesn't always agree with my parenting choices, and I don't always agree with his.  (I let the girls (17 and 16) go to the Batman premier at midnight...DH was not happy and did not want them to go, but I told him that I was okay with it and was allowing them to do that.  There have been times when DH has allowed the girls to do something I didn't agree with and said I didn't want them to do.  And DH over-ruled me on those instances. I guess my point is that as parents you are not going to always agree, there are times that you will get your way on a decision with your children, but that also means that your DH gets his way on decisions with your children.  It goes both ways.

AGain, your DH should have told you, even if it was after the fact. 

But I have another question for you, have you asked your DH why he didn't tell you.  Is he a "avoid confrontation at all costs" kind of guy?  Was he afraid of your reaction to finding out that he went against your wishes and made his own decision on something with  your daughter? 

Just my thoughts....

[Harriet]

I hope you have a big, comfy, dog house because if he were my DH, that's where he'd be sleeping until he apologized for not supporting me in a decision about our daughter and then LYING about it. 

Way to teach MIL that she can circumvent anything you want by going through her son.

I agree except I hope the dog house is not that comfy.

BIG BOO HISS!!!

[GrammarNerd]

And there is NO WAY that someone...anyone....celebrates my kid's birthday if I'm not there.  No way.

Maybe that doesn't matter to DH, but make sure that he knows it matters to YOU.  Let those postpartum hormones shine!

(And this is spoken entirely for situations when the parents are not divorced or separated, which is obviously OP's case and my case.)

[Harriet]

snippage
I mean, when two parents disagree over parenting, who is to say who gets their way?  I know you said you didn't want to argue with your DH and you said it was fine if it was a one-serving cake, but again, your husband was okay with a multi-serving cake...so, as her parent, wouldn't he also get a say in her getting a 2nd cake?

I think that on decisions at this kind of level, the person who feels more strongly about the issue should prevail. If Slartibartfast's DH felt strongly about it, they should have had more discussion til they could work out a compromise. If he didn't feel strongly about it and knew she did (which was the case as far as I can tell,) then he should have upheld her decision.  It's a huge cop-out to just fade out of the argument and then go ahead and do it anyway.

I should add I don't have kids, so am basing this on relationship-type decisions.

[scansons]

Babybartfast turns 4 today (Monday), but we had a birthday party for her on Saturday.  A friend of mine made the cake and it was DELICIOUS.  Babybartfast pouted when she first saw it, however, because it wasn't what she expected/wanted.  MIL took Babybartfast aside and gave her a little talking-to and that was that - Babybartfast never really did tell us what she wanted on her cake, even though we asked several times, so she got a combination of things she likes:

(BALLERINA ASTRONAUT BIKER DINOSAURS IN SPACE!  Cool, right?  She's played with the dinosaurs several times since then!)

Anyway, MIL called this morning - since Babybartfast was so disappointed with her cake, MIL wants to take her out to Baskin Robbins and get her ANOTHER cake today for her real birthday.  I told MIL I would really rather she didn't - I'm happy with MIL taking her out for ice cream, if she wants to, but Babybartfast already got her cake and I don't want to reward her for turning her nose up at it because it's not what she expected or wanted.  I get why she did - she's only four, and hasn't learned to smile politely even when disappointed yet - but I don't want MIL to run out and buy her another one.  MIL said the equivalent of "Fine, I won't pick her up then," and immediately called DH who then called me.  Apparently he had told her it was okay.  He's in favor of Babybartfast getting another cake "since it's her birthday" and just making no connection to her liking or not liking the other cake (which we still have quite a bit of left).

Rather than argue with DH over the phone I just said fine if it's a one-serving thing and is otherwise treated like going out for ice cream would normally be.  However, now I'm second-guessing myself - am I being unreasonably harsh?  DH and I usually don't disagree on parenting things like this (at least, I see it as a parenting thing) so that's making me less willing to blame it all on MIL not understanding our parenting boundaries.

I just read the update and saw that your DH was there for the cake cutting for the 2nd cake.  I know you are upset, and I know that your DH should have been more upfront with you....but per your original post, he was okay with the additional birthday cake. 

Your DD is also your husbands child, and he was okay with the 2nd cake.  I mean, when two parents disagree over parenting, who is to say who gets their way?  I know you said you didn't want to argue with your DH and you said it was fine if it was a one-serving cake, but again, your husband was okay with a multi-serving cake...so, as her parent, wouldn't he also get a say in her getting a 2nd cake?

I can kind of understand why he didn't tell you to be there, you had already said you forbid her to  have the 2nd cake.  So if they had invited you, and your DH was okay with it, and they bought and paid for it, what would you have done if you had been there?  From what you have said about the situation, had they invited you, would there have been an issue since you did not agree with her getting the 2nd cake?

But, with that said, your DH should have been the one to tell you what happened, not your MIL.  If he wanted to make a decision as your DD's parent that she get a 2nd cake, he is allowed to do that.  But he should also take ownership of his decision and tell you that he made that decision. 

I know with my husband that he doesn't always agree with my parenting choices, and I don't always agree with his.  (I let the girls (17 and 16) go to the Batman premier at midnight...DH was not happy and did not want them to go, but I told him that I was okay with it and was allowing them to do that.  There have been times when DH has allowed the girls to do something I didn't agree with and said I didn't want them to do.  And DH over-ruled me on those instances. I guess my point is that as parents you are not going to always agree, there are times that you will get your way on a decision with your children, but that also means that your DH gets his way on decisions with your children.  It goes both ways.

AGain, your DH should have told you, even if it was after the fact. 

But I have another question for you, have you asked your DH why he didn't tell you.  Is he a "avoid confrontation at all costs" kind of guy?  Was he afraid of your reaction to finding out that he went against your wishes and made his own decision on something with  your daughter? 

Just my thoughts....

My husband and I don't always agree on parenting choices either.   But we talk about it until we do agree, and then we act.  Not before.  Also we don't hide our parenting decisions from each other.  And we don't allow either set of parents to 1) play us off each other 2) do something with the kids that the other parent isn't comfortable with. 

I'm sorry there is no excuse.  He took his mother's side against his wife, the child's other parent. This was not a split second decision.  He knew how she felt, and  he chose to ignore it. 

[gramma dishes]

If it had happened and he TOLD her, that's one thing.  But he deliberately lied about it.  Or at least withheld information.  I'd be FURIOUS at both my DH and my MIL!  But much more so at my DH.   

Disagreeing is one thing, but doing things behind the other's back is altogether different.

[BeeGee01]

snippage
I mean, when two parents disagree over parenting, who is to say who gets their way?  I know you said you didn't want to argue with your DH and you said it was fine if it was a one-serving cake, but again, your husband was okay with a multi-serving cake...so, as her parent, wouldn't he also get a say in her getting a 2nd cake?

I think that on decisions at this kind of level, the person who feels more strongly about the issue should prevail. If Slartibartfast's DH felt strongly about it, they should have had more discussion til they could work out a compromise. If he didn't feel strongly about it and knew she did (which was the case,) then he should have upheld her decision.  It's a huge cop-out to just fade out of the argument and then go ahead and do it anyway.

Oh, absolutely.  I agree that her DH dropped the ball on that big time.  Some people would call it a "lie of omission" because he knew that his wife was not in agreement with him, so he just did it with out telling her.  Wrong, wrong, wrong to not be honest with his wife. 

And what was up with MIL having to make it a point tell her DIL she was eating the last of the cake....KNOWING that Slart was not in agreement.  That was most certainly a dig to let Slart know that MIL/DH did something behind her back.

I guess my point was that her DH was not wrong to let their DD get the second cake, but he was TOTALLY WRONG for not be honest and up front about the fact that he was agreeing to her getting the second cake.  And I think that is what Slart should really be angry about, was the sneaking around that was done by MIL and her DH.

I guess a lot of people were saying that the DD should hot have gotten the 2nd cake, and I was thinking "well, the child's dad is okay with it, so doesn't he get a say in what she gets?"  So again, to me, the real issue is DH's "let's just avoid confrontation and not tell Slart what we are doing."