Hey singles-pets as part of the package deal when da[color=black]ting[/color] someone

[kingsrings]

On a personal note, words like 'furbaby', or the insistence that someone's pets are just like children to them are a real turn-off for me, even without an actual allergy involved.  I don't mind other people doing it away from me, but I don't think I could be in a relationship with someone who did.

I fail to understand why this would be a turn-off to you. I understand your allergy situation, but why is it bad to you if someone loves and cherishes their pet? I have two cats, and you can better believe they are my furbabies and are just like children to me. I'll never understand why some others have such a problem with that.

[Dindrane]

A question for those who say they would never give up your animals.  I understand the attachment you can have, as I've had my own pets I've adored. But, if your child was diagnosed with severe allergies or asthma and you were told they couldn't be around your cat/dog/other pet of choice would you give up the animal? If so, what makes giving up a pet for a child's health different from giving it up for an SO's health? I'm just curious if there was anything that would make you feel like giving up your pet is something you should do.

I think that giving up a pet for a child is similar to giving up a pet for an SO you've been with for awhile.  It's one thing to put the welfare of an existing family member over a pet, and quite another to give up a pet for a new relationship that may or may not work out.  There is also the fact that children are completely dependent upon their parents, while SOs are not.  Any adult can choose to leave a relationship, no matter how wrenching it might be.  Children must stay, at least until they are 18.  In addition, adults can state their allergies/preferences before getting involved in a relationship.  Children born with allergies can't do this.

I am one of the people for whom the issue of pets can be a deal-breaker.  I treat that particular preference in the same way that I treat wanting to have children or not.  I would never be happy with a man who didn't want children.  I would also never be happy with a man who couldn't stand dogs (I am largely indifferent to cats - I don't like them, but I also don't hate them if they're nice to me).  If I was just starting a relationship, and the guy told me he couldn't stand dogs, I might test that theory first.  But if he really couldn't stand dogs, I would not be inclined to continue the relationship.  There is a particular way I want to live my life, and particular things I am not willing to compromise on.  I see no problem whatsoever in making that clear from the start, and only pursuing relationships that allow me to live my life that way.

For me, the deal with allergies is this: I do not want to give up having pets for someone I don't know well and don't intend to spend the rest of my life with.  I wouldn't expect someone to compromise his health for someone he didn't know well and didn't intend to spend the rest of his life with.  If my BF suddenly developed an allergy now (after 3 years of dating and his full knowledge and consent when I adopted my dog), I would expect him to try and deal with it, but ultimately, if he could not, I would have to accept that there would be no pets or that I'd have to break up with him.

Lucky for me, my BF is the type of person who likes to pretend he doesn't like dogs at all, but he secretly adores mine.  My dog treats my BF like his most favorite toy, and gets super excited whenever BF is around.  His behavior is really quite annoying, but BF actually misses my dog when he hasn't seen him in awhile

[Midnight Kitty]

I was going to reply to several of the above posts, but thought of all the quoting I would have to do & decided to reply more generally

To blarg314:  I think people should seek SOs among others who share similar interests.  Single people who love animals should engage in activities centered around animals so they can find a compatible SO.  Just like foodies should seek other foodies, etc.  As Dindrane indicated, it's part of the lifestyle we choose for ourselves.

I love to see DH holding his baby, Midnight, in his arms.  She lays on her back with a paw on his chest, squeezing her eyes in a smile looking up at her "Daddy."  He gushes over her & I melt.  I swear I can feel my heart grow larger.  We always wanted human children, but that wasn't what happened.  At nearly 50, I don't think that situation is going to change.  Not our first choice, but we are content with our "furbabies."

Now, if some miracle occurred and we had a baby with severe cat allergies, I would find Midnight & Bootsie the very best home possible.  I would keep them as long as possible & see if cleaning would knock down the allergens enough or our human baby's allergies might be temporary or treatable without medicating the infant excessively.  This is all highly unlikely, but yes, if push came to shove, my own baby would come before my furbabies.  But I would not choose to live with someone who didn't love animals.  Whatever would we talk about?

The shared adventure of "starting" our filly Misty together is bonding us in new ways.  When I see the love my DH has for animals, I fall in love again with this wonderful, sensitive, compassionate man.  I also love seeing him with children, as we will this Friday when we get together with our 4 nieces to celebrate three August birthdays.  He's just a big kid himself & children sense that.  I don't know if he would have made a good father because he's moody, mercurial, and lousy at discipline, but he's everyone's favorite "uncle."

I would never consider even dating a man who hated children and kicked dogs.  Heck, I wouldn't talk to him if I didn't have to.

[blarg314]

To blarg314:  I think people should seek SOs among others who share similar interests.  Single people who love animals should engage in activities centered around animals so they can find a compatible SO.  Just like foodies should seek other foodies, etc.  As Dindrane indicated, it's part of the lifestyle we choose for ourselves.

Exactly.  It's not something I see as evil, or unbalanced, it's just something that squicks me out, personally. It's the same way I'd have real problems dating a picky eater, or someone who used mushy pet names and baby talk in public.   I like animals, and I've had pets before my allergies got bad, but I've never felt that pets were the equivalent of human children, and wouldn't date someone who did.

I also know that if I had both pets and a child, and the pet was a threat to the health or safety of the child, I'd be finding a new home for the pet, not the child.

[tapperjockey]

If I had a child with allergies, I'd make it work somehow. There is medication, ways to reduce the dander from pets, air filters, etc.  If it came down to no animals at all, and the child, I don't know what I'd do. I will not give up my career after working so long for it, and it involves working very closely with animals.  I suspect that I'd need to find a way to have DF stay with teh child while I was working and live apart during the week.  I'm really not sure.

[Buffy2424]

He asks if she has any animals, and instead of sort of sidestepping the question or changing the subject, she starts telling him exactly how many animals she has, telling him each of their names, etc.  The look on this guy's face was classic.  He immediately withdrew and that was a deal breaker. 

I think it's how you approach this. This woman was a bit extreme, but to talk about all of your animals on the first date, this guy basically pictured walking into a crazy cat lady's home that was a zoo.  It's going to come down to what you value most. 

I think anyone with individuality or passion is not going to give up important things (or people, or pets) in their life just because they landed a first date with someone who has little in common with them.  I hope you don't think I'm twisting your words because I see what you're saying about the big-picture dating pool.

It's just that at some point the onus has to be on those who are deathly allergic to cats, don't want anything to do with children, are morally opposed to dancing or only want to marry someone else who is LDS...

If they have such strong preferences then they're just going to have to shy away from getting started with certain people -- like people who are active pet owners or involved parents.  Don't even start dating that person who travels with dance company, or don't let your friend set you up with this hot rabbi she knows. 

Aren't there enough of us to go around that people don't have to go on a first date and say, hey, who can take in your children if we get serious? or Hey, that's great about choir but you will convert for the right person, eh?

If you have ... a lack of feeling (? sorry) for pets yet don't wish to date a serial killer, then look for those who are ambivalent about them and place value on other things, things you may have in common. 

And if you stand by certain prior commitments and loved ones (Hi Kingsrings and others from page 1) then you just hang in there because it'll be worth it when you meet the right person who respects you or even shares your interests.  My single, very eligible brother loves cats so much that he used to take pills for his allergy.  I told him to look into those hairless cats, but (off topic here) I don't know if that would make any difference. 

[rose red]

WARNING: Kind of Off Topic. 

I hope I don't get flamed for this, but the term "furbaby" is giving me the creeps.  I'm the type who thinks people calling their pet "my baby" in a fuzzy wuzzy voice is cute, so I'm not sure why "furbaby" makes me think of nails on a chalkboard.  I guess it's just a personal pet (ha ha) peeve.

Sorry for the hijack.  I just needed to get it off my chest.

[veryfluffy]

I've never felt that pets were the equivalent of human children, and wouldn't date someone who did.

I agree completely. Someone who doesn't understand that pets are vastly superior to human children would never have got a second look from me!

On the subject of allergies -- if you are allergic to cat fur, try a Cornish Rex. They have very short, curly fur and don't shed. I was allergic to cats (along with rabbits and guinea pigs), with the usual sneezing, red eyes, itchy face, etc. I went to see a irresponsible parent of the human variety of Cornish Rexes. I sat there for a couple of hours, playing with the cats. I didn't have any reaction at all. I've now had my two for about 13 years, and I have also completely gotten over any cat allergy I had, to the extent that I now run a cattery with no adverse reactions to any of our guests.

[kathrynne]

I've never felt that pets were the equivalent of human children, and wouldn't date someone who did.

I agree completely. Someone who doesn't understand that pets are vastly superior to human children would never have got a second look from me!

Hear! Hear!

[LadyJaneinMD]

Package deal, no question. Especially now that I'm older and my cat rules my life with an iron paw.

I dated one guy for longer than I should have once, merely because he actually made an effort to get to know my cat (played with her, brought treats) even though he hated cats and she obviously knew it.  I was just charmed by his efforts.   

As for allergies. Pfft.  *I'M* allergic to my cat, and yet, I have one! 

[StuckInCube]

As for allergies. Pfft.  *I'M* allergic to my cat, and yet, I have one! 

I hope you were joking, otherwise please don't be so dismissive of allergies. Your allergies may not be very bad if you are able to tolerate being around a cat. Just because you are able to tolerate them doesn't mean someone else can.

I really don't undertand this attitude people have that pet allergies are no big deal. Would you be saying the same thing about a food allergy and tell someone that they should just deal with it? How many times have we said how awful it is that people have taken it upon themselves to decide that a person's food allergy isn't really important or that big a deal.

I have severe asthma and allergies. I take medication. However, a cat sends me into a downward spiral no matter what I take. A cat can (and has in the past) trigger a massive asthma attack which could kill me if not treated properly. So, please, folks, stop acting like pet allergies are nothing!! I know my limits and as such I avoid the triggers, like any responsible person with a severe allergy does.

This is a topic that is one of my pet peeves as I've met way too many people who say 1) allergies are in your head 2) you should just medicate yourself to death and put up with it. Both viewpoints are very offputting and rather rude.

[Dindrane]

As for allergies. Pfft.  *I'M* allergic to my cat, and yet, I have one! 

I hope you were joking, otherwise please don't be so dismissive of allergies. Your allergies may not be very bad if you are able to tolerate being around a cat. Just because you are able to tolerate them doesn't mean someone else can.

I really don't undertand this attitude people have that pet allergies are no big deal. Would you be saying the same thing about a food allergy and tell someone that they should just deal with it? How many times have we said how awful it is that people have taken it upon themselves to decide that a person's food allergy isn't really important or that big a deal.

I have severe asthma and allergies. I take medication. However, a cat sends me into a downward spiral no matter what I take. A cat can (and has in the past) trigger a massive asthma attack which could kill me if not treated properly. So, please, folks, stop acting like pet allergies are nothing!! I know my limits and as such I avoid the triggers, like any responsible person with a severe allergy does.

This is a topic that is one of my pet peeves as I've met way too many people who say 1) allergies are in your head 2) you should just medicate yourself to death and put up with it. Both viewpoints are very offputting and rather rude.

I am far from an expert, but judging from what people have said thus far in this thread, it seems that allergies to pets can often be different from allergies to foods.  It seems that nearly everyone knows that food allergies can cause a person's throat to close up, and can be fatal.  My guess is that people are not aware that this can happen with any allergy, and witness mild pet allergies far more often than they witness mild food allergies.

So, if everyone in this thread who says they have "gotten over" an allergy to cats or whatever, or are able to keep it at bay by cleaning often and keeping the pet out of certain rooms, I can only assume that they have a relatively mild allergy.  Maybe it is possible to just "get over" mild allergies to things, or learn to live with them.  I agree with you completely that severe allergies are not things that you can just live with or get over.

I am, thankfully, not allergic to pets, but I am horribly allergic to mold.  I had a slight mold problem (because of a clogged a/c drip pan that it took me a week to identify) in my last apartment, and I was just absolutely miserable until I got it fixed.  I can't imagine living that way for the rest of my life, because everyone around me would hate me.  I can understand why anyone would choose to avoid the allergic trigger rather than live with it, even if it's mild.  But, since I also have pets, I can understand why some people would choose to try and live with that allergy so that they could keep their cats/dogs.

[StuckInCube]

I am far from an expert, but judging from what people have said thus far in this thread, it seems that allergies to pets can often be different from allergies to foods.  It seems that nearly everyone knows that food allergies can cause a person's throat to close up, and can be fatal.  My guess is that people are not aware that this can happen with any allergy, and witness mild pet allergies far more often than they witness mild food allergies.

So, if everyone in this thread who says they have "gotten over" an allergy to cats or whatever, or are able to keep it at bay by cleaning often and keeping the pet out of certain rooms, I can only assume that they have a relatively mild allergy.  Maybe it is possible to just "get over" mild allergies to things, or learn to live with them.  I agree with you completely that severe allergies are not things that you can just live with or get over.

I am, thankfully, not allergic to pets, but I am horribly allergic to mold.  I had a slight mold problem (because of a clogged a/c drip pan that it took me a week to identify) in my last apartment, and I was just absolutely miserable until I got it fixed.  I can't imagine living that way for the rest of my life, because everyone around me would hate me.  I can understand why anyone would choose to avoid the allergic trigger rather than live with it, even if it's mild.  But, since I also have pets, I can understand why some people would choose to try and live with that allergy so that they could keep their cats/dogs.

Thanks for trying to understand my point on this. I just get so frustrated when people just assume that because something doesn't affect them it's not critical to someone else.

My SIL has the viewpoint that her pets are more important than my brother's health. She feels my brother should just deal with being sick all the time because after all, allergies aren't that big a deal. This attitude almost cost my brother his life (he was minutes from dying from an asthma attack triggered by her cat, she refused to take him to the ER because after all, he should just be able to "deal with it") and to this day I get angry when I think about it.

Even after the ER visit, turning blue and almost dying, and the dr telling my brother he must absolutely get rid of the cat because it was seriously compromising his health, SIL refused. My brother was an idiot to marry someone with a cat in the first place since he knows how allergic he is. But, I think my SIL has some skewed priorities that she puts an animal first and views his life so casually.

[Dindrane]

Even after the ER visit, turning blue and almost dying, and the dr telling my brother he must absolutely get rid of the cat because it was seriously compromising his health, SIL refused. My brother was an idiot to marry someone with a cat in the first place since he knows how allergic he is. But, I think my SIL has some skewed priorities that she puts an animal first and views his life so casually.

I'd say the idiotic thing was staying with this woman after her patent disregard for his health.  Obviously, if a pet sends your husband to the emergency room, you either need to get rid of the pet or get a divorce.  There really aren't any other options.

I'm glad your brother is okay, though.  Hopefully he'll wise up and get out.

I'm able to see your point at the moment because there's something making my allergies act up at the moment.  They're mild, and over the counter allergy medication is mostly working, but I'm still feeling snappish and a little miserable just because my nose won't stop running.  I'm a lot more irritable when my allergies act up for real (because I sneeze every few seconds, my eyes water, and my nose runs).  I can imagine how incensed I'd be if someone told me to just get over that level of allergic reaction, so I can only guess that it would be infinitely worse if my airways started to close up.

[Buffy2424]

Ugh, StuckinCube, that is horrible about your brother's situation ... marriage.  Does your SIL at least bathe the cat weekly, wash the curtains more, etc?  Even people with only mild allergies need to do these things, or so some of them have mentioned to me.