Author Topic: How To Not Sound Ungrateful  (Read 3698 times)

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Allyson

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Re: How To Not Sound Ungrateful
« Reply #15 on: August 05, 2012, 12:51:28 PM »
I am so glad I'm not the only one...my boyfriend does this, too, and I feel *so* awful for sometimes being slightly...less responsive than I think I should be. For me, the phrase is more of a 'special' thing, even if it is just a 'I'm leaving, love you' thing. And I don't always say it back but I do more than I would if he hadn't said it first, if that makes sense.

The only time it actively makes me annoyed is that sometimes he will do it in response to something I've said that, to me, deserves more of a response than that. So if I am unhappy about something (that he's done or in general) he will say it instead of addressing my concerns. So I might say, "I'm a little worried about money this month, so I'm hoping we can cut down on the extras." And he'll respond with "I love you." It's like...ok, great, but that's not helpful in this situation!

ShanghaiJill

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Re: How To Not Sound Ungrateful
« Reply #16 on: August 05, 2012, 01:10:09 PM »
Do what George Strait suggests and "Write This Down." ;)

Mental Magpie

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Re: How To Not Sound Ungrateful
« Reply #17 on: August 05, 2012, 04:04:48 PM »
I tried the "I know you do" the last time he did it and it almost didn't go over well.  I wish I would have done more than laugh and make it seem like I was playing coy, but I was in the middle of fighting some badies and had my attention split.  I wound up telling him that I love him, too, just so his feelings wouldn't be hurt.

I realize that didn't help the situation any, but I guess I didn't prepare for a negative reaction to me saying that.  I will work on this today, too, because the Fates only know he's going to start up again.
The problem with choosing the lesser of two evils is that you're still choosing evil.

Iris

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Re: How To Not Sound Ungrateful
« Reply #18 on: August 05, 2012, 05:29:03 PM »
I'm very bad with clingyness and neediness. From your update, I think that it is either neediness or attention seeking, plain and simple. How you react to that is up to you.

Personally, I'm quite a nasty wife. I indulged (now) DH for a while but eventually I said "When you get in this mood, it feels as though you expect me to be your Love ATM. I don't feel comfortable being *obliged* to state my love for you when you feel like it." I know that sounds harsh, but it was driving me nuts and I was finding that by the tenth time it happened I was lying because I wasn't thinking "I love you" at that moment, I was thinking "I have to tell you I love you or otherwise you will feel neglected or sulk and I don't want to deal with that". That totally squicked me out so I talked it over with him and we found a way to put a stop to it.

Now, after a time or two I will pause my game or put down my book, give him my full attention and say "I love you too but I'm playing/reading right now. Were you needing something?" If he IS feeling down, that gives me the chance to tell me. Otherwise, he says "No, just in a lovey mood and enjoying watching you play." And then we both know that from that point forth I am under no obligation to do anything more that grunt  :)

OTOH some women are happy to just keep saying it. So really, it's up to you.
"Can't do anything with children, can you?" the woman said.

Poirot thought you could, but forebore to say so.

Mental Magpie

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Re: How To Not Sound Ungrateful
« Reply #19 on: August 05, 2012, 05:41:55 PM »
I'm very bad with clingyness and neediness. From your update, I think that it is either neediness or attention seeking, plain and simple. How you react to that is up to you.

Personally, I'm quite a nasty wife. I indulged (now) DH for a while but eventually I said "When you get in this mood, it feels as though you expect me to be your Love ATM. I don't feel comfortable being *obliged* to state my love for you when you feel like it." I know that sounds harsh, but it was driving me nuts and I was finding that by the tenth time it happened I was lying because I wasn't thinking "I love you" at that moment, I was thinking "I have to tell you I love you or otherwise you will feel neglected or sulk and I don't want to deal with that". That totally squicked me out so I talked it over with him and we found a way to put a stop to it.

Now, after a time or two I will pause my game or put down my book, give him my full attention and say "I love you too but I'm playing/reading right now. Were you needing something?" If he IS feeling down, that gives me the chance to tell me. Otherwise, he says "No, just in a lovey mood and enjoying watching you play." And then we both know that from that point forth I am under no obligation to do anything more that grunt  :)

OTOH some women are happy to just keep saying it. So really, it's up to you.

That's exactly how I feel!  Like a love ATM at his beck and call, and I hate it.  I may have to go with what you said because trying other things has not worked (including ignoring him or just looking at him briefly when he says it).
The problem with choosing the lesser of two evils is that you're still choosing evil.

Iris

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Re: How To Not Sound Ungrateful
« Reply #20 on: August 06, 2012, 02:46:56 AM »
I'm very bad with clingyness and neediness. From your update, I think that it is either neediness or attention seeking, plain and simple. How you react to that is up to you.

Personally, I'm quite a nasty wife. I indulged (now) DH for a while but eventually I said "When you get in this mood, it feels as though you expect me to be your Love ATM. I don't feel comfortable being *obliged* to state my love for you when you feel like it." I know that sounds harsh, but it was driving me nuts and I was finding that by the tenth time it happened I was lying because I wasn't thinking "I love you" at that moment, I was thinking "I have to tell you I love you or otherwise you will feel neglected or sulk and I don't want to deal with that". That totally squicked me out so I talked it over with him and we found a way to put a stop to it.

Now, after a time or two I will pause my game or put down my book, give him my full attention and say "I love you too but I'm playing/reading right now. Were you needing something?" If he IS feeling down, that gives me the chance to tell me. Otherwise, he says "No, just in a lovey mood and enjoying watching you play." And then we both know that from that point forth I am under no obligation to do anything more that grunt  :)

OTOH some women are happy to just keep saying it. So really, it's up to you.

That's exactly how I feel!  Like a love ATM at his beck and call, and I hate it.  I may have to go with what you said because trying other things has not worked (including ignoring him or just looking at him briefly when he says it).

Jumping back in because I'm not sure if I made it clear that it's a *bad* idea to have this conversation when they're already in that mood. Don't ask me how I know, just trust me. Try and find a neutral, relaxed time.
"Can't do anything with children, can you?" the woman said.

Poirot thought you could, but forebore to say so.

Mental Magpie

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Re: How To Not Sound Ungrateful
« Reply #21 on: August 06, 2012, 12:10:05 PM »
Thank you for clarifying, but I already thought about that thankfully.  I cannot see his reaction going well if I told him that in that mood.
The problem with choosing the lesser of two evils is that you're still choosing evil.