Author Topic: Questions on inviting one half of the social unit update post 69  (Read 14833 times)

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SoCalVal

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Re: Questions on inviting one half of the social unit update post 69
« Reply #75 on: July 29, 2012, 12:15:13 AM »
So my followup question:  you've included Uninterested Spouse to the event, provided him/,her with a comfortable spot to sit and watch or not watch as they choose.  US proceeds to disrupt the activity by complaining, interrupting, whatever.  Do you try to soldier on, or stop an activity that x-1 people are enjoying to watch hello wrestling or whatever US wants to do?

I think you take aside US's spouse and ask him/her to address the interruptions.  Meanwhile, you continue to try to do the activity and never invite the participating spouse again to this activity.

For the study group -- it's not a social activity so US shouldn't even be there.  If US proceeds with disruption, they get asked to leave immediately.  I wouldn't waste my time at a study group when we couldn't study effectively.



Adelaide

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Re: Questions on inviting one half of the social unit update post 69
« Reply #76 on: July 30, 2012, 11:01:54 AM »
So my followup question:  you've included Uninterested Spouse to the event, provided him/,her with a comfortable spot to sit and watch or not watch as they choose.  US proceeds to disrupt the activity by complaining, interrupting, whatever.  Do you try to soldier on, or stop an activity that x-1 people are enjoying to watch hello wrestling or whatever US wants to do?

I think you take aside US's spouse and ask him/her to address the interruptions.  Meanwhile, you continue to try to do the activity and never invite the participating spouse again to this activity.

For the study group -- it's not a social activity so US shouldn't even be there.  If US proceeds with disruption, they get asked to leave immediately.  I wouldn't waste my time at a study group when we couldn't study effectively.

Olivia tends to show up to things (like study groups) whether she was invited or not. She's also a pouter, which means that if you ask her to do anything like settle down or be quiet she starts whining about how she's just trying to be with Paul and hang out, etc. Study groups have disbanded because of her before, and I've been the first one to say "I don't think we're getting anything done here, I'm going to study in my dorm."

With other people, I would say ask the US to cut it out, but with Olivia it borders on difficult to impossible.

StuffedGrapeLeaves

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Re: Questions on inviting one half of the social unit update post 69
« Reply #77 on: July 31, 2012, 01:21:15 PM »
So my followup question:  you've included Uninterested Spouse to the event, provided him/,her with a comfortable spot to sit and watch or not watch as they choose.  US proceeds to disrupt the activity by complaining, interrupting, whatever.  Do you try to soldier on, or stop an activity that x-1 people are enjoying to watch hello wrestling or whatever US wants to do?

I think you take aside US's spouse and ask him/her to address the interruptions.  Meanwhile, you continue to try to do the activity and never invite the participating spouse again to this activity.

For the study group -- it's not a social activity so US shouldn't even be there.  If US proceeds with disruption, they get asked to leave immediately.  I wouldn't waste my time at a study group when we couldn't study effectively.

Olivia tends to show up to things (like study groups) whether she was invited or not. She's also a pouter, which means that if you ask her to do anything like settle down or be quiet she starts whining about how she's just trying to be with Paul and hang out, etc. Study groups have disbanded because of her before, and I've been the first one to say "I don't think we're getting anything done here, I'm going to study in my dorm."

With other people, I would say ask the US to cut it out, but with Olivia it borders on difficult to impossible.

Adelaide, why are you friends with this girl again?  She sounds exhausting. 

Adelaide

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Re: Questions on inviting one half of the social unit update post 69
« Reply #78 on: July 31, 2012, 02:14:07 PM »
So my followup question:  you've included Uninterested Spouse to the event, provided him/,her with a comfortable spot to sit and watch or not watch as they choose.  US proceeds to disrupt the activity by complaining, interrupting, whatever.  Do you try to soldier on, or stop an activity that x-1 people are enjoying to watch hello wrestling or whatever US wants to do?

I think you take aside US's spouse and ask him/her to address the interruptions.  Meanwhile, you continue to try to do the activity and never invite the participating spouse again to this activity.

For the study group -- it's not a social activity so US shouldn't even be there.  If US proceeds with disruption, they get asked to leave immediately.  I wouldn't waste my time at a study group when we couldn't study effectively.

Olivia tends to show up to things (like study groups) whether she was invited or not. She's also a pouter, which means that if you ask her to do anything like settle down or be quiet she starts whining about how she's just trying to be with Paul and hang out, etc. Study groups have disbanded because of her before, and I've been the first one to say "I don't think we're getting anything done here, I'm going to study in my dorm."

With other people, I would say ask the US to cut it out, but with Olivia it borders on difficult to impossible.

Adelaide, why are you friends with this girl again?  She sounds exhausting.

We're just casual friends. I've known Paul pretty much my whole life, and we started hanging out more in college, where we both met Olivia. She's one of those friends you really have to only invite to certain things. I'll go play tennis with her any day or go shopping or something, but you take her in small doses. She's certainly not my best friend I want to see all the time or anything.

LifeOnPluto

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Re: Questions on inviting one half of the social unit update post 69
« Reply #79 on: August 04, 2012, 04:03:22 AM »
So my followup question:  you've included Uninterested Spouse to the event, provided him/,her with a comfortable spot to sit and watch or not watch as they choose.  US proceeds to disrupt the activity by complaining, interrupting, whatever.  Do you try to soldier on, or stop an activity that x-1 people are enjoying to watch hello wrestling or whatever US wants to do?

Chiming in a bit late here, but I'd say something like "Sorry, Uninterested Spouse, the majority rules. Four out of five of us want to play Risk, not compare shoes."

If I was feeling charitable and other people were ok with it, I might suggest that we play Risk for another half hour or something, and then switch to whatever Uninterested Spouse wants to do.

If none of that suited Uninterested Spouse, and they still kept on pouting and interrupting, I'd adopt SoCalVal's suggestion of pulling Interested Spouse aside, and asking them the best way of handling the situation. Chances are they might be highly embarrassed by Uninterested Spouse's behaviour! (On the other hand, they might want to keep Uninterested Spouse Happy At All Costs, and ask if the group switches to whatever Uninterested Spouse wants to do!)

ChiGirl

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Re: Questions on inviting one half of the social unit update post 69
« Reply #80 on: August 05, 2012, 01:38:53 AM »
If none of that suited Uninterested Spouse, and they still kept on pouting and interrupting, I'd adopt SoCalVal's suggestion of pulling Interested Spouse aside, and asking them the best way of handling the situation. Chances are they might be highly embarrassed by Uninterested Spouse's behaviour! (On the other hand, they might want to keep Uninterested Spouse Happy At All Costs, and ask if the group switches to whatever Uninterested Spouse wants to do!)

Or option 3: maybe Paul really likes having Olivia fuss over him and beg for his attention in front of his friends.

greencat

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Re: Questions on inviting one half of the social unit update post 69
« Reply #81 on: August 05, 2012, 10:12:46 AM »
I have a few different thoughts on this:
Me, personally: I actually came to intensely dislike the idea that I had suddenly become a "unit" with my significant other, incapable of leaving the house without his presence, over the course of my last relationship.  When I did go to something we'd been invited to by myself, even though it was only interesting to me, I'd get bombarded with questions over where he was and why he wasn't there.  When I turned down invitations or had to cancel because of him (he'd have "health problems" at the last minute, which I later realized was a ploy to get to stay home and play video games and drink beer instead of having to get dressed and go out) I'd get asked why I couldn't come by myself, or I'd end up not getting invited to things by those people anymore.

My friends' significant others:
My friend Amy has an amazing, awesome boyfriend.  He's great.  Any invitation I extend to her automatically includes him, unless I specifically say I just want to spend one on one time with her - my friend group is very non gender-oriented so we don't really do gendered nights out.

My friend Carl is married.  We met and are mainly friends through my RPG group.  My RPG group is nowhere near as formal as a "club" and it's a very social activity - and I'm presently but have not always been the only female member, so it's not a gender-specific activity. 
His wife was originally part of the group, but she ragequit after we switched to a new rule set which she refused to read or follow.   She no longer participates, and we no longer play at their house.  When we socialize as a group outside of the actual gameplay nights, she gets invited if he is.  However, on gameplay nights, we do not invite her.  We don't invite the non-participating spouses of the other two married players either, though they are welcome to join the game if they'd like to make a character (one of the wives will join us on rare occasions, the other has no interest.)  This applies even though we typically play at one or the other of their homes.  Basically, we're getting together to do one particular activity, and it's not a spectator sport.

I do think you should have had a word with Paul a long time ago about Olivia - and he should have been able to make a decision to either continue to be invited to Risk games with the understanding that Olivia would not be tagging along, or that he would no longer be invited if he could not be separated from her presence for a few hours.