General Etiquette > Family and Children
Can she ask why?
Mental Magpie:
Dark Best Friend, I'll call her Gen (she would kill me for using that name >:D), is the stepmother to a 9 year old (Katie) and an 11 year old (Jack). Jack has made two friends in the neighborhood named Luke and John. John is Stacy's son; Luke belongs to someone else.
Jack asked both Luke and John if they wanted to spend the night for a sleepover. Luke was allowed to but John was not. Stacy apparently said that John was not allowed to stay at Jack's and Jack was not allowed to stay at John's. The kicker? Katie's allowed to, just not Jack.
When Jen asked Jack what he had done to make Stacy feel that way, Jack couldn't come up with an answer. He didn't know and couldn't think of anything.
Jen wants to know why her son isn't welcome at someone else's home, especially if he really did something wrong so she can correct it.
Would it be rude for Jen to ask? Neither of us could decide either way.
WillyNilly:
I'd be more concerned as to how or why it came up that Katie could stay over - she's a different age and gender and wasn't part of the equation to begin with - why and how was she even mentioned? Thats kinda weird/creepy.
I think Gen can ask, but unless she's friends with Stacy its going to come across as hostile I think, no matter how nicely she asks. The fact is Stacy doesn't want the boys doing sleepovers. It might have nothing to do with Jack, but more about her ideas about boys, or about their ages, or something that happened to her in her childhood, or any sort of random reason. unless Stacy very specifically said John could have sleepovers with other peer boys, the information you posted doesn't point to it being about Jack specifically at all.
Judah:
I don't think it would be rude as long as the query doesn't come off as confrontational, but rather out of concern. So, not, "Why won't you let Jack come to your house?", but rather, "Stacy, I understand there's been a problem between Jack and John. I'm concerned that Jack has been inappropriate and would like to correct the situation if I can."
Mental Magpie:
--- Quote from: WillyNilly on August 01, 2012, 06:14:08 PM ---I'd be more concerned as to how or why it came up that Katie could stay over - she's a different age and gender and wasn't part of the equation to begin with - why and how was she even mentioned? Thats kinda weird/creepy.
I think Gen can ask, but unless she's friends with Stacy its going to come across as hostile I think, no matter how nicely she asks. The fact is Stacy doesn't want the boys doing sleepovers. It might have nothing to do with Jack, but more about her ideas about boys, or about their ages, or something that happened to her in her childhood, or any sort of random reason. unless Stacy very specifically said John could have sleepovers with other peer boys, the information you posted doesn't point to it being about Jack specifically at all.
--- End quote ---
Katie has been invited to spend the night there before; Katie only came up in the conversation between Gen and me.
From what Gen told me (and this was relayed to her by Jack), when John asked Stacy, she thought Jack and John were spending the night at Luke's and said okay. When she found out it was at Jack's, not Luke's, she said something along the lines of, "No, you're not allowed to stay there and he's not allowed to stay here."
TheVapors:
I would be very, very careful with both the approach and wording used if it was decided that Gen needed to find out why Jack wasn't allowed.
If she decides she should approach Stacy, I suggest something like the following:
"Hey Stacy, something came up recently, and I was curious about it. Before I say anything more, I want to assure you I'm not trying to get you to change your mind on the decision, I honestly just want to find out what happened so that I can correct the problem if there is one. Jack stated that he's not allowed to stay at John's, and that John is not allowed to stay at Jack's. Did Jack do something that I should know about? Again, your house. And you get to decide who stays for any reason. I just want to make sure to nip a bad behavior in the bud if Jack was doing something he wasn't supposed to."
Let Stacy answer. Thank her for taking the time to explain whatever happened. Or be accepting if she doesn't want to talk about it. In other words, not the time to get on the defensive. Gen's just looking to find out what happened.
Then go to Jack. If something did happen, then Jack can be talked to about whatever it was.
Or, if after talking to Stacy, it's clear that nothing really happened, and this is just a weird thing, then it's the "life lesson" time for Jack. "Sometimes people do things that we don't understand. But, it's her home, and you and Luke can still hang out together outside of their house."
Edited: Ugh. Names.
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