Author Topic: Wouldn't date you when you were FAT, but now wants you since your THIN  (Read 5132 times)

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GI_JANE

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Do you give him her a chance?

And I am talking massive weight loss/gain (like for me around 100 lbs)

Scenario 1- He was your friend before, but now wants to be more than friends.

Scenario 2 - Ignored you before, now all of a sudden you exist (this can be co-workers now acknowledging you, inviting you to work parties as friends, or trying to peruse a relationship with you.

Scenario 3 - Someone you never met before. You find them attractive and want to give them the benifit of the doubt, but then again you know how people have treated you in the past. Someone like this would have never given you the time of day before, but they are do.

gollymolly2

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Re: Wouldn't date you when you were FAT, but now wants you since your THIN
« Reply #1 on: August 02, 2012, 12:18:29 PM »
I wouldn't date anyone who had mistreated or ignored me in the past. But I think it's reasonable that, if your looks change, then people who weren't physically attracted to you before might be attracted to you now, or vice versa.

Applying that to your specific scenarios, and assuming I was interested in these people, I'd date (1) and (3) but not (2).

WillyNilly

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Re: Wouldn't date you when you were FAT, but now wants you since your THIN
« Reply #2 on: August 02, 2012, 12:19:26 PM »
Loosing weight - especially a large amount - is fraught will all kinds of issues beyond a new diet & lifestyle and a new wardrobe.  People - all sorts of people, from social to professional, to waiters & shopkeepers, to strangers on the bus - treat you differently and you have to learn how to navigate this new self through the world.

Every situation is going to be one you have to approach as individual, and also personal to yourself.

A few things to consider:
* Why did you loose weight?  Did you do it, at least in part, because you didn't think you were attractive heavier?  If so... is it so wrong for others to also have thought that?

* Aside from actual appearance, often, especially as we age, health and longevity are major attractiveness features.  If you lost weight in a healthy way and have a healthier lifestyle that could be what now makes you more attractive, not your appearance.

* Loosing weight often involves lifestyle changes such as new hobbies such as perhaps new hobbies or sports.  Again that could be what now makes you more attractive, not your appearance.

* Loosing a lot of weight changes how you see yourself and how you act.  You dress differently, maybe have more confidence, maybe are a bit more out going, maybe a bit more adventurous, etc.  Personality and how you carry yourself can be major points of attraction for others.

Reason

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Re: Wouldn't date you when you were FAT, but now wants you since your THIN
« Reply #3 on: August 02, 2012, 12:23:01 PM »
Since scenarios 1, 2 and 3 pretty much cover everyone, except maybe for 4) Someone you've never met but who would have wanted to date you regardless of weight (but that's indistinguishable from 3), then saying no to giving them a chance would mean you stay single for the rest of your life.

I would recommend you do give them a chance, except for 2.

amylouky

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Re: Wouldn't date you when you were FAT, but now wants you since your THIN
« Reply #4 on: August 02, 2012, 12:24:28 PM »
Well, if the answer to all three of those is "no", then you'd have to stick to only reconnecting with ex boyfriends who dated you when you were heavier, no?

That's a tricky question. There's so much more that goes along with weight loss, especially a very big weight loss like you have accomplished (Congratulations, by the way!).  Confidence, attitude, activity level, and really just what things are possible in a relationship are all going to be different than they were 100 pounds ago.  I know that's an assumption, but as an example, for me personally I wouldn't be a good match for someone who likes to take long hikes, play beach volleyball, etc. because I'm just not fit enough for it. But, if I did get in shape.. maybe?


Winterlight

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Re: Wouldn't date you when you were FAT, but now wants you since your THIN
« Reply #5 on: August 02, 2012, 12:30:12 PM »
Since scenarios 1, 2 and 3 pretty much cover everyone, except maybe for 4) Someone you've never met but who would have wanted to date you regardless of weight (but that's indistinguishable from 3), then saying no to giving them a chance would mean you stay single for the rest of your life.

I would recommend you do give them a chance, except for 2.

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Adelaide

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Re: Wouldn't date you when you were FAT, but now wants you since your THIN
« Reply #6 on: August 02, 2012, 12:33:18 PM »
Scenario 1.5: casual friend, suddenly wanted to date me when I sprouted up 2" and lost 40 pounds. Puberty was kind to me. But the guy in question was 6" shorter and had a huge beer gut. Yet he suddenly thought I deserved to be with him when my appearance improved and his stayed the same.  ::) He kept making all sorts of borderline-lewd comments that, while complimentary, were not something I was interested in.

As far as giving people a chance who didn't/wouldn't before, other posters have touched on it. When one of my guy friends got seriously into hiking and running he lost about 75 pounds and I was very interested in dating him before he moved off. Not just because he looked amazing, but we enjoyed the same types of things, whereas before all he did was want to sit and play video games (I like to be outside) and wanted to eat at places like Taco Bell all the time when that sort of food upset my stomach.

TL; DR Version: I agree with all the posters above me.

WillyNilly

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Re: Wouldn't date you when you were FAT, but now wants you since your THIN
« Reply #7 on: August 02, 2012, 12:39:34 PM »
As far as
Quote
Ignored you before, now all of a sudden you exist (this can be co-workers now acknowledging you, inviting you to work parties as friends, or trying to peruse a relationship with you.

A few posters have said essentially to not give these folks a chance.  But I think it can depend.

I have a friend, who I've been friends with for many years (over a decade) and its kinda an opposite situation (she's gained several, possibly up to 100 lbs, in those years).  She used to dress nicely, and joke around in a positive goofy way, she used to be active and fun.

As she's gained weight she now dresses in old t-shirts that don't fit properly and sweatpants.  She just wants to sit around now instead of doing stuff.  And her humor has a darker edge to it.  She's less pleasant to be around - not because she's fat per say - but because if we do go out, she's not meeting the dress code, or she just wants to get there and find a place and sit, or she's making biting comments under the guise of humor. 

I know another guy who's always been very heavy.  To the point where he can't - physically can't - fit in the backseat of a couple friend's cars.  He doesn't have his own car.  And well... sometimes he doesn't get invited out because people don't like having to have their SO sit in the back seat every time in a car that is half theirs, just because this guy can only sit shot gun, with the seat pushed back all the way.  If he meets us where ever we are, or its a short drive, thats ok, but if its a long drive somewhere, its just physically uncomfortable to accommodate him.  he's fun, he friendly, he great, but his size impedes other people's space needs.

So sometimes you have to look at what else has changed about you aside from the weight - if your co-workers now invite you out after work because now you can make it into the trendy bar with the dress code because your weight loss prompted you to dress more nicely, it might not be that they didn't want to be seen with you when you were fat or didn't like you, it might have been they didn't want you to be embarrassed being turned away at the door.  If your peripheral friends invite you to the amusement park with them now but didn't when you were fat, maybe its because you didn't fit in the ride seats and couldn't keep up with an 8 hour day on your feet before.  These are real, and perhaps unfortunate, but practical concerns with the very overweight that have nothing to do with not wanting to be around fat people but rather not wanting to alter plans to accommodate some of the pitfalls.

Now if people were outright mean or rude, that's different, they are just mean people who don't deserve your attention.  But if they were always nice but simply didn't invite you out as much before it could have been for logistical reasons.

LazyDaisy

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Re: Wouldn't date you when you were FAT, but now wants you since your THIN
« Reply #8 on: August 02, 2012, 12:46:41 PM »
Yes, give all 3 categories a chance. Even group #2. I would be careful attributing anyone else's behavior solely to your weight loss, even if it appears that simple. Unless they are so rude as to state they are only interested in you now because you have become an acceptable weight to them, you don't really know what they're thinking. Of course I know that biases do exist, but it could be they had their own personal issues to deal with that you aren't privy to.

As others have mentioned, it could also be that in addition to the weight loss, your demeanor has also changed and that is attracting people.

For #3 don't write strangers off because you prejudged them that they would never have given you "the time of day before."
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Wordgeek

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Re: Wouldn't date you when you were FAT, but now wants you since your THIN
« Reply #9 on: August 02, 2012, 01:01:09 PM »
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