Adult Only Cocktail Party - Another UPDATE page 2, #43

[sparksals]

*Sigh*

We recently renovated our backyard patio.  We had to have concrete excavated and remove some structures and then have new concrete and landscaping.  It looks great and invited a bunch of friends over for a party on a Friday night at 7 PM to celebrate and see the new outdoor area.  We are known for our parties that we FULLY host - food, beverages, booze - and it is also known that our events are adult only -- well by most people. 

I have a single mother friend with a teenaged son who is very high functioning autistic.  He is going to be a senior this year,  drives, goes out with friends, etc.  He is fully capable of staying on his own, he stays home alone when she goes on business trips and he hangs with his friends.  She has in the past brought her son to our events without letting me know, and because of his condition, he changes the dynamic considerably.  He is argumentative, complains about the food and interrupts conversations.   I don't mind if he comes for casual things if it is just her, myself, my husband, her son and a couple friends we share for a casual fire pit night roasting weenies.... not something like this with alcohol flowing, lots of specialized foods, etc.  She is not part of the major circle that is attending this party, most guests don't have kids or if they do, they are empty nesters.  Issues such as this rarely come up.

Due to the nature of the party and given she assumes to bring him, I put adult only on the invitation (evite) that went to everyone as there were a few others with younger children we invited, but had never invited before who may not know the 'culture' of our parties.

You know where i"m going with this:  She responds she is bringing her son and that his social skills have improved a great deal.   That doesn't matter to me.  I clearly indicated it is an adult party.  I think she thinks this is a good opportunity for him to practice his new social skills, which, after seeing him a couple weeks ago, have not improved. 

So, I sent her a message telling her it is an adult only event and she denied presuming to bring her son. She further stated they wouldn't come if it was a problem.   I responded that it was stated in the evite, SHE is welcome, but it is an adult only event.    She is a bit touchy b/c she does deal with a great deal of discrimination and general everyday problems by the school and ignorant people.   I am sensing she is insulted that her son wasn't included.  I'm peeved that she ignored my adult only statement on the evite. 

This is what I wrote:  Did you get my message about the patio party being Adult only? I saw on the evite rsvp you want to bring *son*,  but it is a more formal cocktail party type event this time.

Her Response: 

• Oh, I can't imagine RSVPing  for him! That's funny. I must have selected some field that wasn't meant for that. At any rate, let me know if you don't want us to go. So sorry for any inconvenience.
• He was never an option in my mind.

The thing is, she physically typed in her response. It was not just a click a button type of thing.
This was her rsvp:
With bells on! Hopefully, the son will come for a spell (his social has picked up quite a bit,).
My Response:
Of course you can come and no inconvenience!  You rsvp'd yes for two and commented you will bring son on the evite.  The evite states over 21 adult only event in the description.     While he is welcome at some of our events, this one is  adult only.



I am waiting to hear from her, but I plan to continue to extend the invitation to her for this party, but not back down on the son coming.  He is a nice boy, but this is not the party for him.   

For future events, I think I will no longer be extending invitations to her because she has done this too many times.   The times she did it, she rsvp'd for one and then showed up with her son.   

How do I continue to let her know that she is welcome at this party, explain to her it is not a slight to him, but NO kids are invited and rarely are kids invited to our house if  she is taking this personally?  Etiquettely speaking, putting adult only on an invitation is not the best, but in this case, I felt I had to given her past behaviour and new invitees. 

Just to note, if he wasn't autistic, he still wouldn't be invited.  It is an adult only event.  No kids, period.   So let's not go there, please.

[Shoo]

I think you're going to have to call her up and be blunt.  "I'm sorry, but your son is not invited.  If you can't attend without him, we'll just have to see you another time."  I also think she's being intentionally obtuse, so I wouldn't worry about offending her.

[greencat]

If he shows up (either together with her or on his own,) explain to him that he was not invited to this event because he is not of legal age to drink.  Then make both him and his mother leave.

[MacadamiaNut]

Of course she can't be thinking about bringing him.  That's just crazy-talk!   It's adult only as you stated.  Plus, how will all the others feel?  You know, the ones who adhered to your rule.

I think you can just keep repeating what you stated in your response.  I thought it was clear and perfectly polite.

I also agree with what Shoo said and then if it escalates and he still shows up for some reason, what greencat said.

[Sharnita]

If he is going to be a senior, what is his age?  He will probably be 18 within the next several months.  Insisting on "adults only" might work for this event but by the next one she might be able to get him into "adults only" on a technicality.

[LadyL]

OP, as someone who was a guest at a party that was a similar situation, thanks for putting your foot down. In my case it was a rather intimate birthday party for a good friend, maybe 12 or less people there total, and one couple brought their son who was maybe in the 18-20 range. The GOH didn't seem to know him well at all, his parents just seemed to have brought him as a tag along, and he sat their awkwardly and silently the whole meal. It was a hosted meal at a nice restaurant too and I thought it was really tacky of them to bring someone who not only altered the group dynamic (I felt like I had to reign in my usually bawdy sense of humor) but also added on to the tab while not adding to the celebration, if that makes any sense.

Also, as a likely Aspie person myself, we really do best when we learn social rules and he is learning a whole set of wrong ones (that people can just add +1s to invites). That's really not fair to him, when he is already at a disadvantage at learning proper social behavior.

[sparksals]

If he is going to be a senior, what is his age?  He will probably be 18 within the next several months.  Insisting on "adults only" might work for this event but by the next one she might be able to get him into "adults only" on a technicality.

I got that covered.  I stated Adult only 21+ on the evite.   Drinking age here is 21.  I think he is 16, maybe 17.   

[MacadamiaNut]

I was just wondering, what happens when he turns 21?  I think the point is (and correct me if I'm wrong) but your parties are for the friends you invite.  Emphasis because your friend's son is neither invited, nor your friend. 

If you want to start laying some groundwork for the possibility that he is going to tag along to all your soirees and friend gatherings when he's 21, I would start hinting also on the "invited" thing and "gathering for friends" thing vs. just the age thing.

I think it's weird and I also wonder if the poor kid really even wants to go to these things...

[Mikayla]

I think you're being remarkably patient.  An adult only event (21 plus) is hardly challenging to figure out.  I think she's being both rude and deliberate in pushing this, and I'd tell her if she can't attend without him, you'll see her another time. 

Her mentioning of his improved social skills also strikes me as manipulative. 

[Outdoor Girl]

Frankly, I'd just quit inviting this woman.  And then when she says something, flat out tell her, 'Every time I invite you to an event, you bring your son who was not invited.  Why would I want to continue inviting someone who brings an uninvited person with them all the time?'

[rose red]

Her Response: 

• Oh, I can't imagine RSVPing  for him! That's funny. I must have selected some field that wasn't meant for that. At any rate, let me know if you don't want us to go. So sorry for any inconvenience.
• He was never an option in my mind.

Very PA and a liar.  Why would she put "us?" 

I would call her bluff and say if she need to take care of her son, that you understand and will miss her at this party.  Then never invite her again.[/list]

[O'Dell]

So, I sent her a message telling her it is an adult only event and she denied presuming to bring her son. She further stated they wouldn't come if it was a problem.   I responded that it was stated in the evite, SHE is welcome, but it is an adult only event.    She is a bit touchy b/c she does deal with a great deal of discrimination and general everyday problems by the school and ignorant people.   I am sensing she is insulted that her son wasn't included.  I'm peeved that she ignored my adult only statement on the evite. 

I don't doubt that she does deal with a lot of discrimination and ignorance as you say, but with her behavior toward you, don't you wonder if she's bringing some of her other problems on herself?

You are being remarkably polite and tolerant with this woman. I think you are right to not invite her to this sort of thing again. She can't handle it.

[NyaChan]

I think you're being remarkably patient.  An adult only event (21 plus) is hardly challenging to figure out.  I think she's being both rude and deliberate in pushing this, and I'd tell her if she can't attend without him, you'll see her another time. 

Her mentioning of his improved social skills also strikes me as manipulative.

That's what I'm thinking as well to a certain extent.  I feel like in her head, she has ceased to think of him as a kid so much as an autistic kid.  So when she gets the message from you saying that this is for adults, she hears that you don't want her autistic child there rather than you don't want kids there period.  Bringing up his improved social skills emphasizes the fact that she knew very well she was rsvp'ing for him as well as herself.  I would probably just give her a call or send a message repeating that you are only inviting your friends and as it is a cocktail party have only included those friends who are over 21 years old.  No one who is not old enough to drink will be able to come. 

[sparksals]

So, I sent her a message telling her it is an adult only event and she denied presuming to bring her son. She further stated they wouldn't come if it was a problem.   I responded that it was stated in the evite, SHE is welcome, but it is an adult only event.    She is a bit touchy b/c she does deal with a great deal of discrimination and general everyday problems by the school and ignorant people.   I am sensing she is insulted that her son wasn't included.  I'm peeved that she ignored my adult only statement on the evite. 

I don't doubt that she does deal with a lot of discrimination and ignorance as you say, but with her behavior toward you, don't you wonder if she's bringing some of her other problems on herself?

You are being remarkably polite and tolerant with this woman. I think you are right to not invite her to this sort of thing again. She can't handle it.

Hmmmmm good point.  She may very well bring some on herself.  She always seems prepared for a fight.  Now, don't get me wrong, she has some very legitimate beefs on certain things, but she looks more for fault than goodwill, I think.

[sparksals]

I think you're being remarkably patient.  An adult only event (21 plus) is hardly challenging to figure out.  I think she's being both rude and deliberate in pushing this, and I'd tell her if she can't attend without him, you'll see her another time. 

Her mentioning of his improved social skills also strikes me as manipulative.

That's what I'm thinking as well to a certain extent.  I feel like in her head, she has ceased to think of him as a kid so much as an autistic kid.  So when she gets the message from you saying that this is for adults, she hears that you don't want her autistic child there rather than you don't want kids there period.  Bringing up his improved social skills emphasizes the fact that she knew very well she was rsvp'ing for him as well as herself.  I would probably just give her a call or send a message repeating that you are only inviting your friends and as it is a cocktail party have only included those friends who are over 21 years old.  No one who is not old enough to drink will be able to come.

She hasn't responded to me yet.  Perhaps PA behaviour.  The bolded is so very true and I think that is how she views it.  She doesn't see it as an adult party, even though it was clearly stipulated.  She sees it as her autistic son not welcome and most likely so because he is autistic, not the fact no children are invited at all.