Adult Only Cocktail Party - Another UPDATE page 2, #43

[QueenofAllThings]

The point is this - you didn't invite him.

It's not his age (though that may be your reason for not inviting him) nor is it his autism. You didn't invite him. End of story. If she moans about discrimination, make it clear this is a party for legal drinkers only and has nothing to do with him as a person.

Stand your ground.

[TootsNYC]

*Sigh*

We recently renovated our backyard patio.  We had to have concrete excavated and remove some structures and then have new concrete and landscaping.  It looks great and invited a bunch of friends over for a party on a Friday night at 7 PM to celebrate and see the new outdoor area.  We are known for our parties that we FULLY host - food, beverages, booze - and it is also known that our events are adult only -- well by most people. 

I have a single mother friend with a teenaged son who is very high functioning autistic.  He is going to be a senior this year,  drives, goes out with friends, etc.  He is fully capable of staying on his own, he stays home alone when she goes on business trips and he hangs with his friends.  She has in the past brought her son to our events without letting me know, and because of his condition, he changes the dynamic considerably.  He is argumentative, complains about the food and interrupts conversations.   I don't mind if he comes for casual things if it is just her, myself, my husband, her son and a couple friends we share for a casual fire pit night roasting weenies.... not something like this with alcohol flowing, lots of specialized foods, etc.  She is not part of the major circle that is attending this party, most guests don't have kids or if they do, they are empty nesters.  Issues such as this rarely come up.

Due to the nature of the party and given she assumes to bring him, I put adult only on the invitation (evite) that went to everyone as there were a few others with younger children we invited, but had never invited before who may not know the 'culture' of our parties.

You know where i"m going with this:  She responds she is bringing her son and that his social skills have improved a great deal.   That doesn't matter to me.  I clearly indicated it is an adult party.  I think she thinks this is a good opportunity for him to practice his new social skills, which, after seeing him a couple weeks ago, have not improved. 

So, I sent her a message telling her it is an adult only event and she denied presuming to bring her son. She further stated they wouldn't come if it was a problem.   I responded that it was stated in the evite, SHE is welcome, but it is an adult only event.    She is a bit touchy b/c she does deal with a great deal of discrimination and general everyday problems by the school and ignorant people.   I am sensing she is insulted that her son wasn't included.  I'm peeved that she ignored my adult only statement on the evite. 

This is what I wrote:  Did you get my message about the patio party being Adult only? I saw on the evite rsvp you want to bring *son*,  but it is a more formal cocktail party type event this time.

Her Response: 

• Oh, I can't imagine RSVPing  for him! That's funny. I must have selected some field that wasn't meant for that. At any rate, let me know if you don't want us togo. So sorry for any inconvenience.
• He was never an option in my mind.

"us"?

OK, though, this is what I think.

I think your response to this was too long, and it got into "here's what you said," which is a form of finger-pointing. No good ever comes of that; it sounds scoldy, and it makes you look weak.

I think you should have simply replied, 'hope to see you there, and hope Son has a nice night at home or with friends"[/list]

[sparksals]

*Sigh*

We recently renovated our backyard patio.  We had to have concrete excavated and remove some structures and then have new concrete and landscaping.  It looks great and invited a bunch of friends over for a party on a Friday night at 7 PM to celebrate and see the new outdoor area.  We are known for our parties that we FULLY host - food, beverages, booze - and it is also known that our events are adult only -- well by most people. 

I have a single mother friend with a teenaged son who is very high functioning autistic.  He is going to be a senior this year,  drives, goes out with friends, etc.  He is fully capable of staying on his own, he stays home alone when she goes on business trips and he hangs with his friends.  She has in the past brought her son to our events without letting me know, and because of his condition, he changes the dynamic considerably.  He is argumentative, complains about the food and interrupts conversations.   I don't mind if he comes for casual things if it is just her, myself, my husband, her son and a couple friends we share for a casual fire pit night roasting weenies.... not something like this with alcohol flowing, lots of specialized foods, etc.  She is not part of the major circle that is attending this party, most guests don't have kids or if they do, they are empty nesters.  Issues such as this rarely come up.

Due to the nature of the party and given she assumes to bring him, I put adult only on the invitation (evite) that went to everyone as there were a few others with younger children we invited, but had never invited before who may not know the 'culture' of our parties.

You know where i"m going with this:  She responds she is bringing her son and that his social skills have improved a great deal.   That doesn't matter to me.  I clearly indicated it is an adult party.  I think she thinks this is a good opportunity for him to practice his new social skills, which, after seeing him a couple weeks ago, have not improved. 

So, I sent her a message telling her it is an adult only event and she denied presuming to bring her son. She further stated they wouldn't come if it was a problem.   I responded that it was stated in the evite, SHE is welcome, but it is an adult only event.    She is a bit touchy b/c she does deal with a great deal of discrimination and general everyday problems by the school and ignorant people.   I am sensing she is insulted that her son wasn't included.  I'm peeved that she ignored my adult only statement on the evite. 

This is what I wrote: Did you get my message about the patio party being Adult only? I saw on the evite rsvp you want to bring *son*,  but it is a more formal cocktail party type event this time.

Her Response: 

• Oh, I can't imagine RSVPing  for him! That's funny. I must have selected some field that wasn't meant for that. At any rate, let me know if you don't want us togo. So sorry for any inconvenience.
• He was never an option in my mind.

"us"?

OK, though, this is what I think.

I think your response to this was too long, and it got into "here's what you said," which is a form of finger-pointing. No good ever comes of that; it sounds scoldy, and it makes you look weak.

I think you should have simply replied, 'hope to see you there, and hope Son has a nice night at home or with friends"

The bolded is all I said when I first enquired.    Guess I should have included my response to hers where she said she didn't rsvp for him... she actually included him in her rsvp as a +1 and the blurb about bringing him and his social skills. 

This is the convo in full:

 Me:  Did you get my message about the patio party being Adult only? I saw on the evite rsvp you want to bring *son*,  but it is a more formal cocktail party type event this time.

Her: Oh, I can't imagine RSVPing  for him! That's funny. I must have selected some field that wasn't meant for that. At any rate, let me know if you don't want us to go. So sorry for any inconvenience.  He was never an option in my mind.
Me:  Of course you can come and no inconvenience!  You rsvp'd yes for two and commented you will bring him on the evite.  The evite states over 21 event in the description.     While he is welcome at some events, this one is  adult only.


I explained how I thought she was bringing him since her RSVP on evite stated her as a +1 and commented about bringing him and his improved social skills since she said she didn't rsvp for him.

Edited to fix quote

[Acadianna]

This:

The point is this - you didn't invite him.

It's not his age (though that may be your reason for not inviting him) nor is it his autism. You didn't invite him. End of story. If she moans about discrimination, make it clear this is a party for legal drinkers only and has nothing to do with him as a person.

It really doesn't even have anything to do with legal drinkers.  It has to do with "people who were invited" and "people who were not invited."

If I receive an invitation to someone's event, I don't presume that my adult children are also invited -- even though they're all over 21 and legal drinkers -- unless the host or hostess specifically tells me so or they receive their own invitations.

[buvezdevin]

While I agree with all who have said, "cocktail party, adults 21 and over" clearly covers this - and your friend/acquaintance has been obstinately obtuse on that point, I diverge on the "you didn't invite him" as the clear demarcation, in this case.

An online invitation which allows guests to reply "plus 1" would, at least among my friends, mean that an unspecified date for a single invitee would be welcome, just include in the response.  That may not be true for others, but I think it doesn't matter here if a single guest wanted to bring a child as a date, but the child was outside the the stated guest demographic - he is not 21 or over.  I'd stick with that as the reason he will not be welcome as a guest at this event.

[sparksals]

While I agree with all who have said, "cocktail party, adults 21 and over" clearly covers this - and your friend/acquaintance has been obstinately obtuse on that point, I diverge on the "you didn't invite him" as the clear demarcation, in this case.

An online invitation which allows guests to reply "plus 1" would, at least among my friends, mean that an unspecified date for a single invitee would be welcome, just include in the response.  That may not be true for others, but I think it doesn't matter here if a single guest wanted to bring a child as a date, but the child was outside the the stated guest demographic - he is not 21 or over.  I'd stick with that as the reason he will not be welcome as a guest at this event.

Very good point, Buvezdevin.  This is why I had the age demarcation.   The evite is set up that they can invite a guest.  I can disable that in the settings, but then my married friends, who are 90% of my guest list, wouldn't be able to add their social unit +1. 

I have no problem with single friends bringing a date if they wish.  They are adults.  No problem there.   That is what was intended by the +1.  Luckily, I was also able to limit it to one +1. 

[Venus193]

Frankly, I'd just quit inviting this woman.  And then when she says something, flat out tell her, 'Every time I invite you to an event, you bring your son who was not invited.  Why would I want to continue inviting someone who brings an uninvited person with them all the time?'

This.

This woman stubbornly ignores the fact that your parties are Adults Only.   In my book, people who do this get dropped from future guest lists.

[sparksals]

I'm afraid that is what I have to do. 

[January Girl]

Congrats on the new patio!

Let's say you held your event at a wine bar. Same evite, everything. There is no way she could bring her son as he IS NOT 21. The bar would not let him set foot in the place.

Even though this is your private home, the age 21 rule still applies. There are so many liablities with anyone under 21. I am very cautious when we have parties and specify adult only.

[rose red]

Like a PP said, I wouldn't bring up the age because what will happen when he turns 21?  I'd just say something about uninvited guests.  That is if you say anything at all.  Frankly, I'd just stop inviting her.

[TootsNYC]

This is the convo in full:

 Me:  Did you get my message about the patio party being Adult only? I saw on the evite rsvp you want to bring *son*,  but it is a more formal cocktail party type event this time.

Her: Oh, I can't imagine RSVPing  for him! That's funny. I must have selected some field that wasn't meant for that. At any rate, let me know if you don't want us to go. So sorry for any inconvenience.  He was never an option in my mind.

Me:  Of course you can come and no inconvenience!  You rsvp'd yes for two and commented you will bring him on the evite.  The evite states over 21 event in the description. While he is welcome at some events, this one is  adult only.


I explained how I thought she was bringing him since her RSVP on evite stated her as a +1 and commented about bringing him and his improved social skills since she said she didn't rsvp for him.

Edited to fix quote

This is what I wouldn't have bothered with. Next time (because there will be one), don't worry about trying to "explain" or to make the point "I'm not unfairly accusing you" or "I didn't either misunderstand you."

Just go straight to what you want: "hope to see you there; hope son has a good time doing something else."

And yeah, I'd just stop inviting her.

[sparksals]

I do plan to stop inviting her in the future, sadly.  I like her as a person.  After thinking of it, she has never reciprocated and seems to enjoy our hospitality without offering it in return.  Still haven't heard from her, so don't know if she still plans to come since I stated explicitly adult only.

It is assumed that a couple/social unit will come in twos even though the evite is set up to invite the emailee.  Looks like to curtail this in the future, I need to find another form of invitation.  Mailing is a bit formal for our circle.  Anyone have an idea for alternative to evite, preferably free? 

[sparksals]

This is the convo in full:

 Me:  Did you get my message about the patio party being Adult only? I saw on the evite rsvp you want to bring *son*,  but it is a more formal cocktail party type event this time.

Her: Oh, I can't imagine RSVPing  for him! That's funny. I must have selected some field that wasn't meant for that. At any rate, let me know if you don't want us to go. So sorry for any inconvenience.  He was never an option in my mind.

Me:  Of course you can come and no inconvenience!  You rsvp'd yes for two and commented you will bring him on the evite.  The evite states over 21 event in the description. While he is welcome at some events, this one is  adult only.


I explained how I thought she was bringing him since her RSVP on evite stated her as a +1 and commented about bringing him and his improved social skills since she said she didn't rsvp for him.

Edited to fix quote

This is what I wouldn't have bothered with. Next time (because there will be one), don't worry about trying to "explain" or to make the point "I'm not unfairly accusing you" or "I didn't either misunderstand you."

Just go straight to what you want: "hope to see you there; hope son has a good time doing something else."

And yeah, I'd just stop inviting her.

Ahhhh gotcha!  That makes sense. 

[Outdoor Girl]

It is assumed that a couple/social unit will come in twos even though the evite is set up to invite the emailee.  Looks like to curtail this in the future, I need to find another form of invitation.  Mailing is a bit formal for our circle.  Anyone have an idea for alternative to evite, preferably free?

Could you get the other halfs' emails and disable the +1 function?  That way, each person would get their own invite.  It also means that everyone would have to reply, though, instead of one half replying for both.

[MacadamiaNut]

I do plan to stop inviting her in the future, sadly.  I like her as a person.  After thinking of it, she has never reciprocated and seems to enjoy our hospitality without offering it in return.  Still haven't heard from her, so don't know if she still plans to come since I stated explicitly adult only.

It is assumed that a couple/social unit will come in twos even though the evite is set up to invite the emailee.  Looks like to curtail this in the future, I need to find another form of invitation.  Mailing is a bit formal for our circle.  Anyone have an idea for alternative to evite, preferably free?

You could always send individual/personalized emails and therefore be able to more explicitly invite the +1 if one exists.  So if Jane is married, you can say, please bring your hubby!  For Jill who is single, you could say, feel free to bring that guy you're dating!  For Jack who is unattached, you just invite Jack.  You could also call your invitees instead of mass electronic communication of any kind.  But honestly, it's not your invitation that is the problem.  I mean, in an evite, you can state the rules surrounding the invite and it looks like you did that.  But I can see wanting to pull the reigns in a bit more on exactly who the extra people are that are coming, and evites do have a bit of ambiguity there.