Author Topic: Saying No Without Being Rude  (Read 5379 times)

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Angel B.

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Saying No Without Being Rude
« on: August 04, 2012, 04:00:52 AM »
Hi Ehellions!

I'm in a bit of a bind...and I'm not sure how the best way to say no is.

I moved about two months ago to a new city and have found it very difficult to make friends. There is a language barrier and just in general not knowing where to find people my age who are not on vacation. I made a couple friends so far and one of them "Mandi" I don't know very well. She's a nice girl, but I just don't know her very well as we haven't had much of an opportunity to spend time together(I work alot, even on weekends). My job also doesn't pay with money, I get room and board and my transportation and cell phone paid for instead. So far, I've been unable to find a paying job during my time off due to the economy and the time of year. Mandi knows this.

Yesterday I asked Mandi if she wanted to go to the beach today. She sent me back this text:

Ahhh i thought it could have been u too :p well tomorrow i return to (Our City) cuz i volunteered at a kids camp and i finish tomorrow but im sick its been a long week for me :/ as a matter of fact can u do me a huge favour and lend me 200 euro pleaseee ill pay it back within this month :) thankx

I really don't know what to say. I don't know her that well, so I don't know if she would actually pay me back. I also really don't have 200 euros to just give out, I'm taking a two week vacation that I need my own money for. It sounds weird I'm taking a trip when I don't have a job, but I've been budgeting for a year to afford the trip and have some money for expenses while I try to find a job.

Ehellions what can I say to her? Would "i'm sorry but I'm taking a trip and don't have extra money" be ok? I'm a little POed that she asked me the way she did.

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TheVapors

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Re: Saying No Without Being Rude
« Reply #1 on: August 04, 2012, 04:04:59 AM »
"So sorry, I can't afford to lend you any money."

"Sorry, all my money is going other places right now."

"Sorry :( I don't have extra money to lend."

Or, the ol' standby:

"I'm afraid that won't be possible."

LifeOnPluto

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Re: Saying No Without Being Rude
« Reply #2 on: August 04, 2012, 04:20:24 AM »
"Sorry, no can do. It's not in my budget right now."

Redsoil

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Re: Saying No Without Being Rude
« Reply #3 on: August 04, 2012, 04:40:19 AM »
"Sorry.  As you know, I don't actually get a wage at this job, so no spare $$"
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chibichan

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Re: Saying No Without Being Rude
« Reply #4 on: August 04, 2012, 04:45:05 AM »
FYI , it's not rude to say no . I would definitely be leery of someone I barely knew hitting me up for money .

By all means , use any of the previous posters' suggetions .
The key to avoiding trouble is to learn to recognize it from a distance.

BarensMom

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Re: Saying No Without Being Rude
« Reply #5 on: August 04, 2012, 05:37:53 AM »
Just say "Sorry, I can't do that."  If she whines, "Sorry, I can't do that." No explanation necessary. After all, you can't loan what you don't have, and you don't have money to loan.

MrsCrazyPete

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Re: Saying No Without Being Rude
« Reply #6 on: August 04, 2012, 05:44:21 AM »
I would definitely be leery of someone I barely knew hitting me up for money .

POD to that! You've only known her, casually, for a few months?? I don't know the exact dollar to euro conversion, but I know that (to me) it's a LOT of money. I'd be surprised if any of my close friends asked to borrow a sum that large.

But to answer your question, it's perfectly ok to tell her that with your own expenses you won't be able to loan it to her. One good thing (of many!) that I've learned from this board is that it's not rude to say no!
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camlan

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Re: Saying No Without Being Rude
« Reply #7 on: August 04, 2012, 06:48:18 AM »
A) Someone you don't know very well isn't a friend; she's an acquaintance.

B) Saying "no" to such a request is not rude. How you say "no" can be rude, but the word itself--not rude.

C) Don't offer any explanations or reasons why you can't lend the money. That would just give Mandi ammunition to start arguing with her. Make your refusal simple and to the point.

"Sorry, can't help you out."

"Sorry, that won't be possible."

Just because someone asks you for something does not mean that you need to give it to them. You are not rude, or a bad person, or mean if you choose to keep your own money for your own vacation. You do not need to do everything that other people ask of you. You are allowed to say "no" when you don't want to do what they ask.

Mandi has known you for less than two months, and she asking for 200 Euros? Please reconsider calling her a "friend." There have to be other potential friends out there, even if it takes a while to find them.
Nothing is impossible, the word itself says, “I’m possible!” –Audrey Hepburn


Yvaine

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Re: Saying No Without Being Rude
« Reply #8 on: August 04, 2012, 09:34:20 AM »
All I have to say is  :o :o :o

YummyMummy66

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Re: Saying No Without Being Rude
« Reply #9 on: August 04, 2012, 09:37:35 AM »
So, you ask her if she wants to hang and she comes back with you, she is doing this and this, she is sick and Oh, can I borrow some money?

I would reply, "I am sorry, but I have to say no to your request as it is not possible for me at this time".  I hope you feel better soon. 

I would never think to ask to borrow money from someone I hardly know.

This might be one friendship I would not be pursuing.

Outdoor Girl

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Re: Saying No Without Being Rude
« Reply #10 on: August 04, 2012, 09:50:33 AM »
I wouldn't say 'Sorry'!  I would just say, 'I don't have any money I can lend'.  Which is the truth.  You may have some money set aside but you have it earmarked for your own needs.

Who asks someone they barely know for $200?  $20, I can see but $200?  (I know you said Euros but the $ is so much easier to use.   :))
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TootsNYC

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Re: Saying No Without Being Rude
« Reply #11 on: August 04, 2012, 09:58:10 AM »
you don't have money to loan.

This is important.

Just because you have money doesn't mean you're obligated to loan it--or spend it--on things OTHER people want you do.

In fact, I don't think you should give any reason whatsoever.

Not "I don't have money"
Not "I'm taking trip."

Just text back, "No--feel better soon!"

(I'd say use the word "no" alone, but I find that most of us are more comfortable with more syllables--that's what gets us into trouble filling in those metaphorical blanks)

In fact, think of this: Mandi needs, for her own good, to hear a relatively blunt "no." Not rude--just, not apologetic. Not with excuses.
If you give her excuses, etc., you are giving her the mistaken lesson that this WAS a reasonable thing to ask.

QuiltLady

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Re: Saying No Without Being Rude
« Reply #12 on: August 04, 2012, 09:59:31 AM »
All good advice and I just want to chime in that this is someone I would NOT persue a friendship with!  Virtual strangers do not ask to borrow money!

Saying "no" is not rude at all.  You also don't have to explain your reason for saying no.  A simple, "I'm afraid that won't be possible." is all that is needed.  If she pushes for a reason why I believe I would ignore all further contact.  But that's me.

I was "friends" online with someone for years that I had never met in person.  We chatted almost every day.  Then one day I was asked for a good sum of money to help this person as they had just moved and didn't have a job.  This was very distressing as it changed my whole opinion of them.  I would NEVER, EVER have asked an aquaintance like that for money.  I dropped this friendship immediately.

GreenHall

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Re: Saying No Without Being Rude
« Reply #13 on: August 04, 2012, 10:00:07 AM »
Disclaimer, I don't text so don't know if this is possible or not...

The first sentence of her reply makes very little sense to me, based on what you indicate you texted.  Could she have been talking to someone else, and accidental sent a reply to them, to you instead?

Could you reply as if that's what you think? "Mandi, it looks like I got someone else's reply"?

Otherwise "that is not possible at this time" sounds like a 1) polite 2) very true response.

Yvaine

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Re: Saying No Without Being Rude
« Reply #14 on: August 04, 2012, 10:46:50 AM »
Disclaimer, I don't text so don't know if this is possible or not...

The first sentence of her reply makes very little sense to me, based on what you indicate you texted.  Could she have been talking to someone else, and accidental sent a reply to them, to you instead?

Could you reply as if that's what you think? "Mandi, it looks like I got someone else's reply"?

That's a good point.