What can I bring?

[anniehawks]

This was my problem with the pineapple upside down cake lady.  She definitely wanted her cake served at dinner.

That was very annoying of her. I imagine you were frustrated. I think if I had an informal meal and dessert, I might have presented her cake alongside whatever I had planned for dessert, but I would have felt like she were slightly rude and I would have considered not inviting her over again. But if, for some reason, I felt really strongly about my dessert being the only dessert, I would have stood my ground and told her "I have all the courses planned out. Thanks for your cake. It doesn't go with the theme of tonight's menu. I will leave it in the fridge and hope to enjoy it tomorrow night with my family." And then if she got really rude and wanted to bring her cake back home with her that evening, I'd have let her.

I didn't really make an issue of it.  When it was time for dessert, she came to the kitchen with me and got her cake.  We just put both desserts out.  I just let people decide which one the wanted.

[Mikayla]

There is a difference between insisting on bringing something to contribute to the meal/party and not wanting to show up empty handed.

I always ask if I can bring something (well almost always, sometimes I already know the answer is no so I don't ask anymore). If the answer is no, I take the hostess at her word. However! that does not mean I have to go empty handed. It's ok to bring a hostess gift that is not a dish to be served that night. A bottle of wine, a candle, or whatever. As hostess, I'm always genuinely delighted to receive a hostess gift in that vein.

It's not rude to show up with something, it is rude to insist on bringing something which is meant to be served that night after the hostess has declined your offer to do so.

Exactly!

I agree with both of you.   The fact that someone is well intended doesn't always erase rudeness.  When I ask if I can bring something, and I'm told no, I accept it and move on. 

Obviously, it's not rude to bring flowers or a box of candy, but if everyone simply accepted that "no means no", hostesses wouldn't have that upside down pineapple cake conundrum!  Sure, it's fine to set it aside, but for many people, it creates awkwardness in trying to explain why the cake won't be served. 

[doodlemor]

This was my problem with the pineapple upside down cake lady.  She definitely wanted her cake served at dinner.

That was very annoying of her. I imagine you were frustrated. I think if I had an informal meal and dessert, I might have presented her cake alongside whatever I had planned for dessert, but I would have felt like she were slightly rude and I would have considered not inviting her over again. But if, for some reason, I felt really strongly about my dessert being the only dessert, I would have stood my ground and told her "I have all the courses planned out. Thanks for your cake. It doesn't go with the theme of tonight's menu. I will leave it in the fridge and hope to enjoy it tomorrow night with my family." And then if she got really rude and wanted to bring her cake back home with her that evening, I'd have let her.

I didn't really make an issue of it. When it was time for dessert, she came to the kitchen with me and got her cake.  We just put both desserts out.  I just let people decide which one the wanted.

This story gets worse the more that you tell.  I would be so-ooooo livid if someone intruded in my kitchen like that. 

If I had worked as hard as you did on a lovely Italian dinner I would have told her that the pineapple thing wasn't going to be served, especially after hearing her PA comment to the other guests.

Your way worked out well, though.  It must have been a bit of a comeuppance for her that her dessert wasn't appreciated.

[anniehawks]

The pineapple upside down cake lady is just one of those people who is always judging other people.  In return, she thinks everyone is judging her the same way.  She always tries to out do everyone else.  When I do have to socialize with her, I just try to ignore her and not let her know she is getting to me.  It wasn't really the cake itself that bothered me, it was the way she made a big deal out of bringing something when nobody else had.

[doodlemor]

The pineapple upside down cake lady is just one of those people who is always judging other people.  In return, she thinks everyone is judging her the same way.  She always tries to out do everyone else.  When I do have to socialize with her, I just try to ignore her and not let her know she is getting to me.  It wasn't really the cake itself that bothered me, it was the way she made a big deal out of bringing something when nobody else had.

I'm sorry that you can't completely rid your life of this boor.

I agree about the remark.  That's what changes the scenario from clueless to malicious.

Somewhere recently on ehell I read that a good technique for dealing with some instances of nasty/PA remarks is to politely keep asking the unpleasant person to explain, explain, explain what they mean until the person or the listeners get the true picture.

[White Lotus]

Offering to bring something is not rude.  It is actually the polite thing to do.  What is rude is to insist and not take no for an answer. 

When I host, i plan a menu.  I have the platters selected, the food timed, a theme planned and food on the table to fit my table  While they may have good intention to ask to bring something, it is insulting to not take no for an answer bc it implies I cannot adequately provide for my guests.  It also causes me extra work to find a place for food that was not wanted in the first place. When I ask people to my home, I host.  Fully.  Completely.

POD.

  I usually plan unsrewuppable things like drinks, chips, green salad (pointing out I have dressing), bread (I do specify), paper plates, napkins and the like for those who will not be discouraged from bringing.  Sometimes desserts.  What I HATE (being veg) is that after I have planned a complete and coordinated meal and cooked my little heart out, assigning things to those who insist, is somebody who did not ask to do so showing up with a hunk of meat and announcing LOUDLY and raucously that they "BROUGHT DINNER."  And it needs some preparation, which I will not do, so they must, blowing my timing and often the meal I have prepared.  My not doing it has no effect on the time it takes.  Happens all the time. Different people.  Told not to.  Do it anyway (and no longer invited unless no choice.) Please don't do this.

[Miss Unleaded]

Offering to bring something is not rude.  It is actually the polite thing to do.  What is rude is to insist and not take no for an answer. 

When I host, i plan a menu.  I have the platters selected, the food timed, a theme planned and food on the table to fit my table  While they may have good intention to ask to bring something, it is insulting to not take no for an answer bc it implies I cannot adequately provide for my guests.  It also causes me extra work to find a place for food that was not wanted in the first place. When I ask people to my home, I host.  Fully.  Completely.

POD.

  I usually plan unsrewuppable things like drinks, chips, green salad (pointing out I have dressing), bread (I do specify), paper plates, napkins and the like for those who will not be discouraged from bringing.  Sometimes desserts.  What I HATE (being veg) is that after I have planned a complete and coordinated meal and cooked my little heart out, assigning things to those who insist, is somebody who did not ask to do so showing up with a hunk of meat and announcing LOUDLY and raucously that they "BROUGHT DINNER."  And it needs some preparation, which I will not do, so they must, blowing my timing and often the meal I have prepared.  My not doing it has no effect on the time it takes.  Happens all the time. Different people.  Told not to.  Do it anyway (and no longer invited unless no choice.) Please don't do this.

 

My mother in law has been known to do similar, but I let her because I am the only vegetarian in the family.  But it really bothers me.

[mlkind1789]

We have a group of friends we host for a game night every few months and I always have a specific menu planned - the last time was "Cinco de Derby" this year and the menu was tacos with all the trimmings.

I know how you feel about not wanting anything to clash, so I usually just tell the people who ask "if you would like to bring something to drink that would be great".  That way they feel like they are helping and I don't have to worry about things clashing with my menu.

Although a couple of the people really like to bake, so they are always welcome to bring sweet goodies with them. 

[sparksals]

This is what I don't understand.  Why do people feel the need to 'help'?  If I wanted help, I would ask for it.  If I invite them over for a hosted evening, I want to be the one to host.  When they invite me to their house, I let them host and bring a gift that has nothing to do with the meal.

[CakeEater]

I suspect that in some cases, it's that they find providing a whole meal, including drinks, to be too expensive/too much work/too much stress, and they can't imagine anyone finding that process enjoyable, so they want to help you out. My MIL is like this.

[NyaChan]

In some cases it is ego and the attention.  Others may fear taking the hostess at her word and showing up to find everyone else brought things.

[mbbored]

This is what I don't understand.  Why do people feel the need to 'help'?  If I wanted help, I would ask for it.  If I invite them over for a hosted evening, I want to be the one to host.  When they invite me to their house, I let them host and bring a gift that has nothing to do with the meal.

As grad students, my circle is only now moving beyond making everything potluck. For us, it's reflexive and pretty normal. I'd say about half the time, I get asked to pick up a bottle of wine, or a loaf of bread, or to bring a salad. I've done it myself when I realize I forgot something or somebody asks if they can bring their very hungry boyfriend along, though generally I say I've got it covered.

[sparksals]

This is what I don't understand.  Why do people feel the need to 'help'?  If I wanted help, I would ask for it.  If I invite them over for a hosted evening, I want to be the one to host.  When they invite me to their house, I let them host and bring a gift that has nothing to do with the meal.

As grad students, my circle is only now moving beyond making everything potluck. For us, it's reflexive and pretty normal. I'd say about half the time, I get asked to pick up a bottle of wine, or a loaf of bread, or to bring a salad. I've done it myself when I realize I forgot something or somebody asks if they can bring their very hungry boyfriend along, though generally I say I've got it covered.

I think there is a difference between grad students and people who host dinner parties .   We are in our mid 40's, so our hosting and parties are different than college students. 

[mbbored]

This is what I don't understand.  Why do people feel the need to 'help'?  If I wanted help, I would ask for it.  If I invite them over for a hosted evening, I want to be the one to host.  When they invite me to their house, I let them host and bring a gift that has nothing to do with the meal.

As grad students, my circle is only now moving beyond making everything potluck. For us, it's reflexive and pretty normal. I'd say about half the time, I get asked to pick up a bottle of wine, or a loaf of bread, or to bring a salad. I've done it myself when I realize I forgot something or somebody asks if they can bring their very hungry boyfriend along, though generally I say I've got it covered.

I think there is a difference between grad students and people who host dinner parties .   We are in our mid 40's, so our hosting and parties are different than college students.

This is very true, but not everybody manages to move beyond this mentality.