General Etiquette > Family and Children

Is it okay to be left out of a "family" trip?

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travestine:
B/G My parents divorced when I was 13, I had two younger brothers. Both my parents remarrried - my stepmom had 3 children, my stepdad had none.  My mom died when I was 23, my two younger brothers have also passed away, leaving only my stepdad and one niece (and her little ones) on my mom's side of the family.  Essentially, my family has been my dad, my stepmom (who I love and respect immensely), two stepsisters with whom I have been close to on and off over the years, and a stepbrother I don't know well. I was extremely close to my stepdad, but he died several months ago, so the family I grew up in from age 14 on, is all gone.

Things have been especially tense between my stepsisters and I since my second brother died. While my stepmother understands what it must be like for me losing almost all of my family, my stepsisters have refused to accept that their experience of losing their stepbrothers is different from my experience of losing both my siblings.  Even though we are supposed to be "sisters" and "equals", they do things together on a regular basis and do not include me that they refer to as 'sister' events. That's not the real issue, though.

The real issue is that every year, and again this year, my parents and at least one of my stepsisters and their families go up to a property owned by my stepmom's sister and her husband that has several cabins on it and is for the use of her side of the family.  The problem is, they never tell that they are going and it catches me off guard every year.  Once again, this year I accidentally pieced it together by my stepmom saying 'Dad and I are going up to the lake this week' and then reading an FB posting from one stepsister to the other hoping that she and her daughter see a meteor shower that's coming up 'while they are at the lake this week'.  Boom, there it is - this is there annual trip and once again, Mom didn't saying 'we're all going to the lake', she said 'Dad and I are going to the lake'. 

She's even done this when I've been at the lake myself and talked to her on the phone and she's said 'Dad and I will be up in a couple of days', but not mentioned that both my stepsisters and their families will be coming as well, and not suggested that perhaps I could join them, even though I was already there.  These are not spur of the moment trips - they are planned, as both my stepsisters work and have to book time off.  That time, the only reason I found out they were all coming was that my 'step' aunt and cousins were so distressed that my family would come to the lake with out TELLING me, let alone inviting me, that they felt they needed to tell me themselves.

What hurts most is that these trips always occur over the period of my father's birthday.  I'm his only surviving child and I haven't seen him on his birthday in quite a few years now.  He's over 70 and I don't know how many birthdays he has left.  He claims to love me more than life, and my stepmom loves me (she tells me and I know she's sincere), so I don't understand why these trips have become for "her" daughters only.  FYI - I do nothing with my parents without my stepsisters being involved.

Can anyone give me any insight into this?  My stepmother and her daughters don't talk about difficult subjects, so bringing it up won't work - I will just be met with a wall of denial.  I need tips on how to make peace with this for myself and how to deal with them without expressing my hurt at being left out.

Or am I being too sensitive and making a big fuss to myself over nothing?

Iris:
Wow. Ouch. I have no ideas for coming to peace with that, because I think it would take some time at the very least. The only thing I can suggest is to bring it up with your dad and make it in terms of wanting to see him on his birthday, rather than in terms of wanting to be included in the family trip.

Really, though, it may be time to distance yourself a little from the 'steps'. Catch up with your dad on his own and catch up with them at regular extended family functions. They are making it abundantly clear that although they love you you are not really *proper* family. If questioned on why you are distancing yourself I would just state the truth bluntly. If they try and say "That's not truuuuueeee! We loooooooove you!" simply reply, without emotion, that you are aware that they love you but you are being regularly hurt by their choosing not to treat you as family and you choose not to expose yourself to that. Then refuse to discuss it further.

I should add that in general I think we Ehellions can be too quick to say "Cut them off!", but I really really do think that for your own emotional health you may need a little space here.

yokozbornak:
I don't think you are being too sensitive at all.  I would be very hurt if I was in your shoes.  I know you said they don't deal with confrontation well, but at this point, who cares?  I think you need to address this with your stepmom and dad.  I think they need to know that it hurts your feelings.  Perhaps because this property belongs to your stepmother's family, she sincerely doesn't think to include you.  Perhaps they are just all insensitive clods.  Maybe your stepmom and dad know that their is tension between you and your stepsisters, and they don't want to deal with it during vacation. I think it's difficult to make peace with a situation when you don't understand what's going on.

On another note, it looks like you and your stepsisters both tend to dismiss each other feelings.  You are hurt because you aren't included in family outings, but you also dismiss their feelings about losing their stepbrother because they aren't his real sisters. Either you are a family or you aren't.  I can see where both sides are hurt, and I think this may be why some of this is happening.

faithlessone:
Travestine - how old are your stepsisters compared to you / your brothers? How old were they when their mother married your dad?

I agree with Yokozbornak. It sounds like you are completely justified in feeling very hurt by this, but, at the same time, I think everyone involved is a little to blame, including you. Even though you say that confronting this is not really an option, I think the only way this will ever be resolved is if you sit everyone down and tell them how you feel. Your dad would probably be the best place to start - what does he think of this situation?

Sharnita:
I think you need to be proactive.  If this is always over your dad's birthday then ask point blank ahead of time - :"What are everyone's plans for Dad's birthday?"

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