General Etiquette > Family and Children
Is it okay to be left out of a "family" trip?
Iris:
--- Quote from: yokozbornak on August 07, 2012, 03:25:15 PM ---
--- Quote from: travestine on August 07, 2012, 02:52:03 PM ---I get you, LadyJane. I found out not long ago that my dad used to visit his elderly aunt at her care home not 10 minutes from my house, but would never even tell me, let alone come and visit. I wish I could say this experience of feeling not worth his time was new, but it's not.
I guess it's confusing because, since my brothers died, he's made a big production about how much he loves me and how I'm his only child left, yet it's too much trouble to visit either me (or my niece, for that matter, the mother of his great granchildren and his son's grandchildren, who lives only an hour and a half away). It's great if we visit and call him, and he gets all weepy and mushy about how much he loves and misses us, but it's like 'out of sight out of mind'. But, of course, they can make the four hour trip to the lake to spend several days with my stepsister and her family. My stepmother isn't stopping him, she believes in not interfering in my father's relationship with 'his' side of the family and he makes time for his own brothers and sisters. It's the younger generation he seems to have a problem relating to.
Take with my son. When he was growing up, my son spent very little time with my father and my stepmom, although they loved him. My son spent his quality time with my stepdad, who my son felt was his 'real' grandpa. When my youngest SS had her daughter, my dad and stepmom couldn't dote on her enough. Even today, if my stepsister has to go on a business trip, my 75 year old stepmother lives at her house and takes care of her daughter, while my son has never spent the night at their home in his life.
--- End quote ---
Your dad sounds like my mom (and dad while he was living). I spend too many years visiting and calling with very little in return. A couple of years ago, when all heck broke loose after my dad's death, I decided to cut off my sisters and stop visiting because they all live next door to my mom and there is no way to avoid them. I have made it known repeatedly to my mom that she is welcome to visit here any time, but that's it's too hard for me both mentally and emotionally to visit. She has visited exactly once in 4 years and that was when she was fighting with my sisters and had no one to spend the holidays with. Now that they are all getting along again, I don't exist. She hasn't seen my youngest daughter since she was 8 months old. I used to call once a week, but I stopped doing that. Of course, she never bothers to pick up the phone and call us.
My mom says the right thing, and I suppose she loves us in her own way, but that's all she can give. You have to decide if you want the scraps your family's affection or if you just need to back away. I chose to back away because I finally decided I deserve better than scraps. I finally realized, it's them, not me! I am a likable and loveable person. I have a great husband, great children, and great friends. They are missing out by not being part of my life, not the other way around. You sound like a wonderful person, and you truly deserve to be treated better. Surround yourself with people who love you and care for you. Family is so much more than the people who are related by blood or whoever your parent happens to be married to.
--- End quote ---
This. Oh so much this. Your dad probably does love you - in his way. Some people just aren't very good at giving love unless you are right there. They just don't seem to understand the needs of others.
Only you can decide if you are happy to take what he is able to give. Personally, I would start looking for emotional support elsewhere.
Alpacas:
Personally, i would draw back from them.
I have a father that did almost the same as your father. He was never at home, alsways away on work, and i'd ask him to call me when he was home so we could spend time together. When he wouldn't call i'd call him only to realize that he was home for weeks and had to leave the next day again. No doubt that he loved me in his way, but it is not the way a child needs when growing up, or even when an adult.
Even tho your family always stressed the fact that you were "One" family, doesn't change it that they're not treating you this way.
They have "their" little family, and "their" daughters and sadly you are not part of that.
If you decide to spend less time and efford in staying in contact with them, and your father/SM decide to call you and complain that you're not visiting anymore, maybe then you can tell them why.
I once told my father everything that bothered me with his behavior towards me in an email. He read it, answered it, but didn't change. But i sure as H**l fellt better after that, because I didn't need to hold my pain back anymore.
btw.. if. deity forbid, something happens to your dads and SM health, don't get wheeled back in to take care of them. I have a feeling that your SS' could get all "But they're your parents toooo." if they have to take care of them. :(
I hope for your sake that they realize what they're doing, and if not, that you decide on actions that are best for your little family. :-[
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