General Etiquette > Life...in general

How to do the "no gifts" thing politely?

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MommyPenguin:
My oldest daughter received an invitation to a 5th birthday party on Saturday.  The mom invited the whole Sunday school class, and it's to be held at the church, which is kind of neat.  The invitation is cute, but does say "Don't need to bring a gift just come and have fun!" on the bottom.

So, that got me wondering.  We've discussed ad nauseum that "no gifts, please" isn't polite because it assumes that a gift would otherwise be expected.  Was there any other way for the mom to get this message out, other than putting a line on the invitation?  The reason I ask is that I like this mom's idea and might want to do the same (invite the Sunday school class) when my daughter's birthday comes around this winter.

She could wait for RSVP phone calls and people to ask what her daughter would like, and then tell them that gifts are not necessary.  But not everybody would ask when they called, and probably a lot of people would feel like the mom was just saying that to be polite but that everybody else would be bringing presents, so they'd feel obligated and get a present anyway.  There's no regular communication between the various parents (well, unless some of the parents know each other, which is possible, but not certain), so it would be hard to "spread the word" as is sometimes suggested with other events.

Does that mean that there just isn't really a polite way to do this?  I'm really curious.  Would it be more polite to suggest, if asked about what the birthday child wants, something that you know is inexpensive and easy to find?

MariaE:
I think that in this day and age gifts are expected at children's birthday parties - in that regard, they're similar to showers, and because of that, I don't think what the mom did was rude.

Knitterly:
I am also interested in the answer to this and in this whole conversation, as I'm planning my daughter's 1st birthday party.  I want to have a big bbq with friends and their kids and do not want birthday gifts (for that reason, we're doing a family party separately as I'm okay with gifts from family members).

SleepyKitty:
I totally understand the explanation that mentioning gifts at all makes it seem like you're expecting a gift. But there are some events where it is so culturally common for gifts to be given that it seems like a silly facade to pretend that you weren't expecting a gift. A child's birthday is a great example - an adult's birthday doesn't revolve around gift-giving so much, so I think that the phrase "no gifts please" on an adult's invitation would seem presumptuous. But on a child's, I really don't think it's rude at all. It seems a little silly to me in those circumstances to pretend you're not expecting gifts: that's the cultural norm in most places, and it is more polite to me to let the other parents know that it's not necessary for them to spend their money and time picking out yet another GI Joe for Billy.

Deetee:
It is common for birthday parties around here. It seems especially common for the early birthdays where the guestlist is larger and the party is not centered around the one or two year old. It was so common i didnt put it on my invites and assumed people wouldnt bring gifts. I was wrong.

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