Author Topic: What are your friendship deal breakers?  (Read 8600 times)

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TheBardess

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Re: What are your friendship deal breakers?
« Reply #60 on: August 09, 2012, 12:42:03 PM »
A big dealbreaker for me would be people who condescend, patronize, or belittle me because I have chosen to be a SAHM. Yes, I am a housewife, and the SAHM of two kids (so far...). Yet, believe it or not, my brain still works. I am not some blithering idiot who stays at home, sheltered in her kitchen, because the workforce is just too scary and intimidating for my little domestic brain. I am still an intelligent, curious woman, interested in and fascinated by a wide variety of subjects, and more than capable of holding her own in conversations on topics ranging from literature to art to politics. No, I do not consider my role as a SAHM to be a waste of my double major, Ivy League degree. I do hope eventually to go to grad school, earn a Ph.D., and teach, but right now, my kids need me full time, and I don't consider it to be a waste of my brains, talents, or "potential" to be home with them. (I tend to view education as an end in and of itself, not simply as a means to a high-paying job. Plus, I feel that having received the education I did enables me to stay curious and intellectually active and helps me be a better, happier, more well-rounded person, which in turn helps me be a better, happier mom. I also plan to homeschool my kids, so having that degree will come in useful there.)

I may not work. I may not be earning a high salary. I may not be out in the world, blazing paths and forging trails and doing Big, Important Things. But that doesn't make me some brainless moron incapable of understanding anything more complex than Jerry Springer, and it doesn't make me less of a person. So don't treat me like that.

Wow, that turned into a bit of a rant, didn't it? Sorry...this is a bit of a sore point for me (in case that wasn't clear!)!
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snowflake

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Re: What are your friendship deal breakers?
« Reply #61 on: August 09, 2012, 02:44:49 PM »
BPD is a has many symptoms and psychiatrists struggle with the diagnosis. Please, no further analyzing/discussions of BPD because all too often laypeople are too quick to jump to diagnosing them.

OK, to be fair I should say "severe manipulative behavior" when I'm talking about someone where I have no knowledge of how they have been clinically analyzed. 

But the specific instances I referenced when I wrote what was above was for people who have been diagnosed as Borderline.  Nearly all were diagnosed after being evaluated after a serious crime.  Of course HOW they managed to walk the earth free is a whole other subject.

nyarlathotep

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Re: What are your friendship deal breakers?
« Reply #62 on: August 09, 2012, 05:51:51 PM »
OK, to be fair I should say "severe manipulative behavior" when I'm talking about someone where I have no knowledge of how they have been clinically analyzed. 

But the specific instances I referenced when I wrote what was above was for people who have been diagnosed as Borderline.  Nearly all were diagnosed after being evaluated after a serious crime.  Of course HOW they managed to walk the earth free is a whole other subject.

Please do not make blanket assumptions about people with certain illnesses. Not all people with BPD will act the way you describe, and I have met plenty of toxic, manipulative people who don't have BPD.

whiterose

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Re: What are your friendship deal breakers?
« Reply #63 on: August 09, 2012, 08:40:59 PM »
- Abuse
- Trying to use me (translation, to get me to pay for goods and services for them, or to always give this person car rides and do favors for them).
- Constantly saying nasty things about other people, including but not limited to bigotry and gossip.
- Committing felonies
- Physical violence
- Not respecting my boundaries.
- Being controlling.
- Being too nitpicky.
- Use of illegal drugs, or abuse of legal substances.
- Being overly sarcastic and snarky.
« Last Edit: August 09, 2012, 09:33:09 PM by whiterose »
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BarensMom

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Re: What are your friendship deal breakers?
« Reply #64 on: August 09, 2012, 09:41:12 PM »
Here's one that broke the deal on a friendship recently:  Making oneself look generous at another's expense.  This last incident broke this camel's back:

Friend invited me to go to "The City" with her.  I'm waiting and ready at the time specified, friend arrives late with strange woman in tow - hadn't been mentioned.  Friend drags me to all the stores Stranger wants to see, then insists on expensive restaurant.  After lunch is finished, Friend insists that Stranger must accompany her to the restroom and disappear.  Bill arrives, I wait for several minutes with friend and stranger returning.  Finally, I pay the whole $100+ check, then leave the restaurant, to find Friend and Stranger had completely left the restaurant and had been to a store or two - didn't tell me.  Friend had decided that since she drove (gas + $5 toll), I was to buy lunch - without informing me beforehand.  The whole trip was to entertain Stranger, and Friend was beaming with the milk of human kindness at her own generosity.  Friend tried to stick me with the parking fee as well, but Stranger pulled out her wallet and paid for that ($28). 

Suffice to say, that's the last time I ever accept an invitation from Friend again.

pierrotlunaire0

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Re: What are your friendship deal breakers?
« Reply #65 on: August 10, 2012, 11:45:48 AM »
Until it happened to me, I had no idea it was a friendship killer.  Friend went to supervisor, protesting a change in policy, and as a selling point, she told him that I was in complete agreement with her position.

Except I wasn't.  If she had asked me, I would have told her that I agreed with the policy change.  But I had no idea until she had already spoken to him.

I was livid, and the friendship died immediately.  We were polite to each other, but she knew that I was furious with her.
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snowflake

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Re: What are your friendship deal breakers?
« Reply #66 on: August 10, 2012, 12:34:23 PM »
OK, to be fair I should say "severe manipulative behavior" when I'm talking about someone where I have no knowledge of how they have been clinically analyzed. 

But the specific instances I referenced when I wrote what was above was for people who have been diagnosed as Borderline.  Nearly all were diagnosed after being evaluated after a serious crime.  Of course HOW they managed to walk the earth free is a whole other subject.

Please do not make blanket assumptions about people with certain illnesses. Not all people with BPD will act the way you describe, and I have met plenty of toxic, manipulative people who don't have BPD.

I'm actually asking here for the same respect that is being given to the people who are claiming that they wouldn't be friends with people who are alcoholic or abuse illegal drugs.  That would exclude some of my good friends, but I'm not offended.  Everyone here is contributing criteria.  And so far only one criterion has been attacked.

And I'm asking that I not be lumped in with people who watch a special on television and turn into arm chair psychologists.  I didn't see anyone say, "I had this co-worker and I'd swear she was BPD." or "I got into a fight with my BPD mother." This is a real phenomenon which I and many others have had to deal with privately and professionally.  Please do not discount the fact that many of us have sacrificed a whole lot to try and understand, help, and save people with this diagnosis.  Some of us have decided that we aren't going to it for fun anymore.  Thus, the "friendship deal breaker."


Cat-Fu

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Re: What are your friendship deal breakers?
« Reply #67 on: August 10, 2012, 01:08:51 PM »
I guess I'm not all that picky, lol, I stay friends with addicts, the mentally unstable, and polite bigots (and by polite, I mean they keep their opinion to themselves).

My main sticking point is respect. If someone proves to that they have no respect for me, then I'm just not interested in staying friends. This includes attempted spouse-stealing, holier-than-thou/condescending attitudes, armchair-diagnosing me, or attempts to change who I am. Not interested.

Lucky for me, narcissists and users tend to stay away from me. Perhaps it is my general "you fix your own problems" attitude combined with having no money. :P
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Piratelvr1121

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Re: What are your friendship deal breakers?
« Reply #68 on: August 10, 2012, 03:33:30 PM »
OK, to be fair I should say "severe manipulative behavior" when I'm talking about someone where I have no knowledge of how they have been clinically analyzed. 

But the specific instances I referenced when I wrote what was above was for people who have been diagnosed as Borderline.  Nearly all were diagnosed after being evaluated after a serious crime.  Of course HOW they managed to walk the earth free is a whole other subject.

Please do not make blanket assumptions about people with certain illnesses. Not all people with BPD will act the way you describe, and I have met plenty of toxic, manipulative people who don't have BPD.

I've met people who were nasty pieces of work who used BPD as a crutch to defend nasty behavior, but I've also known people with BPD who were really cool and nice folks, so I wouldn't avoid someone simply with that diagnosis till I see how it manifests.

One guy I knew in college, a bf of a girl who's still a friend, was one who used the BPD as a crutch and later when she'd excuse his behavior with "Well he had this..." I'd say "Sorry hon, but he'd be a jerk whether he had that or not..."
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MacadamiaNut

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Re: What are your friendship deal breakers?
« Reply #69 on: August 10, 2012, 03:59:19 PM »
A mod stepped in earlier and kindly asked that BPD not be discussed any further.  Just wanted to mention it as I'm sure none of us want the OP's thread to get locked. I personally don't want that.  It's a good thread! :)
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Sirius

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Re: What are your friendship deal breakers?
« Reply #70 on: August 10, 2012, 04:32:57 PM »
I suppose that I could pretty much say "all of the above" to the types already mentioned, depending upon the situation in some cases.  My particular instant friendship deal-breaker?  Deceit.  Don't lie to me directly about something important.  I would rather be told a polite variant of "it's none of your business" than a lie.  Once I have discovered that a person has lied to me, that's the end.  To me, a lie says, "I think you're stupid enough that you won't find out the truth", and in my lifetime I have had a bellyful of being made to feel stupid.  I won't go there anymore.

Hmmm... maybe that's one of the biggest reasons that I married my DH--he does not lie, to me or anyone else.  (I love Asperger's men!)  The most he will ever do is fail to say something, and to my joy he doesn't do that about the important things.  He is the only living human being that I trust completely.  I guess that's kind of a burden for him, but he seems to have managed to tolerate it for over twenty years now, for which I am eternally grateful!

Mr. Sirius doesn't lie to me or anyone else.  He's told me things about myself that stung - but he was absolutely right.  He told me that I needed to get help for my paranoia, and was right there beside me when I got to the point where I couldn't take it any more and got help.  I trust him completely in a way I can't even trust my own relatives. 

Moray

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Re: What are your friendship deal breakers?
« Reply #71 on: August 10, 2012, 06:37:56 PM »
Oh for the love of all that is holy, THIS. I have known two people with borderline in my social circle, and BOTH times I had to threaten them with restraining orders eventually. One of them I barely even had any relationship with and she STILL went after me, and I'm still not entirely sure why. But once they feel you have rejected them for any reason, they get set on "destroy mode." My therapist friend calls them social terrorists.

I realize that living with the disorder is possibly the only thing as bad as being a victim of it but unless someone has seriously gone through like 10 years of DBT therapy I won't  get near these types with a 10 foot pole. And even then, I would keep them at MAJOR arms length, no close relationships at all.

I'm not sure even if they were on therapy that I would want anything to do with them, even as a casual acquaintance.  They tend to have a "scorched earth" philosophy towards life and I don't want to be there when they blow.

Again, we've been asked to drop it.
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cass2591

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Re: What are your friendship deal breakers?
« Reply #72 on: August 10, 2012, 07:11:26 PM »
Yes, table the BPD discussion, please, unless you all want the thread locked.
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