Body Art Etiquette

[Judah]

It was not my brother. He...would have known by then.

Any tattoo that is hidden from view is no one's business except those that the tattooie makes it.  So if for example it was your parents trying to find out from you if the girlfriend had tattoos, your parents were WAY out of line to ask you to find out and report back.

Agreed.

[Sheila Take a Bow]

It was not my brother. He...would have known by then.

Any tattoo that is hidden from view is no one's business except those that the tattooie makes it.  So if for example it was your parents trying to find out from you if the girlfriend had tattoos, your parents were WAY out of line to ask you to find out and report back.

I agree.  That's inappropriate and creepy.  Why would it matter to anyone outside of that relationship if the girlfriend had a tattoo or piercing?

[Twik]

So, let's be clear here - someone other than your brother wants to know if his girlfriend has a tattoo in an intimate area, and asked you to find out for them?

This is not a reasonable request. What exactly would these third parties plan to do if you told them she had a tattoo that said "well, hello sailor!" there? Tell him to end his relationship with her? If it doesn't bother your brother, it has no bearing on anyone else.

[whiterose]

So, let's be clear here - someone other than your brother wants to know if his girlfriend has a tattoo in an intimate area, and asked you to find out for them?

This is not a reasonable request. What exactly would these third parties plan to do if you told them she had a tattoo that said "well, hello sailor!" there? Tell him to end his relationship with her? If it doesn't bother your brother, it has no bearing on anyone else.

Not necessarily in an intimate area. In fact, a tattoo in an easily visible area would have been much more bothersome than one in a private part.

But you all are right in that it should not concern, affect, or involve anyone else other than the two of them. Next time, I will use my spine and mouth- and refuse to investigage.

[Moray]

So, let's be clear here - someone other than your brother wants to know if his girlfriend has a tattoo in an intimate area, and asked you to find out for them?

This is not a reasonable request. What exactly would these third parties plan to do if you told them she had a tattoo that said "well, hello sailor!" there? Tell him to end his relationship with her? If it doesn't bother your brother, it has no bearing on anyone else.

Not necessarily in an intimate area. In fact, a tattoo in an easily visible area would have been much more bothersome than one in a private part.

But you all are right in that it should not concern, affect, or involve anyone else other than the two of them. Next time, I will use my spine and mouth- and refuse to investigage.

I appreciate your second statement, but I'm confused by the first. 1) why? 2) to whom?

[SleepyKitty]

While I do agree with PP's that this is a little unusual, I can easily see how this may have come about in a non-creepy way. For example, say whiterose is chatting about the family with grandma, and they get on the subject of her brother's new girlfriend.

Grandma: "Well, remember that girl he dated before with all the tattoos? What'sherface? Does NewGirlfriend have any tattoos?"
Whiterose: "I don't know, Grandma."
Grandma: "Ask her and see. I just don't know what kids these days are thinking!"
Whiterose: "Okay, fine Grandma."

So, is it busybody? Yes. Is it none of Grandma's business? Yes. But not creepy, controlling, or all that unusual to be honest. It's the kind of low-level nosiness that it fairly common in families. People are curious about the SO's that are brought into a family and I think it's fairly normal for them to try and "suss" out the new person. Do they have tattoos, do they drink, do they smoke, where do they work, how old are they - technically none of these things are anyone's business, and yet it's normal to want to know them nonetheless, particularly the longer the couple has been together.

[Twik]

So, let's be clear here - someone other than your brother wants to know if his girlfriend has a tattoo in an intimate area, and asked you to find out for them?

This is not a reasonable request. What exactly would these third parties plan to do if you told them she had a tattoo that said "well, hello sailor!" there? Tell him to end his relationship with her? If it doesn't bother your brother, it has no bearing on anyone else.

Not necessarily in an intimate area. In fact, a tattoo in an easily visible area would have been much more bothersome than one in a private part.

But you all are right in that it should not concern, affect, or involve anyone else other than the two of them. Next time, I will use my spine and mouth- and refuse to investigage.

I appreciate your second statement, but I'm confused by the first. 1) why? 2) to whom?

Well, if the problem is that one dislikes the look of/is phobic about tattoos, I suppose a visible one would be more annoying than one in a place not normally visible.

[TurtleDove]

Why didn't the parents just ask the brother if it's so important to them?

I'm just really confused though - presumably they have met the girlfriend.  If they didn't see any tattoos, that's all they need to know.  I have five tattoos, none visible unless I am wearing a bikini (well, I have one on each wrist but they are white so essentially invisible unless you are trying to see them).  If my BF's parents "investigated" to find out that I have a tattoo on my hip, for example, I would be really creeped out.  Why on earth would they care?  And were the parents expecting whiterose to somehow get the girlfriend naked? 

[Sharnita]

So, let's be clear here - someone other than your brother wants to know if his girlfriend has a tattoo in an intimate area, and asked you to find out for them?

This is not a reasonable request. What exactly would these third parties plan to do if you told them she had a tattoo that said "well, hello sailor!" there? Tell him to end his relationship with her? If it doesn't bother your brother, it has no bearing on anyone else.

Not necessarily in an intimate area. In fact, a tattoo in an easily visible area would have been much more bothersome than one in a private part.

But you all are right in that it should not concern, affect, or involve anyone else other than the two of them. Next time, I will use my spine and mouth- and refuse to investigage.

I appreciate your second statement, but I'm confused by the first. 1) why? 2) to whom?

Well, if the problem is that one dislikes the look of/is phobic about tattoos, I suppose a visible one would be more annoying than one in a place not normally visible.

There are some religions with beliefs for/against tattoos so somebody having one might be an indication about their adherence to that religion.

[whiterose]

Why didn't the parents just ask the brother if it's so important to them?

I'm just really confused though - presumably they have met the girlfriend.  If they didn't see any tattoos, that's all they need to know.  I have five tattoos, none visible unless I am wearing a bikini (well, I have one on each wrist but they are white so essentially invisible unless you are trying to see them).  If my BF's parents "investigated" to find out that I have a tattoo on my hip, for example, I would be really creeped out.  Why on earth would they care?  And were the parents expecting whiterose to somehow get the girlfriend naked?

They had not met the girlfriend yet. None of us had- I was first one to meet her. Person who asked was wondering if my brother was hiding the fact that his GF had tattoos. So I was sent as a mole to check and ask discreetly.

[thedudeabides]

It was not my brother. He...would have known by then.

Then it was none of your business.

[thedudeabides]

Why didn't the parents just ask the brother if it's so important to them?

I'm just really confused though - presumably they have met the girlfriend.  If they didn't see any tattoos, that's all they need to know.  I have five tattoos, none visible unless I am wearing a bikini (well, I have one on each wrist but they are white so essentially invisible unless you are trying to see them).  If my BF's parents "investigated" to find out that I have a tattoo on my hip, for example, I would be really creeped out.  Why on earth would they care?  And were the parents expecting whiterose to somehow get the girlfriend naked?

They had not met the girlfriend yet. None of us had- I was first one to meet her. Person who asked was wondering if my brother was hiding the fact that his GF had tattoos. So I was sent as a mole to check and ask discreetly.

I'm sorry, what?  You were sent to spy on your brother's girlfriend?  If this is how your family operates on a routine basis, I hope he makes her aware of it so she can decide whether or not she wants to be under minute scrutiny about stuff that is absolutely none of the extended family's business.

[ilrag]

While I do agree with PP's that this is a little unusual, I can easily see how this may have come about in a non-creepy way. For example, say whiterose is chatting about the family with grandma, and they get on the subject of her brother's new girlfriend.

Grandma: "Well, remember that girl he dated before with all the tattoos? What'sherface? Does NewGirlfriend have any tattoos?"
Whiterose: "I don't know, Grandma."
Grandma: "Ask her and see. I just don't know what kids these days are thinking!"
Whiterose: "Okay, fine Grandma."

So, is it busybody? Yes. Is it none of Grandma's business? Yes. But not creepy, controlling, or all that unusual to be honest. It's the kind of low-level nosiness that it fairly common in families. People are curious about the SO's that are brought into a family and I think it's fairly normal for them to try and "suss" out the new person. Do they have tattoos, do they drink, do they smoke, where do they work, how old are they - technically none of these things are anyone's business, and yet it's normal to want to know them nonetheless, particularly the longer the couple has been together.

I super disagree. If my mom or grandma asked me if my husband had any tattoos that they couldn't see? I'd tell them the question was creepy.

I have a tattoo people can't see in clothes and some times when people ask me if I have a tattoo (like a coworker) I say no. If I wanted one everyone knew about I would have put it somewhere else.

[Tea Drinker]

I don't think there's a hard-and-fast rule here beyond "don't surprise someone the first time you take your clothes off in an intimate situation." (If you see a tattoo while someone is changing at the gym, or it shows during a medical exam, that's different.)

Fifteen years ago, I'd have said that maybe we tattooed people should disclose that we have tattoos early in dating. Now, it's enough more common that I wouldn't feel I was hiding something: on the other hand, I like my tattoos enough that I would mention them, and probably show them to someone, fairly early. (That's a hypothetical, I'm happily settled and not looking to date.) However, mine are all in places that I can show without scandalizing anyone who I would be likely to be dating: the most private location is my abdomen, and it's easy to lift a t-shirt without exposing my breasts.

[Arianoor]

So I actually do proactively tell (theoretical) potential partners that I am extensively tattooed. It is not something one would expect from seeing me, and my tattoos are strategically placed so that they can be covered by my clothing, since I am in a somewhat conservative academic field. A potential partner could easily have no idea that I am tattooed until we are intimate, and I don't want someone to find out about such a major aspect of my appearance at the crucial moment, if you KWIW.

I think the onus is usually on the person who doesn't like tattoos or body modifications to say something, but I also think that if someone is extensively tattooed and it's not obvious, it's smart of them to speak up and casually let the other person know. One small tattoo is one thing, an enormous piece is another.

This is what I have been thinking.  On the intimate piercings front, as well.  I wouldn't want to be getting intimate for the first time and suddenly come across metal where I was not expecting it!