Body Art Etiquette

[whiterose]

The "Show your tattoos" thread got me thinking about this.

What is the etiquette of revealing that you have tattoos and/or body piercings (or other body modifications done for aesthetic and not medical reasons). While some body art can easily be seen from far away (like nose rings or neck tattoos), others cannot.

Assume the tattoos/piercings are covered by regular business attire- do you need to state that you have them immediately?

How about if they are in parts of the body covered only by swimsuits?

Would it be lying by omission if you do not discuss or reveal them early on when the other person has stated from the very beginning that tattoos/piercings are a dealbreaker? If the other person states they are a turnoff- but not a dealbreaker, given everything else being fine?

If they are on parts of the body seen on a regular basis, should pics of them be displayed on dating profiles? How about if they are in parts of the body covered by business attire, but not by swimsuits, such as the upper back or calves? Is not displaying pics of them (such as a man with arm tattoos wearing only pics of himself with long sleeves) considered deceit?

[Yvaine]

If someone actively says that tattoos are a dealbreaker, then yes, you should tell them you have tattoos, so you're not wasting either your time or theirs anymore.

If it's just a turnoff, I'd say also tell them, though it may well turn out not to be a big deal in that case--a lot of times, we're "turned off" by an attribute in general but can get past it if we're really into the other person. Just like, for example, I am way into tall men but once fell stupid gaga lose-my-mind in love with a guy who's 5'2". I still notice the tall ones more when I'm walking down the street, but this particular short guy was hot as hades to me. In the same way, if your SO dislikes tattoos in general, he might still find yours cute individually, or he might just realize he doesn't really care one way or the other. Or it might be a dealbreaker. You never know.

No, you do not need to put them in your dating profile. I can only imagine the awkward photos that would result if everyone had to get all their ink into their profile pictures. "Here's a picture of my left calf!"

[Cosmasia]

"Assume the tattoos/piercings are covered by regular business attire- do you need to state that you have them immediately?"

No absolutely not. No one has the right to -demand- knowledge of how your body looks (modified or otherwise), especially not if they just met you.

"How about if they are in parts of the body covered only by swimsuits?"

Same as above.

"Would it be lying by omission if you do not discuss or reveal them early on when the other person has stated from the very beginning that tattoos/piercings are a dealbreaker?"

I'm not sure if it's lying by omission and I'm not sure that even matters. What matters in this scenario is the fact that you're (general you) stepping into a potential partnership, hiding a dealbreaker from your potential partner. That is mean and it's unproductive - it will create nothing good for either of you. Look at it like this: "Person A is childfree and says the desire to have children is a dealbreaker. Person B wants children but refuses to tell that to Person A." It's pretty obvious why that's a mean and destructive thing to do.

"If the other person states they are a turnoff- but not a dealbreaker, given everything else being fine?"

If it's not a dealbreaker to them then I'm not sure why it's an issue really. However I also don't understand why the person with the body art doesn't just.. say they have it? When the other person says it's a turn off..? I mean that seems like a natural way for that conversation to go. "Oh btw one of my turn offs is body art" - "Really? Well I have *so and so*, how do you feel about that?".

I think if people want to enter into relationships/continue trying to date people while hiding something that has specifically been mentioned as being a problem of some sort, then they should work on their personality some more. It's mean to open up to a relationship while hiding something the other person has directly said is a deal breaker.


No it's not deceit to not use pictures of your body art on dating sites, just as it's not deceit not to show photos of major scars, stretch marks, cellulite, private part piercings etc. It's something about your body the person CAN get to know (and decide if they accept or not) by going out with you - assuming you (general you) don't hide it from them if they mention a dislike for it.

[Yvaine]

No it's not deceit to not use pictures of your body art on dating sites, just as it's not deceit not to show photos of major scars, stretch marks, cellulite, private part piercings etc. It's something about your body the person CAN get to know (and decide if they accept or not) by going out with you - assuming you (general you) don't hide it from them if they mention a dislike for it.

This is a really good paragraph. Especially the "something they CAN get to know" thing. Nobody needs to put every part of themselves on display in their photograph (I'd say you're fine as long as it's fairly accurate and recent, i.e. not a photograph from when you were seventeen), just as you don't need to bare your whole soul in the written part of the profile. The profile is there to intrigue potential partners, but it's not a substitute for getting to actually know each other.

[Zilla]

I think the onus is on the person that doesn't like body mods to put it on their own profile their dislikes.  I don't think it would even occur to the other person to disclose it.

[Yvaine]

I think the onus is on the person that doesn't like body mods to put it on their own profile their dislikes.  I don't think it would even occur to the other person to disclose it.

Yup, either that or bring it up in conversation early in the dating process.

[Moray]

No it's not deceit to not use pictures of your body art on dating sites, just as it's not deceit not to show photos of major scars, stretch marks, cellulite, private part piercings etc. It's something about your body the person CAN get to know (and decide if they accept or not) by going out with you - assuming you (general you) don't hide it from them if they mention a dislike for it.

This is a really good paragraph. Especially the "something they CAN get to know" thing. Nobody needs to put every part of themselves on display in their photograph (I'd say you're fine as long as it's fairly accurate and recent, i.e. not a photograph from when you were seventeen), just as you don't need to bare your whole soul in the written part of the profile. The profile is there to intrigue potential partners, but it's not a substitute for getting to actually know each other.

Yes, this.

I think the onus is on the person that doesn't like body mods to put it on their own profile their dislikes.  I don't think it would even occur to the other person to disclose it.

And this. I've never, ever said "Oh, I have a tattoo, hope that's not a problem!", but to be honest, I've never met anyone who said "I was into you, but I see you're inked, so no thanks!"

[whiterose]

I think the onus is on the person that doesn't like body mods to put it on their own profile their dislikes.  I don't think it would even occur to the other person to disclose it.

And this. I've never, ever said "Oh, I have a tattoo, hope that's not a problem!", but to be honest, I've never met anyone who said "I was into you, but I see you're inked, so no thanks!"

What I am thinking is more regarding tattoos and piercings that are not easily visible upon meeting someone casually, such as a navel piercing or shoulder tattoo. They include tattoos/piercings in private parts, but are not limited to them. Not so much something like a hand tattoo or lip piercing that one can easily see and make a quick decision about.

[thedudeabides]

I think the onus is on the person that doesn't like body mods to put it on their own profile their dislikes.  I don't think it would even occur to the other person to disclose it.

And this. I've never, ever said "Oh, I have a tattoo, hope that's not a problem!", but to be honest, I've never met anyone who said "I was into you, but I see you're inked, so no thanks!"

What I am thinking is more regarding tattoos and piercings that are not easily visible upon meeting someone casually, such as a navel piercing or shoulder tattoo. They include tattoos/piercings in private parts, but are not limited to them. Not so much something like a hand tattoo or lip piercing that one can easily see and make a quick decision about.

I don't think someone with a tattoo that isn't immediately visible is required to state that up front.  I have one on my back; my girlfriend has a belly button ring and a tat that's only visible in a swim suit.  I certainly didn't expect her to tell me on the first date that she had any body art in places she wasn't willing to show me yet.

I agree that it's on the person who has an issue with body art to be up front about it.  Then the person with body art can decide whether to give them a shot or let it go.  Once someone has said that body art is a dealbreaker, though, the person with the art should be honest and either fess up or, if they don't know the other person well enough to feel comfortable being honest, bow out otherwise.

[Moray]

I think the onus is on the person that doesn't like body mods to put it on their own profile their dislikes.  I don't think it would even occur to the other person to disclose it.

And this. I've never, ever said "Oh, I have a tattoo, hope that's not a problem!", but to be honest, I've never met anyone who said "I was into you, but I see you're inked, so no thanks!"

What I am thinking is more regarding tattoos and piercings that are not easily visible upon meeting someone casually, such as a navel piercing or shoulder tattoo. They include tattoos/piercings in private parts, but are not limited to them. Not so much something like a hand tattoo or lip piercing that one can easily see and make a quick decision about.

Honestly, I was thinking the same thing. If I get close enough to someone that they've seen my more intimate tattoos, it's never, ever been a problem, even with those who aren't similarly tatted. By that time, they like me for me, and a piercing or tattoo doesn't change that.

"Close enough to notice is too close to care", KWIM?

[HorseFreak]

I think the onus is on the person that doesn't like body mods to put it on their own profile their dislikes.  I don't think it would even occur to the other person to disclose it.

And this. I've never, ever said "Oh, I have a tattoo, hope that's not a problem!", but to be honest, I've never met anyone who said "I was into you, but I see you're inked, so no thanks!"

What I am thinking is more regarding tattoos and piercings that are not easily visible upon meeting someone casually, such as a navel piercing or shoulder tattoo. They include tattoos/piercings in private parts, but are not limited to them. Not so much something like a hand tattoo or lip piercing that one can easily see and make a quick decision about.

I don't think it's any of my darn business what's on someone's body covered by typical clothing (shorts, t-shirt). If tattoos or piercings are that much of a deal-breaker then it should be stated up front by the person who has a problem with it. It isn't a particularly common deal-breaker unless they're racist or otherwise offensive in nature (and that's a whole other issue). 

Have you run into a situation where someone has had a hidden body mod that you didn't like? I only have my ears pierced once and no tattoos so I don't have a dog in this fight, I'm just curious why you're asking.

[O'Dell]

I don't think there is any responsibility to show them unless it's been a stated deal breaker or a strong bias against them. Even then, why not just give the person's profile a pass when you know you don't match it?

Your question about someone dressing to cover the tats being deceitful...the person's intent is that makes it deceitful. Say in photos on a dating site, there are certain kinds of tattoos that someone might want to cover up until the other person got to know them. Like if the person has gang and/or prison tattoos on them but they are on the straight and narrow now. Even then they aren't so much hiding that they have tattoos, they are just not disclosing details of their past. If they are still living the same lifestyle, then I'd consider it deceitful because they are hiding relevant information.

[Zilla]

I think the onus is on the person that doesn't like body mods to put it on their own profile their dislikes.  I don't think it would even occur to the other person to disclose it.

And this. I've never, ever said "Oh, I have a tattoo, hope that's not a problem!", but to be honest, I've never met anyone who said "I was into you, but I see you're inked, so no thanks!"

What I am thinking is more regarding tattoos and piercings that are not easily visible upon meeting someone casually, such as a navel piercing or shoulder tattoo. They include tattoos/piercings in private parts, but are not limited to them. Not so much something like a hand tattoo or lip piercing that one can easily see and make a quick decision about.

Again it's on the person who doesn't like them to disclose that dislike.


It's like what if I had scarring all along my back from a childhood incident which isn't visible when clothed. Does that have to be disclosed?  Or a man with a hairy back?  Etc.


It gets too much.  Simply be clear on your dislikes from the beginning.

[thedudeabides]

Body art is becoming much more mainstream.  In a lot of circles, a person with modifications might not even think to mention anything not visible because it just isn't a big deal among their friends.  That doesn't mean that they're out to deceive someone if they don't say, "Oh, yeah, I have a tat up here on my shoulder and one on my left buttcheek," if they haven't been told it's an issue for the other person.

[LadyClaire]

I have a tattoo and a navel ring. Obviously it's not an issue with my husband, as he also has a tattoo, but I did date someone who had major issues with body mods. The funny thing is he knew I had both, before we started dating, yet chose to be with me anyways. He then kept trying to make me promise I'd never get another one (including pierced ears), and refused to speak to me for two days when I went with my sister to get her tongue pierced because "tattoos and piercings are barbaric and if you're associating yourself with someone who is doing that to themselves, you're just as bad as they are".

Uh..she's my SISTER. Plus, I already had my tattoo and my navel ring done before he ever came into the picture, and he knew about them early on, so don't pull the "you're just as bad" card on me.