Body Art Etiquette

[WillyNilly]

I have tattoos that can very easily be covered with clothes.  Generally I don't purposely hide them, but certainly there are people who have known me for years before they notice I have them.

I have never found it necessary to purposely disclose I have them, not in person not on my Match.com account when I dated. I've never met a guy who minded them.  Some didn't care when they saw them, some thought they were nice.

[LifeOnPluto]

In general, no. Unless the other person has specifically stated that body art is a deal-breaker, or they would otherwise prefer to date someone without body art.

However, if you have a tattoo that most rational people would deem offensive, I think it's best to disclose it.

[Frostblooded]

For me, tattoos -- unless done by a specific few cultural methods, are a deal breaker and I find them hideous. The same can be said about modifications. The onus is on me to put it in my profile that this is the case. Kind of like disclosing smoking as one, you know? I agree with someone who said earlier I can't expect to know about something on a part of the body that they aren't willing to show to me yet!

[kareng57]

I think the onus is on the person that doesn't like body mods to put it on their own profile their dislikes.  I don't think it would even occur to the other person to disclose it.

And this. I've never, ever said "Oh, I have a tattoo, hope that's not a problem!", but to be honest, I've never met anyone who said "I was into you, but I see you're inked, so no thanks!"

What I am thinking is more regarding tattoos and piercings that are not easily visible upon meeting someone casually, such as a navel piercing or shoulder tattoo. They include tattoos/piercings in private parts, but are not limited to them. Not so much something like a hand tattoo or lip piercing that one can easily see and make a quick decision about.

I would, quite frankly, figure it incredible that a person must voluntarily disclose hidden tattoos/piercings before even a first date.

However, whiterose, we do understand, from prior posts,  that you have very high standards before meeting anyone for a first date.  Of course that's your privilege, but that also means that you owe it to future dates to state your body-art standards upfront, before either of you wastes any more time.

[veryfluffy]

If someone does find modifications a deal-breaker, it may not be something they would be aware enough to think of stating outright, because it's not at the forefront of consciousness.

I am someone who is totally grossed by body piercings and facial piercings. Tattoos don't bother me so much, although extensive tattoos even on arms and shoulders are a bit of a turn-off. Particularly once you get to middle age and they are 20 or 30 year old tattoos that have gone all fuzzy and smudgy.

So if I met someone with obvious or extensive modifications I would probably not be interested anyway. But then if they were outwardly unadorned, ie if they only had things that were covered up by normal clothes and gave no indication that they had anything that was underwraps, it wouldn't occur to me to ask or to state outright that piercings etc were a deal-breaker.

[whiterose]

That is what I needed to know- whether the onus was on the person who had them, or the person who was turned off by them. Since body art has become much more common and mainstream, I was wondering what was the etiquette regarding it.

Personally, I only have ear piercings. I despise tattoos and body piercings very much. Neither one is a dealbreaker for me...as long as they are not in body parts easily seen while wearing business attire. Easily visible ones look unprofessional to me- but that is another story, and a can of worms I do not wish to open.

I was asked to check whether my brother's girlfriend had any tattoos, though. She did not...but I am not THAT judgmental that I would automatically dislike her and think she is a bad match for my brother if she did have a tattoo/unusual piercing. That, and he is a very conservative person who dislikes both as much as I do.

[Winterlight]

In general, no. Unless the other person has specifically stated that body art is a deal-breaker, or they would otherwise prefer to date someone without body art.

However, if you have a tattoo that most rational people would deem offensive, I think it's best to disclose it.

This.

I was asked to check whether my brother's girlfriend had any tattoos, though.

Wait, what? Who was asking you to check?

[WillyNilly]

I was asked to check whether my brother's girlfriend had any tattoos, though. She did not...but I am not THAT judgmental that I would automatically dislike her and think she is a bad match for my brother if she did have a tattoo/unusual piercing. That, and he is a very conservative person who dislikes both as much as I do.

Your brother might conservative but he's not a very good dating partner if he's sending his sister to do his dirty work.

In the future I would suggest you answer such requests with a "that won't be possible."  If your brother is man enough to date, he's man enough to have a conversation about body art.  Tattoos are very mainstream and it shouldn't be hard to find an opening.

[Sharnita]

I think some of it depends on how the person with the art feels about it. I am not a big fan of tattoos.  If I met a man who was covered in them it would probably be a dealbreaker.  If I met a man who had one and felt that was enough, ir would not be a deal breaker.  If I met somebody who was planning mutiple tattoos in the future I would probably see that as a deal breaker.

[SleepyKitty]

I think some of it depends on how the person with the art feels about it. I am not a big fan of tattoos.  If I met a man who was covered in them it would probably be a dealbreaker.  If I met a man who had one and felt that was enough, ir would not be a deal breaker.  If I met somebody who was planning mutiple tattoos in the future I would probably see that as a deal breaker.

I've been very interested in this thread because of my situation. I have extensive tattooing - over 25 hours worth - but it's all on my back and upper thighs. I mean, this is not just a tattoo, but it significantly and drastically alters the look of my body. I also dress fairly conservatively, with minimal make-up, business casual clothes, little to no jewelry. I do not look alternative at all. It would be very easy for someone with conservative tastes, who may not prefer tattoos, to see me as someone who would be unmodified.

So I actually do proactively tell (theoretical) potential partners that I am extensively tattooed. It is not something one would expect from seeing me, and my tattoos are strategically placed so that they can be covered by my clothing, since I am in a somewhat conservative academic field. A potential partner could easily have no idea that I am tattooed until we are intimate, and I don't want someone to find out about such a major aspect of my appearance at the crucial moment, if you KWIW.

I think the onus is usually on the person who doesn't like tattoos or body modifications to say something, but I also think that if someone is extensively tattooed and it's not obvious, it's smart of them to speak up and casually let the other person know. One small tattoo is one thing, an enormous piece is another.

[Moray]

That is what I needed to know- whether the onus was on the person who had them, or the person who was turned off by them. Since body art has become much more common and mainstream, I was wondering what was the etiquette regarding it.

Personally, I only have ear piercings. I despise tattoos and body piercings very much. Neither one is a dealbreaker for me...as long as they are not in body parts easily seen while wearing business attire. Easily visible ones look unprofessional to me- but that is another story, and a can of worms I do not wish to open.

I was asked to check whether my brother's girlfriend had any tattoos, though. She did not...but I am not THAT judgmental that I would automatically dislike her and think she is a bad match for my brother if she did have a tattoo/unusual piercing. That, and he is a very conservative person who dislikes both as much as I do.

Who asked you to check? Your brother? If I were the girlfriend, I would be completely weirded out by that.

[Judah]

That is what I needed to know- whether the onus was on the person who had them, or the person who was turned off by them. Since body art has become much more common and mainstream, I was wondering what was the etiquette regarding it.

Personally, I only have ear piercings. I despise tattoos and body piercings very much. Neither one is a dealbreaker for me...as long as they are not in body parts easily seen while wearing business attire. Easily visible ones look unprofessional to me- but that is another story, and a can of worms I do not wish to open.

I was asked to check whether my brother's girlfriend had any tattoos, though. She did not...but I am not THAT judgmental that I would automatically dislike her and think she is a bad match for my brother if she did have a tattoo/unusual piercing. That, and he is a very conservative person who dislikes both as much as I do.

Who asked you to check? Your brother? If I were the girlfriend, I would be completely weirded out by that.

I'd be more than weirded out. To me, this is a major relationship red flag.  Guy has an important question that needs answering, but instead of asking me directly, he get a third party to sneak around and try to figure it out? 

To the original question, I don't like tattoos and would find them a major turn off, but I tend to agree with Sharnita.

I think some of it depends on how the person with the art feels about it. I am not a big fan of tattoos.  If I met a man who was covered in them it would probably be a dealbreaker.  If I met a man who had one and felt that was enough, ir would not be a deal breaker.  If I met somebody who was planning mutiple tattoos in the future I would probably see that as a deal breaker.

[whiterose]

It was not my brother. He...would have known by then.

[WillyNilly]

It was not my brother. He...would have known by then.

Any tattoo that is hidden from view is no one's business except those that the tattooie makes it.  So if for example it was your parents trying to find out from you if the girlfriend had tattoos, your parents were WAY out of line to ask you to find out and report back.

[Moray]

It was not my brother. He...would have known by then.

I'm sorry, this makes no sense. Who else would possibly want to know something that's a "relationship dealbreaker" other than the person in the relationship?

No 3rd party should ever be privy to, let alone feel entitled to, that sort of information. Ever.