How to back out of a blind date without being rude

[Starr]

Hello, everyone.  It's my first time posting a topic here, but I'm in a tight spot and not sure what to do.  Sorry this is a bit long.

I have a former co-worker (I'll call her Emily).  Emily and I worked together at a job at college for two years, and though we both graduated in May we kept in touch via Facebook.  We aren't super-close friends: we've only been out together once, though we saw each other at school daily, had classes together, and chatted/hung out in our office break room.

Emily messaged me a couple weeks ago asking if I would be interested in going on a blind date with her husband's co-worker (let's call him Brian).  I was out of town when she messaged me, so did not get back to her immediately.

Last week she messaged again, stating that she was okay if I didn't want to go out with Brian, but just let her know soon either way.  I told her that I would go out with Brian and we discussed what dates I was free.

Emily messaged me again last night with the date and restaurant Brian suggested.  However, I'm having *major* second thoughts.  I'm a socially anxious and awkward person.  I was under the impression that Emily and her husband would be coming with us, but apparently that's not the case.  Reading back through Emily's messages, I realize that this is totally my fault: she didn't mention her husband, I just assumed it would be a double-date because she had once offered to have me and Brian come over to her apartment for a movie night with her and her husband.

Bottom line: This is making me overly anxious, I don't want to go, but I feel trapped because I already told Emily I would, and she already told Brian.  I also don't feel comfortable going out alone, both because I don't know this man, he's apparently a couple years older than me, and no one I know will be with us.  How do I message Emily back and cancel the date without being rude?  Or is it rude to cancel and do I have to go anyway?

I would contact Brian directly, but I don't have his phone number, e-mail, or even his last name to find him on Facebook.  We haven't finalized plans yet, so I feel like I still could cancel, but I need to do it immediately so Brian isn't too put out/upset.  Help, please!

[NyaChan]

I would contact Emily immediately, don't put it off.  "Emily,  I thought more about it and honestly, I am simply not comfortable with going on a blind date right now.  I am sorry for not realizing this earlier and I hope you will extend my apologies to Brian."

[Mikayla]

To be honest, I think it's really uncool to just cancel with a vague sounding excuse.  If you truly dread the thought of doing this, can you explain you had thought it was the 4 of you getting together when you accepted?  And then tell her you're really more comfortable going on a blind date when it's a double date? 

If someone handled it that way and I was your friend, I wouldn't bat an eye.  If it got cancelled altogether, I'd probably be mildly annoyed, at least.

[Starr]

The suggestion to ask if it could be a double date sounds good.  Do you think it would be acceptable to say, "Emily, is there any way we could make this a double date with you and Anthony [her husband]?  After thinking about this some more, I don't feel comfortable with meeting Brian alone.  I know Anthony knows him through work, and I'm sure he's a great guy, but I've never met him and think it would be safer to go out with other people there.  If you all aren't free for next week [the date Brian suggested], maybe we could postpone the date until the four of us could get together some other time."

I think the hangup for me is that I've never met this man (as I said, I don't even know his last name).  I'm not against meeting him and getting to know him, but his suggestion to meet at a restaurant alone is making me uncomfortable and anxious.  Do you think this message would be rude to Emily and/or Brian?  I don't want to offend him and imply I think he has nefarious intentions, but I think it's better to be safe than sorry.

Edited to add: I also haven't seen Emily since graduation, so I could add that a double date would give us an opportunity to catch up as well.

[hobish]

The suggestion to ask if it could be a double date sounds good.  Do you think it would be acceptable to say, "Emily, is there any way we could make this a double date with you and Anthony [her husband]?  After thinking about this some more, I don't feel comfortable with meeting Brian alone.  I know Anthony knows him through work, and I'm sure he's a great guy, but I've never met him and think it would be safer to go out with other people there.  If you all aren't free for next week [the date Brian suggested], maybe we could postpone the date until the four of us could get together some other time."

I think the hangup for me is that I've never met this man (as I said, I don't even know his last name).  I'm not against meeting him and getting to know him, but his suggestion to meet at a restaurant alone is making me uncomfortable and anxious.  Do you think this message would be rude to Emily and/or Brian?  I don't want to offend him and imply I think he has nefarious intentions, but I think it's better to be safe than sorry.

Edited to add: I also haven't seen Emily since graduation, so I could add that a double date would give us an opportunity to catch up as well.

That sounds perfect - and smart - to me. I wouldn't want to meet someone's coworker i didn't know at all for a blind date, either. Long-time friend that they could really and truly vouch for, sure; but coworker not so much. I like your idea there.

ETA: Welcome to EHell

[cicero]

The suggestion to ask if it could be a double date sounds good.  Do you think it would be acceptable to say, "Emily, is there any way we could make this a double date with you and Anthony [her husband]?  After thinking about this some more, I don't feel comfortable with meeting Brian alone.  I know Anthony knows him through work, and I'm sure he's a great guy, but I've never met him and think it would be safer to go out with other people there.  If you all aren't free for next week [the date Brian suggested], maybe we could postpone the date until the four of us could get together some other time."

I think the hangup for me is that I've never met this man (as I said, I don't even know his last name).  I'm not against meeting him and getting to know him, but his suggestion to meet at a restaurant alone is making me uncomfortable and anxious.  Do you think this message would be rude to Emily and/or Brian?  I don't want to offend him and imply I think he has nefarious intentions, but I think it's better to be safe than sorry.

Edited to add: I also haven't seen Emily since graduation, so I could add that a double date would give us an opportunity to catch up as well.

isnt' that how blind dates usually go? you meet at some public place, spend some time together, and see how the evening flows.

i actually *don't* think it would be right to ask about a double date now, after you already agreed to go out with the guy (and i understand that *you* thought it was a double date and that is what you thought you were agreeing to - but as far as brian knows, it will appear to be a bait-and-switch). and if this wll be a good time for you and emily to "catch up" , well, that doesn't exactly sound like it will be fun for brian...

I would contact your friend and ask for a little more information about the guy (which you should do anyway) - phone number, name etc. and who knows? you may actually have a good time.

[wallaby]

I think you are fine to ask for the double date. The only thing is I probably edit a bit as follows:

"Emily, is there any way we could make this a double date with you and Anthony [her husband]?  After thinking about this some more, I don't feel comfortable with meeting Brian alone.  I know Anthony knows him through work, and I'm sure he's a great guy, but I've never met him and think it would be safer to go out with other people there. If you all aren't free for next week [the date Brian suggested], maybe we could postpone the date until the four of us could get together some other time."

I would also emphasize wanting to catch up with her as you suggested.

[Allyson]

I'd emphasize being worried about the awkwardness rather than a safety concern--meeting alone at a restaurant for a blind date seems normal/fine to me from a safety perspective, but really uncomfortable socially. You could say you're not the best at meeting strangers one on one, and think having two other people there would help you relax and for Brian to see the 'real' you.

[Starr]

I think y'all are absolutely right that blind dates usually are at a restaurant alone - however, Anthony doesn't know Brian all that well.  I know for a fact he started at this job only a year or so ago.  If this were, say, his brother or best friend from college, I would feel differently, but as it's someone Anthony has know a relatively short time I don't feel comfortable meeting him alone.

I messaged Emily with some of the wording used above.  I'll try and let everyone know how it turns out.  Thanks for the help!

[MacadamiaNut]

I'm not so sure that Brian would want to conduct a first date in front of a co-worker (a co-worker that he does not know very well, to boot) and his co-worker's wife.

If I went on a first date and my date brought along another couple, I'd be a little put off by that.  What you are proposing sounds even more awkward than meeting someone alone.  That's just me though.  Maybe Brian would be open to it.  I guess I'm just saying don't automatically expect him to be okay with it.  It could go either way.

Good luck!

[katycoo]

I think its ok to ask for a double date but instead of focussing on safety (which could be offensive to Anthony) I'd just say you're nervous about a blind date, and if it goes well, you and Anthony might go for coffee together afterwards or arrange a priavte second date.

I'd possibly even even Brian directly to explain.  I wouldn't be put off by such an explanation.

[hobish]

How did it go?

[rashea]

I think a better option would be for you to ask for Brian's contact information, and say you'd like to get to know him a bit before you meet. Then you email a few times, maybe talk on the phone a bit, and if it's working, maybe try meeting for coffee. I get that you're anxious, but a double date seems like a really awkward first date. A better option for Emily would be to host a dinner party with a few eligible people and play hostess.

[bah12]

I realize this is coming too late for you to act on it, but I think being honest is the best thing.

I would have told Emily that I was under the impression it was a double date when she asked and that I am uncomfortable going out with a man I have never met alone.  I would tell Brian the same thing (if you've actually talked to him).  And maybe Emily can arrange for you to meet Brian as a double date if she knows that's a requirement for you.

Also, if you haven't talked to Brian, I would suggest that you have at least one phone conversation before you go out anyway.  It just gives you something to go off...something a little more than nothing.

Please let us know who everything went.

[Starr]

Emily messaged me back.  Brian was okay with the idea of going out together and we all made plans for this weekend.  I'm not sure how the day will go, but am grateful for all the advice.

I certainly learned how to better handle the situation next time.  Next time a friend tries to play matchmaker, I think I'll thank her and ask for the potential date's contact information so we can handle things directly and chat a few times to get to know one another and see if we have some chemistry.