Author Topic: How to handle a guest that doesn't seem to want to be there?  (Read 8310 times)

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NyaChan

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Re: How to handle a guest that doesn't seem to want to be there?
« Reply #15 on: August 13, 2012, 04:22:31 PM »
Thank you, reading your responses is actually reminding me that this is similar to how coming back from study abroad felt, though we had re-entry counseling to prepare us while I don't think Shazie had anything of the sort.  As far as becoming a snob, well to be perfectly honest, she kind of was snobbish before she even left and one of her sticking points now is that she didn't have to lift a finger in China as the "help" would get upset if she even tried, so Iris, you may have something there. 

I discussed it with my mom and she seemed to get that to a certain extent, Shazie's feelings are to be expected after such a big change even if the resulting behavior is unfortunate.  We are in the middle of Ramadan right now so big parties and gatherings are the norm, but I think once things settle down, like you guys said, smaller gatherings, or one-on-one get togethers are the way to go. 

If anyone is wondering why our families are friends (I know I do tend to wonder that in other people's threads haha) - she and her husband can be really fun people.  They rock the party games, cards, and could be the life of the picnic back in the day  :)  They were also part of a tight knit group of people along with my parents who worked for years to found a new masjid in our town, so we have enough history that it is worth being patient for this current storm to pass.

Roe

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Re: How to handle a guest that doesn't seem to want to be there?
« Reply #16 on: August 13, 2012, 05:22:02 PM »
I wouldn't write her off completely but I would stop inviting her to your home for a few months.  Not to give her time to adjust or anything but because she was horribly rude to your mother!!!

gramma dishes

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Re: How to handle a guest that doesn't seem to want to be there?
« Reply #17 on: August 13, 2012, 05:24:46 PM »
I wouldn't write her off completely but I would stop inviting her to your home for a few months.  Not to give her time to adjust or anything but because she was horribly rude to your mother!!!  ...   and to the other guests as well!

MacadamiaNut

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Re: How to handle a guest that doesn't seem to want to be there?
« Reply #18 on: August 13, 2012, 05:31:43 PM »
I wouldn't write her off completely but I would stop inviting her to your home for a few months.  Not to give her time to adjust or anything but because she was horribly rude to your mother!!!  ...   and to the other guests as well!

Agreed.  You don't go to someone's house, for a party no less, and behave as though you expect to have "alone time".  If you want alone time, stay home.  At least if she doesn't come over for a while, you can help her (simply by her non-presence) to not appear so rude to the hosts and as gramma dishes said, to your guests too!
« Last Edit: August 13, 2012, 05:33:55 PM by MacadamiaNut »
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Tierrainney

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Re: How to handle a guest that doesn't seem to want to be there?
« Reply #19 on: August 13, 2012, 11:31:08 PM »
Reading about Shazie reminded me of Main Street by Sinclair Lewis, as the main character was frustrated moving to a small town.

Some people like small town living and like that nothing ever changes. Other people are frustrated by it. Hopefully Shazie will adjust and return to being a fun person to be around. EIther that or she will continue to complain, make other people miserable and eventually, will stop getting invitations.
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secretrebel

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Re: How to handle a guest that doesn't seem to want to be there?
« Reply #20 on: August 16, 2012, 07:58:28 AM »
During that conversation, just as my mom had told me, she started bashing our town and the people here that don't realize just how limited their lives are and how she can't believe that the same people are still here. 

Is it possible she's been the victim of prejudiced parochial comments from the townsfolk that have made her not want to socialise with them?

bopper

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Re: How to handle a guest that doesn't seem to want to be there?
« Reply #21 on: August 21, 2012, 05:36:10 PM »
Not only what other posters have mentioned but sometimes living in another country can put you in the spotlight there. I lived in Germany and amongst some people I felt like a mini-rockstar. Like it is cool to have an American friend. Then you move back home and you are just one of many.

Also like you said, if she had hired help and now she has to do everything herself, she may not be pleased.

Shoo

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Re: How to handle a guest that doesn't seem to want to be there?
« Reply #22 on: August 21, 2012, 05:37:42 PM »
During that conversation, just as my mom had told me, she started bashing our town and the people here that don't realize just how limited their lives are and how she can't believe that the same people are still here. 

Is it possible she's been the victim of prejudiced parochial comments from the townsfolk that have made her not want to socialise with them?

It sounds to me like she's simply become a snob.  A rude one, at that.

Moray

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Re: How to handle a guest that doesn't seem to want to be there?
« Reply #23 on: August 21, 2012, 05:47:38 PM »
During that conversation, just as my mom had told me, she started bashing our town and the people here that don't realize just how limited their lives are and how she can't believe that the same people are still here. 

Is it possible she's been the victim of prejudiced parochial comments from the townsfolk that have made her not want to socialise with them?

That's kind of a leap, isn't it?
Utah

NotTheNarcissist

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Re: How to handle a guest that doesn't seem to want to be there?
« Reply #24 on: August 21, 2012, 05:49:03 PM »
You can only do so much as hostess. The hostess can't force anyone to participate in a meaningful conversation.

I have a person in my life who would not stop going on about how amazing Alaska is when they moved back to the lower 48. It took about 5 years for the Alaska stories & comparisons of Dullsville to Alaska to stop or at least slow down to once a quarter.

Now I have a new person in my life who recently moved here from Japan & am going thru same situation with her.

Winterlight

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Re: How to handle a guest that doesn't seem to want to be there?
« Reply #25 on: August 21, 2012, 11:53:29 PM »
I wouldn't write her off completely but I would stop inviting her to your home for a few months.  Not to give her time to adjust or anything but because she was horribly rude to your mother!!!  ...   and to the other guests as well!

Thirded. She may be having adjustment problems, but sulking and whining are not going to get me to cut her any slack. Be polite or stay home.
If wisdom’s ways you wisely seek,
Five things observe with care,
To whom you speak,
Of whom you speak,
And how, and when, and where.
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hobish

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Re: How to handle a guest that doesn't seem to want to be there?
« Reply #26 on: August 22, 2012, 05:55:30 PM »
I kind of understand Shazie . It's a culture shock of sorts when you return home to Small Town after living overseas .

I experience the same thing whenever I return to Small Town for vacation . It's actually depressing at times to see that the people you were so close to are stuck in the same rut they were in during high school ( we are all in our 50s now ). 

It takes a concerted effort to realize that it's their chosen life and they are happy with it . You are not a better person because you chose to live abroad . They are not lesser people because they didn't . However , the gap is still there .

I would cut Shazie a little slack for a short time . Yeah , she was rude but if the family has just returned to Hometown to live , she may be picturing a boring future after China . Add to the fact that , while abroad , her family was most likely somewhat isolated as foreigners . I have also experienced discomfort in large groups of people that I previously had no problem with .

I would not , however , cut her any slack on the bashing . Tell her straight :

 " Shazie , not everyone has the means, opportunity or desire to live abroad . This does not make them lesser people and it is unfair of you to label them that way . What if the hometown folks labeled you as stuck up or " thinks she's too good for our little town ? How would you feel if you had a friend who went to live abroad , then came back and labeled YOU as ignorant ? "

She will need some help re-integrating herself into her old life . If she doesn't re-adjust her thinking , she will just become more isloated and find that most of her former friends will be thinking " Well if that's the way you feel , go back to China then ."   

Yes, if you choose to think of your friends who stayed in or even near their hometown as being in the same rut and how sad that is they will want you to go back to whence you came. I have a friend who moved out to the Midwest ... not anywhere exotic or special, the American Midwest for cripes' sake and when she comes back "home" acts as if we are all poor uncultured souls. I do not plan on seeing her again.

ETA: Not insinuating that you, chibichan, treat your friends badly. My "friend" just left to go back to The Great Midwest Where Everyone Is Nice and Yada Yada Yada. I am still slightly stirred with the urge to wring her neck  :P especially since she has always been one of the most abrasive people i know. It used to be amusing.


« Last Edit: August 22, 2012, 06:42:25 PM by hobish »
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Pippen

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Re: How to handle a guest that doesn't seem to want to be there?
« Reply #27 on: August 22, 2012, 06:37:22 PM »
I would put it down to re-entry culture shock as other have also noted. It is no excuse for her behaviour but it does follow a fairly predicatble pattern.

First week or so they are dlighted o be home and to see friends and family again. They are normally full of anecdotes about their experience and want to share them with people. others don't really have the context for their experiences and the person can perceive this as either lack of interest or think the others are living dull limited lives.

The second stage is when they start seeing all the negative things about being home. Everything seems backwards and boring and they miss their exciting other life. Their friends overseas are more interesting and fun. The food is better. Entertainment and shopping are better etc. They feel they are missing out and can get resentful which is the stage she is at at the moment. This can go on for weeks, if not months and they can get pretty vocal about it.

Finally they get used to the idea they will not be going back and become engaged in their new life rather than pining for the old one.

She may be behaving like a moo at the moment but she will come around. You just need to give her time. Everyone goes through this and it is hard but totally normal.


secretrebel

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Re: How to handle a guest that doesn't seem to want to be there?
« Reply #28 on: August 24, 2012, 08:23:15 AM »
During that conversation, just as my mom had told me, she started bashing our town and the people here that don't realize just how limited their lives are and how she can't believe that the same people are still here. 

Is it possible she's been the victim of prejudiced parochial comments from the townsfolk that have made her not want to socialise with them?

That's kind of a leap, isn't it?

I got there by thinking that there is something that has given her a negative impression of the townspeople. Maybe she is a snob as others have concluded or maybe there is something about this small town that makes her uncomfortable.

In my experience while small town people can often be extremely friendly and open and charming - it's also possible for them to be less familiar with other cultures than people from a large urban metropolis. And a lot of people, while well meaning, can make a new immigrant feel very uncomfortable with ignorant comments and questions about their background.

Maybe it's a leap of logic to you but it parsed pretty naturally for me!

NyaChan

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Re: How to handle a guest that doesn't seem to want to be there?
« Reply #29 on: August 24, 2012, 11:30:08 AM »
secretrebel - she isn't a new immigrant and there have been a lot of people with our ethnic backgrounds in this city for years now, though surrounding areas (which we don't really go to) are far more homogenous and can have "issues" with people who look different.  Our main industries are large hospitals and a very large engineering company so the town attracts large numbers of our ethnicity in the form of doctors and engineers.  I know that is a generalization usually, but in our community, that is literally true - all the founding members were doctors/engineers and the families that move here do it because they've gotten jobs at the hospital or with the engineering company.  It is really only their children, like me  :), who have now spread out to new professions. 

I won't say that the city is utopia of tolerance and love for our fellow humans, but for the most part they are open-hearted and friendly.  It is extremely rare to see an open instance of hostility, though I won't say it has never happened (it has :().  If something had happened to her in particular though, you can bet we would have heard about it.