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Author Topic: How to handle a guest that doesn't seem to want to be there?  (Read 19276 times)

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Re: How to handle a guest that doesn't seem to want to be there?
« Reply #30 on: August 24, 2012, 11:04:11 AM »
Fingers crossed that Shazie gets over this and back to normal. In the meantime, when she starts bashing your town and the people, can you ask her if she really means to insult your town and/or people like that to you. What I'd really be tempted to say in a situation like that is "So in China can you get away with insulting the town you live in and the people who live there? Or is it rude there too?" I guess that would be rude. :P

The other thing you could do if you are more inclined to help her out of this mindset is to reframe the things she says. So empathize with her a little bit as that tends to defuse rants but at the same time reframe it as culture shock or "homesickness" for China or whatever you think the problem is. Something like "Yeah sometimes it's hard to relate to people that haven't had the same experiences we've had, haven't traveled to the places we have or seen the same things". Or "I imagine it's been quite a readjustment coming back home." Almost assume that this is all because she's having trouble adjusting and sympathize with her while responding to the actual core problem.

I suspect I'm not getting this across well. This is something I'd blurt out in the moment so not sure of wording.  :-\
Do I contradict myself? Very well, then I contradict myself, I am large, I contain multitudes.
Walt Whitman


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Re: How to handle a guest that doesn't seem to want to be there?
« Reply #31 on: August 26, 2012, 01:08:38 AM »
To answer the topic question, I'd simply leave them be. If you've checked on them, and they seem happy to hang out in a separate room, I wouldn't force the issue.

That said, another option might be to "bring the party to Shazie". You could encourage everyone else to move out to the porch and join her, etc! (Of course, Shazie might simply then move to a different room again).


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Re: How to handle a guest that doesn't seem to want to be there?
« Reply #32 on: August 26, 2012, 07:54:05 AM »
Are you sure she wasn't a little bit like this even before she left?  Sometimes we have friends that are good in some ways that we really appreciate, like maybe fun or supportive, so we ignore the bad traits, in this case a tendency to be petulant.  Because that really sounds like the best word to describe her.  Who goes to a party and then pointedly goes off by themselves?  She was either pressured to be there, and she wanted everyone to notice. 

I would ask her why she felt the need to be a party pooper and tell her how hurt and insulted I was. 


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Re: How to handle a guest that doesn't seem to want to be there?
« Reply #33 on: August 28, 2012, 05:14:50 PM »
I think people are being a bit generous to Shazie.  Sure, it's fine to prefer one culture or lifestyle over another, and it's even fine for her to discuss how the adjustment to small town life is hard for her.  Heck, she can say she prefers China.

But it sounds like she's using cultural bias to indirectly attack everyone who stayed in that town and who enjoys life there.   I don't understand why she'd need to be pampered, or helped through this, as she bites the hand that feeds her.

I'd stop socializing with her, since I can get feisty when people think my happiness is based on ignorance. 

And Nya Chan, I think you and your mom were perfect hostesses. 


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Re: How to handle a guest that doesn't seem to want to be there?
« Reply #34 on: September 06, 2012, 12:10:17 PM »
OP, how annoying and rude for you and your mother. You guys did nothing wrong and if I could go back and do anyting differently in your place, it would be to do nothing to include her in the fun once you got past sitting and chatting with her and she STILL refused to get past her snit.

I had a friend that would go on and on about California (we were living in North Carolina at the time). Everything, everyone and everyplace was just so much more sparkly, glittery and awesome in Cali (where she was from). I finally asked her when she was planning on moving back since she loved it so much. She was young enough, and unattached/not dating, so it could've been a possibility for her to do more easily than if she was married with children. In other words, it came across as an innocent question (which it only half was in all honesty). She finally toned it down about California - at least around me.

I think giving her time to get re-acclimated is fine. Then, in a kind tone - if she's still being a pill, ask if she's made any plans to go back overseas since it made her so happy.

Although, personally, I think a well-traveled person should use their experience of having been exposed to multiple cultures to make themselves MORE tolerant to be around. A well-traveled person knows firsthand that there are different ways of doing things and that 'different' doesn't mean 'wrong'. In my experience they're more open to different viewpoints and less set in their ways.

I would encourage your friend to do more traveling so she can quit sounding like such an uppity little pill.