Need advice on how to handle Mom on Facebook.

[greencat]

Find a reliable pet sitter.  Use them yourself and give your mother their number, and tell her that you will not be available to sit for her anymore.  If she even implies that this means your old cat will not be fed, then pull the cat out of your mother's house and find it a new home.

As far as the guilt tripping, end the conversation after you tell her no - tell her you won't be doing it and won't be discussing it any further.  Stop responding to electronic communications on the same subject and end phone calls. 

Etiquette Hell is like fertilizer for a good stiff polite spine

[Nuala]

I've tried telling her that she needs to ask instead of demand when it comes to things that effect my schedule, but it never works.  The second I try, "I'm afraid that won't be possible," she breaks out her world-class guilt tripping skills.  I end up always giving in because the alternative is too terrifying.

What is the alternative and why is it terrifying?

[Minmom3]

That the cats won't be taken care of, and/or Mom will do something spiteful to the the OP's cat?  That's what I get a hint of in her post.

[lurkerwisp]

What is the alternative and why is it terrifying?

She's a world-class guilt tripper.  She's been taught by the best in the business.  My grandmother, her MIL, is the most horrible insane evil vile person you can imagine.  She is the Adolf Hitler of grandmothers.  I don't think there's a family member left that she hasn't completely burned with her hate-by-phone slash and burn tactics, but out of understanding that she'd be dead without family intervention on her behalf for her medical issues and mental disorders we stick it out.

This means repeated phone calls, hour long rants by voice mail, strongly worded emails that make full use of her degree in English lit, excessive text messages to my phone which does not have a texting plan and as such gets expensive quickly, demands that I return everything she ever gave me, telling EvilGrandma about my supposed sins so as to generate the nuclear bomb of all verbal attacks with bonus fraudulent calls to the police, or the worst possible thing she has over my head - taking away my car. 

My Dad got a car for me a long time ago, when I was still in high school, but my name isn't on the legal documents, so I don't actually own it.  I drive the car and I insure it, but it's not really mine.  I'd post more details about this but basically, the important thing is that she does have some really hefty leverage that makes it impossible for me to just completely ignore her.  For reasons that basically boil down to procrastination, the plan for Dad to get the car into my name just hasn't happened yet.  I have a fairly good relationship with Dad, but in the last few years he's had just had so much going wrong for him that I just don't pester him about the car.  My parents are still together, they just never have gotten involved in each others' arguments with us kids, so I can't assume Dad will intervene in an argument I have with Mom.

I'm not actually worried she'd do something to my cat.  Dad wouldn't let it happen since he likes blubberpuss too much.

[greencat]

Start taking steps to separate yourself from your toxic mother.  Get together the paperwork and the funds to get your name and your name only on your car, so all your dad has to do is sign it.  Give her back anything other than clothing that she's given you, and stop accepting things from her.  Call up your relatives yourself and tell them, "Hey, just so you know, I'm going to be taking an extended break from dealing with Mom.  Please don't communicate with her about me, and don't bother trying to pass along any messages from her."  Then change your number, and, if possible, move.  Give your new information to one person you trust to keep you up to date with family issues without sharing that they're still in touch with you with your mother.  Make a new Facebook, refriend your own friends, but not any family members that are friends with Mom, and delete your old one.  If she and EvilGranny tend to make fraudulent phone calls to the police, go in and meet with the police and give them a heads up.

Get some counseling - even just joining a support group for people with toxic parents could be helpful, and is typically free.

You say you have a good relationship with your dad, but I can't say I think much of a person who doesn't protect his or her children, even against the actions of their other parent.

Honestly, this isn't really an etiquette issue.  You're dealing with an unreasonable person who isn't operating on normal polite/impolite standards, and you won't be able to deal with your mother on that basis.

[Frostblooded]

What greencat said. You can also call your provider and have text messages blocked on your phone from them. Ask your cell phone provider how to negate these excessive charges, they CAN do that for you.

I don't mean to kick you while you are down, OP, but everything you have mentioned so far are things that you can snatch out of her power with some effort.

You can do it!

[Cami]

My mom has been Facebook friends with me since I graduated college, and hasn't really caused much drama there in all that time since my Facebook is extremely sanitized.  But my mom is also very um... crazy.  Most of the time everything's okay with her and nothing's wrong and she's as friendly as can be.  Until, that is, she flips and goes on a screaming rant over the phone or chews me out in person over some tiny imagined slight.

I would consider defriending and blocking her on FB to be part of a rule of life I've found helpful, which is: "Don't engage the crazy."

[whiskeytangofoxtrot]

My mom is not so much the crazy person as the self-pitying kind. She's on my friend list, but she's so restricted that about all she can see is my public info- and I try to insure that almost nothing is visible to "public" view.  I've allowed her on my list only so I can keep a remote eye on her and other family members' drama; if someting develops, I (hopefully!) can see it coming ahead of time, and head for high ground.

[Twik]

You say you currently have a good job. Why not buy your own car? It would be better than living in fear.

[nuit93]

Sounds like time to do whatever you need to do to cut ties with this woman.

[lovepickles]

Oh yes. Your mother sounds toxic. There is a great audio book for that, you might want to get it. It helped me a great deal.

I would walk away. Deal with losing your car and having your mother think you are a horrible person. I lost everything only to realize it was nothing. Yes that included an awesome car that I paid for but kept in my dad's name. It's gone but the message I sent by leaving it behind was unmistakeable.

So I would drop her from Facebook without comment and stop responding to her crazyness. If the car is in your dad's name bring him a bill of sale and have him sign it so you can transfer the title. If it is in your mom's name I'd suggest parking it in front of her house at night, calling a cab and mailing the keys.

You are going to catch some of that crazy if you stick around. Do you want to be like her?

[bah12]

I agree you need to take steps to separate yourself from her.  If it makes it easier, do it slowly...but deliberately.

As far as FB is concerned, if you suddenly disappear from her wall and you're afraid it will cause more drama than it's worth, then simply edit your relationship with her so that she doesn't see posts that don't directly involve her.   She never has to know and you can always act as if you're just not active (if she even asks).

I would also start looking to either get your car in your name or get another car.  Respond to her less and less.  Go over less and less...etc.

[Danika]

I agree with all of the others. Your mother sounds toxic and your dad isn't much better if he's giving you things (the car) with strings attached (no title).

Start becoming completely independent so they can't punish you if you don't jump when they say "jump." And keep reminding yourself that your mother's happiness is not your responsibility. It is not your responsibility to keep her calm and always smooth things over and be a doormat to avoid rocking the boat and upsetting her.

[Twik]

I agree with all of the others. Your mother sounds toxic and your dad isn't much better if he's giving you things (the car) with strings attached (no title).

Start becoming completely independent so they can't punish you if you don't jump when they say "jump." And keep reminding yourself that your mother's happiness is not your responsibility. It is not your responsibility to keep her calm and always smooth things over and be a doormat to avoid rocking the boat and upsetting her.

Danika is exactly right here. Particularly the bolded.

You know (intellectually) your mother uses guilt. You need to incorporate that knowledge emotionally, so you don't feel a panicky sensation that "I just hurt my mother!" when your mind tells you, she's using it entirely as a weapon to get what she wants.

The people you love shouldn't terrify you.

[Marguette]

Back to the question of Facebook; I wouldn’t recommend that you block or defriend her—it’s bound to create even more drama when she realizes. Facebook allows you to fine-tune the visibility of every status you post—you can control exactly who can and who can’t see it. This is how:

Make a group of all-facebook-friends-except-Mom.

Whenever you want to post or talk about things that don’t concern her, or that have the potential to set her off, then restrict visibility of the post to your non-Mom group.

Find non-provoking things to post from time to time that she can still see; you know best what she will like—is it cute animals, nice scenery, inspirational quotes in line with what she believes, etc.?