Etiquette to rude people

[josieh]

Hi, I am going to try to keep things short.

A month ago, godparents invited bf's parents to their house for a bbq and invited me again. Out of respect, I said yes. This time, god-brother was awfully mean spirited towards me. When I was playing with godparent's baby niece, god brother pointed at me and said "monster" to the baby.  There was nothing I can do on the spot so I smiled and didn't say anything.   God brother called me high maintenance because I like pretty things. Once again, I didn't say anything. High maintenance came up again when I downloaded the wrong game on my phone and had to download another one.   This was the time when everyone was done dinner and were sitting around. During the whole incident, bf was present but didn't say much. He knew I didn't want to go in the first place. I believe he just want the night to be over as much as I do. At the end of the night, he thanked me for going.

I assume I won't be able to avoid this family in the long run but I don't know how else i can respond to this rudeness. Please help! 

[PurpleFrog]

If they continue to make jokes about your eating I would simply continue to ignore them, it doesn't seem that you and bf see them that often.

However you should also avoid giving openings, instead of saying 'I prefer spotted shrimp to the plain ones you have' which puts the other person on the defensive try something more like 'Oh shrimp I love them in an aquarium, have you seen the spotted ones, they're really pretty too.' Which comes across as more. Complementary and gives a conversational opening.

As to downloading games to your phone during a social gathering, I have to say that comes across as quite rude. Instead of interacting with those around you, you ate looking at a focusing on your phone. It signals a disintetst in getting involved with the other attendees.

The situation is awkward, but with some effort from both sides could as least be smooth rather than uncomfortably difficult.

[josieh]

However you should also avoid giving openings, instead of saying 'I prefer spotted shrimp to the plain ones you have' which puts the other person on the defensive try something more like 'Oh shrimp I love them in an aquarium, have you seen the spotted ones, they're really pretty too.' Which comes across as more. Complementary and gives a conversational opening.

I basically said "oh these are cool" pointing at the spotted shrimps and that got interpreted as being high maintenance. I didn't actually make a comparison between the shrimps in the tank.

As for downloading games, god brother was in front of his ipad the entire time while we were over. Talk about being rude.

[PurpleFrog]

Sorry I misunderstood, I thought they had plain shrimp and you said you preferred spotted.

However, I don't feel you can complain about god-brother being rude if you are doing the same thing.

From the description is it possible that god-brother feels equally awkward and doesn't know how to react? Or that he feels he has to defend his sister by being mean? My advice would be to be bring out your best company manners, engage in conversations, don't give god-brother a reaction and hope it settles with time. If it doesn't, try to avoid him as far as possible and focus on other members of the family.

[WillyNilly]

I remember you, OP.
Did you BF end up going on vacation with these people?  Does he still have weekly weekend dinners with them?

These people have been consistently rude to you for a long time if I recall, just they were very passive aggressive about it before and now it sounds like the brother is changing over to blatant aggressive-aggressive.

I personally would put my foot down.  They aren't nice to you and don't like you dating your BF.  And your BF doesn't stand up for you.  I would straight up say "no" to socializing with them, period, ever.  Including, if it were me, if we ever got engaged they would not be invited to the wedding.  To paraphrase Pam from The Office, you don't want anyone who thinks you are a hussy at your wedding.

Yes each thing is just one tiny grain of sand... until you have a beach.  You, OP, have a beach, or at least a very uncomfortable sneaker filled with millions of grains of sand representing how nasty these people truly are to you.

[LeveeWoman]

During this entire time, bf didn't say much but he knew I didn't want to go in the first place. I believe he just want the night to be over as much as I do. At the end of the night, he thanked me for going with him.

I assume I won't be able to avoid this family in the long run but I don't know how else i can respond to this rudeness.

If I were in this situation, my boyfriend would either have my back or he would see my back walking away.

[Oh Joy]

How old is the godbrother?  Have you ever tried talking to him directly/casually/slightly sympathetically about, 'Is it weird for you to have your (dead) sister's boyfriend's new girlfriend around?'  I'm picturing a young adult whose parents are putting him in a situation he's really not comfortable with...the connection is with their daughter, but she was his sister, too.

But maybe I'm making up situations in my head!   

[Moray]

I remember you, too.

I really think you need to take a long, hard look at whether you want to put up with this sort of treatment. Are you going to stick around, continuing to expose yourself to these people and their hateful behavior, hoping BF sticks up for you at some point (even though he has failed to do so thus far and probably won't because he doesn't want to be "rude" to his dead girlfriend's family)?

More importantly: Do you want to live with a third (dead) party in your relationship? 'Cause she's there, binding your BF to these people.

[Winterlight]

I remember you, too.

I really think you need to take a long, hard look at whether you want to put up with this sort of treatment. Are you going to stick around, continuing to expose yourself to these people and their hateful behavior, hoping BF sticks up for you at some point (even though he has failed to do so thus far and probably won't because he doesn't want to be "rude" to his dead girlfriend's family)?

More importantly: Do you want to live with a third (dead) party in your relationship? 'Cause she's there, binding your BF to these people.

This.

I think you need to have a state of the rel@tionship talk. He seems happy to be entangled with them and doesn't stand up for you when they're rude. I get that they miss their daughter and see him as a connection, but they are using their grief as a bludgeon on you and it's only going to get worse with time. How will they react if you two marry, have children, ect?

[Reason]

I can see why you kept silent when you were insulted out of respect for your BF and his connection to this family.

In this case, the BF should have spoken up himself to remind this family that such comments towards you are not welcome and would not be tolerated, when you were called high maintenance and jokes were made about your eating habits. He should have done so out of respect for you, because he clearly knew you were not comfortable. You have at best a tenuous connection with this family while his is quite deep. As such it is his place to confront them about their apparent rudeness, not yours. After all, if not for him, I am sure you would have nothing to do with these people. He knew this as well, because he thanked you for coming with him. Since he knew all these things and did not act, I would begin to wonder about his character if I were you.

Their loss, while regrettable and sad, is no excuse to insult you. Everybody has problems, and most of us have experienced loss as well. I have to commend you for remaining calm while under attack, that must have been very difficult. I agree that disentangling yourself from these people sounds like a good idea.

[cicero]

Etiquette to rude people is the same, no matter what the circumstances are. we can be lenient, and stretch the rules a bit when someone is going thru something traumatic, so i would give someone a pass if they said something out of character while burying their sister/daughter.

But at this point, while  i have no doubt that they are still sad and grieving, i would no longer tolerate rudeness. I wouldn't wait for my BF to come to my defense, either.

Next time anyone is rude to you - speak up.

When he called you a monster - say "excuse me, that is a mean thing to say" and walk away from him. when he calls you "high maintenance" say "excuse me, that isn't very nice" and walk away. you teach people how to treat you - and you need to let him know that his behavior (even if at some level we may understand that he is greiving, and he misses his sister, and sees you as some interloper), is inappropriate period end of discussion.

Having said all that - I would sincerely re-think a relationship with someone who allows people to treat you this way. Either your BF is just not a nice person, or he is feeling guilty about the late/ex girlfriend (I didn't understand if she was his ex gf at the time of her death?)which means he really isn't ready for a new relationship.I don't have a prolem with the fact that he wants to keep the relationship with her family. but *this* set up sounds unhealthy to me

[O'Dell]

During this entire time, bf didn't say much but he knew I didn't want to go in the first place. I believe he just want the night to be over as much as I do. At the end of the night, he thanked me for going with him.

I assume I won't be able to avoid this family in the long run but I don't know how else i can respond to this rudeness.

If I were in this situation, my boyfriend would either have my back or he would see my back walking away.

Perfect!

[Judah]

Josieh, the way I see it, your problem isn't with your boyfriends god-family, it's with your boyfriend.  Your boyfriend needs to be telling these people that they WILL respect you and his relationship with you or else.  And, honestly, if he were my boyfriend, he wouldn't be.  I find the whole, dead-fiance's-parents-adopt-him thing really, really weird.  I can understand wanting to maintain a friendly relationship, I would not be comfortable with the level of enmeshment (can't think of the right word) they've developed.  Your boyfriend doesn't seem to want to move on with his life.

[DaDancingPsych]

Have you ever brought these issues to the attention of your boyfriend? He may be present to hear the comments, but not registering that they are upsetting you. His lack of sensitivity to your feelings bothers me, but I feel that a conversation about your feelings is warranted. I agree with the others, he should be standing up for you. He should be insisting that they are treating you politely.

While I have certainly done my share of ignoring inappropriate comments over the years in the name of being respectful to another person's loved one, there comes a point where you have to put your foot down. There is a fine difference between ignoring a single conversation where maybe the other party did not realize how uncomfortable their words were making me and a constant battery of putdowns. But that's where e-Hell comes to the rescue! Many of the token phrases here ("Why would you say that?") can come in handy in making it known that you do not appreciate what is being said and will not be tolerating it.

Personally, I want to be with someone who cares about my feelings. If a boyfriend is allowing his family or friends to say rude things to me, then that is likely someone I may not want to be with.

[Moray]

There's something very Miss Havisham about how this family is reacting to the untimely death of their daughter; like maybe, just maybe, if they keep pretending that nothing has changed ("Look, her BF is still here for dinner/family time!") then it will be like the death never happened.

It's very, very sad, but it's also not healthy.