Someone Else's Child (a bit long, sorry)

[Gemini]

Okay, here's a modern etiquette question: is it a no-no to speak with parents these days about their child's inappropriate behavior, when you don't know the family?

Backstory:
While walking my dogs, I have had a couple of run-ins with a boy who lives a street over. He is inevitably on a scooter (must really love it) and drives it top speed right at us, then stops in front of us and demands to pet my dogs. One of my dogs is afraid of scooters at the best of times, but NO dog enjoys getting rushed like this. I have explained to him before that the dogs are afraid of his scooter and it's not okay to do this, and then attempt to keep walking, but he will either block our path (!) or follow us, pestering and demanding. Rushing up behind us, rushing past us and then circling back, shouting at us. Meanwhile, my dogs are getting a bit freaked. So then I'm trying to navigate the street while keeping my dogs calm, while trying to get it through his thick little skull, in the nicest way possible (I happen to love kids) that this is not okay to do with my dogs and to just let us walk. It happened again yesterday before supper and it was the worst time yet. At one point he picked up a stick and was shouting DO THEY LIKE STICKS? As he's doing all this he's completely oblivious to cars.

Truth be known, my dogs do meet other people and kids and dogs in the neighborhood. A nice "may I meet your dogs?" is fine. But if someone has not been taught how to approach an animal (and its owner, for that matter) in a safe manner, then I opt not to interact with them. My prerogative. This kid's approach is definitely not pet-friendly.

This boy is about 7 or 8 years old, by the way. I have never seen an adult supervising him. I have seen an older gentleman working in their driveway from time to time, but he has never been friendly. For all I know he's a contractor or handyman. Because I think this behavior is inappropriate, and because it could be dangerous for this child one day when he does it with someone whose dogs finally snap, I thought I might knock on their door this weekend and talk it over with the parents. Not a "your kid is a brat!" conversation, but rather explaining the situation (they're never out there so they may not know what's happening) and maybe explaining why it's so important for him to know how to behave in the street. Perhaps suggest some supervision...

But I mentioned this to someone else last night and she was horrified. She feels that it is simply "not done", to talk to parents about their kids if you don't know them (and many times even if you do). Her belief is that it is the parents' business how their kids behave, not anyone else's. She'd tell someone to shove off if they knocked on her door to talk about her sons.

For the record, in order to avoid this street I would have to go significantly out of my way, and on a much, much busier route. And it's not like he's never anywhere else in the neighborhood.

So: is it bad etiquette to ask to speak with the parents about this? What IS the etiquette for such a situation?

Thanks for listening... sorry this was so long.

[ShadesOfGrey]

*knocks on door*

  *door opens*

"Hello, My name is Ms. XXX.  I walk my dogs in this neighborhood, and have repeatedly asked your son not to rush us with his scooter or to pet my dogs.  He refuses to listen, and often blocks the pathway to let us by.  Yesterday, he picked up a stick in a threatening manner.  I just wanted to let you know, that should I encounter him again, and he does not stop this behavior, I will consider it harrassment, and will call the police immediately.  Have a nice day."

*walks away*

[ShadesOfGrey]

ok, so maybe the "have a nice day" was a little snarky, but really, you should be addressing his inappropriate behavior with you and your dogs - not how his parent supervise him.  As much as I hate to admit it, that's really up to them.  Do you have a neighborhood watch, local policeman, anything you can advise of the situation?

You definitely have a LOT more patience than I do!

[Chartreuse]

I don't know if it's proper etiquette or not, but I actually WANT other adults to speak up when my kid has been a problem.  I won't be able to be everywhere all the time, and if there's something that needs addressing, I want to know.

[HogwartsAlum]

I don't think it's poor etiquette to express concern for the kid's safety, and the safety of yourself and your dogs.  If my kid were acting that way, I'd want to know.  You might approach the parents first from the standpoint of safety, and if they give you attitude, then you can suggest to them (politely, of course) that it might be a matter for the local authorities.

[Athos_000]

I agree with rdge, addressing the problem of safety/harassment is a good way to go with this one. Personally, I would have contacted an authority figure about this child if he had rushed me with a scooter more than once.

[Virg]

I don't believe for a moment that etiquette prevents you from bringing this child's misbehavior to the attention of his parents.  As said elsewhere, "gracious" doews not equal "doormat".

Where etiquette steps in is in how you address the issue.  You need to tell the parents that their child is harassing you and your dogs, but stick to facts and make no calls as to their parenting.  As rdge said, "Hello, My name is Ms. XXX.  I walk my dogs in this neighborhood, and have repeatedly asked your son not to rush us with his scooter or to pet my dogs.  He refuses to listen, and often blocks the pathway to let us by.  Yesterday, he picked up a stick in a threatening manner."  I'd leave the authorities out of it at first to give the parents a chance to make things right, but if you have that talk and things don't change, then by all means report it.

Virg

[Evil Duckie]

No it is not rude. Especially if you phrase it from the stand point that you are concerned about the child's safety. If the parents either don't care or try to blame you then politely leave and next time call the local authorities.

As a parent I would WANT to be told about my child acting like this. I would not care how they phrased it, but please tell me. I would definitely then have a long talk to my child over this.

[IndianInlaw]

Once I mentioned to a foster care provider that I had seen his teenaged foster son was hanging off the back of the city bus while wearing roller blades, on more than one occasion.

I was not well received.

[Lunadiana75]

It sounds like you need to speak up to protect your dogs!  This kid is antagonizing them, and if they bite him (as isin adog's nature) your dogs will get blamed not this little *word I can't say on the board*.  

You could phrase it in a way that sounds like your protecting this kid "I'm just worried one of my dogs might hurt child who needs disciplining if he keeps this up", that way the parents won't get defensive.

Yikes, hope your furry ones are okay.

[CocoCamm]

is it a no-no to speak with parents these days about their child's inappropriate behavior, when you don't know the family?

Rude or not I have to admit I would have no problem talking to a parent about their childs bad behavior IF said behavior was negatively affecting me. So in your case DEFINATELY speak to the parents! There is no reason that you have to put up with being harrassed by some little brat.

Now most little brats I know have equally bratty parents so talking with them might not do any good however I think you owe it to yourself and your dogs to do so. Who knows perhaps his parents are perfectly pleasant and reasonable people who have no idea little Johnny is acting up.

One suggestion I have fo you if you chose to speak up: dont offer any advice, or opinions ect. Simply state the facts. Let them take it from there. Good luck!

[Shoo]

How firm have you been with this boy?  Asking because I have absolutely no problem with telling a child I don't know to behave himself.  Before going to the boy's parents, which will probably be met with something less than pleasantness, I'd make the boy aware in no uncertain terms that he is not to approach me or my dogs.  If he did, he'd get yelled at and warned that I was going to call the police (whether or not that is actually feasible - children do not like to be told they will get in trouble with the police!)

BACK OFF.  STAY AWAY.  DO NOT COME NEAR ME OR THE DOGS.  Said as loudly and authoritatively as possible.  Might even get the boy's parents off their lazy butts and outside where they should be supervising him.

[DottyG]

Wholeheartedly agreeing with all of the above who have said that you need to speak with the parents.  You're protecting YOUR children (as those of us with pets know, these are family members, too).  But, if your "children" bite this child because of his brattiness, yours are going to be a heck of a lot more trouble.

Politely address the parents.  But, address them today.

[anonymousmac]

Okay, here's a modern etiquette question: is it a no-no to speak with parents these days about their child's inappropriate behavior, when you don't know the family?

Personally, I think it should be fine to talk to the parents in this situation, because it affects you directly.  But I also think that should be a second step only, if speaking to the boy directly doesn't work. 

I think he's old enough to tell "Hey, don't run your scooter so close, you're scaring my dogs!" and "No, you can't pet them right now, you've scared them.  Maybe another time if you can learn to be nicer."  Tell him exactly what you want from him in simple terms (even if that's just "Get away from me, I don't want to play with you").

I think kids that age are plenty capable of learning, especially if there's a reward in it for them (a chance to pet the dogs someday if he learns to be better about it).  I personally think that as soon as a child is capable of interacting with society, then society is allowed to interact right back at them.  Go ahead and tell him what you think, and only escalate to talking to the parents if he continues to be impossible.  (Threatening to call the authorities would be pretty over the top in this case, in my opinion.)

Good luck!

[Hawkwatcher]

If the child's behavior was not affecting you, I would agree that you should probably mind your own business.  However, this kid's behavior is affecting you, which makes his parents' childrearing style your business. As others have pointed out, the consequences will probably be more serious for your dogs if one of them bites this kid.  You might also find yourself in a legal nightmare if the parents decide to sue you.

In order to protect yourself, your dogs, and the child, you should probably talk to the parents.  Although the parents might react like your friend would, you would have at tried to inform them about their child's dangerous behavior.    If possible, it might be a good idea to have a friend go over the parents' house with you so you can have a witness who will testify that you did at least try to warn the parents.  You might want to have a friend walk with you and your dogs so that you can have a witness to the kid's behavior and your response to this behavior.