General Etiquette > Life...in general

Shower Gift/Card Wording for a Former Friend (warning: long bg)

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LadyStormwing:
Bit long BG: "Sally" and I have known each other and have been friends since first grade...about 22 years now. Vacationed with each others families, graduated high school together, I took part in her wedding two years ago to "Sam", and we're even cousins-by-marriage. (My uncle married her aunt several year ago.) We've also spent a lot of time commiserating with each other as we both have some serious, lifelong health issues, in the "misery-loves-company" way. Due to her health complications, doctors had told her and Sam that it was unlikely that Sally would ever be able to safely carry a pregnancy to term. Dreams die hard, though, and one day while we were discussing this, Sally said that because of our long friendship, family ties, and what we've been through together, if they ever did have a baby, she and Sam wanted me to be the godmother.

Three months later, Sally was indeed pregnant. Right about the time she started announcing it to everyone, two things happened. The first was that Sally was asked to be the godmother for her friend "Kay's" baby. I know Kay (small town) but we were never really friends. The second is that Sally, Kay, and I were all in a wedding together that, for a multitude of reasons, was nearly a disaster leaving myself and the MOH doing all the work and a good deal of irritation and not a few hard feelings toward the other bridesmaids. Right after that wedding, I got an email from Sally through Facebook that started with "Please don't be upset but..."

Oh, I was upset, as the email went on to say how Sam's family said they wanted Kay to be the godmother because they know her and were already upset because Sam and Sally hadn't asked one of them to do it (which they couldn't. In our religion, the godparents must be practicing members of the religion. Sam's family are not members of our religion- he converted before he married Sally.)  and how she was surprised I even thought I was going to be the godmother (Because "Sam and I already discussed it and we want you to be our baby's godmother" sounds pretty well decided the third time you hear it) etc. So while of course I was upset about being bumped, I was more upset that I got all this through an email and 20+ years of friendship didn't even warrent a telephone conversation.

This was in April. I haven't spoken to Sally since.

/BG

So last week my mother and I both got invitations from Sally's mother to a baby shower in Sally and BabyGirl's honor. I absolutely positively do not want to go to this shower and see Sally, but at the same time, I have nothing against the baby. I hate carrying a grudge, so I bought BabyGirl a nice matching Celtic cross and baby rosary set, which I will have blessed and mailed to her house. (I won't go through our mutual aunt, as she gets much to emotional about things like this.) My question is, what the heck should I write on the card? Just "congratulations" or "best wishes"? I have no desire to try to reestablish any relationship with Sally at the moment, but she is not her daughter. I'm almost tempted to address the package to BabyGirl (who's name I know, even though she won't be here officially until the end of October) and in that way sort of bypass Sally.

Thoughts and suggestions much appreciated.

StarFaerie:
Currently baby and mother are one and the same really and will be for some years. If you don't want anything to do with Sally then, I'm sorry, but you really can't have anything to do with the baby either.

I think you need to either bury the hatchet, accept that they chose someone else to be Godmother and return to being Sally's friend (though never as close); or RSVP your regrets, put the present and card away and forget about them.



Just a note, I would like to preemptively differentiate this from situations where the person is a close blood relative where my advice would be quite different.

guihong:
Is it possible that Sally didn't mean a slight, but she and Sam felt they had to bow to family politics over the godparent issue?  His family must feel that Kay is a known entity and you aren't :(.

I know it hurts, but you have a choice: either reestablish the friendship, as Starfaerie said, or forget it.

Luci45:
If you are cousins by marriage, you are Sam's blood cousin, right?

If you feel you must preserve family unity, buy a baby shower card with the gift
and don't worry about a personal message on it.

Shopaholic:
I'm just baffled as to why you would buy a gift for a baby there is a chance you'll never see, if your relationship with Sally continues on this way.

Do you think your gift will cause Sally to contact you again and perhaps renew the friendship?

Have you spoken to Sally regarding how you felt after that email?

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