"I'm going to be a grandma!" But who's pregnant?

[kitchcat]

Oh dear. I spoke too soon. So I was on FB just now and SMIL was online so DH messaged her in chat. Turns out SIL *IS* pregnant and they have known for two weeks! She attempted to call DH once while he was at work, he didn't answer, and she never attempted to call him again. SIL has not even told her own mother! We're not too surprised though...SIL is incredibly immature, manipulative, selfish, and generally only talks to MIL when she wants money (which will probably be soon).

[Perfect Circle]

Oh dear. I spoke too soon. So I was on FB just now and SMIL was online so DH messaged her in chat. Turns out SIL *IS* pregnant and they have known for two weeks! She attempted to call DH once while he was at work, he didn't answer, and she never attempted to call him again. SIL has not even told her own mother! We're not too surprised though...SIL is incredibly immature, manipulative, selfish, and generally only talks to MIL when she wants money (which will probably be soon).

I knew for three months before most people even in my immediate circle knew I was pregnant. And you SIL did leave your DH a message to call him back, so I am not quite sure why you are so angry with her?

[Van down by the river]

I agree. Why is it SIL's responsibility to chase get brother down and tell him? And what does get being immature and selfish have to do with the situation?

[Ceallach]

Oh dear. I spoke too soon. So I was on FB just now and SMIL was online so DH messaged her in chat. Turns out SIL *IS* pregnant and they have known for two weeks! She attempted to call DH once while he was at work, he didn't answer, and she never attempted to call him again. SIL has not even told her own mother! We're not too surprised though...SIL is incredibly immature, manipulative, selfish, and generally only talks to MIL when she wants money (which will probably be soon).

Wait - you said earlier that SIL had tried to get in touch with your DH, even texting him asking him to call her, but he was "too busy", and now you're saying nasty things about her because she didn't tell you? 

I'm sorry, but nobody is entitled to be informed about the pregnancy, it's not a right.   You can't pick and choose when to be close - she clearly expressed a desire to her sibling to speak to him, trying to call him and also texting asking him to call her, and he chose to ignore her.    That's fine, he has no obligation to speak to her.  But he also has no right to then be pipped that he didn't her the good news that she wanted to share.    Btw, I'm 17 weeks pregnant and only told my Dad yesterday.  My mother has known for a month and my sister has known for 3 months.  Nobody is offended.   

[kckgirl]

I agree with Ceallach. SIL tried to get in touch with your DH, who was too busy to call her back. How does his not returning her call translate into her fault that you didn't know?

[StarFaerie]

Oh dear. I spoke too soon. So I was on FB just now and SMIL was online so DH messaged her in chat. Turns out SIL *IS* pregnant and they have known for two weeks! She attempted to call DH once while he was at work, he didn't answer, and she never attempted to call him again. SIL has not even told her own mother! We're not too surprised though...SIL is incredibly immature, manipulative, selfish, and generally only talks to MIL when she wants money (which will probably be soon).

Wait - you said earlier that SIL had tried to get in touch with your DH, even texting him asking him to call her, but he was "too busy", and now you're saying nasty things about her because she didn't tell you? 

I'm sorry, but nobody is entitled to be informed about the pregnancy, it's not a right.   You can't pick and choose when to be close - she clearly expressed a desire to her sibling to speak to him, trying to call him and also texting asking him to call her, and he chose to ignore her.    That's fine, he has no obligation to speak to her.  But he also has no right to then be pipped that he didn't her the good news that she wanted to share.    Btw, I'm 17 weeks pregnant and only told my Dad yesterday.  My mother has known for a month and my sister has known for 3 months.  Nobody is offended.

^I agree with this totally. SIL tried to contact DH so this is on him not her.

And congratulations Ceallach. That's wonderful news. 

[Ceallach]

Oh dear. I spoke too soon. So I was on FB just now and SMIL was online so DH messaged her in chat. Turns out SIL *IS* pregnant and they have known for two weeks! She attempted to call DH once while he was at work, he didn't answer, and she never attempted to call him again. SIL has not even told her own mother! We're not too surprised though...SIL is incredibly immature, manipulative, selfish, and generally only talks to MIL when she wants money (which will probably be soon).

Wait - you said earlier that SIL had tried to get in touch with your DH, even texting him asking him to call her, but he was "too busy", and now you're saying nasty things about her because she didn't tell you? 

I'm sorry, but nobody is entitled to be informed about the pregnancy, it's not a right.   You can't pick and choose when to be close - she clearly expressed a desire to her sibling to speak to him, trying to call him and also texting asking him to call her, and he chose to ignore her.    That's fine, he has no obligation to speak to her.  But he also has no right to then be pipped that he didn't her the good news that she wanted to share.    Btw, I'm 17 weeks pregnant and only told my Dad yesterday.  My mother has known for a month and my sister has known for 3 months.  Nobody is offended.

^I agree with this totally. SIL tried to contact DH so this is on him not her.

And congratulations Ceallach. That's wonderful news. 

Lol, thank you!      

[AngelicGamer]

I believe the OP said that the SIL tried once during a busy time at work.  She is now not returning phone calls or text messages.  I would call that a bit selfish and pouting - not the way the OP is describing it as I feel that is a bit over the top without any sort of back story - but SIL needs to at least text back now with the OP's DH apologizing (a lot) for not getting back sooner.

[kckgirl]

I still think the OP's DH needs to call. Not text.

What I can never figure out on Ehell is this: Why do so many posters try to do every single type of communication by email or text? Sometimes it's just better to call if you can't speak face to face. The situation in the OP seems like one of these times. The DH was too busy to call and later sent a text. Now OP & DH wonder why the SIL hasn't shared her news. Perhaps she'd like to talk to her brother.

[kitchcat]

I believe the OP said that the SIL tried once during a busy time at work.  She is now not returning phone calls or text messages.  I would call that a bit selfish and pouting - not the way the OP is describing it as I feel that is a bit over the top without any sort of back story - but SIL needs to at least text back now with the OP's DH apologizing (a lot) for not getting back sooner.

This is what I was trying to get across. She called once, knowing full well when he works, left no message, and hasn't responded to any of DH's subsequent calls/texts/emails (yes, he had called her multiple times). She texted him the same time with this exact message "Hey, why don't you call me more often?" So it wasn't exactly like she was saying "Call me, I have important news to tell you."  This is typical of SIL though, she tends to be very cryptic.

Also, the main reason I was saying "nasty things" isn't due to the fact that she didn't contact DH and I...It's more of the load of trouble I'm anticipating between her and MIL. It's already pretty obvious that she is going to use her pregnancy/baby as a bargaining chip with MIL. MIL is incredibly generous and selfless, while SIL is...well, like I described, the opposite. (I posted about their relationship before where MIL paid $3k to fix SIL's car, who responded by calling her a horrible mother.) MIL really wants grandchildren and SIL is already using that fact to try to get money out of her. 

Not to mention we're both very concerned about the choices SIL is about to make. She just turned 20 recently and still hasn't learned what being an adult really means. The father of her baby is her boyfriend who she's been seeing for 3 months and went through a divorce only a few months before they started dating. SIL plans to quit her job, move across the country to marry the guy and be a stay at home mom. MIL is very worried because it's almost a mirror image of what happened when she got pregnant with DH and it resulted in a long, nasty divorce resulting in her living in a woman's shelter because she had no way to support herself. SIL thinks this is her Cinderella story and having a baby is going to seal the deal, so we're all really worried.

[stitchygreyanonymouse]

Not to mention we're both very concerned about the choices SIL is about to make. She just turned 20 recently and still hasn't learned what being an adult really means.…SIL thinks this is her Cinderella story and having a baby is going to seal the deal, so we're all really worried.

(sniped for length)

You can worry about it all you want, but that won’t be productive. What you can do is stay out of it, lend advice if asked (which sounds unlikely), try to foster a relationship with your future niece and nephew, and if the Cinderella story all falls apart (which is likely, but I like to be optimistic) never say "I told you so" and continue to work on a relationship with niece/nephew and support SIL to whatever extent you feel necessary and which doesn’t harm your own family/relationship.

The pessimist in me and being an old hand at having siblings having kids young says that SIL is either in for a rude awakening or will never understand why her choices are leading to a difficult situation. But worrying won’t help matters.

Back to the etiquette: for future vaguebooking, I recommend ignoring the posts or confronting the vaguebooker offline for something like this that has the potential to affect you. And I don’t think it’s rude to respond with "well, why did you vaguely announce it to everyone on Facebook if you weren’t supposed to share the news in the first place?" if they say they can’t tell you.
 

[MOM21SON]

I still think the OP's DH needs to call. Not text.

What I can never figure out on Ehell is this: Why do so many posters try to do every single type of communication by email or text? Sometimes it's just better to call if you can't speak face to face. The situation in the OP seems like one of these times. The DH was too busy to call and later sent a text. Now OP & DH wonder why the SIL hasn't shared her news. Perhaps she'd like to talk to her brother.

Speaking only for myself.  I work, my friends work, most of my family works.  At work I can text and email.  When I come home, I cook dinner, run errands, run DS to his activities, etc.  When I have time for me, well its my free time for important things like ehell.  My lunch break is for just that, lunch.  Its very rude to talk on the phone while eating.

[Ceallach]

This is what I was trying to get across. She called once, knowing full well when he works, left no message, and hasn't responded to any of DH's subsequent calls/texts/emails (yes, he had called her multiple times). She texted him the same time with this exact message "Hey, why don't you call me more often?" So it wasn't exactly like she was saying "Call me, I have important news to tell you."  This is typical of SIL though, she tends to be very cryptic.

Also, the main reason I was saying "nasty things" isn't due to the fact that she didn't contact DH and I...It's more of the load of trouble I'm anticipating between her and MIL. It's already pretty obvious that she is going to use her pregnancy/baby as a bargaining chip with MIL. MIL is incredibly generous and selfless, while SIL is...well, like I described, the opposite. (I posted about their relationship before where MIL paid $3k to fix SIL's car, who responded by calling her a horrible mother.) MIL really wants grandchildren and SIL is already using that fact to try to get money out of her. 

Not to mention we're both very concerned about the choices SIL is about to make. She just turned 20 recently and still hasn't learned what being an adult really means. The father of her baby is her boyfriend who she's been seeing for 3 months and went through a divorce only a few months before they started dating. SIL plans to quit her job, move across the country to marry the guy and be a stay at home mom. MIL is very worried because it's almost a mirror image of what happened when she got pregnant with DH and it resulted in a long, nasty divorce resulting in her living in a woman's shelter because she had no way to support herself. SIL thinks this is her Cinderella story and having a baby is going to seal the deal, so we're all really worried.

Ok, well I was responding to what you had said in your previous post yesterday (quoted below), which is different.  You said that she was texting him trying to get him to call her, so that to me certainly indicates "leaving a message".  I think her desire to speak to him was fairly clear.     He didn't have time to call her.  Great, that's fine.  But he has no right to be annoyed that SHE didn't find some more time to contact him again or respond to his messages now that he wants to talk to her - that's quite a double standard.   Your past two posts have actually confused the situation quite a bit.  Now it's clear that you actually have a very low opinion of her and are not particularly close, I'm wondering *why* you are surprised at all about this whole situation.  It seems given her background that when it first occurred you would just have thought  "Oh, that flakey, selfish, immature SIL of mine is probably pregnant".   It seems from this post that you are feeling quite strongly about this situation but I don't really understand why.  Somebody you're not really close to and clearly dislike didn't go out of their way to share deeply personal news of their own with you in a timely fashion.  Not exactly unexpected.

OP here again. So, after having sent SIL the PM on facebook, I've noticed her several different times online and update her status, yet she never replied to my message. That fact, combined with some others DH pointed out after re-reading SMIL's post and comments (small details emerged) has pretty much convinced DH that SIL is in fact the pregnant one. He recalled that the previous week she was texting him and telling him to call her, wouldn't say about what, but he was really busy and didn't have time to call. He thinks that is probably what she was going to tell him. He texted her and asked her flat out if she was the one SMIL was talking about. Despite accessing FB from her cellphone multiple times, SIL has not responded to the texts either nor called.

[kitchcat]

Now it's clear that you actually have a very low opinion of her and are not particularly close, I'm wondering *why* you are surprised at all about this whole situation.  It seems given her background that when it first occurred you would just have thought  "Oh, that flakey, selfish, immature SIL of mine is probably pregnant".   It seems from this post that you are feeling quite strongly about this situation but I don't really understand why.  Somebody you're not really close to and clearly dislike didn't go out of their way to share deeply personal news of their own with you in a timely fashion.  Not exactly unexpected.

I'm surprised because while she may be immature and selfish, neither DH or I ever thought she would have kids anytime soon. Whenever the subject of kids came up the past she'd always say she never wanted to have children and wasn't fond of them. And while I may not have a high opinion of SIL, I certainly do not want her to make choices that could make her life more difficult in the long run. I do love her and want the best for her, but the forum is evidence that while someone may love family member, you don't always "like" them or their behavior.

I'm not sure if my last post made it clear or not and indeed the focus of the thread has kinda shifted as details emerged. But I'm not upset because SIL didn't tell DH or I. I really am not surprised by that. She hasn't even posted on her own FB about it so I don't think SMIL's vague post was a coincidence. She was probably going to wait until the next time she talked to DH on the phone. The original purpose of the thread was to figure out if and how I could figure out who the mother-to-be was, and now that that's figured out, that issue is done and over. Any subsequent info is more of just me venting worries about the whole situation that is unfolding.

[kareng57]

This is what I was trying to get across. She called once, knowing full well when he works, left no message, and hasn't responded to any of DH's subsequent calls/texts/emails (yes, he had called her multiple times). She texted him the same time with this exact message "Hey, why don't you call me more often?" So it wasn't exactly like she was saying "Call me, I have important news to tell you."  This is typical of SIL though, she tends to be very cryptic.

Also, the main reason I was saying "nasty things" isn't due to the fact that she didn't contact DH and I...It's more of the load of trouble I'm anticipating between her and MIL. It's already pretty obvious that she is going to use her pregnancy/baby as a bargaining chip with MIL. MIL is incredibly generous and selfless, while SIL is...well, like I described, the opposite. (I posted about their relationship before where MIL paid $3k to fix SIL's car, who responded by calling her a horrible mother.) MIL really wants grandchildren and SIL is already using that fact to try to get money out of her. 

Not to mention we're both very concerned about the choices SIL is about to make. She just turned 20 recently and still hasn't learned what being an adult really means. The father of her baby is her boyfriend who she's been seeing for 3 months and went through a divorce only a few months before they started dating. SIL plans to quit her job, move across the country to marry the guy and be a stay at home mom. MIL is very worried because it's almost a mirror image of what happened when she got pregnant with DH and it resulted in a long, nasty divorce resulting in her living in a woman's shelter because she had no way to support herself. SIL thinks this is her Cinderella story and having a baby is going to seal the deal, so we're all really worried.

Ok, well I was responding to what you had said in your previous post yesterday (quoted below), which is different.  You said that she was texting him trying to get him to call her, so that to me certainly indicates "leaving a message".  I think her desire to speak to him was fairly clear.     He didn't have time to call her.  Great, that's fine.  But he has no right to be annoyed that SHE didn't find some more time to contact him again or respond to his messages now that he wants to talk to her - that's quite a double standard.   Your past two posts have actually confused the situation quite a bit.  Now it's clear that you actually have a very low opinion of her and are not particularly close, I'm wondering *why* you are surprised at all about this whole situation.  It seems given her background that when it first occurred you would just have thought  "Oh, that flakey, selfish, immature SIL of mine is probably pregnant".   It seems from this post that you are feeling quite strongly about this situation but I don't really understand why.  Somebody you're not really close to and clearly dislike didn't go out of their way to share deeply personal news of their own with you in a timely fashion.  Not exactly unexpected.

OP here again. So, after having sent SIL the PM on facebook, I've noticed her several different times online and update her status, yet she never replied to my message. That fact, combined with some others DH pointed out after re-reading SMIL's post and comments (small details emerged) has pretty much convinced DH that SIL is in fact the pregnant one. He recalled that the previous week she was texting him and telling him to call her, wouldn't say about what, but he was really busy and didn't have time to call. He thinks that is probably what she was going to tell him. He texted her and asked her flat out if she was the one SMIL was talking about. Despite accessing FB from her cellphone multiple times, SIL has not responded to the texts either nor called.

Agree - there seems to have been quite a number of similar posts on this board during the last few weeks.  Someone is annoyed over something that seems to be relatively minor - and then when they post the entire background, the issue seems to be such a drop-in-the-bucket that we have to wonder why the post, anyway.

A post where people are miffed about who was informed about the pregnancy ahead of others - and then all these issues where people figure that it's a train-wreck, anyway?  I don't get it.

ETA:  I did read the latest update and am honestly more confused than ever.  Perhaps the mom-to-be is immature in some of her thinking but I really don't think that she's the only one.