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Meme16:
My daughter and I talked about friendship; she and I both tend to like to do something with friends, rather than just get together to talk. Usually if there is a mom of someone my daughter knows, the girls have played together/did a project, etc., and the mom and I spend the time talking. If we are at their home, the mom is usually doing dishes or cooking, if at mine, it's similar, or we are joining the girls for a project. We don't sit and chat, usually; we get together with friends with a project in mind. I don't gossip, so I don't do Moms Night Out, as nights are when I am needed at home for certain.

Over my lifetime of friends, in going out to eat, or other events, over time, other friends or I go dutch, or one picked up the tab, and then the other person planned something and paid...keeping 'books' and keeping score with my friends has not been of importance, as it has usually felt 'even'. When it was time to pay, either upfront or afterwards, the money was always discussed, and agreed upon. We loosely remember 'turns', or amounts, depending on the disparity, but who 'owes' who is not an overriding issue or undercurrent. We feel comfortable bringing it up, if need be, we don't let money come between us. However,
with the friend in the story following, there is an odd disparity.

There is a woman friend and her daughters we have done many things with for three years, including helping each other out with emergencies sometimes. They do not reciprocate with invitations, though; she will say 'you guys need to come with us to...sometime', but the invitation never comes. We hear stories of other people joining them, however.

I had continued to invite them to join us for events. This included some sporting events. I told her ticket prices, and she'd say what she could do, or I'd offer to treat them, especially if I had a deal on tickets. We'd leave it pretty clear if she was paying her part, and I would say definitively if I was treating them. I never left that part unclear.  Her daughters didn't bring their own spending money, which was odd, but I covered her girls. Sometimes she paid me back. (If it had been reversed, I would have asked about tickets and paying for ours, and I always send money with my daughter, or pay for us, when we do things together.) Often, she'd agree to the cost, but then not pay me back. After this scenario happened with sporting events more than a couple of times, I stopped inviting them to join us.

A couple of years ago, I was coordinating going to an event for my daughter. We invited this mom, and her older daughter, to come along. She wanted to come with her other daughter, and a friend of hers. This required getting tickets, which I paid for upfront, quite the extra expense, and we got less desirable seats.
My daughter was fine going with this group, so we went together. The mom drove, too, as my car seats 5. (I was looking forward to driving, but with the large group, that was out.)

I do not recall if she reimbursed me for tickets; as we wanted them to join us, I was mentally prepared to pay for everyone, as I was familiar with her pattern.  It was a conscious choice to buy all the tickets and know the possibility existed to not be reimbursed. It was a few years ago, and I do not remember if she paid me back or not, she may have. The rub was the extra invitees, which affected our seating choice, so I kept that in mind for the future.

Next, we invited her daughter to join my daughter and me for a regional overnight trip. The mom wanted her other daughter to come along. I declined, as this was a trip for my daughter, and maybe the mom. The girl came, but brought no spending money of her own.  I covered her expenses, and her mom did not offer money afterwards. The girl did not seem to be enthralled with being with us; she called another friend while we were on the trip, talked about this other person, etc. Later, we found out, she went back to the special place we visited (but we did not stay at), with this other person, and they stayed the night.

We planned another event, this time, out of state. The mom and her daughter were to join us. She kept going back and forth about bringing both her girls; I could not afford a room, etc., for another person.
While we were there, at a moment of celebration, this girl left the room to take a long call from the previously mentioned other friend.  They did pay their way, this time.

We planned another event, a concert. The woman again wanted to bring her other daughter. This was for my daughter, who wanted to just go with the older girl, and her mom wanted to come. I again bought the ticket blocks. The mom went on and on about bringing the other girl. I can certainly empathize, as I had an older sister, and I wanted to do things with her, too, when I was under 10. These girls are a bit older, and I can't imagine bugging the planner about it. The friend drove, and she paid for dinner; she did not pay for her tickets. I did say how much the tickets were, in planning the event, and she talked about what she could afford, etc., as we made the plans. Then, she didn't pay for hers. I did not ask for the money, either. Maybe, as it was a celebratory event, she thought I was paying for it, but we picked the ticket pricing area together.
Maybe, since she drove, (I paid for parking), and she paid for dinner, she thought we were square (by far we were not).

Late last year, I had a vital trip to do, my daughter did not want to come.  About a month in advance, I asked my friend if my daughter could stay with her on Saturday night. I would go for the one overnight. She said yes. I talked with her about it in between, as it was important to me, and it meant much that my daughter could stay with them. The week of the trip, we were together, and her daughter said something about the science weekend on Saturday. We have gone and met up with them at it before. I said, something about that being fun for my daughter, too. She was abrupt, a bit ticked off, as she had forgotten my daughter was staying with them. I ended up cancelling my trip, as it was going to put her out to have my daughter over for one night, and to take her to the free science event, too. Later, she emailed, 'sorry you cancelled your trip, why did you?' I wrote it was because the logistics did not work out as planned.

We saw them for some sports, meeting up, in the spring. Otherwise, I have not called them to do things, and they have not called us.  (Last summer, she would say, you guys should come with us on our guest passes to this park, but they never invited us. They would invite the other friend mentioned previously, and her older daughter would go on and on to my daughter about the fun they had.)

In May, we had a performance, which they usually attend, and with a relative of theirs. We have come to each others ceremonies/performances each year, if invited. She has not invited us for over a year.  Last year, she and her girls came, (we talked ticket price, and they came, but did not pay for their tickets, as was
implied). This year, she texted, yes, get us tickets!!!  It was time for ticket release, and I phoned, emailed and texted asking how many for her. She did not reply! I waited another day, texted, phoned, emailed again.
Finally, I bought some tickets, with two extra, in case she could come. By this time, the seats available were much further back. Wished I had bought on the morning they released, just for us...but, she had said they would come...

She replied late in the week, via text, that a relative was coming, they could not make it. I texted, that I wished she had replied sooner, as the tickets I got were not as good, and I was glad I had not bought too many extra tickets. I asked that they tell my daughter, as she had known they were coming, and was very happy. Then, she texted, her older daughter could come.  I almost told my daughter, and was replying to her with thanks, as she did have relatives in town, and it is a busy time for them always, when she texted me again...

She wrote as I was writing, that no, her husband says her daughter cannot come. So, I wrote 'okay', asked them to let my daughter know. They didn't.  If it were in reverse, I would make sure to reply, as I had already
committed to go, in person or on the phone at least, not via text. My daughter would say something herself to her friend, too.  Or, we would do something to have my daughter join them, as it was for only a few hours, either for an afternoon or evening, and I would have gotten my daughter there...and, I would have paid for tickets I had committed to.

We have not done anything together over the summer. We have been busy, and I figured I'd see if they contacted us. I was not inclined to invite them to anything with us, and my daughter did not mention them.
I saw that she called once, but did not leave a message.

My daughter is doing something for an hour at a place where her older daughter goes all day. This place started in session this week. My daughter got a text from the girl, to meet up afterwards. My daughter told me she wanted to see her, I said it was fine, and she would call me when she was ready for pick up. She called me when she was ready. I pulled up, she got in the car, and this friend did, too (!). My daughter said, hi, her friend said, 'sorry we haven't seen you, we were SO BUSY all summer'; I said, hello, and that we were, too.

I asked what was up, as they were both in the car. My daughter said, she wondered if we could take this girl to a nearby cafe, where she goes after the daily event. I drove there, expecting the girl to say thanks for the ride, and we'd be on our way. We sat there a moment, and the girl said, what are we doing? My daughter awkwardly said, she felt bad about leaving her there, or maybe we can drive you home. I said, no, we can't do that, I have an errand, and she has classes at 5p. My daughter said, 'ohhh, yes'; the other girl got out, and my daughter said she wanted to go in and get something, although she didn't have any money.
I gave her some, said I'd run my errand, and come back for her.  This I did, I went by, and got my daughter.
We then rushed around to get ready for her 5p class.

Later, I received an email from the mom. She wrote 'after talking with my daughter, I realize you are still very very mad about the event in the spring. She said she realizes she is a (can't be counted on), doesn't say 'no' and commits to things she can't follow through on... She apologized again, said she promised she would not commit to things she can't do. She said we have done so much with you, enjoyed those things, and will miss us.


Initially, when the daughter got in touch with mine, after so much silence, and it was for a ride, not just to see her...I thought here we go again. It is the same pattern, they call when they want something. I also thought, if it were me, I might have written asking about how it was her daughter was doing the sessions at this place, how she is, etc., tell her thank you for giving my daughter a ride. I can't imagine querying my daughter, and then writing that I was assuming, after interrogating my daughter, that she was still mad at me from the summer!  It felt like a setup.

I have thought about using the 'interesting assumptions' reply.  I am also uncomfortable writing to her, as I think her daughters read her emails. I feel I might get angry to talk in person, at this point. I spoke with my own daughter, and she said everything seemed regular with the girl. My daughter has been fine with how things have been, not instigating outings with them, and I think we will continue this, as I do not feel that sense of trust and faith that I had way back when. I have been very content without the upheaval of making plans with someone I cannot count on, or trust.  This is not friendship, to me.

Suggestions and comments, if you please!

Shoo:
I think you can sum up this friendship like this:  You give, and give, and give, and she takes, and takes, and takes.

You are far more tolerant than I am.  After the first time (maybe the second time) of getting stiffed after buying tickets for something, this friendship would have been put on the back burner.  I don't know...maybe you can afford to pay for other people all the time. I sure couldn't, and I would fiercely resent having to do so.  Actually, I *wouldn't* do so.  You put up with way more than I think you should have.

So don't call, don't invite.  Just let this one-sided friendship fade away.  What do you get out of it, after all?  A lot of expense and a lot of frustration.  Is it worth it?

thlayly:
I confess I got very lost during all of this. I know it would be a lot of work, but maybe you could use names instead of my daughter, other lady, her daughter, her other daughter, etc... because I feel like I may have missed something.  ;D

I think you've let this go on far too long. She takes and doesn't care. Cut her off and enjoy your good friends.

cutecupcake:
It sounds like this is a friendship that is not really reciprocal. If I were you and your daughter I'd probably write them off as users and avoid them in the future. Friends don't ditch friends for long periods of time until they "need" them again.

Hmmmmm:
I think you can respond, " No, not mad.  Just busy.  Hope you've had a good summer.". And then continue to not initiate contact. 

Btw... The Moms Night Outs I've attended haven't been all gossip.  Lots of discussing the kids, trips, schools and family plans.  But the group I used to spend a lot of time with also spent significant time on politics, current events, views on religion, and way too much time on cooking and dining out. 

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