General Etiquette > Family and Children

Bailing on the middle of an event, how should I address this?

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Take2:
BG: Ex left me in 2010 and remarried immediately. Ex takes his scheduled visitation every other weekend. Ex often makes comments insinuating that he would like to spend more time with the kids, but actually declines any offers of extra time, is generally a tad late picking up and a tad early dropping off and occasionally offers me extra time (which I always take). Kids are 4 and 6.

Ex and I split the cost of an extracurricular activity for the kids this summer, a weeklong day camp. The daycamp sent an e-mail to me about an additional opportunity to do an overnight one weekend after camp ended. I bought tickets for myself and the kids, forwarded to ex in case he wanted to come, too. I was surprised when he said yes, he and his wife would like to come and he would pay for one kid's ticket to split the cost with me. I bought his tickets and forwarded him the packing list, etc. The place is about 30 minutes from both ex's home and mine.

The evening of the event arrived. Kids were excited about the event AND about seeing Daddy. He arrived with his wife, their sleeping bags and suitcase and pillows. We dropped our gear and did dinner and activity 1. During activity 2, ex approached me and said that he just remembered that his back has been giving him problems, so he shouldn't be sleeping on the floor  ???. He and wife were going to head out. He then told the kids, who were sad about Daddy's back, but he was coming back in the morning for the second half, right? Nope. He was done.

So now, ex feels that he was reasonable, I guess. I feel that reason is pretty fishy, but don't really care what the real reason was. But my kids were crushed, I feel he was very rude to bail on them. Am I right? How can I bring this up to ex without starting WWIII?

something.new.every.day:
I think that if I were in your shoes I would be so, so tempted to say something.  But I'm not sure it would get you the results you want.  As difficult as it may be, I think the best move it to accept that he a woefully inadequate parent and that in a way you are lucky that he seems to be willing to let you be the primary caretaker.   

Calypso:
I think you really can't bring it up. What's the point?

If you do, the issue of rude/not rude shouldn't come into it. You know the kids don't care if he was polite or not---they care that he went back on his word.

From what you describe (not using all his allocated time with the kids) he wants to be thought to be a great dad, but doesn't have a real desire to be with his kids as much as possible. If he's more concerned with appearance rather than substance (was that an issue during your marriage, I wonder?) YOUR opinion won't mean a lot to him. You're divorced, as far as he's concerned, you're written off in the "Dad's great reputation" stakes.

 You could *quietly and calmly* say something like "DS and DD were happy to see you but it also made them sad to you couldn't finish out the event with them. Should I make it clear next time that could happen, so they don't get the wrong expectation of things?"

Good luck, by the way.

Zilla:
It's hard.  You have to just be concerned for your relationship with your kids and let him worry how he looks to your kids.  I wouldn't say a word.  I would only mention something if it interfered with your rules, raising the kids directly.  As your kids get older, best thing you can possibly do is put it on their dad if he disappoints them in a non confrontational way.  Let him deal with it, separate yourself from him.


And actually I think it was nice to attempt it.  It's better to have shown up for a little bit instead not at all.

doodlemor:
When your kids are grown up they will know who spent the most time with them, Take2.  Your children are lucky to have you for a mom.

I don't think it would do any good to say much to X.  If he doesn't "get it" by now, anything you say won't change him.

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