Please tell me I was okay in defriending her (among others)

[lkb]

Hi:
I guess I'm feeling the guilts about doing this and want to know what I did was okay. (I'm willing to apologize and take my lumps if necessary.)

Yesterday, I unfriended and blocked someone on facebook. We were bridesmaids for each other a quarter century ago when we worked together but we have done worked together in many years. I know she has severe chronic health issues that have been worsening that have also affected her work life (she lost her job after many years).

While I'm sympathetic to her plight and I like her and wish her well, I felt compelled to defriend her because her political views are at the opposite end of the spectrum from mine and the items she "shares" on Facebook are becoming increasingly inflammatory toward people who believe as I do. Those shares are indeed the majority of her posts, except for an occasional note to respond to birthday/anniversary wishes etc. No real news. I private messaged her with some information about a potential job opportunity then asked about it, but no response even to that.

It's also been a long time since she's responded to any of my posts, of any type, including major news. A while back I shared something that probably was against her beliefs (so be it) so I think she may have blocked me or something. I have long since stopped doing so and I ignore political/controversial posts. Until yesterday...

What happened yesterday was she shared a particularly inflammatory item against my beliefs. I had been deciding to cull my friend list for a long time any way, leaving it strictly to family and business relationships. The shared posts was the straw that broke the camel's back. I wrote a lengthy comment in response (trying to politely and respectfully state my side of things), posted it, then went through and defriended/blocked her. Then I went through and culled a lot of my friends (high school classmates, parents of my children's classmates etc.).

I guess I feel guilty essentially putting the nail on the coffin of a friendship I care about. I wish her well and respect her a great deal. But I'd rather remember the fun times we had together than be perpetually stirred up by her posts.

So, did I do the right thing?

[wx4caster]

I was in complete agreement with you until

I wrote a lengthy comment in response (trying to politely and respectfully state my side of things), posted it, then went through and defriended/blocked her.

You did a Facebook equivalent of a hit-and-run but it seems to have been a knee-jerk reaction.  I personally would have not commented at all and quietly defriended her.  I try not to give any of my head/emotional space to negative people.  Banish them from your life and move on.

And FWIW, I don't think you need to apologize unless it's something you need to do to feel better.  If your ex-friend is truly that volatile, an apology wouldn't accomplish anything. Better to more on and try to do better next time.

[QueenofAllThings]

You have the right to defriend anyone you want - it's YOUR wall. Personally, I would have foregone the comment (you aren't going to change her mind, any more than she will change yours), but you are certainly entitled to comment if you wish.

Sounds like you're mourning an old friendship a bit - that's OK! No need to feel guilty, though - it isn't as if she's been reaching out to you.

[Hmmmmm]

I don't think she had blocked you since you were still seeing her posts. I'm not sure I would have written the post, mostly because my other Facebook friends would also see what I posted and I don't use Facebook for posting about my beliefs.  I would have just blocked her posts from my feed and later decided if I wanted to defriend.

[JenJay]

I believe when you block someone Facebook makes it so you two basically don't exist to each other anymore. You will not be able to see anything she posts, nor her you, including comments you make on mutual friends' pages. I'm not sure how blocking will affect the reply you left her (Will it be visible to all her friends but not her?). I understand why you defriended her and have done the same. I have friends with opposing views and that's fine. We have other things in common. But if that's all they use FB for and never acknowledge me personally I don't see any reason to keep them around.

[lkb]

Thank you. My response to the last post from her was my only one to her in such circumstance.  It was probably done in a weak moment but I did really try to be respectful. I guess I felt the need to stand up for my beliefs for a change albeit in a hit and run. Yes I am mourning the loss of a friendship but I see now that it has probably been gone a long time. Sigh.   Thanks again.

[RebeccainGA]

I've had to do this - it stinks, really. You did the right thing. I had a 'friend' that would post things saying that people like me, DP and our DD should all be rounded up and put into camps with electric fences. She KNEW I was there, too, and I was as open about being who I am then as I am now - her views have skewed far, far away from what they were in college, when we were friends.

I wish you peace. And, as my mom likes to say, "I wish them well away from here" - you decide where the comma goes.

[sparksals]

I was in complete agreement with you until

I wrote a lengthy comment in response (trying to politely and respectfully state my side of things), posted it, then went through and defriended/blocked her.

You did a Facebook equivalent of a hit-and-run but it seems to have been a knee-jerk reaction.  I personally would have not commented at all and quietly defriended her.  I try not to give any of my head/emotional space to negative people.  Banish them from your life and move on.

And FWIW, I don't think you need to apologize unless it's something you need to do to feel better.  If your ex-friend is truly that volatile, an apology wouldn't accomplish anything. Better to more on and try to do better next time.

Yep.  I was going to say the exact same thing. 

[Auntie Mame]

You can defriend anyone, anywhere, anytime for whatever gosh darn reason you see fit.  That's just fine.

Publicly announcing it, making a scene.  That is not okay.

There have been a few people I have defriended for various reasons.  I always did so quietly and without fanfare.

[JoyinVirginia]

This sounds like it was no longer a real friendship, but an acquaintance. I would have quietly defriended, and probably would have blocked her posts long  ago.

[poundcake]

Thank you. My response to the last post from her was my only one to her in such circumstance.  It was probably done in a weak moment but I did really try to be respectful. I guess I felt the need to stand up for my beliefs for a change albeit in a hit and run. Yes I am mourning the loss of a friendship but I see now that it has probably been gone a long time. Sigh.   Thanks again.

I get the inclination, but that is never going to somehow magically convince someone who holds strong opposing views to consider yours. You can argue logically, passionately and eloquently that Blargnaffs will make the country a better place, or that this is why you believe in Therpitude. But until someone has a personal experience that shakes them to the core, it won't change the way that they think.

[grannyclampettjr]

I defriended one of my bffs from HS...the one I almost switched schools to follow because I adored her so very much. 

It wasn't the politcal views themselves but more how she expressed them.  But the actual last straw was when she posted something about killing cats.  Yeah, no.  Buh bye. 

[kckgirl]

I understand that sometimes you just have to "unfriend" someone, but often, you can just hide their posts from your view. After the political elections are over (and thank goodness it won't be too much longer!), the more politically outspoken among us will calm down and stop posting about them. I am hiding people right now that I'll probably add back to the mix after the elections.

You can do whatever you want with your own Facebook, but often the first option suggested by posters here at Ehell is unfriend and block when there are other, less nuclear, options to try first. If you go to the person's timeline and hover over the block next to the name that says "Friends" there is an option to show or hide their posts in your news feed.

[SiotehCat]

I think it was fine that you defriended her, but posting and then defriending like you did was not cool.

I share similar things on my facebook, but they are not related to politics. If someone responded to one of my posts and then left me with no way to respond back, I would think them quite childish.

[Winterlight]

I'd have simply quietly defriended her.

A dear friend found herself in this situation- someone we'd both been friends with in college posted a really nasty racist comment (which referred to my friend's race) and she simply defriended and blocked.