Author Topic: Being addressed by first name  (Read 24798 times)

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TurtleDove

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Re: Being addressed by first name
« Reply #60 on: November 16, 2012, 04:04:59 PM »
I  prefer to be  called "Turtle Dove" or just "Turtle."  When I was married I preferred to be called "Turtle Dove" or just "Turtle."  Professionally, I prefer to be called "Turtle Dove" or just "Turtle." It's my name, after all.

TurtleDove

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Re: Being addressed by first name
« Reply #61 on: November 16, 2012, 04:08:02 PM »
People can like or dislike whatever they want, but what do women who abhor the title Ms. expect the medical assistant at the Doctor's office to do when she needs to call for Jane Smith?    People don't need to like Ms. but I hope they can appreciate that it's the best default title if we are going to stick to titles.

At my doctor's office they call for "Turtle."  I've never heard them use a title.  Perhaps this is regional but in my area it would be quite contrived to call someone "Ms. Dove" or "Miss Dove" or "Mrs. Dove." Professionally, if someone insists on calling me "Ms. Dove" I take it as an insult or an intentional slight.  It's just not done around here.

violinp

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Re: Being addressed by first name
« Reply #62 on: November 16, 2012, 04:10:10 PM »
People can like or dislike whatever they want, but what do women who abhor the title Ms. expect the medical assistant at the Doctor's office to do when she needs to call for Jane Smith?    People don't need to like Ms. but I hope they can appreciate that it's the best default title if we are going to stick to titles.

At my doctor's office they call for "Turtle."  I've never heard them use a title.  Perhaps this is regional but in my area it would be quite contrived to call someone "Ms. Dove" or "Miss Dove" or "Mrs. Dove." Professionally, if someone insists on calling me "Ms. Dove" I take it as an insult or an intentional slight.  It's just not done around here.

Yeah, no one ever calls for someone saying "Title Lastname" at my doctor's office either. It's just "Firstname Lastname."
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Twik

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Re: Being addressed by first name
« Reply #63 on: November 16, 2012, 04:11:40 PM »
Actually, in my doctor's office, the call is for "Twik Twikerson?" (always with a slight questioning inflection, as if wondering if I'm still out there). No "Ms" or "Mrs/Miss" issue at all.
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turnip

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Re: Being addressed by first name
« Reply #64 on: November 16, 2012, 04:40:55 PM »
People can like or dislike whatever they want, but what do women who abhor the title Ms. expect the medical assistant at the Doctor's office to do when she needs to call for Jane Smith?    People don't need to like Ms. but I hope they can appreciate that it's the best default title if we are going to stick to titles.

At my doctor's office they call for "Turtle."  I've never heard them use a title.  Perhaps this is regional but in my area it would be quite contrived to call someone "Ms. Dove" or "Miss Dove" or "Mrs. Dove." Professionally, if someone insists on calling me "Ms. Dove" I take it as an insult or an intentional slight.  It's just not done around here.

Yeah, no one ever calls for someone saying "Title Lastname" at my doctor's office either. It's just "Firstname Lastname."


Right - but the whole of this thread started off with someone being insulted at the use of their firstname!    I mean - I take a "just don't call me late to dinner" approach, so it's no skin off my nose, but it seems to me that we've decided that every form of address is going to insult someone.    Perhaps we could all instead have a little sympathy for the Doctor's assistant/check out girl/restaurant hostess and not take their attempt to get our attention as a personal judgement.

- "insult or an intentional slight" - really?  What do you think they are saying about you or your character by calling you Ms Dove?  And I get it may be regional, but people must come from outside the region sometimes? 

TurtleDove

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Re: Being addressed by first name
« Reply #65 on: November 16, 2012, 04:49:35 PM »
- "insult or an intentional slight" - really?  What do you think they are saying about you or your character by calling you Ms Dove?  And I get it may be regional, but people must come from outside the region sometimes?

I am a lawyer and generally speaking we all talk to each other using first names, regardless of whether we are cocounsel or opposing counsel.  If I ask a colleague, coworker, or counsel with whom I am negotiating to call me "Turtle" and he or she insists on calling me something else, that comes across as an insult or intentional slight.  They are saying nothing about my character and a lot about theirs.  For what it's worth, I work nationwide and generally speaking, even in Southern states, other lawyers who uphold professional courtesy call me "Turtle" and I call them by their first names.  In my experience, lawyers who insist on calling me "Ms. Dove" do so not as a sign of respect but rather as a show of "I refuse to be friendly - our clients are at war and therefore so are we." 

turnip

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Re: Being addressed by first name
« Reply #66 on: November 16, 2012, 05:02:05 PM »
- "insult or an intentional slight" - really?  What do you think they are saying about you or your character by calling you Ms Dove?  And I get it may be regional, but people must come from outside the region sometimes?

I am a lawyer and generally speaking we all talk to each other using first names, regardless of whether we are cocounsel or opposing counsel.  If I ask a colleague, coworker, or counsel with whom I am negotiating to call me "Turtle" and he or she insists on calling me something else, that comes across as an insult or intentional slight.  They are saying nothing about my character and a lot about theirs.  For what it's worth, I work nationwide and generally speaking, even in Southern states, other lawyers who uphold professional courtesy call me "Turtle" and I call them by their first names.  In my experience, lawyers who insist on calling me "Ms. Dove" do so not as a sign of respect but rather as a show of "I refuse to be friendly - our clients are at war and therefore so are we."

That makes more sense - I think I misread you as saying that if a office assistant you never met before called you "Ms. Dove" you'd take it as a slight.


Biker Granny

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Re: Being addressed by first name
« Reply #67 on: December 12, 2012, 08:31:42 AM »
I personally don't care if it's Ms or Mrs. ::)  Never been anything for me to get excited about.  I will say at 50 I'm not over fond of being called Miss.

My generation grew up calling out friends parents and other elders Mr and Mrs.

My children's generation was more relaxed.  It was Mrs./Ms/Miss Mary or Mr. Joseph....never just the 1st name.

And if my Doctor's title has nothing to do with the social or business setting, I don't feel it's necessary to use it and I never point it out.  I also feel that is rude.

I have no problem if someone points out that they prefer the more formal but I agree with the others that if one starts out with the Mr/Mrs and it's stated that the less formal is preferred, it's just as important to respect those wishes.


AuntieA

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Re: Being addressed by first name
« Reply #68 on: December 12, 2012, 11:25:05 PM »
I am (almost - 13 days away) 58 years old. I am okay with former co-workers (including physicians), family, and business contacts with whom I have an established relationship (like the folks at my local Save-On Foods+ their pharmacy) calling me Audrey. I am also okay with individuals from workplaces where I am applying for work using my first name. However, when dealing with persons in a business capacity where the person in question has never met me, I do not want to be addressed by my first name.

Case in point - a few weeks ago, I had arrived home after shopping, and was approached by a gentleman in his thirties who was near the door of the townhouse two away from mine. He asked me, "Are you Audrey?". Turns out he is from the condominium association and wanted to ask me about a voting issue. I was in a rush and therefore didn't emphasize my desire to be addressed as Ms. AuntieA. The next time, though, I will correct him/them.

When out in a restaurant, store, or other venue where they don't know my name, I am okay with Miss, Ma'am,m or even Lady. Unfortunately, it seems that a lot of restaurant servers have defaulted to the overly-casual and IMO insulting "You Guys", and that I find offensive. "You Folks" is far more palatable.
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Mental Magpie

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Re: Being addressed by first name
« Reply #69 on: December 12, 2012, 11:27:24 PM »
I am (almost - 13 days away) 58 years old. I am okay with former co-workers (including physicians), family, and business contacts with whom I have an established relationship (like the folks at my local Save-On Foods+ their pharmacy) calling me Audrey. I am also okay with individuals from workplaces where I am applying for work using my first name. However, when dealing with persons in a business capacity where the person in question has never met me, I do not want to be addressed by my first name.

Case in point - a few weeks ago, I had arrived home after shopping, and was approached by a gentleman in his thirties who was near the door of the townhouse two away from mine. He asked me, "Are you Audrey?". Turns out he is from the condominium association and wanted to ask me about a voting issue. I was in a rush and therefore didn't emphasize my desire to be addressed as Ms. AuntieA. The next time, though, I will correct him/them.

When out in a restaurant, store, or other venue where they don't know my name, I am okay with Miss, Ma'am,m or even Lady. Unfortunately, it seems that a lot of restaurant servers have defaulted to the overly-casual and IMO insulting "You Guys", and that I find offensive. "You Folks" is far more palatable.

I have to ask...why?  What's the difference?  In the past few decades, guys has failed to mean only males and rather means a group of people regardless of gender.  That doesn't mean it doesn't bother you, but I still wonder why.
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Aeris

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Re: Being addressed by first name
« Reply #70 on: December 13, 2012, 02:18:40 PM »
I am (almost - 13 days away) 58 years old. I am okay with former co-workers (including physicians), family, and business contacts with whom I have an established relationship (like the folks at my local Save-On Foods+ their pharmacy) calling me Audrey. I am also okay with individuals from workplaces where I am applying for work using my first name. However, when dealing with persons in a business capacity where the person in question has never met me, I do not want to be addressed by my first name.

Case in point - a few weeks ago, I had arrived home after shopping, and was approached by a gentleman in his thirties who was near the door of the townhouse two away from mine. He asked me, "Are you Audrey?". Turns out he is from the condominium association and wanted to ask me about a voting issue. I was in a rush and therefore didn't emphasize my desire to be addressed as Ms. AuntieA. The next time, though, I will correct him/them.

When out in a restaurant, store, or other venue where they don't know my name, I am okay with Miss, Ma'am,m or even Lady. Unfortunately, it seems that a lot of restaurant servers have defaulted to the overly-casual and IMO insulting "You Guys", and that I find offensive. "You Folks" is far more palatable.

I have to ask...why?  What's the difference?  In the past few decades, guys has failed to mean only males and rather means a group of people regardless of gender.  That doesn't mean it doesn't bother you, but I still wonder why.

The only thing I can figure is the formality. I'll admit that I'd be surprised if I were at Chez Fancy and the waiter said 'you guys', because it would seem more casual than the setting. It wouldn't *bother* me at all, though, just seem incongruous.  But if you're going to someplace like T.G.I.Fridays, you (general) really have to accept that they are selling a casual atmosphere - and in a casual atmosphere, addressing a group as 'you guys' is perfectly appropriate.

Yvaine

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Re: Being addressed by first name
« Reply #71 on: December 13, 2012, 02:30:53 PM »
POD. I would much rather be referred to as "Miss Violinp Lastname" rather than "Miz* Violinp Lastname," because the latter is trying to imitate or make more obvious a Southern accent, which is just confusing to me. I don't see "Miss" as bad and "Mrs." as good - they merely denote marital status for the women who choose to change their last names. That said, women who prefer to go by "Ms." should be called what they wish to be called, and refusing to do so is quite rude.

*That's how Ms. is pronounced, to the best of my knowledge.

It is Miz, but as far as I know it doesn't actually have anything to do with a Southern accent, and indeed I don't even think it's used as much in the South as it is in some other locales. I think Miss has a popularity in the South that it no longer has in other areas, and it is sometimes pronounced kind of like Miz too, but as far as I know they're not really connected.

magicdomino

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Re: Being addressed by first name
« Reply #72 on: December 13, 2012, 03:41:21 PM »

Right - but the whole of this thread started off with someone being insulted at the use of their firstname!    I mean - I take a "just don't call me late to dinner" approach, so it's no skin off my nose, but it seems to me that we've decided that every form of address is going to insult someone.     Perhaps we could all instead have a little sympathy for the Doctor's assistant/check out girl/restaurant hostess and not take their attempt to get our attention as a personal judgement.

I noticed this while reading this thread.  Every form of address has at least one person who doesn't care for it, and I think every form has had someone who is downright offended.  Of course, if you ask to be called something in particular, your wishes should be respected.  But please don't take it personally if someone guesses wrong on the first try.

My two cents, for what it's worth:  I strongly prefer to be addressed by my first name, because dealing with my last name is annoying.  The letters do not correspond to the sounds, so it is invaribly mispronounced. (Think D'amanjaugh) Then I have to repeat it two or three times, adding that the person should not look at it while trying to pronounce it, because it doesn't sound anything like it looks. (Ignore the apostrophe and that ugh at the end.  The j is silent.  Yes, those a's really are pronouced like long o's.)  Then I'm asked where it comes from, and I explain that it is from one Eastern European country to another, and then got mangled a second time through Ellis Island.  Or I can skip the whole pronounciation thing, and hope I recognize it if my last name is called.

Aw the heck with it.  Just call me Magic.   :)

CNN

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Re: Being addressed by first name
« Reply #73 on: December 20, 2012, 08:47:59 AM »
I find this discussion fascinating. I come from a country and culture where I would not even dream of calling my elders by name. My family is a bit more relaxed about the rules ( I have cousins more than 15 years younger than me that call me by name) but most people here would not even dream of calling an elder by name. If you don't know the person's name, you address the person as Oga, Madam, Auntie, Uncle etc., anything that might sound polite.

I was wondering what people like me should do if they come to a setting where their elders asked to be addressed by their first name? Because the first time I visited the USA, a man old enough to be my grandfather asked me to call him "Jim" and I just couldn't do it. I could almost feel the spirits of my ancestors preparing to give me a hot slap if I tried it. Since it was a one off interaction, I managed to get through the conversation without addressing him by name but I don't know to do if I ever encounter that sort of situation again.

Emmy

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Re: Being addressed by first name
« Reply #74 on: December 20, 2012, 01:51:22 PM »
DH volunteered in an English as a Second language program a few years ago.  One of his students was a woman from France and her and DH talked about her culture.  I remember DH mentioned that in France, often people don't volunteer their first names until after they know somebody quite well and it would be considered an invasive question to ask a stranger their first name.  If I have my facts straight, I can see why the OP considers it so rude even though it is very common place in US culture.  On the same note, in that culture, it would probably feel odd to address somebody you just met by their first name, even if they insisted, because it is considered to be a fairly intimate thing.  However, when in Rome do as the Romans do.  It would be unfair for the OP to wish to be addressed in a way that makes her comfortable, yet not be willing to respect that wish for somebody else. 

As a child, I was taught to use surnames for pretty much every adult.  Some of my parents close friends I used Aunt or Uncle and first name.  They had a few friends who dropped by the house on a regular basis and they would be the only adults we called by first name.  In college, my professors introduced themselves by their title, usually Dr.  I graduated college and worked in an academic setting, however everybody in my small office went by their first name.  It felt funny at first because I was so used to being the student and using title and surnames.  At meetings with other professionals, they always introduced themselves by their first name.  It seemed once I became an adult in the working world, I entered the club on being in a first name basis with colleagues, even those much older, and with high titles such as doctorates.  I realize other working cultures may be different.

Teachers in the US are referred to Mr. or Ms. (or Miss or Mrs.) Surname while students are referred to by first name.  In an all adult working environment, is it rude for a boss or older person to refer to somebody by their first name while expecting to be addressed by a title and surname?