OK, an update, not really etiquette related but finishing up the story....
DH and I met with Mrs. Teacher (this is her preferance) and it seems we're all on the same page now. We talked, we laughed, we looked at the behavior chart. Academically, Jean is doing very well. She told me that Jean and the two boys she was sitting by are all strong willed children, very well behaved by themselves but all together they were an "unholy trinity"
Sure enough, Jean has not gotten into trouble since she was divided from the other two. I think there might be a tiny kid-crush going on too, which wouldn't have helped, because Jean was speaking to my SIL and telling her about one of the kids in her class. SIL said "Oh, is that the boy you've been fighting with?" and Jean replied "NO, Aunt M, the boy I fight with is CUTE!" Which he wouldn't be anymore if she had poked his eye out with a scissors, but whatever.
Also, another little girl had a birthday party last weekend and invited all the little girls in class. It was in a venue open to the public with all sorts of people not associated with the party, so while she partied I sat to the side with Boo Bear (we paid our own way as we weren't part of the invite) and watched. Jean was pretty well behaved, got along well with the other classmates (though occasionally bossy) and thanked the hostess when it was time to go. I must admit I felt relief to see her acting normal.