Author Topic: Kicking out a new playgroup mom  (Read 37153 times)

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sammycat

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Re: Kicking out a new playgroup mom
« Reply #30 on: August 30, 2012, 09:07:06 PM »
If it were just the numerous questions, I might say that the mom should be given a second chance.

But prior to the group's meeting, she called one person 7 times over the space of a couple of days. Another mom reported her behavior as "aggressive" in finding out about the group. She contacted at least three people about the group, who all told her to contact the OP. She was so aggressive, in fact, that the OP did not follow her usual practice of meeting a new mom away from the group, but allowed her to just come to the next meeting.

Add in asking all those questions of multiple moms at the meeting and her aggressive behavior when the OP told her to stop with the questions, and I'd say there's more than enough evidence that she is not going to fit into the group.

There's something just "off" about her behavior.

That's exactly how I feel about it too. Even before she actually got to the playgroup meeting, her behaviour was off the scale in unacceptable.

OP, I hope this is the last you hear from this woman.

Lexophile

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Re: Kicking out a new playgroup mom
« Reply #31 on: August 31, 2012, 02:31:29 PM »
I still feel crappy about it, though. I wish I had met her first because rescinding a membership is more emotionally difficult on everyone than not having added her in the first place. Next time I meet in person, no exceptions.

This is exactly how these types of people wield power over others. They count on the guilt trip. You tried to do her a favor by making an exception for her convenience. You don't owe her anything. Chalk it up to a learning experience and tell yourself how proud you can be that you stood up for the safety and comfort of all the rest of your group.
"Submission to what people call their 'lot' is simply ignoble. If your lot makes you cry and be wretched, get rid of it and take another." - Elizabeth von Arnim

gramma dishes

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Re: Kicking out a new playgroup mom
« Reply #32 on: August 31, 2012, 02:43:41 PM »
Congratulations on being able to work up the courage to do what you had to do.

Hopefully, you won't NEED to update, because hopefully she'll drop it gracefully.  But my guess is there will be a sequel.   :-\

rose red

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Re: Kicking out a new playgroup mom
« Reply #33 on: August 31, 2012, 02:51:26 PM »
I kind of think you should send an email to the other members.  Just a heads-up without gossipy details so they are not caught off guard if this woman does call them. 

Say something like "Just an FYI, Mrs. X is no longer part of the play group."  That's just an idea.  I'm sure you or other posters have better wording.

Sara Crewe (previously Tia2)

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Re: Kicking out a new playgroup mom
« Reply #34 on: August 31, 2012, 03:10:00 PM »
I kind of think you should send an email to the other members.  Just a heads-up without gossipy details so they are not caught off guard if this woman does call them. 

Say something like "Just an FYI, Mrs. X is no longer part of the play group."  That's just an idea.  I'm sure you or other posters have better wording.

I agree with this.  If you don't, there is a risk she could ring one of the other mothers to find out your next location and show up to make a scene.  If there are multiple names in a CC on an email, I wouldn't notice one was missing or assume it was on purpose.  Equally, in an online group (I'm not sure exactly how your system works), I wouldn't notice one member having gone.

The point of the above is that if I knew someone was part of the group (from having seen them at a meeting) and hadn't been told that was no longer the case, I'd see nothing wrong with giving the information to someone who 'accidently erased the email' or 'was just calling to check the location'.

Edited to remove incorrect apostrophe.
« Last Edit: August 31, 2012, 03:28:09 PM by Tiamet »

gramma dishes

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Re: Kicking out a new playgroup mom
« Reply #35 on: August 31, 2012, 03:10:06 PM »
I kind of think you should send an email to the other members.  Just a heads-up without gossipy details so they are not caught off guard if this woman does call them. 

Say something like "Just an FYI, Mrs. X is no longer part of the play group."  That's just an idea.  I'm sure you or other posters have better wording.

I agree. 

TootsNYC

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Re: Kicking out a new playgroup mom
« Reply #36 on: August 31, 2012, 05:22:30 PM »
I still feel crappy about it, though. I wish I had met her first because rescinding a membership is more emotionally difficult on everyone than not having added her in the first place. Next time I meet in person, no exceptions.

This is exactly how these types of people wield power over others. They count on the guilt trip. You tried to do her a favor by making an exception for her convenience. You don't owe her anything. Chalk it up to a learning experience and tell yourself how proud you can be that you stood up for the safety and comfort of all the rest of your group.


Definitely a lesson for you in this, to be really, really firm about how you introduce people to the group to avoid this in the future.

I had something similar to this, and felt pretty bad about it. But boy, did I learn something!

PastryGoddess

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Re: Kicking out a new playgroup mom
« Reply #37 on: August 31, 2012, 05:49:43 PM »
I kind of think you should send an email to the other members.  Just a heads-up without gossipy details so they are not caught off guard if this woman does call them. 

Say something like "Just an FYI, Mrs. X is no longer part of the play group."  That's just an idea.  I'm sure you or other posters have better wording.

I agree with this.  If you don't, there is a risk she could ring one of the other mothers to find out your next location and show up to make a scene.  If there are multiple names in a CC on an email, I wouldn't notice one was missing or assume it was on purpose.  Equally, in an online group (I'm not sure exactly how your system works), I wouldn't notice one member having gone.

The point of the above is that if I knew someone was part of the group (from having seen them at a meeting) and hadn't been told that was no longer the case, I'd see nothing wrong with giving the information to someone who 'accidently erased the email' or 'was just calling to check the location'.

Edited to remove incorrect apostrophe.

The gatherings are done via Meetup if I'm not mistaken and usually Meetup has the location blocked unless you are a member of the group.  So even if someone did forward the email, she'd still have to be a member to see the location on the site

Knitterly

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Re: Kicking out a new playgroup mom
« Reply #38 on: August 31, 2012, 07:06:11 PM »
I kind of think you should send an email to the other members.  Just a heads-up without gossipy details so they are not caught off guard if this woman does call them. 

Say something like "Just an FYI, Mrs. X is no longer part of the play group."  That's just an idea.  I'm sure you or other posters have better wording.

I agree with this as well.  If she is as pushy as she sounds, she may find a quieter member of the group to get the location info out of.

I'm sorry that you're in such an awkward situation.  But for the good of the group, it may be best to give them a quiet heads-up.  They would probably appreciate it.

lovepickles

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Re: Kicking out a new playgroup mom
« Reply #39 on: August 31, 2012, 07:06:35 PM »
Small update:

Prior to dropping her and sending her notice Meetup emailed her with information on the next event that I am hosting. She responded to the event notice via Meetup messaging that said "I'm happy to join this event. Please sign me in." This happened hours after I removed her from the group and if she got the event notice then she MUST have received my removal notice. I sent the removal directly to her email and through the Meetup messaging just to be sure.

I'm kind of stumped here because I can't tell if she is ignoring me or simply doesn't get that she has been removed from the group. Or maybe she sent the email before she read the others. I might have kicked a dead horse but she freaked me out with her aggression so badly during our last event I wanted to be super clear so I responded by saying:

"I’m not sure if you got my earlier message but I will not be able to sign you into this event. I will not be able to maintain your enrollment in the (playgroup). I realize you are actively pursuing schooling options for your daughter and hope you can find the right fit soon."

I've struggled with this but it just doesn't feel right to notify others of her removal. Those who had issue with her expressed it to me and they knew of my response. I guess it is just like a big negative reminder to all about it not working out with a member. If by some off chance she does extract my address from a member and show up at my house I'm thinking I'll have to respond with more "it will not be possible" type responses. Something like:

 "It is upsetting you are here because I have said we cannot enroll you in the group. I feel like you are not listening to me and it makes me very uncomfortable. I understand you want to join us but as I have said before that it will not be possible."

I really, really hope it doesn't come to that but if it does ... How does that response sound?

LeveeWoman

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Re: Kicking out a new playgroup mom
« Reply #40 on: August 31, 2012, 07:10:36 PM »
That sounds fine to me. If she does show up, be sure to not let her inside because she sounds like the kind who'd be a nightmare to get out of your house.

Roses

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Re: Kicking out a new playgroup mom
« Reply #41 on: August 31, 2012, 07:11:17 PM »
I'm curious how she would get your address?  Hopefully others are not giving that out? If they are, you might have to proactively notify the other members so they don't tell her one thing, while you are telling her another. 

Peregrine

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Re: Kicking out a new playgroup mom
« Reply #42 on: August 31, 2012, 07:36:05 PM »
I would be discussing this issue with chapter leadership, and at least notifying them of the potential dust-up.  If this is something like a MOPS group your organization might have some overarching rules that need to be upheld.  It might also be useful to have a higher up person to punt your disappointed/angry dis-enrollee too.  Especially, if the meet up group is separate from your organization.

CreteGirl

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Re: Kicking out a new playgroup mom
« Reply #43 on: August 31, 2012, 11:55:54 PM »
While I think you did the right thing, I feel sorry for this woman as well.  It sounds like she is very interested in joining your organization, but was much too eager about it.

lovepickles

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Re: Kicking out a new playgroup mom
« Reply #44 on: September 01, 2012, 01:37:01 AM »
Ugh. I just heard back from her. This sucks because now I feel like some huge meanie. I'm still processing her statement below:

"I didn't find a school for daughter and I am so disappointed. May you please sign me in? (Child's name) is not ready for school yet and I am depending on the (playgroup).  I was happy to meet everyone at (last playgroup). Happy to open my home. Why are you deciding this for me please? Can you get back to me. Can we talk on the phone."

At least now I know she is aware of being removed and probably won't show up at my house. But I REALLY don't want to give her my phone number or have a conversation with her about it because she is so incredibly pushy and continually refuses to take no for an answer. I so completely do not feel safe around this woman. She is extremely aggressive. I did inform the chapter leaders of the situation but didn't get much from one except to contact the other.

But yes, I do feel for her and can understand her isolation. She's pretty good at explaining her feelings and what she wants so much that if she didn't freak me out so incredibly when I met her than after this email I might reconsider. But I remember the adrenaline and the fear and feeling almost like I was going to vomit after I got away from her. I can't imagine her doing that to another member and them sticking around for long. She just won't work with our dynamic.

What do I do? What do I say? I don't want to apologize because I feel her hooks already sinking into me. I'm not sorry about my decision. I'm just sorry she wants to be a part of something that isn't going to work with her extreme behavior. Everything I can think to say just sounds simply awful and cold and mean.

Can I ignore this? Can I simply just not respond? UGH. I hate this so much.