Kicking out a new playgroup mom

[NyaChan]

"WeirdMom,  we are unable to offer you membership in our playgroup.  This decision is final.  We wish you the best of luck in arranging schooling for your child."

[BC12]

I suppose you don't have to have to respond and can leave her hanging and wondering what went wrong, but she was polite and respectful in her response to you so I think it would be nice if you could give her at least an idea why.

"Some members felt uncomfortable by your aggressive demeanor at the last meeting. It's been decided that it's not a good fit for the group. That's all I can say on the matter. I honestly wish you the best in finding something that works for you and your daughter. Sincerely, lovepickles"

[MamaMootz]

I'm sure other people can phrase it better than me but my advice is:

Do not apologize. I can sense that you feel badly and she probably can, too. If she's that aggressive, she may be using it to get what she wants.

I would not use BC12's suggestion (sorry, BC) because by mentioning the aggressive demeanor or giving her a reason, you are also giving her a chance to argue against it ("What aggressive demeanor? I'm not aggressive, please call me to discuss") and on and on.

I like Nya Chan's phrasing best - the decision has been made, it is final, and we're done. If she keeps e-mailing you and trying to reach you, use TootsNYC's Patented Repeat and Repeat of the same phrase over and over again until she gets tired of it. But she will probably escalate her behavior before she stops completely. Be prepared.

Good luck - I don't envy you.

[BC12]

I would not use BC12's suggestion (sorry, BC)

No problem, and I get what you're saying. I should have added above that the OP shouldn't respond to any more emails from her. That's why I suggested to include "That's all I can say on the matter" so that hopefully, she'll either take the hint to not keep asking or if she does ask, she'll already have been given the reason why OP won't respond anymore.

[lovepickles]

Yes! Thank you. At first I composed a very long letter saying just how I felt about my interaction with her so she could see it from my point of view. Then I read it and was totally exhausted thinking about it. NyaChan you are sooo right. I practically cut and paste your response and said to her via email:

"I am unable to offer you enrollment in the (playgroup).  While the (playgroup) is a part of (local chapter) it does not guarantee enrollment. I understand this may be disappointing for you but the decision is final. I wish you the best of luck in arranging schooling for your child. I’m sure in time you will find the right fit."

So WeirdMom responds with:

"I was just checking if (daughter) would be ready to school the teacher said she is not ready. I changed my mind and she is with me I wouldn't try for a year or more for her to go to school. I might change myths who knows. Please keep me in. I want to stay in the (playgroup) at the (chapter). I was trying to contact you for a month and you finally emailed me I came to the first event right away. I wanted to meet the group so I can keep (daughter) sees other kids in regular vases while I teach her at home. I would appreciate you letting me make the decision. Thanks and have a lovely evening. Please keep in the (playgroup)."

I got this and instantly wanted it to be OVER so i fired off:

"I have received your multiple emails this evening regarding your needs and requests to participate in (playgroup). I have already stated on multiple occasions that it is not possible to enroll you in the (playgroup). Please do not contact me again regarding this issue."


More thoughts? Or are you as tired of this as I am? Incredible.

[NyaChan]

Wow, she is determined.  I think you have done whatever is necessary on your part and are fine to ignore her from now on.  She doesn't seem to get that the decision to make her a member is not simply a matter of her wanting to do it, does she? 

[MsMarjorie]

Your last email was great and when she contacts you again (because we know she will) then send it again one more time, after that stop responding.

[guihong]

Is there any chance she'll just show up for playgroup?  I hope she doesn't know where it is held.

[greencat]

I had a post all written out saying almost exactly the same thing.

I think your answer to my question I ask myself about my response to all boundary-tramplers (Do I want to be the doormat, or the door?) is definitely "Door!"

You should definitely send out an e-mail to the other group members informing them that WeirdMom is no longer part of the group, and that they please not give her information on the group's events and definitely not give her your contact information!

[BC12]

If you decide to address anything about this incident with your group, I'd suggest you be as vague as possible while still getting your point across without naming names. I don't think it's appropriate to talk about her with the other members. If she made any friends or contacts in her short time there, you'd be potentially destroying those relationships, and I truly think she does not deserve that.

I really think you should just let it drop, though. You told her very clearly that she was not welcomed back, and she understood what that meant. It would take a special brand of crazy/delusional to show up at your next meeting or at your house(!) and I just don't think any of us in this thread (including OP, who spent, what, like an hour? with her) can categorize her as crazy/delusional.

It seems unfair and a little mean to assume the worst of her, when it's more likely that she's maybe a little weird to begin with and SUPER EXCITED ("you finally emailed me I came to the first event right away") and eager to meet the other moms and get right in there. She doesn't need to be handled like she's a dangerous crazy person, until she does actual dangerous and crazy things.

[Penguin_ar]

At this point, I would ignore future emails from her.
If you hadn't responded already, I would have added some suggestions for things she can do with her daughter to your last email- being new in the area, she may not realise your group is (presumably) not the only one in town.  So suggestions for when the library story time is, a fun dance class for little girls etc.. to give her other outlets.

[greencat]

If you decide to address anything about this incident with your group, I'd suggest you be as vague as possible while still getting your point across without naming names. I don't think it's appropriate to talk about her with the other members. If she made any friends or contacts in her short time there, you'd be potentially destroying those relationships, and I truly think she does not deserve that.

I really think you should just let it drop, though. You told her very clearly that she was not welcomed back, and she understood what that meant. It would take a special brand of crazy/delusional to show up at your next meeting or at your house(!) and I just don't think any of us in this thread (including OP, who spent, what, like an hour? with her) can categorize her as crazy/delusional.

It seems unfair and a little mean to assume the worst of her, when it's more likely that she's maybe a little weird to begin with and SUPER EXCITED ("you finally emailed me I came to the first event right away") and eager to meet the other moms and get right in there. She doesn't need to be handled like she's a dangerous crazy person, until she does actual dangerous and crazy things.

But WeirdMom did do something a bit crazy - she was told that the contact person for the group wasn't available immediately and reacted by repeatedly calling the people she did have contact information for.  Then her behavior at the gathering was outright bizarre.  I would have felt pretty threatened by the Inquisition this woman undertook.

I don't see from her replies to the OP that she actually understood what it meant that she was not going to be able to be in the playgroup - she seems to think that it should be solely her decision to be in the playgroup and repeatedly e-mailed the OP to argue about it.  Unfortunately, many posts here on E-Hell exist solely because we are trying to deal with someone whose behavior significantly deviates from what is normal and/or logical, without making donkey's hind ends out of our own selves.

She may not be crazy or dangerous, but she's certainly unpleasant in a way that most people are unwilling to tolerate in a purely social setting.
She also appears to lack respect for boundaries that means that extra steps must be taken to enforce them.  This includes informing people that she's not part of the group and not to pass along information about the group to her.

However, it is true that you shouldn't gossip about her behavior - but this is E-Hell, and we already know that, right? 

[sammycat]

OP, your emails were perfect, and I would ignore any further contact from her. She's now doing the email/written version of her verbal harassment when she was trying  to join up. She sounds exhausting.

I would, however, forward all the correspondence onto your higher ups; as a combination heads up and CYA.

Doesn't she have any self-pride? I'd be too embarrassed to be seen as this needy/desperate 

[LeveeWoman]

I'm not sure I'd respond again because it might fuel her stalking.

[BC12]

But WeirdMom did do something a bit crazy - she was told that the contact person for the group wasn't available immediately and reacted by repeatedly calling the people she did have contact information for.  Then her behavior at the gathering was outright bizarre.

An etiquette faux pas (more than one) and a terrible first impression, absolutely. Not necessarily "crazy."

I don't see from her replies to the OP that she actually understood what it meant that she was not going to be able to be in the playgroup -

She said, "Please keep me in. I want to stay in the (playgroup) at the (chapter)" and "Please keep in the (playgroup)." This indicates that she understands she's being kicked out.

She may not be crazy or dangerous, but she's certainly unpleasant in a way that most people are unwilling to tolerate in a purely social setting.
She also appears to lack respect for boundaries that means that extra steps must be taken to enforce them.  This includes informing people that she's not part of the group and not to pass along information about the group to her.

Unpleasant, sure, I can agree with that. It's really unnecessary to inform the whole group that she's out. It's overkill.

However, it is true that you shouldn't gossip about her behavior - but this is E-Hell, and we already know that, right?

Not sure what you meant by this?