Author Topic: In-laws unclean house  (Read 9925 times)

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JenJay

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Re: In-laws unclean house
« Reply #45 on: September 07, 2012, 08:19:59 AM »
My heart goes out to your DH. Not only has he lost his mother but he's losing the relationship he's always had with his dad and sister, too. Is he willing to sit down with them and have a difficult chat? Maybe if he points out the elephant in the room and offers to help them start slowly going through things and cleaning up (assuming that's something he'd be able to do)? The dust health hazard is the surface issue, but it isn't the real issue.  :-\

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Re: In-laws unclean house
« Reply #46 on: September 07, 2012, 11:21:37 AM »
I've never had to deal with a situation like that, but what about making a sort of shrine to the mother in a prominent place in the house, gathering a lot of her stuff there, and then cleaning the rest? That way it shows the importance of the mother's things, and the remembrance of her, but they aren't in the way of cleaning the rest of the house.

Tigger

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Re: In-laws unclean house
« Reply #47 on: September 07, 2012, 11:37:47 AM »
OP

Take from a mother of a 2 year old.  This situation is only going to get worse as your child walks, climbs, runs and basically gets
into to everything!!  Not all children are the same but I can see from my friends kids there is no way that you can hold a two year
old for long on your lap.  It just will not happen. 

I know that's not what you want to hear.  So your choices are a) tell them how you feel and maybe offer to get them some help
to clean and declutter  b)grin and bare it or c)change the family tradition. 

Your husband may have to understand in order to keep your kid safe he may have to give up somethings.  You can always spend time with your in-laws, just somewhere else. 




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lmyrs

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Re: In-laws unclean house
« Reply #48 on: September 07, 2012, 11:05:11 PM »
I think you need to start with your DH. First, I am 100% sympathetic with the desire to go to a grandparents at Christmas. I did it every year from birth till my parents divorce when I was 14. And I have nothing but fond memories of the days and nights spent with aunts, uncles, cousins, etc. And, if I had chilfren, I'd want them to have that too. And, while I agree with those who say they don't want to travel at all on the holidays, I also think it's not the solution for everyone, and is clearly not your ideal solution. So, your DH has a decision to make. And so do you. Is it important enough to you to maintain the tradition that you're willing to have the uncomfortable conversation to make it happen. It is not feasible to keep going along as you have been and it's unhealthy and potentially dangerous. And you're not going to get your ILs to change by wishing for it.

So, I think your DH needs to have an open and honest conversation with his family about why you won't be visiting their home in its current condition. No side-stepping, no half-truths. Plain facts. Because if it's really about the dirt, then you can't ask them to solve the clutter and hope the dirt follows or vice versa. You need to figure out exactly what it would take to make you comfortable and give them that information. Nothing else is going to work. And it will either open their eyes or it won't but at least you've laid all your cards on the table and you let the chips fall where they may.

Lindee

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Re: In-laws unclean house
« Reply #49 on: September 07, 2012, 11:38:46 PM »
I had a friend like that when my son was born. She had been so helpful and friendly to me when I moved to a new area that I tried to ignore her filthy house.  I brought a baby blanket with me to put over the horrible carpet, did not go into the bathroom ever again etc. But when my son started crawling, that was it. She was welcome to come to my place but my son was not going to crawl or walk on that floor.  It was easier for me as she wasn't a relative and I didn't "have" to visit but if your IL's place is that disgusting then you have to decide if your child's health is less important than their feelings.

Talk to them. Outline your concerns. If they can't or won't make their house safe for your child then really they don't deserve a visit, but that is their choice.

Bethalize

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Re: In-laws unclean house
« Reply #50 on: September 08, 2012, 05:31:42 AM »
I suggest talking, but not in a discussion way , in a boundary setting way. "We aren't going to visit if the place isn't baby safe, which means clean and uncluttered." People only change when the pain of changing is less than the fear of changing. So you apply consequences and wait to see where they go.