Author Topic: Don't Drink from my Bottle! - Update #52  (Read 12208 times)

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Minmom3

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Re: Don't Drink from my Bottle!
« Reply #45 on: September 03, 2012, 01:06:54 PM »
If your SIL comes to visit you, I'd hide your toothbrushes.  If she is this cavalier about drinking out of someone else's bottle or glass, I wouldn't put it past her to use someone else's toothbrush.  And if the gums bleed, that would make the transmission risk that much higher!

Do people do that? That seems like a stretch to me.

Yes, it they do.  My niece was shocked when my son yelled at her for using his toothbrush while she was here visiting. In her house, everyone shares toothbrushes, so she just grabbed the first one she saw in the bathroom.

And THAT, ladies and gentlemen, is how my youngest BIL, at a very tender age, gave ALL his siblings mumps.  BIL was 3, to be fair,  and was severely chastised, BUT - eldest BIL was 16, and did have severe fertility issues when he married (he's got a very expensive daughter, and the fertility treatments did not get him a second child); DH was 14 and lucked out and had no fertility repercussions, nor did any of the younger boys and their one sister.  But that toothbrush sharing event cost eldest BIL about $60,000 in 1989 and 1990, when he and SIL were trying to conceive.
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Twik

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Re: Don't Drink from my Bottle!
« Reply #46 on: September 04, 2012, 02:55:24 PM »
I asked DH about this and he said that it was a weird family thing and to quote, "I grew out of and she didn't."  I'm wondering if it isn't some weird domination thing.

I was thinking something further along the lines of domination/control, too... but it might be a bit of a stretch. Is it in any way possible that she is doing this on purpose you to *dare* you to say something to her about it, to enable to go all drama-queen "BarensMom won't let me drink out of her bottle because she thinks I'm contagious! She is being mean to me about my disease!! Woe is me!"
I don't know her, of course, so I'm asking you: is this a possibility?

I was thinking it might involve some denial of her status as a carrier of a serious disease. "I'll share drinking surfaces with everyone else, because I wouldn't do that if I were sick, right? That's proof I'm actually OK."
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BarensMom

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Re: Don't Drink from my Bottle!
« Reply #47 on: September 04, 2012, 05:44:05 PM »
I asked DH about this and he said that it was a weird family thing and to quote, "I grew out of and she didn't."  I'm wondering if it isn't some weird domination thing.

I was thinking something further along the lines of domination/control, too... but it might be a bit of a stretch. Is it in any way possible that she is doing this on purpose you to *dare* you to say something to her about it, to enable to go all drama-queen "BarensMom won't let me drink out of her bottle because she thinks I'm contagious! She is being mean to me about my disease!! Woe is me!"
I don't know her, of course, so I'm asking you: is this a possibility?

I was thinking it might involve some denial of her status as a carrier of a serious disease. "I'll share drinking surfaces with everyone else, because I wouldn't do that if I were sick, right? That's proof I'm actually OK."

You may be right - she was also talking about dry-shaving her legs in my car "because the light lets me see the hairs." :o   I strongly discouraged her from doing that.

I'm going to see her tomorrow and my car will be "dry," which is what my husband would prefer anyway.  If she goes for my drink in the restaurant, I'll follow E-Hell's advice and post an update tomorrow p.m.

NyaChan

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Re: Don't Drink from my Bottle!
« Reply #48 on: September 04, 2012, 06:40:41 PM »
Good luck!  Guard your drink well!

GraceSullivan

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Re: Don't Drink from my Bottle!
« Reply #49 on: September 04, 2012, 07:16:20 PM »
Posting for updates!

One thought, do you feel a little uncomfortable saying something because this has gone on so long and you haven't said anything?  Kind of an 'elephant in the middle of the room' type of thing?

Also, I don't think that you should have to give up what you like, a drink in the car and something other than water at a meal.  You've gotten some good advice about what to say and do, though, so I'll leave you to it!  ;)

BarensMom

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Re: Don't Drink from my Bottle!
« Reply #50 on: September 04, 2012, 07:52:43 PM »
Posting for updates!

One thought, do you feel a little uncomfortable saying something because this has gone on so long and you haven't said anything?  Kind of an 'elephant in the middle of the room' type of thing?

Also, I don't think that you should have to give up what you like, a drink in the car and something other than water at a meal.  You've gotten some good advice about what to say and do, though, so I'll leave you to it!  ;)

This is a very recent problem as she has only started doing (or I've just noticed) this the past 2-3 times we've been together.  I thought bringing her a bottle of her own would stop the problem.

To be honest, the woman is a (recovering) drug addict of almost 50 years duration.  I don't want to be overly blunt because I don't know how she'll react.  I don't think she's ever been violent, but who knows?

gramma dishes

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Re: Don't Drink from my Bottle!
« Reply #51 on: September 04, 2012, 08:09:35 PM »
 


This is a very recent problem as she has only started doing (or I've just noticed) this the past 2-3 times we've been together.  I thought bringing her a bottle of her own would stop the problem.

To be honest, the woman is a (recovering) drug addict of almost 50 years duration.  I don't want to be overly blunt because I don't know how she'll react.  I don't think she's ever been violent, but who knows?

Being a recovering "anything" does not come into play here. 

What she's doing is rude and potentially dangerous.  It doesn't matter in the least whether or not she's used alcohol or drugs or anything else in the past.  What she's doing is just plain disgusting and, given her known illness, morally reprehensible -- now.

BarensMom

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Re: Don't Drink from my Bottle! - Update #52
« Reply #52 on: September 05, 2012, 07:37:37 PM »
Update:

I picked up SIL this p.m. and the first thing she did after getting into the car was pull out a razor and start shaving her legs.  I reacted, "Don't do that - it's dangerous!  You can't do that in a moving car!"  She replied "Oh yeah, I hate band-aids," and stopped.

I didn't bring any liquid in the car - I killed off my soda and dumped the bottle before I picked her up.  The absence of drinks wasn't mentioned.  When we got to the restaurant, I held on to my Diet Dr. Pepper for dear life, even taking it into the restroom with me, and drained it before we left.

She made a big deal about only having a box of Cheerios in her apartment and no money until Saturday, so I took her to Walmart.  I spent $25 and she selected junk food and an $8 lipstick (she did ask if it was okay).  However, as we passing the frozen food aisle I asked her if she needed anything to actually make a meal and she said she still had pot pies at home, but she didn't want to eat "just pot pies."   I think after that, I'm going to limit myself to sympathetic noises when she complains about her lack of food.

When I got home, I told my DH about the dry-shaving attempt, and he said "You gotta be kidding.  Who does that?"  I said, "Your sister."  He then muttered something about her being a weirdo and went about his business.
« Last Edit: September 05, 2012, 07:40:31 PM by BarensMom »

I'mnotinsane

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Re: Don't Drink from my Bottle! - Update #52
« Reply #53 on: September 05, 2012, 08:06:44 PM »
While you won the battle (congrats) but you should have been completely honest with her and called her out how disgusting it is to shave your legs in someone else's car.  She is looking for a fight.  I would give it to her and then drop her off at home.  She wants to be part of a family?  Enjoy rides/outings in your car?  Have you buy her things?  She can play by your rules or suffer the consequences.

GraceSullivan

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Re: Don't Drink from my Bottle! - Update #52
« Reply #54 on: September 05, 2012, 08:22:58 PM »
While you won the battle (congrats) but you should have been completely honest with her and called her out how disgusting it is to shave your legs in someone else's car.  She is looking for a fight.  I would give it to her and then drop her off at home.  She wants to be part of a family?  Enjoy rides/outings in your car?  Have you buy her things?  She can play by your rules or suffer the consequences.

And its more then just disgusting when the person involved, the one who might be bleeding all over the car, has hepC. :o

johelenc1

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Re: Don't Drink from my Bottle! - Update #52
« Reply #55 on: September 05, 2012, 08:25:46 PM »
Does the sun not shine where she lives?  Does she live in a cave?  How is it that the only "light" she can shave her legs by is in your car?  That's just crazy.  You had already told her you didn't want her to do that.  She did it anyway.  I agree you should have kicked her out of the car right there.

She is most definitely pushing the boundaries and seeing how much she can get away with.  She stopped the legs, "because I don't like band-aids", not to honor your request.  Basically, she was saying, if the car wasn't moving it would be ok.

Also, why did you let her buy a $7 lipstick?  You thought she was nearly starving.  Once she picked up the lipstick, it should have been clear she was only using you.  I would continue/start setting even more clear boundaries with her.  If you think she needs food, take her some pasta and sauce. 

Hmmmmm

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Re: Don't Drink from my Bottle! - Update #52
« Reply #56 on: September 05, 2012, 08:26:30 PM »
You are a very nice person. I know that you often hear on this board "let your DH deal with her" but I understand we some times take on challenges we don't enjoy for our loved ones.  If your DH forgets to say thanks, remember that others are recognizing your kindness.

BarensMom

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Re: Don't Drink from my Bottle! - Update #52
« Reply #57 on: September 05, 2012, 10:23:41 PM »
Believe me, all, my car will never stop long enough for her to do that again.  The dry-shaving is something I will not put up with, even if I have to force DH to back me up in dealing with her.  I'm not going to pay $$$$ to have guys in hazmat suits clean my car.

Since she asked and it was only $7-8, I let the lipstick go this time.  I was more irritated that she was using my money to buy junk food instead of buying meat and vegetables for proper meals, then complaining about blood sugar levels and the side effects of her methadone treatment in TMI detail.  No more grocery shopping with/for her - period.  In the future, if I make extra of something that freezes and keeps well (like meatloaf), I'll take her that and consider it good.

My DH says she was never taught to reason things through, so she's just living day to day, clueless as to how the consequences of her actions affect herself and others.  How two siblings could be so different, I'll never know.


Minmom3

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Re: Don't Drink from my Bottle! - Update #52
« Reply #58 on: September 05, 2012, 10:54:52 PM »
Didn't you say somewhere up thread that she started drugs pretty early, which is why her emotional development is that of a 12 year old?  I've seen an awful lot of girls that age who might act that cluelessly, and it's not so much malignant boundary pushing as it is mental vacuum.   Doesn't mean you don't pull her up short when she behaves like that, but yeah, I can easily believe that she was taught/told better than she's acting, but it didn't take because she was too drugged out to hear it as more than babble. 

I personally would spend as little time around her as possible, because she sounds exhausting, like a large and hyperactive puppy who thinks it has more privileges than it in fact does have.
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BarensMom

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Re: Don't Drink from my Bottle! - Update #52
« Reply #59 on: September 05, 2012, 11:25:32 PM »
Didn't you say somewhere up thread that she started drugs pretty early, which is why her emotional development is that of a 12 year old?  I've seen an awful lot of girls that age who might act that cluelessly, and it's not so much malignant boundary pushing as it is mental vacuum.   Doesn't mean you don't pull her up short when she behaves like that, but yeah, I can easily believe that she was taught/told better than she's acting, but it didn't take because she was too drugged out to hear it as more than babble. 

I personally would spend as little time around her as possible, because she sounds exhausting, like a large and hyperactive puppy who thinks it has more privileges than it in fact does have.


You're right, it is exhausting.  I only try to visit her once-twice/month because I always come back tired and a bit irritated.