Author Topic: Not a liar  (Read 10082 times)

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Sharnita

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Re: Not a liar
« Reply #15 on: August 31, 2012, 01:03:08 PM »
It's not so much that I want to impress them as it is the implication (and occasional outright accusation) that I'm being dishonest or exaggerating her abilities is starting to really grate on me.  I fully expect it to get worse as she gets older, which is why I'm looking to nip it in the bud now.

snip

Why?  Honestly, just because she is talking at an early age doesn't mean she be any more advanced in others.  My DD was fully conversant at 11 months.  I am not exageratting.  I think at 12 months they said most kids have around 50 word vocabulary.  At 12 months, there weren't many words DD didn't understand and could use tripple the average child.  My DS didn't really talk much till 24 months.  Today is is the star student while DD is an average student. 

To stop the aggravation, stop talking about it.  It's not a competition between your child and your sibling's kids.  When your mom talks about the other kids, be excited for what is going on in their lives don't compare it to your child.

My understanding is that OP expects that her parents will be dismissive of whatever DD is doing whether it is advanced or not.  And I think that if you can't share your enjoyment of your kids with your own parents then you might not want to talk to them about anything, not just your kids. 

LeveeWoman

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Re: Not a liar
« Reply #16 on: August 31, 2012, 01:12:04 PM »
It's not so much that I want to impress them as it is the implication (and occasional outright accusation) that I'm being dishonest or exaggerating her abilities is starting to really grate on me.  I fully expect it to get worse as she gets older, which is why I'm looking to nip it in the bud now.

snip

Why?  Honestly, just because she is talking at an early age doesn't mean she be any more advanced in others.  My DD was fully conversant at 11 months.  I am not exageratting.  I think at 12 months they said most kids have around 50 word vocabulary.  At 12 months, there weren't many words DD didn't understand and could use tripple the average child.  My DS didn't really talk much till 24 months.  Today is is the star student while DD is an average student. 

To stop the aggravation, stop talking about it.  It's not a competition between your child and your sibling's kids.  When your mom talks about the other kids, be excited for what is going on in their lives don't compare it to your child.

My understanding is that OP expects that her parents will be dismissive of whatever DD is doing whether it is advanced or not.  And I think that if you can't share your enjoyment of your kids with your own parents then you might not want to talk to them about anything, not just your kids.

I agree. I imagine Knitterly's little girl will one day soon pick up on how her grandmother favors her aunt and cousin.

Sophia

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Re: Not a liar
« Reply #17 on: August 31, 2012, 01:22:10 PM »
It's not so much that I want to impress them as it is the implication (and occasional outright accusation) that I'm being dishonest or exaggerating her abilities is starting to really grate on me.  ...

The underlined is what I would start out working on.  Why are continuing to socialize with people that outright say you lie?  When it happened, I would get them to either clarify that yes, they are calling me a liar, or back down.  If they said I was a liar, then I would leave.   

I also don't think I could stand to listen to my parents talk on and on about their other grandkids.  Yes, I would want to hear about them but not a long conversation. 

Overall, I would feel like they were telling me that me and mine aren't worthwhile. 

bah12

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Re: Not a liar
« Reply #18 on: August 31, 2012, 01:25:40 PM »
Why is it important that they know and acknowledge her development?

I don't have kids, just 4 grown stepkids and thus several GKs under 6. I couldn't tell you which ones were ahead, behind, or right on schedule as far as walking, talking, etc. Who cares? as long as they eventually walk and talk.

I can't speak for the OP, but I don't think that's it.  For me, if my parents were this dismissive everytime I talked about my child, I would feel as if they didn't care.  My mom is probably the one person that I can go on and on about my child with and absolutely loves and encourages the conversation.
My parents encourage me to talk about DD and it's nice to have someone that gets that excited about your kid (no one else will...nor should they be expected to).  And while I can understand that not every grandparent would enjoy these discussions as much as my parents, being called a liar everytime I said something about my child's development would just hurt.   

cicero

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Re: Not a liar
« Reply #19 on: August 31, 2012, 01:32:06 PM »
It's not so much that I want to impress them as it is the implication (and occasional outright accusation) that I'm being dishonest or exaggerating her abilities is starting to really grate on me.  I fully expect it to get worse as she gets older, which is why I'm looking to nip it in the bud now.

For example, the last time I visited my mother, she spent the entire time bragging about Sister One's kids or Sister Two's kids, talking about their development, how big they are, how advanced they are for their ages.  And she ignored LK - except to point out how small and delicate she is.   Which she is.  She's very small for her age - in the 10th percentile.


sounds like this is more about your mom bragging about the other kids, and ignorning yours. it *is* very frustrating - i had this when ds was born, he has a first cousin who is 3 days older than he is. no matter *what*I told them that  DS did, i was told that his cousin already did that thing, and better. at some point i stopped mentioning his milestones to MIL, and i just focused on my kid.

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WillyNilly

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Re: Not a liar
« Reply #20 on: August 31, 2012, 01:33:39 PM »
It sounds to me this isn't about your daughter, or you being called a liar.  At all.

This about you not feeling as loved, noticed or worthy from your parents in comparison to the other siblings.  And I think you can call your mom out on that.  Next time she goes on and on about how awesome your sisters and their kids are, sigh wearily and just say it to your mom "yeah mom, I get it.  Sister is better and more loved and her kids are better.  Honestly I got it years ago, by now you are just rubbing it in.  If you don't hate me completely please stop telling me how much better everyone else is then me and my kid or else I'm just going to have to stop having a relationship with you."

I called my mom out on my brother being her favorite.  And I made sure to point out what it did to him and their relationship.  He never had to work for her love and admiration, he just got it automatically and I got the scoldings and the criticisms.  I had to work hard at getting any love and recognition.  And then my brother moved away.  And he still expects he can do no wrong and walks on water.  And I'm the one here left holding the family together because if I didn't I wouldn't be loved at all.  My mom took about a week to properly respond.  But when she did she apologized and recognized she had done what I'd said to a great extent... and that she had thought about it and that I had grown up to be the better person, and now while she loves my brother dearly, she actually having truly thought about it, likes me more.  She also said it in part started because my brother needed the reassurance more as a kid, whereas I came across as stronger and she felt pushing me would help me, because I didn't need coddling, whereas my brother couldn't have handled the pushing, and eventually she just got used to that dynamic.

It wasn't a fun conversation either time, and it hurt me to say it and it hurt my mom to hear it, but ultimately I think it was the best thing i could have ever done as far as my relationship with my mom.

Cami

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Re: Not a liar
« Reply #21 on: August 31, 2012, 02:37:30 PM »
My mother had a difficult time believing me about my dd's milestones, preferences, or habits.

 One example I remember clearly was me telling her that dd could stand while holding onto nothing more than my finger at 3 months.  She kept insisting I was imagining it. I sent her a photo of dd holding onto my finger and standing. I had somehow "doctored" the photo. I sent her a video. I had somehow "doctored" the video. My mother lived 1500 miles away and she wasn't seeing her regularly, so when she came out to visit when dd was 4 months old, my dh made sure that dd was standing in front of the door holding just his finger when she walked in the door. I can still remember my mother shrieking, "CRUD MONKEYS!, you weren't lying! I told all of my friends and the whole family you were. Oops." Gee, thanks, Mom. Thanks a bunch.

This scenario played itself out over and over and over.  And each time, my mother would be proven wrong. To her UTTER shock.  At no point did she ever consider that I was right and she was wrong about dd's milestones or that I might know more about my child's preferences and habits than she did (even though I was with her daily and my mother only saw her twice a year).  I realized that was because my mother fell prey to that all-too-common human malady of believing, "My experiences are universal." She extrapolated her own experiences with her own children onto dd, assuming that (somehow) dd had to be a carbon copy of me and my sister (who were hardly carbon copies of each other). No amount of evidence to the contrary every cured her of this condition.

I ended up editing my discussions of or stories that included any mention of dd's milestones, habits and preference with her. It was annoying to do so, but far less annoying than dealing with her disbelief and being called a liar.

OP, I think the issue of your mother seemingly preferring your sister's children is something you need to consider and watch carefully. Or rather, I would. I have strong issues with favoritism being continued through to the grandchildren.
« Last Edit: August 31, 2012, 02:41:25 PM by Cami »

Jaelle

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Re: Not a liar
« Reply #22 on: August 31, 2012, 02:48:59 PM »
I had a similar situation with some family members, if a bit opposite your situation. It's a little different because DS1 was older and has a disability ... and some kids with his disability never do learn to talk that well. We know he has a disability; we love him no less. However, he did start both walking and talking at an age that wasn't that far off from so-called "normal."

However, he just didn't talk really at all around one family member. I don't know why. And when I'd talk about his latest accomplishment, she started giving me PA little comments about how it was OK, that we should love him just as much if he never talked, etc. To me, it felt like she was saying my proud comments about how he said "Mama!" last week were just fictions made up to make us feel better.  ??? 

I just had to learn to ignore it. (Though, my, did I grit my teeth a lot.)  And eventually DS did start chattering away around her and the look on her face was priceless. :D  It will solve itself.

I don't know how to deal with the favoritism issues. :(  But good luck.
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learningtofly

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Re: Not a liar
« Reply #23 on: August 31, 2012, 02:56:48 PM »
I understand.  It is fascinating watching kids grow up.   Not only watching them learn to walk and talk, but watching them learn to think and do for themselves.  I call my mother with the best stories and the best part is that she listens to me.  She never questions what I tell her about DD's abilities.  She knows she'll see these things in time.

Tell my FIL about something brilliant DD has done and the response is, "Of course, she's my granddaughter."  So glad I had nothing to do with her brilliance  ::)

It may be affecting Little Knit's relationship with them.  DD would not say hi or bye to my ILs once she learned to talk.  She won't say goodbye if she doesn't want someone to leave, but it is a huge fight getting her to say hi and bye to my ILs.  She doesn't feel the need.

You know Little Knit is special and if they can't appreciate that then it is their loss.  I wouldn't tell them about her achievements.  Not believing you and making fun of you to your face means that they don't get to know these things as they happen.  They'll either learn to appreciate her accomplishments in time or they won't.  Either way she has a great mom who loves her.

GrammarNerd

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Re: Not a liar
« Reply #24 on: August 31, 2012, 03:10:57 PM »
I agree that the real issue seems to be not the belief of your claims, but that your mom just doesn't seem to care to find out if they're the truth or not, and doesn't seem to care to get to know your DD to find out.  She just seems to prefer the other Gkids, correct?  To the point of talking about them incessantly and saying nothing about your dd?

My MIL would do that about niece.  Niece was 10 months older than our DS, and they babysat for her part of each week, and thus were around her a LOT.  Whenever ILs came to visit, it wasn't very long before they were going on and on about Niece this and Niece that.  Often when we visited ILs and Niece, SIL and BIL were there, MIL would STILL spend more time with Niece and dote on her.  When DS was about 9 months old, we took a car trip with ILs to visit relatives.  Goodness, I got SO sick of hearing about Niece!  I mean, it was everything, right down to her pooping habits!  I mean, they were actually WITH their other grandchild for a long amount of time, finally, and it was like they couldn't even take the time to enjoy him and get to know HIM for who he was, without going on about Niece.  The final straw during the trip was when we went shopping and went into a kids store.  MIL immediately headed for the girls section and couldn't stop talking about buying something for Niece, with not a word for or thought about DS, who was right there!  I was livid.  MIL did offer to get DS something, but I think it was after I got very quiet and she maybe realized that she was ignoring DS.  And the thing she offered to get him was exactly what she got Niece, and it was impractical for DS and his age and development level, which further cemented it in my mind that she was just so wrapped up in Niece that she couldn't see or appreciate DS for who HE was.

We did talk to them about the favoritism, and of course they denied it.  And then MIL went overboard trying to make it seem like there was no favoritism, but it was so transparent.

None of this was helped by SIL, who seemed to have entitlement issues with her parents' time.  OP, do your sisters seem to think that they have dibs on your mom's attention because their kids are older?  And could that be why your sisters don't say anything about your DD's accomplishments?  Or does your mom seem to act like this at all?

In my situation, it got worse before it got better.  What helped me at least get my frustration out was to write MIL a letter and I laid it all out.  I never mailed or gave her the letter, but when I would get frustrated, I would go back and read the letter to myself.  Sometimes I would add some things to it.  One of the lines I remember that I 'said' to my MIL was that I wanted her to get to know DS for the great kid he was, and not just as a poor substitute for niece when she wasn't there, because that's all it seemed he was when she constantly talked about niece in our presence.  (Once again, I never actually did say this to MIL; it was only in the letter I never sent.)

I sort of like what WillyNilly said about about calling your mom out on it.  BUT, I think you have to do it in such a way so that you don't come off as jealous. Because then your mom will just dismiss your concerns anyway.

One thing that worked for me: my MIL had a habit of inviting SIL and their family whenever we were doing something with them.  It was annoying b/c I just wanted my kids to spend some time with their grandparents without the other grandkids(who got to see them way more frequently).  Finally, I'd had enough and told her, "Oh, that's OK.  We can just stay here if you'd rather go to dinner with SIL.  We'll go with you another time."  I kind of called her bluff and let her know very politely that I wasn't going to go if SIL was there.  (MIL called SIL and uninvited her.)  But could you do something like that?  Make conversation about your DD and see how your mom responds.  If she makes conversation about and engages with your DD, great.  But if she talks about your sisters and their kids, don't respond, and then redirect her back to LK or other topics.  Do that a certain number of times (like 3 strikes and you're out), and then if she does it again, get up and start leaving.  If your mother questions it, tell her that it seems that she seems preoccupied with sisters and their kids, so you'll just come back another time when she can spend some quality time with LK.  Be cheery about it, like you're doing both her and LK a favor.  "It's not fair to LK to have her time with you interrupted by stories about her cousins when you're obviously missing them, and she's growing so much lately and is learning so many new things that I think it would just be better for you to spend time with her when you can give her your full attention." 

If she balks, just remind her that you've listened to this, that and the other thing from her, yet all she's said is that LK is small.  Be prepared to have her get huffy and accuse you of not wanting to hear about your sisters' kids.  And you can always point out that you did hear about them, but that's not why you came to see her; you came to see her to give her some time to enjoy LK and she dosn't sem to be doing that.  You could also point out that you're a relatively new mom, LK is YOUR child, you're proud of her and you love her, and you want others, especially her grandmother, to be proud of her and want to talk about her too.  And it's no fun when LK is right there and she can't seem to enjoy her b/c she's so wrapped up in the other grandkids.

Sorry that was so long.  I remember this so well and it strikes a nerve with me.  (Oh, and DS is now a young teen and I have a MUCH better relationship with my MIL.  It did take several years though.   But my kids do things that SIL's kids don't, and MIL really seems to enjoy them now, for who THEY are.)


yokozbornak

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Re: Not a liar
« Reply #25 on: August 31, 2012, 03:16:24 PM »
POD to Cicero and WillyNilly.  This definitely sounds like a favoritism issue.  I imagine that Little Knit could bring world peace and cure cancer, and your mom would say, "That's great - did your sister tell you that niece ate glue at school? Isn't that adorable?"   

Does your sister live close to your mom?  Has sister always been mom's favorite?  It sounds like your mom has not really connected with Little Knit and doesn't get what all the fuss is about.  That doesn't make her actions right at all, but you trying to constantly prove something to her isn't helping the situation because she won't get it and you end up being hurt and frustrated.  I think your best bet is calling her out on it.  Ask her why she thinks you are liar.  Ask her why she seems so dismissive of Little Knit's milestones.  She will either get it or she will get defensive, buy at least it will be out in the open.

Finally, you need to stop trying to impress her.  You can still choose to share milestones with her, but don't have the expectation that she will care.  You need to draw your support from people who do care and not waste your emotional energy on her.

SuperMartianRobotGirl

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Re: Not a liar
« Reply #26 on: August 31, 2012, 03:20:21 PM »
It's not so much that I want to impress them as it is the implication (and occasional outright accusation) that I'm being dishonest or exaggerating her abilities is starting to really grate on me.  I fully expect it to get worse as she gets older, which is why I'm looking to nip it in the bud now.

snip

Why?  Honestly, just because she is talking at an early age doesn't mean she be any more advanced in others.  My DD was fully conversant at 11 months.  I am not exageratting.  I think at 12 months they said most kids have around 50 word vocabulary.  At 12 months, there weren't many words DD didn't understand and could use tripple the average child.  My DS didn't really talk much till 24 months.  Today is is the star student while DD is an average student. 

To stop the aggravation, stop talking about it.  It's not a competition between your child and your sibling's kids.  When your mom talks about the other kids, be excited for what is going on in their lives don't compare it to your child.

Agreed. Also, everyone has heard parents exaggerate about their kids. You know the "Lake Wobegon, where all the kids are above average" kind of thing. Which doesn't mean yours isn't advanced. She might very well be, but it explains why people are cynical. Just stop bringing it up and let them enjoy where she's at rather than worrying about whether she can do one thing or another yet. It doesn't matter. It isn't a race.

turnip

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Re: Not a liar
« Reply #27 on: August 31, 2012, 03:37:55 PM »
I agree with everyone that the favoritism is what you need to resolve, not the accomplishments and lying.  If you take your daughter over to your Mom's and all she can do is talk about how great her other grandchildren are, then that needs to be addressed before you continue taking your daughter over there. 

The other part I really agree with is this
It doesn't matter. It isn't a race.

Look, my daughter is a super-genius at 18 months, so I know where you are coming from there - but my son is mentally disabled so I know the other end of the spectrum too.   Enjoy your daughter, love your daughter, delight in your daughter's every new skill, but don't use them to 'prove' to your family that she is more loveable.   She is lovable because she is yours, that's all that should matter to you and everyone else. 

kareng57

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Re: Not a liar
« Reply #28 on: August 31, 2012, 03:51:27 PM »
I have to agree with some PPs - just stop talking about it.

Part of the problem might be that you have the impression that your daughter is very advanced.  I'm sorry, but starting to walk and knowing 15 words at 11 months of age is very "average".  Do you think that it might be possible that they're feeling a bit irritated if you're frequently trying to get them to acknowledge her accomplishments?

Your mom is right about one thing - she'll start conversing with other people when she's ready.  Pressuring her to say "hi" and "bye" at this age is only going to lead to frustration - for everyone involved.

JenJay

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Re: Not a liar
« Reply #29 on: August 31, 2012, 03:52:48 PM »
I can relate. One of my children has always been very quick to pick up on things. I mean crawling to the tub upon hearing the word "bath" at 8 months old, having a 30+ word vocabulary at the 12mo check-up, self-taught reading at age 4, etc. I used to blog about the funny things my kids did (now I Facebook it) and one time an acquaintance commented "Your stories about your kids are cute, even though I think you take a lot of 'creative liscense' with the details." Wow was I ticked! Don't ask me (or choose to read) about my children and then accuse me of lying! It's not so much that he didn't believe the things my kiddo did and said, it was that he thought I was the kind of person who'd inflate my child's abilities for, what? My own ego? It was upsetting that someone would think of me that way. If it'd have been a close friend or relative I would have been even more upset.

The PPs are right, you won't change her and there's no reason to upset yourself with her denials. If I were you I'd stop telling the nay-sayers about DD's accomplishments. If asked I'd say "She's great!" and answer yes/no questions without further details. Eventually they'll see for themselves how bright she is and hopefully they'll be ashamed at having doubted you.