Author Topic: Not a liar  (Read 9688 times)

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MrsJWine

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Re: Not a liar
« Reply #30 on: August 31, 2012, 04:41:20 PM »
I'd stop trying to please these people. Is your toddler picking up on your frustation and insecurity?

I agree with this.

Now, I get where you're coming from. My older daughter had a large vocabulary at a pretty young age, too. Chances are your daughter will even out with her peers as she gets older (mine is starting to). Please try not to get her to "prove" herself to your family. She will only learn that she must play up to their expectations as well. And if she does start to become closer to average as she gets older, it could even make her feel like she's failing you.

I know it's immensely frustrating when people--especially family, as they know just how to push ALL THE BUTTONS--don't take you seriously. I'm the baby of the family, and I will always be the baby. I could become the President of the United States of America and still not be taken seriously by my family. This will never stop bothering me completely, but I can accept it most of the time now.

So, for your daughter's sake, don't push her to speak on cue. Don't try to prove her to your family members. You'll only give yourself higher blood pressure.

ETA: I know your intention isn't to win the Baby Olympics. It's the frustration of being blown off by your own mother. But your daughter will only see you trying to get her to perform; she's not going to understand why you're doing it. I do think it's really weird that your family doesn't believe she can talk at 11 months. She might have more words than most kids that age do, but most kids can say at least a few things by then. It's not like you're claiming she can fly to the moon.
« Last Edit: August 31, 2012, 04:46:44 PM by MrsJWine »


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JeanFromBNA

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Re: Not a liar
« Reply #31 on: August 31, 2012, 06:17:29 PM »
Who loves hearing about Little Knit and appreciates you both?  Focus on them.

Your Mom has been this way for a long time, right?  It's not going to change, and it's not your fault.

Knitterly

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Re: Not a liar
« Reply #32 on: August 31, 2012, 06:25:36 PM »
To those who identified the issue as being general favoritism, you are absolutely right.  Several years ago, one of my sisters (I have lots) came home after living out of town and not being home for 3 years.  She quietly asked me if it bothered me the way I was being treated.  Everything I said or did was brushed off.  To be honest, it didn't at the time because that is simply my role (ie, invisible until something goes wrong, then visible as the source of the problems).

My mother used to make a comment when I was a kid about "why are you always there whenever there's trouble?"  I couldn't answer that.  But it seemed to be true.  If something dropped or fell or went wrong, I always seemed to be in the room, ergo I always got in trouble even if it was not my fault.  It bugged me as a kid, but I just sort of reached a place where I didn't notice it anymore.   It hasn't impacted me much except that I'm prone to apologize for things that aren't my fault.  I say sorry way too much.  But that aside, I really stopped noticing it.

Mr. K thinks that there are some subtle racial issues at play, like my parents just expect my kid to be smart because he is of an ethnicity that is stereotyped as smart.

I couldn't really tell you why it's happening.  But it bothers me.

(snip)

To stop the aggravation, stop talking about it.  It's not a competition between your child and your sibling's kids.  When your mom talks about the other kids, be excited for what is going on in their lives don't compare it to your child.

I just want to clarify this point, as it's come up several times in various ways.  The issue is not just with my mother, but her examples are the easiest to follow as one would expect a grandmother to be interested in her grandchildren - all of her grandchildren.

It's not a competition.  And I'm really happy for my sister's kids milestones.  In fact, she and I would talk at length about her kids before LK was born.  I got to hear about every first.  The first smiles, the first words, the first steps, the first everythings.  I enjoyed it and still do.  I went back and looked at my old chat logs with that sis and found that she would talk to me daily about all the things going on with her kids.

And then LK was born.  At first, the conversations were similar - a back and forth of LK's developments and her kids developments.  Unfortunately, LK began to overtake one of her older cousins in certain milestones and then the conversations stopped.  It's not a competition, but it would be nice to be able to talk to my own family (namely, my sisters and my mother) about the exciting things going on with LK, just the same as we talked about the exciting milestones for my neices and nephews. 

So there are probably lots of underlying psychologies that could be discussed.  But this is about the etiquette of the situation and finding a polite way to say "Hey, I am not a liar, I don't like the insinuation, and it would be nice if you could recognize this little member of the family as being capable of some pretty incredible stuff*."

*I can give non-vocab examples, but I'll have to do that later, as she is being a little naughty and needs attending to.

bonyk

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Re: Not a liar
« Reply #33 on: August 31, 2012, 06:46:57 PM »
What I understand from you post is that, growing up your mother treated your sisters like they were better than you.  And now she is treating your sisters' children like they are better than LK.  Am I correct?  If so, my advice is to severely limit LK's interaction with this woman.

Knitterly

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Re: Not a liar
« Reply #34 on: August 31, 2012, 06:55:29 PM »
What I understand from you post is that, growing up your mother treated your sisters like they were better than you.  And now she is treating your sisters' children like they are better than LK.  Am I correct?  If so, my advice is to severely limit LK's interaction with this woman.

Sometimes.  I still have a hard time acknowledging that.  It's also not only my mother, it happens with my sisters, too.  Some of them, anyway.

At the same time, some of LK's milestones even boggle my mind, so I do sort of understand their disbelief.  It's the response of "Babies her age just can't do that thing" that gets so much under my skin.    I'm afraid that if I don't have a set of gentle responses, one of these days my mouth is just going to start moving on it's own and mean words will tumble out by themselves.   :P

still in va

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Re: Not a liar
« Reply #35 on: August 31, 2012, 07:37:57 PM »
What I understand from you post is that, growing up your mother treated your sisters like they were better than you.  And now she is treating your sisters' children like they are better than LK.  Am I correct?  If so, my advice is to severely limit LK's interaction with this woman.

Sometimes.  I still have a hard time acknowledging that.  It's also not only my mother, it happens with my sisters, too.  Some of them, anyway.

At the same time, some of LK's milestones even boggle my mind, so I do sort of understand their disbelief.  It's the response of "Babies her age just can't do that thing" that gets so much under my skin.    I'm afraid that if I don't have a set of gentle responses, one of these days my mouth is just going to start moving on it's own and mean words will tumble out by themselves.   :P

Knit, this is irritating the heck out of me on your behalf.  i have a new grandbaby.  he's obviously the smartest 3 month old on the entire planet.  in my world, that's how grandparents feel.

if i were you, i'd stop sharing Little Knit's accomplishments with your mother and irritating sisters.  if your mother asks about it, i'd be very tempted to say "Well she talks to everyone but you.  I wonder why that is, Mom?"  but you are much more polite than i am.

i'd just enjoy your in-laws and friends.  and their reaction to Little Knit talking a mile a minute. 

WillyNilly

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Re: Not a liar
« Reply #36 on: August 31, 2012, 07:44:33 PM »
What I understand from you post is that, growing up your mother treated your sisters like they were better than you.  And now she is treating your sisters' children like they are better than LK.  Am I correct?  If so, my advice is to severely limit LK's interaction with this woman.

Sometimes.  I still have a hard time acknowledging that.  It's also not only my mother, it happens with my sisters, too.  Some of them, anyway.

At the same time, some of LK's milestones even boggle my mind, so I do sort of understand their disbelief.  It's the response of "Babies her age just can't do that thing" that gets so much under my skin.    I'm afraid that if I don't have a set of gentle responses, one of these days my mouth is just going to start moving on it's own and mean words will tumble out by themselves.   :P

I think this day is long over due, to be honest.

I don't even know you, just faceless posts on an internet board, and I know you well enough to know you are worth more then the way your mom is treating you, and now your daughter.  If you took it for yourself, because it started when you were a kid and its all you know, well... ok.  But don't let your daughter learn it too.  If you can't defend yourself, defend your daughter.  Stand up and fight for her, and if that means a whole lot of harsh words fall out of your mouth, so be it.

still in va

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Re: Not a liar
« Reply #37 on: August 31, 2012, 08:27:20 PM »
What I understand from you post is that, growing up your mother treated your sisters like they were better than you.  And now she is treating your sisters' children like they are better than LK.  Am I correct?  If so, my advice is to severely limit LK's interaction with this woman.

Sometimes.  I still have a hard time acknowledging that.  It's also not only my mother, it happens with my sisters, too.  Some of them, anyway.

At the same time, some of LK's milestones even boggle my mind, so I do sort of understand their disbelief.  It's the response of "Babies her age just can't do that thing" that gets so much under my skin.    I'm afraid that if I don't have a set of gentle responses, one of these days my mouth is just going to start moving on it's own and mean words will tumble out by themselves.   :P

I think this day is long over due, to be honest.

I don't even know you, just faceless posts on an internet board, and I know you well enough to know you are worth more then the way your mom is treating you, and now your daughter.  If you took it for yourself, because it started when you were a kid and its all you know, well... ok.  But don't let your daughter learn it too.  If you can't defend yourself, defend your daughter.  Stand up and fight for her, and if that means a whole lot of harsh words fall out of your mouth, so be it.

every word that WillyNilly said. 

Knit, you are a fantastic mom. Little Knit is adorable.  if your mother can't appreciate that, it's on her, not on you.

LEMon

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Re: Not a liar
« Reply #38 on: August 31, 2012, 09:03:05 PM »
I fully understand you would love to feel the excitement, encouragement and love from you family.

Honestly, etiquette say be polite but no doormat. 
I would stop putting so much effort into getting info to them.  When they question or make comments about it, "Oh, you never commented on them.  I thought you didn't want the details."  When they doubt you, acknowledge that she is doing something they haven't seen.  "Yes, she is doing that.  I so wish she would show you."  Refuse to accept the emotional darts.

Perhaps play act this with your DH.  Make a game of it.

Knitterly

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Re: Not a liar
« Reply #39 on: August 31, 2012, 09:19:59 PM »
I'm trying to sort out how to reply.  WillyNilly, your post made me tear up a bit - not a bad thing.  It just really gave me some hard stuff to think about.  Because you're right.  I need to stop trying.  And some distance might be healthy.  Not sharing would certainly ease the heartache of not seeing the delight that I would think a grandparent should have in their grandchild (and the delight I've seen them take in my sister's children).

LK squeals with delight when she sees Mr. K's mom walk in the door.  She doesn't have that same hand-clapping delight with my mom.  I think you're right, I think she picks up on my parents distance and reacts accordingly. 

I fully understand you would love to feel the excitement, encouragement and love from you family.

Honestly, etiquette say be polite but no doormat. 
I would stop putting so much effort into getting info to them.  When they question or make comments about it, "Oh, you never commented on them.  I thought you didn't want the details."  When they doubt you, acknowledge that she is doing something they haven't seen.  "Yes, she is doing that.  I so wish she would show you."  Refuse to accept the emotional darts.

Perhaps play act this with your DH.  Make a game of it.
I am most comfortable with this approach.  It feels right to me.  Especially the response to their doubt.  Thank you.

grannyclampettjr

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Re: Not a liar
« Reply #40 on: August 31, 2012, 10:24:02 PM »
Former gifted child checking in...

I don't think I was an early talker, but I was a very early reader among other things.  And to this day I deeply resent having to "perform." 

Please don't make your daughter do tricks to gain approval from your parents. :/

Hmmmmm

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Re: Not a liar
« Reply #41 on: August 31, 2012, 10:41:40 PM »
What I understand from you post is that, growing up your mother treated your sisters like they were better than you.  And now she is treating your sisters' children like they are better than LK.  Am I correct?  If so, my advice is to severely limit LK's interaction with this woman.

Sometimes.  I still have a hard time acknowledging that.  It's also not only my mother, it happens with my sisters, too.  Some of them, anyway.

At the same time, some of LK's milestones even boggle my mind, so I do sort of understand their disbelief.  It's the response of "Babies her age just can't do that thing" that gets so much under my skin.    I'm afraid that if I don't have a set of gentle responses, one of these days my mouth is just going to start moving on it's own and mean words will tumble out by themselves.   :P

I think this day is long over due, to be honest.

I don't even know you, just faceless posts on an internet board, and I know you well enough to know you are worth more then the way your mom is treating you, and now your daughter.  If you took it for yourself, because it started when you were a kid and its all you know, well... ok.  But don't let your daughter learn it too.  If you can't defend yourself, defend your daughter.  Stand up and fight for her, and if that means a whole lot of harsh words fall out of your mouth, so be it.

Knitterly, I'm going to very slightly disagree.  I don't think you need to waste energy standing up and fighting.  I think it is time to say they don't deserve any of your attention or energy.  They've treated you as a second class daughter.  You are continually trying to identify how you can improve to make them happy.  You are seeing them treat your daughter the same way.  And even more scary to me is you mention a difference in race.  Please do not put your daughter on this treadmill. 

Your family will NEVER be the family you want or deserve.  Your mother will NEVER be the grandmother you imagine your daughter should have.  Be happy that your MIL is.  And focus your relationships there. 

I'm not saying cut ties.  But learn to not allow their comments to effect you.  Don't volunteer information to them.  Imagine this scenario of you calling your mom.

you:  Hey mom, what's up.  Haven't talked to you in a few days.
her:  Oh, we've been busy.  GD #1 was over and we did X and Y.
you:  Sounds nice.  Glad things are going well.
silence, silence, silence.
her:  Whats LK up to.
you:  Same as always.  Growing like  weed and talking up a storm.
her:  LK can't talk at her age.  Your being silly.
you:  Whatever.  Got to go, LK is asking for her lunch.  Call sometime.

Make your mother ask for interaction.  Make her do the work. 

kareng57

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Re: Not a liar
« Reply #42 on: August 31, 2012, 10:48:35 PM »
What I understand from you post is that, growing up your mother treated your sisters like they were better than you.  And now she is treating your sisters' children like they are better than LK.  Am I correct?  If so, my advice is to severely limit LK's interaction with this woman.

Sometimes.  I still have a hard time acknowledging that.  It's also not only my mother, it happens with my sisters, too.  Some of them, anyway.

At the same time, some of LK's milestones even boggle my mind, so I do sort of understand their disbelief.  It's the response of "Babies her age just can't do that thing" that gets so much under my skin.    I'm afraid that if I don't have a set of gentle responses, one of these days my mouth is just going to start moving on it's own and mean words will tumble out by themselves.   :P

I think this day is long over due, to be honest.

I don't even know you, just faceless posts on an internet board, and I know you well enough to know you are worth more then the way your mom is treating you, and now your daughter.  If you took it for yourself, because it started when you were a kid and its all you know, well... ok.  But don't let your daughter learn it too.  If you can't defend yourself, defend your daughter.  Stand up and fight for her, and if that means a whole lot of harsh words fall out of your mouth, so be it.

Knitterly, I'm going to very slightly disagree.  I don't think you need to waste energy standing up and fighting.  I think it is time to say they don't deserve any of your attention or energy.  They've treated you as a second class daughter.  You are continually trying to identify how you can improve to make them happy.  You are seeing them treat your daughter the same way.  And even more scary to me is you mention a difference in race.  Please do not put your daughter on this treadmill. 

Your family will NEVER be the family you want or deserve.  Your mother will NEVER be the grandmother you imagine your daughter should have.  Be happy that your MIL is.  And focus your relationships there. 

I'm not saying cut ties.  But learn to not allow their comments to effect you.  Don't volunteer information to them.  Imagine this scenario of you calling your mom.

you:  Hey mom, what's up.  Haven't talked to you in a few days.
her:  Oh, we've been busy.  GD #1 was over and we did X and Y.
you:  Sounds nice.  Glad things are going well.
silence, silence, silence.
her:  Whats LK up to.
you:  Same as always.  Growing like  weed and talking up a storm.
her:  LK can't talk at her age.  Your being silly.
you:  Whatever.  Got to go, LK is asking for her lunch.  Call sometime.

Make your mother ask for interaction.  Make her do the work.


Good post.  It can take a long time, but eventually some of us have to stop looking for things from parents/extended family that we are never going to get.

Deetee

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Re: Not a liar
« Reply #43 on: August 31, 2012, 10:57:43 PM »
Former gifted child checking in...

I don't think I was an early talker, but I was a very early reader among other things.  And to this day I deeply resent having to "perform." 

Please don't make your daughter do tricks to gain approval from your parents. :/

I have had several thoughts  on this thread and haven't posted yet. This post stand up for me. You have spent your whole life not being good enough for your family and you have suffered for that. Now you are trying make Lk be good enough for your family.

 You are a loving mother and would obviously never try to hurt Lk, but you have to see how acting like LK would be accepted and loved if only they knew how to how smart she was is putting her in the terrible position of beong "loved" for her accomplishments not for herself.

Ceallach

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Re: Not a liar
« Reply #44 on: August 31, 2012, 11:13:08 PM »
Former gifted child checking in...

I don't think I was an early talker, but I was a very early reader among other things.  And to this day I deeply resent having to "perform." 

Please don't make your daughter do tricks to gain approval from your parents. :/

I have had several thoughts  on this thread and haven't posted yet. This post stand up for me. You have spent your whole life not being good enough for your family and you have suffered for that. Now you are trying make Lk be good enough for your family.

 You are a loving mother and would obviously never try to hurt Lk, but you have to see how acting like LK would be accepted and loved if only they knew how to how smart she was is putting her in the terrible position of beong "loved" for her accomplishments not for herself.

I agree.   By letting this bother you, the message you are sending LK is that what these people think of you matters and you must try to impress them.   Now, there's nothing wrong with that sometimes.  But when they're people who you have unsuccessfully tried to win approval from, that's when you need to realise that perhaps it's not a healthy way to feel.  Perhaps you can spare LK that.  Teach her to be polite and friendly, but not to care too much about the opinions of others.   (It's important to some extent, but we don't have to care what *everybody* thinks, just those who we respect).
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