Author Topic: Not a liar  (Read 9917 times)

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Knitterly

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Not a liar
« on: August 31, 2012, 12:07:33 PM »
I keep trying to type this up and then I end up deleting it because no matter how hard I try, it always sounds (to me at least) like I'm bragging on my kid, which is not the issue at hand.  However, my kid is pretty smart for her age and that is contributing to the problem that I'm having.

I also want to clarify before getting into the details that although I do have this problem with complete strangers, and some acquaintances (I don't have the problem with friends), the BIGGEST part of the problem is with my family.  My siblings and parents.  Mr. Knitterly's parents are fine, as they are used to this behaviour from Mr. Knitterly as a child.

Little Knit is learning to walk and talk.  She's 11months old and is right on track for the walking.  She's a little advanced on the talking and has a vocabulary of about 15ish words, which is almost triple the norm for her age.  She also strings two words together (like "mum up" to be picked up). 

Here's the problem:  My family does not believe she can do this or does do this and they are starting to act as though I am lying about her abilities.  It's getting extremely frustrating.  I took a video of her using one of her new words and posted it to facebook.  My friends loved it.  My family completely ignored it.  I sent a picture to my mom of LK learning to walk (my mom frequently complains about not getting pictures) and got no response.  Instead, the next time I saw her, she gushed at length about the pictures my little sis sent of her kid.  I tried to ignore it, but it's getting really hard to.

I went to visit my mother and encouraged LK to say "Hi".  LK chose to play shy (as she very often does around my parents) and wouldn't use any of her words.  As far as I am concerned, LK *can* say "hi" and "bye" and should therefore be encouraged to use those words in the appropriate setting.  Greeting people is an important thing, and I encourage her to do it as much as possible.  My mother literally rolled her eyes and said in a high-pitched pretend baby voice "Yeah right mom, I don't talk yet," and then turned to me and said "Don't push her.  She'll learn to talk when she's ready."

It was beyond maddening as LK can and DOES talk.  She has a lot of words that she uses in context.

I really need some help in dealing with this.
Like I said, although the problem exists with strangers to a small degree, the biggest problem is with my mom and my sisters.  They really don't think LK can do any of the things she does, just because they haven't seen it.  There are many other things beyond just the talking, but the talking is probably the best example.

Can I get some thoughts?

Edited to clarify:
This isn't just about her vocabulary.  The vocabulary is just the easiest example to use.  The talking is the high end of normal.  It's the easiest example because none of my sisters kids were talking before 18months, which is also completely normal.
« Last Edit: August 31, 2012, 06:12:08 PM by Knitterly »

LeveeWoman

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Re: Not a liar
« Reply #1 on: August 31, 2012, 12:10:24 PM »
I'd stop trying to please these people. Is your toddler picking up on your frustation and insecurity?

WillyNilly

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Re: Not a liar
« Reply #2 on: August 31, 2012, 12:12:58 PM »
Maybe because I'm not a parent but... what difference does it make if your family believes you or not?  Your daughter is proceeding along.  Does your families non-acceptance of this affect her progress?  Does it make you a better or worse parent? 

ShadesOfGrey

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Re: Not a liar
« Reply #3 on: August 31, 2012, 12:14:17 PM »
Why do you feel the need to prove to them that she does? You can only play tug of war with two people holding the rope. Drop the rope and the problem goes away. If they don't believe or acknowledge a video, there's no sense in fighting it.
Words mean more than what is set down on paper. It takes the human voice to infuse them with shades of deeper meaning. - Maya Angelou

I've learned that people will forget what you said, people will forget what you did, but people will never forget how you made them feel. - Maya Angelou

BarensMom

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Re: Not a liar
« Reply #4 on: August 31, 2012, 12:15:32 PM »
 If your mom and sisters tend to brush off LK's pictures and videos, LK probably senses your frustration towards them and acts accordingly.  Personally, if that's how your mom acts in front of LK, no wonder she wants to "play shy." 

Jones

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Re: Not a liar
« Reply #5 on: August 31, 2012, 12:19:03 PM »
Some thoughts, though not necessarily advice.

I'd be upset to be treated as though I was a liar. I don't have advice, but I will say this: I don't brag much to my mom about my kids. She lives a good hour away and is busy with her own still-at-home kids. This means that when we get together, she gets very excited to see that *suddenly* the baby is walking and has teeth; *suddenly* Jean has lost several baby teeth...etc. I'll see her this weekend and will be pleasantly surprised at all the little things she's going to point out that are new to her, but I've adjusted to on a daily basis.

Oh, and something that popped into my head when reading your story:
"Mom, she'll never learn to say Hi if I don't tell her to say it. Please don't roll your eyes or she might pick up on that too; I don't need a toddler-going-on-teenager, and babies start to mimic everything."

Shopaholic

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Re: Not a liar
« Reply #6 on: August 31, 2012, 12:20:48 PM »
You need to stop trying to impress your family. They obviously don't care and it's just driving you crazy.
It sounds like you get lots of positive feedback from your ILs and friends. I honestly think that you, your ILs and your friends would be just as impressed with LK even if she weren't so advanced, and that's the kind of supportive environment that is good for a child, and her parent.

wheeitsme

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Re: Not a liar
« Reply #7 on: August 31, 2012, 12:23:25 PM »
I think they shouldn't be questioning whether littleknit can do things, but why she doesn't do those things around them.

"Littleknit, can you say "hi" to gma?" <she doesn't> "Huh.  That's weird, she does it for everybody else.  I wonder why she refuses to say "hi" to you?"

bah12

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Re: Not a liar
« Reply #8 on: August 31, 2012, 12:37:28 PM »
As a mom who is extremely proud of all milestones my DD reaches, I get how frustrating it is when your own parents(possibly the only ones who would normally care about these things as much as you), just doesn't want to share in that.

I would stop trying to convince them.  They can keep acting as if your child can't talk (or do whatever) and she'll publically embarrass them one day proving that she can.  Example "Oh, Little Knit is barely one...you can't expect her to talk."  Little Knit:  "Grandma mean!"
"Oh, little Knit has learned how to walk"  Little Knit: (Running Away while yelling "Bye bye Grandma!"

As another poster mentioned, this may just stem from the fact that she's shy around them.  Instead of admitting that their grandchild doesn't like talking around/to them, they'd rather try to convince themselves that she can't.  Which is probably why they ignore all evidence that she can when she's in other surroundings.  It's their insecurity to deal with.


bonyk

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Re: Not a liar
« Reply #9 on: August 31, 2012, 12:38:18 PM »
This is the part that stood out to me:
  I sent a picture to my mom of LK learning to walk (my mom frequently complains about not getting pictures) and got no response.  Instead, the next time I saw her, she gushed at length about the pictures my little sis sent of her kid.

Is this the norm for your family?  Does you mom tend to focus on how great your sis is and ignore you?  Is it possible that she tells your sis how great LK is, and ignores her kids when talking to her?  Maybe that's why your Sis doesn't comment on LK?

I ask because that's how things were in my dad's family, and it's made for some serious dysfunctional relationships.

Regardless of why your mom does it, the fact remains that everybody knows that LittleKnit is the bestest Little whoever Knitted, and that anyone who doesn't see it has rocks for brains and isn't worth spending time with.  In other words, scale back the relationship with your mom.   :P

Knitterly

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Re: Not a liar
« Reply #10 on: August 31, 2012, 12:43:20 PM »
It's not so much that I want to impress them as it is the implication (and occasional outright accusation) that I'm being dishonest or exaggerating her abilities is starting to really grate on me.  I fully expect it to get worse as she gets older, which is why I'm looking to nip it in the bud now.

For example, the last time I visited my mother, she spent the entire time bragging about Sister One's kids or Sister Two's kids, talking about their development, how big they are, how advanced they are for their ages.  And she ignored LK - except to point out how small and delicate she is.   Which she is.  She's very small for her age - in the 10th percentile.

Some thoughts, though not necessarily advice.

I'd be upset to be treated as though I was a liar. I don't have advice, but I will say this: I don't brag much to my mom about my kids. She lives a good hour away and is busy with her own still-at-home kids. This means that when we get together, she gets very excited to see that *suddenly* the baby is walking and has teeth; *suddenly* Jean has lost several baby teeth...etc. I'll see her this weekend and will be pleasantly surprised at all the little things she's going to point out that are new to her, but I've adjusted to on a daily basis.

Oh, and something that popped into my head when reading your story:
"Mom, she'll never learn to say Hi if I don't tell her to say it. Please don't roll your eyes or she might pick up on that too; I don't need a toddler-going-on-teenager, and babies start to mimic everything."

I do like that response.  I might just leave it at "She'll never do it if I don't encourage her to."

As a mom who is extremely proud of all milestones my DD reaches, I get how frustrating it is when your own parents(possibly the only ones who would normally care about these things as much as you), just doesn't want to share in that.

I would stop trying to convince them.  They can keep acting as if your child can't talk (or do whatever) and she'll publically embarrass them one day proving that she can.  Example "Oh, Little Knit is barely one...you can't expect her to talk."  Little Knit:  "Grandma mean!"
"Oh, little Knit has learned how to walk"  Little Knit: (Running Away while yelling "Bye bye Grandma!"

As another poster mentioned, this may just stem from the fact that she's shy around them.  Instead of admitting that their grandchild doesn't like talking around/to them, they'd rather try to convince themselves that she can't.  Which is probably why they ignore all evidence that she can when she's in other surroundings.  It's their insecurity to deal with.

Really good point.  Thanks. :)

ShadesOfGrey

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Re: Not a liar
« Reply #11 on: August 31, 2012, 12:46:30 PM »
Bonyk-that quote stood out to me too, but for a different reason. How do you get a picture of a baby trying to walk? Walking involves motion, something a picture really can't picture effectively. So I can see where a picture would be unconvincing evidence, so to speak. That said, I agree that I bet the mom is playing them one against the other.
Words mean more than what is set down on paper. It takes the human voice to infuse them with shades of deeper meaning. - Maya Angelou

I've learned that people will forget what you said, people will forget what you did, but people will never forget how you made them feel. - Maya Angelou

25wishes

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Re: Not a liar
« Reply #12 on: August 31, 2012, 12:48:25 PM »
Why is it important that they know and acknowledge her development?

I don't have kids, just 4 grown stepkids and thus several GKs under 6. I couldn't tell you which ones were ahead, behind, or right on schedule as far as walking, talking, etc. Who cares? as long as they eventually walk and talk.

Hmmmmm

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Re: Not a liar
« Reply #13 on: August 31, 2012, 12:58:01 PM »
It's not so much that I want to impress them as it is the implication (and occasional outright accusation) that I'm being dishonest or exaggerating her abilities is starting to really grate on me.  I fully expect it to get worse as she gets older, which is why I'm looking to nip it in the bud now.

snip

Why?  Honestly, just because she is talking at an early age doesn't mean she be any more advanced in others.  My DD was fully conversant at 11 months.  I am not exageratting.  I think at 12 months they said most kids have around 50 word vocabulary.  At 12 months, there weren't many words DD didn't understand and could use tripple the average child.  My DS didn't really talk much till 24 months.  Today is is the star student while DD is an average student. 

To stop the aggravation, stop talking about it.  It's not a competition between your child and your sibling's kids.  When your mom talks about the other kids, be excited for what is going on in their lives don't compare it to your child.

25wishes

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Re: Not a liar
« Reply #14 on: August 31, 2012, 01:00:38 PM »
It's not so much that I want to impress them as it is the implication (and occasional outright accusation) that I'm being dishonest or exaggerating her abilities is starting to really grate on me.  I fully expect it to get worse as she gets older, which is why I'm looking to nip it in the bud now.

snip

Why?  Honestly, just because she is talking at an early age doesn't mean she be any more advanced in others.  My DD was fully conversant at 11 months.  I am not exageratting.  I think at 12 months they said most kids have around 50 word vocabulary.  At 12 months, there weren't many words DD didn't understand and could use tripple the average child.  My DS didn't really talk much till 24 months.  Today is is the star student while DD is an average student. 

To stop the aggravation, stop talking about it.  It's not a competition between your child and your sibling's kids.  When your mom talks about the other kids, be excited for what is going on in their lives don't compare it to your child.

I agree - if you keep telling people something and they don't believe you, quit telling them.