Help...My husband won't go to his brother's wedding if our kids aren't invited!

[Sharnita]

On the flip side, what if you go through all of this, take a hard line with DH, etc and then they are invited?  It sounds like you are assuming and bringing this up as an issue based on the restaurant.  Have they actually said or done anything to hint the kids aren't invited?

[Firecat]

On the flip side, what if you go through all of this, take a hard line with DH, etc and then they are invited?  It sounds like you are assuming and bringing this up as an issue based on the restaurant.  Have they actually said or done anything to hint the kids aren't invited?

The OP asked what to do when they receive the invitation if the kids aren't invited. So it sounds to me like she's just trying to prepare, and doesn't intend to discuss it with her DH until she knows for sure that she needs to.

[kareng57]

Have you pointed out to your DH that the reason your kids are not out of control at events is because you run after them constantly?  Even if they are invited, will it be expected that you do the same at the wedding?  Wouldn't you like to have a night off for once?

Have I missed something? - I don't see any reference that the OP needs to "run after" the kids on an outing?  Spend time with them, yes - perhaps that's playing checkers?

But it's really a non issue.  The HC has decided not to invite children, and presumably never made any indication that they would be included.  In contrast, I had a close relative tell me that of course my children were included, then once the invitations came out, they weren't.........not nice.

[Firecat]

It is his BROTHER'S wedding. And it's his brother's choice to invite the children or not - and hubby needs to get over himself. That being said - no one knows yet, do they?

If the children aren't invited, sit hubby down when he's calm and content. Tell him that your brother and his fiance are allowed to do what they want, and, as family, it's important that you be supportive and go to the wedding. Point out that the children would be bored, and that you, as 'babysitter', wouldn't be able to enjoy yourself - and won't this be a great date night?

POD to the bolded. It's the couple's decision, full stop.

And, yes, it's true that there may be relationship consequences if a couple chooses not to invite children to their wedding. But I think I can safely say that there will be relationship consequences if your DH refuses to attend over this issue. Couldn't your DH instead choose to treat it as a sort of date night with you? A chance for the two of you to reminisce a bit with each other (when appropriate, of course)?

[HonorH]

Ask him, quite simply, "DH? Is this really worth starting a fight with your brother over? Is it worth creating a rift? Because this is the kind of thing that does create rifts in families. Personally, I don't think it's worth it when the boys probably won't enjoy the wedding all that much, anyway."

[Iris]

”I want to enjoy myself at a grown up event. The boys would be bored and not have fun. I am going to get a babysitter and plan to go to the wedding. You can stay home and guarantee your brother will be hurt and I will be peeved, or you can come with me.”

This is completely and totally what I would say to DH. I know that some friends are horrified by my bluntness to him at times, but it works for us.

[Hunter-Gatherer]

I'm going to disagree with the majority here.  Yes, the happy couple can invite (and not invite) anyone they want, but by the same token, an invitation isn't a summons and if the OP's husband chooses not to attend because he has a problem with his children not being invited, he's well within his rights to do so.

Honestly, I understand his feelings.  The 3 & 5 year old nephews probably aren't old enough to know or care about the wedding.  An 8 & 12 year old on the other hand are old enough for their feelings to be hurt that they weren't invited to their uncle's important event, and as a father, I'd be hurt and insulted on their behalf... especially when one considers that we're not talking about a situation where inviting them would open up the floodgates and the couple getting married would feel obligated to invite a whole herd of kids. 

Yes, the OP's husband not attending his brother's wedding can have relationship consequences, but by the same token, not inviting your brother's children to your wedding can also have consequences, like your brother deciding that his children aren't important to you or you don't care about them, and being offended by that.

[poundcake]

There are numerous valid reasons why a HC might not want or be able to accommodate children at their event. Anyone who is going to be all butthurt about it needs to stop being so entitled, suck it up, and deal.

[Erich L-ster]

Is it possible to get the kids to campaign to not go to the wedding? Maybe a sleepover with friends would be more fun for them than a wedding. Would it make things different if the boys themselves asked not to go?

[NyaChan]

Is it possible to get the kids to campaign to not go to the wedding? Maybe a sleepover with friends would be more fun for them than a wedding. Would it make things different if the boys themselves asked not to go?

I don't think it is right to get the kids to work against their dad.  It is almost like conspiring with them to manipulate their father.  Better to keep it between the adults.

[LifeOnPluto]

Tell your DH that his brother's decision not to have kids at his wedding isn't a slur against your sons - it's simply that he and his fiancee are trying to create a certain type of atmosphere for their reception.

Another thought occurred to me - you could point out that perhaps it's the fiancee (and not his brother) who is the driving force behind the "no children" rule. Point out that it's often the Bride who plans the wedding, and that many Grooms just want to keep their future wives happy! That might make him grudgingly agree to attend, if he thinks that his brother wasn't the instigator.

Finally, if your DH still refuses to attend, go by yourself if you want to.

[MariaE]

Is it possible to get the kids to campaign to not go to the wedding? Maybe a sleepover with friends would be more fun for them than a wedding. Would it make things different if the boys themselves asked not to go?

I don't think it is right to get the kids to work against their dad.  It is almost like conspiring with them to manipulate their father.  Better to keep it between the adults.

Depends on how its done. If it's a campaign led by their mother then I agree, but if the kids genuinely feel they would rather not go to the wedding, why shouldn't they make their wishes heard?

I have 5 nieblings age 2-8. My sister is getting married next year and was wondering aloud how to accommodate them and whether or not to invite them or not when my oldest nephew (age 7) made it easier for her by suddenly piping up "The church will be fun, but I'd rather stay at home and play with Auntie MumsBestFriend than go to the reception." Simple. My sister could make her decision and there were no hard feelings anywhere (not saying that there would have been otherwise, but if the kids themselves don't want to go, why make an issue out of it?).

[SuperMartianRobotGirl]

I agree with those who said it's 100% reasonable to have an adult-only wedding, but OTOH it's also reasonable to decide you won't go based on that. People get to choose their guest lists on their own, but the consequence of not having kids is that some people won't be able or won't want to go. I think it's a huge sense of entitlement on the part of brides and grooms to think people they invite have to go, particularly if they don't invite kids, because what I've found often is that the only people I have to babysit my kids are all going to the wedding too. It just isn't always practical.

BUT I don't think it's fair to get upset and hold a grudge over them inviting whomever they want and only those people to their wedding. There are tons of valid reasons to choose to exclude children. It is reasonable and shouldn't be used as a weapon. That does not mean people have to go, just that they should take it as it is - accept it and make their choice as whether or not to go, and then let it go and don't turn it into a huge issue.

[CakeEater]

Having a child-free wedding is not a comment on the behaviour of the non-invited children, how much they're loved by the couple, or how much they care about family. It's all about wanting to host an adult event. And that's OK.

If babysitting was a problem for my brother, I'd be fine with the family not attending. If it wasn't, I'd be pretty hurt that my brother stayed home to make a statement.

[Sharnita]

Having a child-free wedding is not a comment on the behaviour of the non-invited children, how much they're loved by the couple, or how much they care about family. It's all about wanting to host an adult event. And that's OK.

If babysitting was a problem for my brother, I'd be fine with the family not attending. If it wasn't, I'd be pretty hurt that my brother stayed home to make a statement.

But wouldn't it be just as OK for them to want an event that particular night with their kids, even if that event is an evening at home, as it is for you to want your event with adults only?  Don't you both have the right do choose the kind of event you want that evening?