Author Topic: Help...My husband won't go to his brother's wedding if our kids aren't invited!  (Read 25651 times)

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SuperMartianRobotGirl

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Having a child-free wedding is not a comment on the behaviour of the non-invited children, how much they're loved by the couple, or how much they care about family. It's all about wanting to host an adult event. And that's OK.

If babysitting was a problem for my brother, I'd be fine with the family not attending. If it wasn't, I'd be pretty hurt that my brother stayed home to make a statement.

To me, being upset that your brother won't come because he can't bring his kids is equivalent to him being so upset that he can't bring his kids that he won't come. I think either is immature. If you're getting married, you make the guest list, but there are consequences to the choices you make on your guest list, and you have to live with those consequences. One consequence is that not having kids means some people with kids won't be able to go.

CakeEater

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Having a child-free wedding is not a comment on the behaviour of the non-invited children, how much they're loved by the couple, or how much they care about family. It's all about wanting to host an adult event. And that's OK.

If babysitting was a problem for my brother, I'd be fine with the family not attending. If it wasn't, I'd be pretty hurt that my brother stayed home to make a statement.

But wouldn't it be just as OK for them to want an event that particular night with their kids, even if that event is an evening at home, as it is for you to want your event with adults only?  Don't you both have the right do choose the kind of event you want that evening?

Sure you do. But, hopefully, your brother will only be married once, and you'll have thousands of available nights to spend with your kids.

I must admit, I love child-free weddings, had one myself, and look forward to having evenings without my own children. That colours my opinion, somewhat.  :)

camlan

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Having a child-free wedding is not a comment on the behaviour of the non-invited children, how much they're loved by the couple, or how much they care about family. It's all about wanting to host an adult event. And that's OK.

If babysitting was a problem for my brother, I'd be fine with the family not attending. If it wasn't, I'd be pretty hurt that my brother stayed home to make a statement.

But wouldn't it be just as OK for them to want an event that particular night with their kids, even if that event is an evening at home, as it is for you to want your event with adults only?  Don't you both have the right do choose the kind of event you want that evening?

Yes, everyone has the right to chose what they want to do.

However, choices have consequences. Not to attend a sibling's wedding sends a message. One that can have repercussions for years. IMO, it is not a decision to be made lightly.

Both brothers have the right to do as they chose. Both need to consider how their choices affect others.

I'm wondering if there is something else going on between the brothers, since the invitations haven't been sent yet and the OP's DH is already concerned about this. Is this issue just the manifestation of some other conflict between them?
Nothing is impossible, the word itself says, “I’m possible!” –Audrey Hepburn


CakeEater

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Having a child-free wedding is not a comment on the behaviour of the non-invited children, how much they're loved by the couple, or how much they care about family. It's all about wanting to host an adult event. And that's OK.

If babysitting was a problem for my brother, I'd be fine with the family not attending. If it wasn't, I'd be pretty hurt that my brother stayed home to make a statement.

To me, being upset that your brother won't come because he can't bring his kids is equivalent to him being so upset that he can't bring his kids that he won't come. I think either is immature. If you're getting married, you make the guest list, but there are consequences to the choices you make on your guest list, and you have to live with those consequences. One consequence is that not having kids means some people with kids won't be able to go.

It's not that he's not able in this case, but that he chooses not to in order to make a statement about his displeasure about an aspect of the invitation.

Not all events need to include children. Formal dinner-dances, especially, which weddings often are, do not include children. If this wedding happens to be an adult event, and a close family member, for whom baby-sitting is not an issue, decided to decline the invitation for that reason, yes I'd be hurt, even that is considered immature.

SPuck

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Are you a hundred percent positive that the children won't be invited? If so you could just take a wait and see approach. Your perspective of child friendly could be different from your brother-in-law and fiance. My brother's wedding was held at town art museum at a tourist destination (think Cape Cod), but they still invited my sister-in-laws nephew because they were immediate family. They were both under 7.

Iris

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Having a child-free wedding is not a comment on the behaviour of the non-invited children, how much they're loved by the couple, or how much they care about family. It's all about wanting to host an adult event. And that's OK.

If babysitting was a problem for my brother, I'd be fine with the family not attending. If it wasn't, I'd be pretty hurt that my brother stayed home to make a statement.

But wouldn't it be just as OK for them to want an event that particular night with their kids, even if that event is an evening at home, as it is for you to want your event with adults only?  Don't you both have the right do choose the kind of event you want that evening?

Sure they have that right. But prioritising an evening at home over someone's wedding sends a pretty clear message about their importance in your life. With a regular guest you may get away with it but chances are a brother will know that you thought playing Ludo with the kids was more important than watching you pledge your faith to the person you love.

My brother wanted from to be a flower girl in his wedding, take off for photos between the wedding and reception then magically disappear in the ten minutes between them arriving from photos and the reception starting. That did irritatethe heck out of me, but I sucked it up for one day and made it work.
"Can't do anything with children, can you?" the woman said.

Poirot thought you could, but forebore to say so.

SuperMartianRobotGirl

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We all answer these based on our own experiences, which I think is good because it gives people a large number of perspectives so they get a real big picture of what's happening.

My experience is that twice I've had family members have weddings without kids when it couldn't possibly work for me. Once because everyone who could babysit was at the wedding, and once because of the same reason and on top of that it was a destination wedding and I'd have to be gone for ages, spend a bunch of money, and use my husband's limited vacation time on a trip to a location I had no interest in visiting. And people don't really seem to accept the babysitting issue as valid.

People getting married sometimes have a huge sense of entitlement. Everyone has to work around how they want things to be and make it work no matter how difficult it is for the guests. I find that really annoying. If they really want people to come, they'll make it easy for them to be there. But they sometimes make it difficult and act like it's an obligation for people to go because "it's your brother and he'll only get married once!" Well if it's that important to him, he'll make his plans accommodate people. We sometimes forget that weddings guests are indeed guests.

Sharnita

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See, I think that when you tell dad "it sends a message" when he makes his choice to decline then you can't reasonably argue that the HC 's decision didn't mean anything.  To argue a completely different set of rules for the guests and the hosts regarding extending invitations and accepting them doesn't make any sense to me.  I truly think that if OP responded that she was coming and DH was staying home with the kids it would be petty for his brother to be resentful in any way.  Of course, there is a possibility that the kids will be invited anyway so it seems worrying about this now seems like jumping the gun a bit.

SPuck

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My brother wanted from to be a flower girl in his wedding, take off for photos between the wedding and reception then magically disappear in the ten minutes between them arriving from photos and the reception starting. That did irritatethe heck out of me, but I sucked it up for one day and made it work.

Slight thread jack, I was a little confused about your situation. Was the flower girl able to attend all the events (or at least have an alternative?)

Sharnita

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Having a child-free wedding is not a comment on the behaviour of the non-invited children, how much they're loved by the couple, or how much they care about family. It's all about wanting to host an adult event. And that's OK.

If babysitting was a problem for my brother, I'd be fine with the family not attending. If it wasn't, I'd be pretty hurt that my brother stayed home to make a statement.

But wouldn't it be just as OK for them to want an event that particular night with their kids, even if that event is an evening at home, as it is for you to want your event with adults only?  Don't you both have the right do choose the kind of event you want that evening?

Sure they have that right. But prioritising an evening at home over someone's wedding sends a pretty clear message about their importance in your life. With a regular guest you may get away with it but chances are a brother will know that you thought playing Ludo with the kids was more important than watching you pledge your faith to the person you love.

My brother wanted from to be a flower girl in his wedding, take off for photos between the wedding and reception then magically disappear in the ten minutes between them arriving from photos and the reception starting. That did irritatethe heck out of me, but I sucked it up for one day and made it work.

Converserly, DH in the OP might end up knowing that X restaurant and an adult only evening took priority over having beloved nephews there to watch uncle pledge his faith to the person he loves.  Now DH could brood but I don't think he should.  I also don't think he is automatically obligated to leave his kids at home and attend.  I think that when the HC make those choices they should realize their guests, all their guests, will be making choices as well. 

Iris

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My brother wanted from to be a flower girl in his wedding, take off for photos between the wedding and reception then magically disappear in the ten minutes between them arriving from photos and the reception starting. That did irritatethe heck out of me, but I sucked it up for one day and made it work.

Slight thread jack, I was a little confused about your situation. Was the flower girl able to attend all the events (or at least have an alternative?)

Yes. All my usual babysitters were at the wedding, but a very good friend came to the reception site and picked her up and took her home to bed.

I totally agree with the idea that weddings sometimes give people a massive sense of entitlement and I was genuinely pretty annoyed at the situation I was in, but my point was that *where possible* most of us put up for with it for one day for the people we love. Of course if it's not possible it's not possible, but "I just want my children there"seems a petty reason to miss your brothers wedding, to me.
"Can't do anything with children, can you?" the woman said.

Poirot thought you could, but forebore to say so.

MariaE

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TBH I think not wanting to show up to your brother's wedding without your kids sends a heck of a lot stronger message than the brother/wife-to-be wanting a childfree wedding. The latter wouldn't even register in my family whereas the former would cause worry that a cut-direct was forthcoming (from the person who didn't show up on such feeble grounds. Everybody would assume there were bigger issues behind)
 
Dane by birth, Kiwi by choice

Sharnita

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TBH I think not wanting to show up to your brother's wedding without your kids sends a heck of a lot stronger message than the brother/wife-to-be wanting a childfree wedding. The latter wouldn't even register in my family whereas the former would cause worry that a cut-direct was forthcoming (from the person who didn't show up on such feeble grounds. Everybody would assume there were bigger issues behind)

See, to me that seems so strange.  That you it could go one way but not the other.  To me it seems like a take but not give kind of approach/expectation.

Sophia

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...1.  Our boys are well behaved but do get bored so I spend a large chunk of hubby's family gatherings with the kids....

I would tell him before the invitation arrives that you hope that the kids aren't invited.  You spend a large chunk of your time at family gatherings keeping the kids well-behaved.  You would like to enjoy one of these family gatherings as an adult having adult conversations.  In fact, even if they are invited, you don't want to be the one corralling them all evening. 

Reminds me of when one spouse wants to throw lots of parties, but then never does any of the work. 

Steve

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I have a DH like that, and here is how I handle him:

I would start hinting that I would really want to spend some quality time with him alone. It has been SO LONG since we had datenight, and we are SOOO preoccupied with the kids. I could REALLY do with a little US time. Go dancing, and to dinner...... but alas: there is not much time now, and ofcourse the money can be better spent otherwise......

As soon as the invitation drops in, he will remember that I really want some sort of date/adult time with him, and he will probably figure out that the wedding is just what the dr. called for. If he does not figure that out, I will make sure he hears it from me: "Ow! Wonderfull! This wedding is JUST the thing I have been looking forward to! No kids, dinner, dancing!"

I am not sure if it will still work in your situation, because you already have discussed the wedding.