Author Topic: Is this the norm w/ Grandkids?  (Read 7270 times)

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bonyk

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Re: Is this the norm w/ Grandkids?
« Reply #30 on: September 07, 2012, 06:53:27 PM »
I did have a cousin, who, while still pregnant, told her mother (my aunt) that she would not be the 'primary' grandmother.  We didn't know then or know what that means.  Not normal. 

gramma dishes

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Re: Is this the norm w/ Grandkids?
« Reply #31 on: September 07, 2012, 08:28:28 PM »
I did have a cousin, who, while still pregnant, told her mother (my aunt) that she would not be the 'primary' grandmother.  We didn't know then or know what that means.  Not normal.

If I'd been her mother, I would have asked.    ???  "Exactly what does that mean?"

violinp

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Re: Is this the norm w/ Grandkids?
« Reply #32 on: September 07, 2012, 09:35:57 PM »
I did have a cousin, who, while still pregnant, told her mother (my aunt) that she would not be the 'primary' grandmother.  We didn't know then or know what that means.  Not normal.

If I'd been her mother, I would have asked.    ???  "Exactly what does that mean?"

I assume that means that the mother of the child's father would be spending more time with the child. It's still incredibly rude to say, especially to your own mother. I can't fathom how the mom - to - be actually thought that was a good or appropriate thing to say.
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ClaireC79

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Re: Is this the norm w/ Grandkids?
« Reply #33 on: September 08, 2012, 08:32:47 AM »
You don't know if the comment came after her mother had said about all these plans for the baby (I'll have X,Y and Z at my house because the baby will stay with me Friday and Saturday nights so you can have a rest and go out with your friends like you used to, then you're working Monday -Friday 9-5 so I'll have him then too and if you want me to babysit anytime just ask' - I could see that being met with a 'you aren't the primary caregiver' and then secondhand being turned into 'she said I'm not going to be the primary grandmother - oh my child must hate me'

bloo

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Re: Is this the norm w/ Grandkids?
« Reply #34 on: September 08, 2012, 09:41:45 AM »
Penny, do you notice if your prospective MIL and SIL are/ were attention-vortice's in other areas?

I agree with the other posters that said that this has little to do with the baby and more to do with being the center of attention and being seen as important.

I wouldn't put up with this one bit with my kids, but I didn't have to since none of my or my DH's family members had this weirdness (and believe me, they have their oddities...just not this one).

Shopaholic

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Re: Is this the norm w/ Grandkids?
« Reply #35 on: September 08, 2012, 12:02:40 PM »
I thought of this thread last night.

DH and I arrived last (but on time) to a family dinner to see 6 adults and 3 kids standing around MIL who was holding her newborn grandchild. MIL was the only one who held him that night other than his mother - and the only reason she took him was because MIL was eating hot soup over the baby's head.
I'm pretty sure MIL made no declarations, and I'm guessing if I had asked I would have gotten to hold the baby, but there was just something in the air that made it seem it was her time with the baby.

I have held the baby, and I know SIL trusts me completely, but there's just that unspoken agreement in the family that when the grandmother is around, she gets first dibs, at least with newborns. With my sister it was the opposite - I got first dibs because I lived furthest away and saw baby the least.

Elfmama

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Re: Is this the norm w/ Grandkids?
« Reply #36 on: September 08, 2012, 04:39:01 PM »
what? they *called* the baby before it was born, and they got *forever* rights? sounds weird to me.

the *only* *possible* explanation i could think of is that Younger SIL doesn't *want* anyone else to hold the baby (for whatever reason). and she enlisted her mom and sister to make sure this doesn't happen. i know it sounds bizarre, but I also know that there *are* people who don't want any to hold their baby.
A young woman on another board didn't want those of us who disliked her to even look at pictures of her baby. So I can totally see this.  Perhaps the new mother feels that the only people she can trust around her baby are her mother and sister?  Has she ever raised the subject of "child molesters are everywhere!", or indicated that she thinks non-family can't be trusted around him?
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Yankeegal77

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Re: Is this the norm w/ Grandkids?
« Reply #37 on: September 08, 2012, 05:51:11 PM »
And we have another "snakes in a restaurant..."  No, this isn't remotely normal and needs to be corrected now. If it isn't stopped, it can only get worse. There are dozens upon dozens of threads here about the ways that in-laws can trample the parents (and others) when it comes to grand kids.

THIS.

This is not normal, reasonable behavior and as a grandchild with a grandparent who did this, I can tell you from experience that this *will* cause some serious problems later and probably is already.

The parents need to set boundaries *now* and let these two know that number one, the *parents* will decide who spends time with the baby and when and number two, not respecting these boundaries will result in less grandchild time or a cut.

Trust me, once this fence is trampled, it's a domino effect. My grandmother pulled this garbage with all of her grandchildren and to this day, there are serious rifts stemming from it.

But to answer your question, no, this is not normal.

Piratelvr1121

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Re: Is this the norm w/ Grandkids?
« Reply #38 on: September 08, 2012, 06:44:45 PM »
what? they *called* the baby before it was born, and they got *forever* rights? sounds weird to me.

the *only* *possible* explanation i could think of is that Younger SIL doesn't *want* anyone else to hold the baby (for whatever reason). and she enlisted her mom and sister to make sure this doesn't happen. i know it sounds bizarre, but I also know that there *are* people who don't want any to hold their baby.
A young woman on another board didn't want those of us who disliked her to even look at pictures of her baby. So I can totally see this.  Perhaps the new mother feels that the only people she can trust around her baby are her mother and sister?  Has she ever raised the subject of "child molesters are everywhere!", or indicated that she thinks non-family can't be trusted around him?

I knew someone like that on another board too.  The woman was kind of a piece of work and rather aggressive too, so there weren't a whole lot of members who did like her because she'd offended so many of them at various times.  I eventually just stopped visiting the board altogether after a while.
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HermioneGranger

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Re: Is this the norm w/ Grandkids?
« Reply #39 on: September 10, 2012, 09:23:27 AM »
I did have a cousin, who, while still pregnant, told her mother (my aunt) that she would not be the 'primary' grandmother.  We didn't know then or know what that means.  Not normal.

If I'd been her mother, I would have asked.    ???  "Exactly what does that mean?"

I assume that means that the mother of the child's father would be spending more time with the child. It's still incredibly rude to say, especially to your own mother. I can't fathom how the mom - to - be actually thought that was a good or appropriate thing to say.

I read it as that both grandmothers would be treated equally, so don't even bother trying to take over or trying to be the favorite.  Some grandparents need to be reminded that their grandchild has another set of grandparents, and it's not all about them. 

gramma dishes

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Re: Is this the norm w/ Grandkids?
« Reply #40 on: September 10, 2012, 11:08:50 AM »

I read it as that both grandmothers would be treated equally, so don't even bother trying to take over or trying to be the favorite.  Some grandparents need to be reminded that their grandchild has another set of grandparents, and it's not all about them.

Oh.  That's a good point.  Maybe that is what she meant, especially if the situation was similar to what ClaireC79 suggested.  But it might possibly have been more tactful to just remind her own mother that the child had two grandmothers and both would be treated --  and loved  --   equally.

MommyPenguin

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Re: Is this the norm w/ Grandkids?
« Reply #41 on: September 10, 2012, 11:19:05 AM »
I remember once as a kid, telling my grandmom, who lived locally, "You're my favorite Grandmom in the whole world!"  I wasn't really even thinking about the fact that I had two grandmothers, it was just my way of saying, "I love you a whole lot," the way I would do with my parents (although saying "You're my favorite Mom in the whole world!" doesn't tend to step on anybody else's heels).   But my grandmother immediately and gently corrected me, "You have *two* favorite Grandmoms."  I thought fast, and said, since my other grandmother was "Nana," "No, she's my favorite Nana in the whole world!"  That way each could be a favorite.  :)

I definitely wonder if it's an attention-getting thing.  Because while my parents and my in-laws adore children and love getting to hold newborns/play with children, they also really enjoy others getting to experience the children as well and are quick to give time to people who don't get to see them as often.  Especially if it's *every* time.

HermioneGranger

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Re: Is this the norm w/ Grandkids?
« Reply #42 on: September 10, 2012, 11:21:06 AM »

I read it as that both grandmothers would be treated equally, so don't even bother trying to take over or trying to be the favorite.  Some grandparents need to be reminded that their grandchild has another set of grandparents, and it's not all about them.

Oh.  That's a good point.  Maybe that is what she meant, especially if the situation was similar to what ClaireC79 suggested.  But it might possibly have been more tactful to just remind her own mother that the child had two grandmothers and both would be treated --  and loved  --   equally.

My parents don't respond to tact.  They have to be bludgeoned over the head sometimes before they "get it". 

PennyandPleased

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Re: Is this the norm w/ Grandkids? RESPONSE
« Reply #43 on: September 11, 2012, 03:24:35 PM »
Thank you everyone for your insight. I'm glad I'm not crazy for thinking their behavior is a bit off.

A lot of you brought up points that, after some thought on my end, made things fall into place.

MIL and SIL felt very abandoned by Sister because she went to college far away then got married right out of college and never came back home, and moved to the same town as her husband's family. She does not visit a lot and they are clearly saddened by this. After some reflexion I know they feel like they "lost" Sister a bit and I think they are doing everything in their power to not loose Grandson. It is very obvious in other forms that they are jealous of Sister's husband and her good relationship with his side of the family.

I know that the parents of Grandson are super laid back and don't care who holds him. So I don't think it's a secret case of "I don't want anyone holding Grandson". Sister is really good about taking Grandson from MIL and giving him to other people. MIL never says anything but the second she sees an opening she will take him back.

One time I was sitting on the floor with Grandson and reading a book with him and he was VERY engrossed in it. Mid-sentence SIL came over and picked him up with out a word and walked away and of course he started screaming. Grandson's Mom yelled at SIL and demanded she put him back with me and the book. That gives you more insight to what they do. Luckily SIL does not care about telling them off.

I think everyone is right when they say it's an insecure 'thing' with MIL and SIL. It all makes perfect sense.