Author Topic: Well I grew a spine!  (Read 5120 times)

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bopper

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Re: Well I grew a spine!
« Reply #15 on: October 18, 2012, 05:21:05 PM »
Good for you!

She may slip, so think ahead of time of a phrase to use.

"My back hurts"
"Well, at least you don't have cancer."
"Mom, it isn't a competition...is there only one person who has lost both their arms and legs and is blind and deaf that is allowed to say anything? I am talking to you so I can vent a little. If you would prefer me not to vent to you, let me know and I can back off. Otherwise, something like "There, there" or "I have a great back doctor" or "Poor baby" or "Let me help you with heavy lifting" would be better options. 

OOps...that is not a phrase :-)  Maybe like "I am just venting mom. No need to compare."

suzieQ

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Re: Well I grew a spine!
« Reply #16 on: October 18, 2012, 05:39:04 PM »
I like that - I am just venting, no need to compare :) thanks I'll keep it in mind.
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CaffeineKatie

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Re: Well I grew a spine!
« Reply #17 on: October 18, 2012, 07:59:31 PM »
Congrats on your shiny new spine!  And for those who are taking issue with the use of email, I would guess you have never dealt with a family bully/drama queen?  Some people will not allow you to express your thoughts without talking over you, screaming, hijacking the subject and/or storming out.  Email is a very good way to express yourself clearly, after reflecting and taking time to consider how you want to make your point.  To slam them and then block them--rude.  To send a thoughtful message and allow them to contact you in return--sorry, I don't think this is any different than sending someone a letter.

suzieQ

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Re: Well I grew a spine!
« Reply #18 on: October 18, 2012, 08:05:00 PM »
Congrats on your shiny new spine!  And for those who are taking issue with the use of email, I would guess you have never dealt with a family bully/drama queen?  Some people will not allow you to express your thoughts without talking over you, screaming, hijacking the subject and/or storming out.  Email is a very good way to express yourself clearly, after reflecting and taking time to consider how you want to make your point.  To slam them and then block them--rude.  To send a thoughtful message and allow them to contact you in return--sorry, I don't think this is any different than sending someone a letter.

Thank you :) You expressed it better than I could. Mom wouldn't have done that but I was raised not to contradict her, not to say certain things, and of course, not to ever talk about *what happened to you* so email was the only way I could really bring myself to do this.
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Midnight Kitty

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Re: Well I grew a spine!
« Reply #19 on: October 18, 2012, 08:15:20 PM »
Sending an email also allows Mom to process this message privately.  Mom may be upset when she reads it, but she can be upset without directing the upset at suzieQ.  Since their next communication was not fraught with drama, I think Mom may still be processing.  She'll probably slip in the future, but, as suzieQ said, she can simply say, "I asked you not to do that" or "I just want a little sympathy from my mother."

I am not good at dealing with the Drama Llamas in my family, so I probably should stop there.  It took me over an hour to find a birthday card for my mother.  All the cards from children thanking their mothers for their understanding & support just made me cry, because that's what we think a mother is supposed to do and my mother just shreds me. :'(
"The first rule is to keep an untroubled spirit.  The second is to look things in the face and know them for what they are."

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Minmom3

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Re: Well I grew a spine!
« Reply #20 on: October 18, 2012, 09:12:36 PM »
Midnight, my mom used to shred me too.  Now that she doesn't anymore (she's gotten a LOT easier to be around since dementia hit her so hard), I still can't give her the warm, rosy, fuzzy Cards To My Mother, because they just do NOT fit our relationship.  My mother is a card carrying PITA; her mental and physical condition has just made her less brutal with it.  Plus, now I KNOW she's broken, and I don't expect a reasonable discourse from her.  I hardly used to talk to her - I'd see her 3 times a year when we lived 2 hours away, because she used to ride rough shod over me constantly.  I loved it when she lived 2 states away, or in another country - no expectations of anything but sporadic telephone calls!  DH and the girls didn't like her any better than I did, and it wasn't because I complained about her, it was because of her direct actions with all of them. 

Buying a card doesn't make my cry, luckily enough, it just makes me squirm with irritation and annoyance.  Now I try to go early, for the best selection, and I go for a funny one.  It's the best I can do.  She's never getting a tender one, ever.  It's not in me.
Mother to children and fuzz butts....

gmatoy

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Re: Well I grew a spine!
« Reply #21 on: October 18, 2012, 10:16:59 PM »
Midnight, my mom used to shred me too.  Now that she doesn't anymore (she's gotten a LOT easier to be around since dementia hit her so hard), I still can't give her the warm, rosy, fuzzy Cards To My Mother, because they just do NOT fit our relationship.  My mother is a card carrying PITA; her mental and physical condition has just made her less brutal with it.  Plus, now I KNOW she's broken, and I don't expect a reasonable discourse from her.  I hardly used to talk to her - I'd see her 3 times a year when we lived 2 hours away, because she used to ride rough shod over me constantly.  I loved it when she lived 2 states away, or in another country - no expectations of anything but sporadic telephone calls!  DH and the girls didn't like her any better than I did, and it wasn't because I complained about her, it was because of her direct actions with all of them. 

Buying a card doesn't make my cry, luckily enough, it just makes me squirm with irritation and annoyance.  Now I try to go early, for the best selection, and I go for a funny one.  It's the best I can do.  She's never getting a tender one, ever.  It's not in me.

And why should it be? Dh's mother: same thing. It is not in you because she didn't nuture you. It takes nuturing for it to be in you!

TootsNYC

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Re: Well I grew a spine!
« Reply #22 on: October 19, 2012, 12:24:07 AM »
Congrats on your shiny new spine!  And for those who are taking issue with the use of email, I would guess you have never dealt with a family bully/drama queen?  Some people will not allow you to express your thoughts without talking over you, screaming, hijacking the subject and/or storming out.  Email is a very good way to express yourself clearly, after reflecting and taking time to consider how you want to make your point.  To slam them and then block them--rude.  To send a thoughtful message and allow them to contact you in return--sorry, I don't think this is any different than sending someone a letter.

True--but I wouldn't be a fan of handling something like this with a letter.

I'm not going to say it's absolutely always wrong, but it has major drawbacks, and it can be incredibly rude and unfair.

Itza

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Re: Well I grew a spine!
« Reply #23 on: October 19, 2012, 07:43:33 AM »
Congrats on your shiny new spine!  And for those who are taking issue with the use of email, I would guess you have never dealt with a family bully/drama queen?  Some people will not allow you to express your thoughts without talking over you, screaming, hijacking the subject and/or storming out.  Email is a very good way to express yourself clearly, after reflecting and taking time to consider how you want to make your point.  To slam them and then block them--rude.  To send a thoughtful message and allow them to contact you in return--sorry, I don't think this is any different than sending someone a letter.

Yes. My former friend would do just that. I was never able to get a word in edgeways.




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