Changing something for guests

[GLaDOS]

I think it's important that it they both previously agreed to take the photo down when she visited.

I would be interested to know why she felt /now/ that it was unacceptable to. I don't fault her for wanting to leave it up, but I can see where her husband is coming from- I would feel comfortable displaying artwork with nudity in my home, but probably not around my parents, and it seems like his mother is already very wound-up about nudity in general.  I don't think either party is in the wrong here, but they need to chat out the underlying reasons for the picture staying up or coming down and what it means for them.

If I thought it might make someone uncomfortable, I think I'd take artwork down for the duration of their visit, but if someone demanded I do so because it was offensive, I wouldn't invite them back over.

[QueenofAllThings]

The interesting thing for me is that he doesn't know how his mother will react - he's assuming. AND he describes his mother as 'anti-porn', not anti-art or anti-culture or extremely religious. It struck me (perhaps incorrectly) almost like Mom was an old-school feminist.

What this tells me is that Mommy makes him nervous. He needs to get past that. Leave the picture up, for sake of marital harmony, and see how Mom reacts. THEN deal with it.

As to me - sure, I change things for guests. I don't drink OJ, but my Dad does, so I buy it when he visits. I put flowers in the guest room (only when there are guests). I don't take anything off the walls, but I will try to tiptoe in the morning if necessary.

[hobish]

On the other hand...

The husband mentioned that the picture may impact the way his mother views him. While you might tell him to man up, and let Mum know he digs pictures of naked women in dinosaur masks, perhaps he's not ready for her to know that. In which case, it's not simply a matter of them making Mum comfortable, it's a matter of one of two people living there not being comfortable being "outed", so to speak. I don't think it's completely fair for his wife to unilaterally demand that he display something that would make him embarrassed in front of his mother.

Not if she ever wants to get a similar gift, anyway.

That is a really good point about being "outed". There are plenty of things my mom just doesn't need to know about me, and we're pretty close. Well, both are good points, actually - Not if she ever wants to get a similar gift, anyway - Haha, yeah.

I defnitely do not equate taking down a potentially offensive piece of art with buying someone's favorite food. Yes, they're both intended to make someone comfortable; but they are two completely different things.

[Moray]

You're certainly not required to make such accomodations, but if it's the matter of one picture that could be easily removed or something of that nature, and the guest is someone you care about and wish to be comfortable - why not?
It's easy to become offended because you don't think you should have to remove it, but then you have to also be willing to accept the repercussions of what that could mean for your relationship with that person.

If it were me and I had a dear friend or loved one who had nude pictures on display (minus things like photos of the David, or something), I would feel immensely uncomfortable. They would not have to take them down for me, and I would be very polite, but the visit would be short, and it would be the last.

Just curious, but where do you draw the line? It's still artwork depicting the nude form, whether it's from 1504 or 2004.

Could be the difference between the nudes you know and the nudes you don't know 

 

[CakeEater]

On the other hand...

The husband mentioned that the picture may impact the way his mother views him. While you might tell him to man up, and let Mum know he digs pictures of naked women in dinosaur masks, perhaps he's not ready for her to know that. In which case, it's not simply a matter of them making Mum comfortable, it's a matter of one of two people living there not being comfortable being "outed", so to speak. I don't think it's completely fair for his wife to unilaterally demand that he display something that would make him embarrassed in front of his mother.

Not if she ever wants to get a similar gift, anyway.

I agree with this. There's things my husband and I talk about, and opinions I hold that I'm not interested in sharing with my mother. And it has nothing to do with 'manning up' and letting mum see who I am. Mum doesn't get to see/know all parts of me.

Hypothetically, I wouldn't bring up a conversation about naked women and state my views about how acceptable I find nudity in art with my strongly anti-porn mother, and I wouldn't leave up an artwork that visually stated these same views where she will be hit in the face with it unexpectedly.

It's fine to say that it's your space and people should be fine with it, or leave. But if I invite someone to share my space, knowing their views on a particular topic, and they don't know mine, and that they're different, it's quite an ask to expect your guest to be fine with not only seeing something that you know they're likely to find offensive, but also hit with the evidence that your views are substantially different to theirs, and to what they thought your views were.

And if it's your parents, that might be more than you'd like to deal with during a visit of a couple of days, which you would like to spend in more pleasant ways.

[DavidH]

I think many people do things to accommodate guests from the mundane to the elaborate.  For example,  I cook more food, and often more elaborate food for guests.  For myself, I might heat a precooked meal, but for a a guest I would be more likely to cook something.  When I'm home alone I might not close the bathroom door, but I would when I have guests over.  If one has a habit of playing scrabble in the living room, many would choose to miss a session when guests are in staying over. 

This letter seems more about respecting your spouses wishes than the guest's, since his mother has never weighed in on this.  I'm not sure how having ones mother see that particular piece of artwork tells her more about the man he is, or is a part of him that he may wish to share.  If the concern is that he doesn't stand up to her, then address that issue, don't create a new one.

[Thipu1]

I think a lot depends on the guests. 

Certainly, when we're having overnight guests, we ask about things like favorite breakfast foods, brands of beer and such. If they don't drink all of it we can manage to down a glass or two of the prune-pomegranate-guava juice they like. A bit of vodka makes anything palatable. 

As for changing the decor, we don't really need to do so.  In the early days of our marriage, Mr. Thipu's parents would often visit. We just made sure that certain books were put away for the duration.  Actually, having overnight guests just might be the spur we need to have a few small posters framed and hung.   

A while back I did ask here about a family heirloom that MIL gave me.  SIL will be visiting at the end of the month and we decided that there would be no problem if the thing stayed in place. 

It all DOES depend on the guests.  If you aren't comfortable with having people see your style of life, the guests shouldn't be guests in your home.  Comfort with guests works both ways.  You should be comfortable with your guests and they should be comfortable with you. 

[Venus193]

If I had a naked portrait of myself and/or my partner hanging anywhere but the master bedroom, I'd probably cover it for the duration of the visit.  But just about anything else, I wouldn't be too concerned about it.

This made me think of a conversation I had a few years ago with a friend whose brother had a nude photo of his girlfriend on the wall of his bedroom.   She objected to the photo on what she felt were two different valid grounds of poor taste, but then I asked her what she was doing in his bedroom.  Dead silence.

[Starchasm]

I'm contrary so I wouldn't take it down.  What I WOULD do is cut out a little paper bikini for her to wear for mom's visit.

That might be a good litmus test for mom's acceptance of the photographic arts, too 

[C0mputerGeek]

The letter confuses me because the husband refers to it as "our" bathroom, which leads me to believe it's a master bathroom, which leads me to believe there is a guest bathroom. If so, the painting can stay since the mother can make use of the guest facilities and will never need to enter the master bathroom to see to nude painting

If you're visiting my home - especially if you stay overnight - then I am fond of you and will make some changes to accommodate you.

When my closest friends come to visit for more than a few days, I purchase specialty grocery items for them. I have also stocked up on extra blankets and pillow for my best friend, "Wanda," who gets cold easily and likes to sleep with 6-8 pillows.

I will not purchase specialty cooking items (e.g. coffee pots, pans) unless it's something I will be able to use. My kitchen space is limited; I am only "spending" it on items that I can use for me.

Would I purchase a specialty brand of Vodka (or orange juice or other liquid)? It depends. How much does it cost and, why do you need it? I'm not running a high end resort; you’ll get basic beverage choices. I have water, juice and wine. I don't see the need to provide much beyond that.

I really can't see taking pictures down from the wall. "Redecorating" is a much different request from having a specific food item. It's not one I would really honor unless I had good reason.

 

I would be interested to know why she felt /now/ that it was unacceptable to. I don't fault her for wanting to leave it up, but I can see where her husband is coming from- I would feel comfortable displaying artwork with nudity in my home, but probably not around my parents, and it seems like his mother is already very wound-up about nudity in general.  I don't think either party is in the wrong here, but they need to chat out the underlying reasons for the picture staying up or coming down and what it means for them.

Maybe it's a pain to remount the photo on the hooks? I have my parent's wedding photos in my upstairs hallway. The particular hooks that I used make it somewhat difficult to rehang the pictures (I've had to take them down multiple times due to an issue with flooding and having my home soundproofed). This is not something I noticed until after I had taken the photos down the first time.

[learningtofly]

I too think it depends on the guest.  My uncle had masks hanging on the wall of his den.  Life is his house centered around the den and my brother and I were always in there.  The masks scared my brother to the point of tears.  My cousins were used to them, but to a four year old they were terrifying.  So my uncle removed them for the duration of our visit. 

No one demanded, and we could have moved to a hotel.  However, being a gracious host my uncle had no problem removing an object that terrified his nephew.  I suspect an adult would have sucked it up, but people sometimes make exceptions for children.

[kherbert05]

I had a friend with a flip of this problem.


Her MIL gave her a piece of art that depicted a stereotype of a certain type of female figure associated with a particular race.


Friend did not like the picture. She also felt that it would come across as racist to certain friends. Her DH wanted to please mom. MIL and DH felt that since the artist was of that particular race it wasn't racist. (Friend never said the artist or the work was racist just that certain people might judge them because they are a different race. Her friends assured her that her actions were more important than MIL's picture)


 


Solved when the MIL got herself cut off for a year over another issue about home decor. Once allowed back she toes the line.  Piece is gone.

[sourwolf]

I hide the bacon if there are any muslims around.

Wait...huh? You know that the mere absence of pork products is not what makes a kitchen compliant with Halal or Kosher laws, yes?

I'm sure you didn't mean it this way, but that sounded awfully dismissive of people's sincerely-held religious beliefs, not to mention that it sounds like you don't trust your Muslim or Jewish friends to behave nicely/not pitch a fit in a non-Halal or Kosher environment.

Let's calm down everyone, I read this as Pippen just using the phrase "I hide" to mean that she doesn't serve bacon when she has Muslim guests, and she didn't say a word about trying to comply with Kosher laws.  I don't think she is being dismissive of others' beliefs at all.

I'm not sure who is supposed to calm down? Moray was asking a perfectly reasonable question.  If Moray hadn't asked it I'm sure someone else would have.  And frankly Pippen's post did seem rather dismissive.

[I'mnotinsane]

Is anyone else wondering if the photo is of the wife, creating a slightly different issue?

[NyaChan]

I hide the bacon if there are any muslims around.

Wait...huh? You know that the mere absence of pork products is not what makes a kitchen compliant with Halal or Kosher laws, yes?

I'm sure you didn't mean it this way, but that sounded awfully dismissive of people's sincerely-held religious beliefs, not to mention that it sounds like you don't trust your Muslim or Jewish friends to behave nicely/not pitch a fit in a non-Halal or Kosher environment.

Let's calm down everyone, I read this as Pippen just using the phrase "I hide" to mean that she doesn't serve bacon when she has Muslim guests, and she didn't say a word about trying to comply with Kosher laws.  I don't think she is being dismissive of others' beliefs at all.

I'm not sure who is supposed to calm down? Moray was asking a perfectly reasonable question.  If Moray hadn't asked it I'm sure someone else would have.  And frankly Pippen's post did seem rather dismissive.

I was trying to forestall the conversation devolving into a prolonged discussion of what Pippen meant vs. what she posted and all the intricacies of keeping a kitchen according to various religious diets.  I feel like lately there has been a good bit of nitpicking on ehell about word choice and over-interpreting posts (I am probably guilty of this as well) - but you are right, I could have used better words.