Changing something for guests

[Winterlight]

If I had something up like this picture that I knew would make a well loved and liked guest uncomfortable to be around but who would never voice a complaint about the picture,  then I would take it down because I want my well loved and liked guests to be as comfortable as possible.

This.

If my mom were coming to visit, I'd stash some stuff. She doesn't need to know about certain aspects of my personal life, and she really, really wouldn't want, anyway.

[hannahmollysmom]

I have a coffee maker that I dust off when I have guests. I also do little things to accomodate them. I'm still on the fence about the picture though. It is their house after all.

I am guilty though of bringing out an ugly gift that was given by the guest, so they won't be offended that I don't display it.

[Pippen]

I hide the bacon if there are any muslims around.

Wait...huh? You know that the mere absence of pork products is not what makes a kitchen compliant with Halal or Kosher laws, yes?

I'm sure you didn't mean it this way, but that sounded awfully dismissive of people's sincerely-held religious beliefs, not to mention that it sounds like you don't trust your Muslim or Jewish friends to behave nicely/not pitch a fit in a non-Halal or Kosher environment.

Let's calm down everyone, I read this as Pippen just using the phrase "I hide" to mean that she doesn't serve bacon when she has Muslim guests, and she didn't say a word about trying to comply with Kosher laws.  I don't think she is being dismissive of others' beliefs at all.

Exactly. I'm sure they wouldn't have a problem with it at all. It's just something I remove so they don't feel squicky about it. Some people might be fine with it but some might be revolted by it. I came home one day to some visitors frying chicken hearts. The smell was diabolical and the thought of eating them left me gagging. Even just seeing them made me feel ill and I banned them from the house. I could imagine someone who has a cultural or religious view on pork products having a much greater aversion to it and removing it is just being sensitive to things may not like being around.

I worked with a lovely and very observant Jewish girl and if we went out to lunch with her we would always choose a place which had the lowest probability of serving anything with pork or seafood. She couldn't eat with us because it wasn't Kosher food but it was for the sociability of it. We could hardly invite her for lunch even if she wasn't eating and have her be around things that she would be grossed out by.

[sourwolf]

I hide the bacon if there are any muslims around.

Wait...huh? You know that the mere absence of pork products is not what makes a kitchen compliant with Halal or Kosher laws, yes?

I'm sure you didn't mean it this way, but that sounded awfully dismissive of people's sincerely-held religious beliefs, not to mention that it sounds like you don't trust your Muslim or Jewish friends to behave nicely/not pitch a fit in a non-Halal or Kosher environment.

Let's calm down everyone, I read this as Pippen just using the phrase "I hide" to mean that she doesn't serve bacon when she has Muslim guests, and she didn't say a word about trying to comply with Kosher laws.  I don't think she is being dismissive of others' beliefs at all.

Exactly. I'm sure they wouldn't have a problem with it at all. It's just something I remove so they don't feel squicky about it. Some people might be fine with it but some might be revolted by it. I came home one day to some visitors frying chicken hearts. The smell was diabolical and the thought of eating them left me gagging. Even just seeing them made me feel ill and I banned them from the house. I could imagine someone who has a cultural or religious view on pork products having a much greater aversion to it and removing it is just being sensitive to things may not like being around.

I worked with a lovely and very observant Jewish girl and if we went out to lunch with her we would always choose a place which had the lowest probability of serving anything with pork or seafood. She couldn't eat with us because it wasn't Kosher food but it was for the sociability of it. We could hardly invite her for lunch even if she wasn't eating and have her be around things that she would be grossed out by.

See this post, especially the last line still seems a bit dismissive.  I've had quite a few Muslim friends and roughly a quarter of my family is Jewish and not once have  any of them been "grossed out" by non Halal/Kosher food.  To me "grossed out" is the way middle school students act when faced with unidentifiable mystery meat in the cafeteria.  I expect more from adults.

Maybe dismissive isn't the word I'm looking for, but I get the sense that you think you are being proactive in trying to "protect" people, which is sweet but not really necessary.

[Pippen]

I hide the bacon if there are any muslims around.

Wait...huh? You know that the mere absence of pork products is not what makes a kitchen compliant with Halal or Kosher laws, yes?

I'm sure you didn't mean it this way, but that sounded awfully dismissive of people's sincerely-held religious beliefs, not to mention that it sounds like you don't trust your Muslim or Jewish friends to behave nicely/not pitch a fit in a non-Halal or Kosher environment.

Let's calm down everyone, I read this as Pippen just using the phrase "I hide" to mean that she doesn't serve bacon when she has Muslim guests, and she didn't say a word about trying to comply with Kosher laws.  I don't think she is being dismissive of others' beliefs at all.

Exactly. I'm sure they wouldn't have a problem with it at all. It's just something I remove so they don't feel squicky about it. Some people might be fine with it but some might be revolted by it. I came home one day to some visitors frying chicken hearts. The smell was diabolical and the thought of eating them left me gagging. Even just seeing them made me feel ill and I banned them from the house. I could imagine someone who has a cultural or religious view on pork products having a much greater aversion to it and removing it is just being sensitive to things may not like being around.

I worked with a lovely and very observant Jewish girl and if we went out to lunch with her we would always choose a place which had the lowest probability of serving anything with pork or seafood. She couldn't eat with us because it wasn't Kosher food but it was for the sociability of it. We could hardly invite her for lunch even if she wasn't eating and have her be around things that she would be grossed out by.

See this post, especially the last line still seems a bit dismissive.  I've had quite a few Muslim friends and roughly a quarter of my family is Jewish and not once have  any of them been "grossed out" by non Halal/Kosher food.  To me "grossed out" is the way middle school students act when faced with unidentifiable mystery meat in the cafeteria.  I expect more from adults.

Maybe dismissive isn't the word I'm looking for, but I get the sense that you think you are being proactive in trying to "protect" people, which is sweet but not really necessary.

OK. But this girl had never eaten in a restaurant in her life until she was 16 and went to Israel on holiday. All she knew was kosher food which had been cooked at home and anything else seemed odd and very unappealing to her. Knowing that there is no way I would do something to make her uncomfortable if it could be so easily avoided. Pretty much anyone would no my house would not meet any cultural or religious dietary standards but that does't mean I can't be mindful of things and simply remove the major ones that may be an issue.

[Gyburc]

I think that the issue raised in the Dear Prudence letter goes beyond just making accommodations for guests (ie. buying coffee or tea, or the makings for a vegetarian meal).

It sounds as if the writer expects his mother to be massively offended by the picture and there to be a Large Unpleasantness between the writer and his wife on one side and his mother on the other. If this is the case, then to my mind the best option really would be to move the picture out of the bathroom* for the duration of the visit.

To borrow a phrase, it is best to know which skirmishes to join, and which to avoid!

*It has just occurred to me - I've been assuming that the picture is in the main bathroom that guests would use, so the mother would be forced to look at it every day she was there. However, if the picture were in the couple's en-suite bathroom, which guests normally wouldn't have access to, I would say don't take it down.

[SPuck]

While on the subject of tasteful nudes, what about visiting or having a photo of this? http://newsfeed.time.com/2012/09/06/englands-largest-nude-land-sculpture-is-unveiled/

[Sharnita]

I think that the issue raised in the Dear Prudence letter goes beyond just making accommodations for guests (ie. buying coffee or tea, or the makings for a vegetarian meal).

It sounds as if the writer expects his mother to be massively offended by the picture and there to be a Large Unpleasantness between the writer and his wife on one side and his mother on the other. If this is the case, then to my mind the best option really would be to move the picture out of the bathroom* for the duration of the visit.

To borrow a phrase, it is best to know which skirmishes to join, and which to avoid!

*It has just occurred to me - I've been assuming that the picture is in the main bathroom that guests would use, so the mother would be forced to look at it every day she was there. However, if the picture were in the couple's en-suite bathroom, which guests normally wouldn't have access to, I would say don't take it down.

it doesn't say it was their "en-suite bathroom.  it says "our bathroom".  Now that could be an en-suite bathroom but he could mean "we have a nude hanging in our one and only bathroom"  I know plenty of people who call the bathroom our bathroom.

[Thipu1]

Is anyone else wondering if the photo is of the wife, creating a slightly different issue?

Oh, yes.  That does put a different spin on things.  However, if the woman in the picture is wearing a mask that problem doesn't really arise.

You can also manage the situation with a little fib.  If Mum expresses displeasure you can calmly say, 'Oh, yes.  That's our (fictional artist).  Her work has really appreciated in value lately'.

[Ciarrai]

The letter confuses me because the husband refers to it as "our" bathroom, which leads me to believe it's a master bathroom, which leads me to believe there is a guest bathroom. If so, the painting can stay since the mother can make use of the guest facilities and will never need to enter the master bathroom to see to nude painting

I read it as there only being one bathroom, so perhaps it's an apartment or some such, not necessarily a house with more than one bathroom.

I also didn't get the impression that the photo was of the wife, but perhaps I didn't read it into enough. I would think he would have said if it was of his wife though, since that could make a difference in how his mother reacts to it.

[TootsNYC]

I think many people do things to accommodate guests from the mundane to the elaborate.  For example,  I cook more food, and often more elaborate food for guests.  For myself, I might heat a precooked meal, but for a a guest I would be more likely to cook something.  When I'm home alone I might not close the bathroom door, but I would when I have guests over.  If one has a habit of playing scrabble in the living room, many would choose to miss a session when guests are in staying over. 

This letter seems more about respecting your spouses wishes than the guest's, since his mother has never weighed in on this.  I'm not sure how having ones mother see that particular piece of artwork tells her more about the man he is, or is a part of him that he may wish to share.  If the concern is that he doesn't stand up to her, then address that issue, don't create a new one.

Yep! This isn't about guests. It's about marital dynamics and adult-child dynamics.

And I wonder as well whether part of the wife's increasing resistance is that she's tired of tip-toeing around the MIL, and that the MIL annoys her.

[artk2002]

The letter confuses me because the husband refers to it as "our" bathroom, which leads me to believe it's a master bathroom, which leads me to believe there is a guest bathroom. If so, the painting can stay since the mother can make use of the guest facilities and will never need to enter the master bathroom to see to nude painting

If I lived in a house with only one bathroom, I'd probably refer to it as "our" bathroom. I think you're reading far too much into one word.

In any case, I can see how the wife is feeling dismissed, even if she had originally agreed to have the picture taken down. People are allowed to reassess their feelings. There needs to be a wife/husband discussion about this, but my preferred solution would be to leave it up. If MIL is upset finding out that her little boy is an adult with adult tastes, that's on her. He shouldn't be trying to shield his mother from the fact that he has (mostly) grown up.

[hobish]

Is anyone else wondering if the photo is of the wife, creating a slightly different issue?

I don’t think so. I think I have an idea of the print they are referring to. I can’t remember where I saw it, and I can’t Google it at the moment; but I can picture it in my head. I may be wrong, the one I am thinking of looks a little more like a pin-up girl drawing than a photograph.

ETA: I am not sure what i would do. I have a print that used to be in my bathroom that could have been offensive to some. My solution was to hang it inside my bathroom closet door.  Don't want to be offended by my oddball tastes? Don't poke your nose where it doesn't belong. That was my decision, though, not one that was pressed upon me so the circumstances are quite different.

[Outdoor Girl]

I have a print that used to be in my bathroom that could have been offensive to some. My solution was to hang it inside my bathroom closet door.  Don't want to be offended by my oddball tastes? Don't poke your nose where it doesn't belong. That was my decision, though, not one that was pressed upon me so the circumstances are quite different.

Brilliant!  They can't complain to you without giving up that they were being nosey.

[LazyDaisy]

I thought the wife was being a bit of a SS to draw such a hard line in the sand over one little picture. It isn't like the husband goes around redecorating the entire house just for his mother. In Prudence's response she says "Most telling, perhaps, is not your mother's views on pornography but your implicit description that unless everything goes her way and everyone tiptoes around her, she ensures a miserable time is had by all..." I think Prudence is engaging in a bit of an interesting assumption. He didn't describe her as demanding and pouty -- just that this one issue of nudity is very bothersome for her. She could be the pillar of gracious guest otherwise.

But it's funny in a ironic way that the husband married someone who is so insistent that he toe her line that she's willing to cause him problems with his mother just to make point that, "this is her space and if someone doesn't like the picture, that's their problem." This is his house too, so it's not just her space. I wonder if he makes any sacrifices to his time/schedule/preferences when her family or friends visit. If so, and who doesn't when guests visit, it's her turn.

I have many decorative pieces that I adore, but none so much that I'd risk alienating either my (hypothetical) spouse or his family just to mark my territory. It may sound like his mother's comfort is more important that his wife's, but isn't the wife making a statement that this photo is more important to her than her husband's happiness and relationship with his mother? Seriously, she can't live without it on the wall of the bathroom for a few days? If the photo was so key to her and her husband's identity, wouldn't it be on the living room wall or their bedroom? IMO, the damp conditions of a bathroom is where people hang the least important artwork in the house.