Flirting w/Husband

[weeblewobble]

I would be angry at her, but I'd be angry with my spouse too.  He needs to speak up for himself and say something.  When she flashed him, he should have said "Don't do that again, it's not something I care to see."  And if it happened twice, he should stand up and excuse himself.  As for her sitting in his lap, he could have certainly told her to get off of him.  Had she not, he would have been well within his rights to either stand up or if that wasn't possible to forcibly dump her on the ground.

This is more than flirting and it's blatantly disrespectful to the both of you and your marriage.  It should not be up to you to handle it, your husband should be handling it--even if it's uncomfortable for him to do so.

I've been told that I flirt too--but I have never been found with my derrierre parked in another man's lap or lifting my blouse to show off that which only my husband and doctor should ever see.  Nor would I excuse this with "oh, that's just how he/she is."  Maybe it's because we've had experience with things like this in the past, but, often I find that people like this are behaving this way to either feel you out and push your boundaries or for attention.  Either way, it's deplorable and should not be tolerated, not even for a second.

If you discuss this with her, it will inevitably come down to her telling you that you're too uptight and JEALOUS.  So both you and hubby need to be on board with making your boundaries clear.  If she crawls on his lap, he needs to stand up, get her off of him and tell her "Don't do that."  If she flashes him, touches him or speaks to him inappropriately, he needs to tell her, "Stop that.  I don't like it."

This too.

I could not agree more! My DH once came home and tossed a phone number into the trash. I was upset. He didn't understand what the problem was, I mean he'd tossed it immediately, right? He'd only taken it so as not to embarass her or hurt her feelings. I explained to him that even though he and I knew that, the woman who'd given him the number did not. As far as she was concerned my DH was out there in the world somewhere considering calling her, and that was disrespectful to me and our marriage.

Last week, there was an ehell blog post about two women who went to a bar for happy hour.  The waitress approached the OP and told her that a man across the bar sent her a drink and attempted to serve her said drink.  The OP smiled politely at the man and said, "No, thank you."  The waitress walked away and the OP's friend ripped into her about how RUDE she was and how that poor man would probably never work up the nerve to talk to approach another woman in a bar.  And how the polite thing to do would have been to accept the drink, just to protect the man's feelings.

So, it's better to accept the drink and make the other man think the OP is available?  It's better to lead the other person on and set them up for greater disappointment when they approach her, thinking she is receptive to their attentions?  It's better for the OP to be possibly seen by an acquaintance at the bar, accepting drinks from strange men, and word of that activity getting back to her husband, causing problems in their marriage?

The same principle applies to your husband and the number. It's better to be up-front and honest and protect your relationship, rather than protect the feelings of a stranger.

[ShanghaiJill]

She's going to sit in the wrong lap and get her clock cleaned by some wife with less self control.

[VltGrantham]

So, it's better to accept the drink and make the other man think the OP is available?  It's better to lead the other person on and set them up for greater disappointment when they approach her, thinking she is receptive to their attentions?  It's better for the OP to be possibly seen by an acquaintance at the bar, accepting drinks from strange men, and word of that activity getting back to her husband, causing problems in their marriage?

The same principle applies to your husband and the number. It's better to be up-front and honest and protect your relationship, rather than protect the feelings of a stranger.

Agreed.  This is akin to the aggrieved spouse complaining that an affair was entirely the fault of the homewrecker who poached on their marriage, rather than the fault of the spouse who took vows of fidelity.

That what this woman did is in poor taste and completely inappropriate, unacceptable, etc., is not being disputed.  She's a twit, a moron, and a couple of other things I can't write for fear of being banned.  I simply have a hard time seeing the husband as a helpless victim of her outlandish behavior.  While I can understand his surprise, there is really no excuse for him failing to act not once, but twice--most especially since they were apparently well aware of this woman's propensity for behaving so immodestly.  The wife should not have to resolve this issue.  However, since he did not, a frank discussion between husband and wife should take place on what will happen in future should anything remotely like this occur. 

I would be mighty peeved if my husband were more worried about protecting others' feelings or beliefs over mine.

[gingerzing]

I understand the thought about the guy needing to stand up or speak out about the "Flirt/Maneater".  However, for guys like my DH, they are usually pretty oblivious to flirting in general.  Seriously, my guy never sees it unless it is done in force with a blunt object.  Most good guys are not use to being the "prey" and so probably don't know what to do. 

Just before we were married, my now-DH came to a work event and said that some woman was hitting on him.  He acknowledged that she was very aggressive since he normally wouldn't have noticed.  The next year, he came to another event (we were married by this point) and the woman hit on him in front of me.  Added bonus she was our HR director at the time.  He stuck to me like glue anytime he saw her. 
Granted she didn't flash him or sit in his lap, but he was worried about how to deal with her since she could fire me.   (She has since left the company several years ago)

Since the husband in the OP was not responding to the "attacks" and didn't encourage them, I am going to give him a little more leaway. 

[bah12]

I agree with PPs that this woman's behavior is more bizarre than flirtatious.

As for general flirting, there are some people who have a more flirty personality.  They don't necessarily intend that they are trying to get sexual attention.  And while some people may get that impression from them, I'm comfortable knowing that my DH would not.

Yet, there are some people out there who all out flirt for totally inappropriate reasons/motivations.  I don't feel like it should ever be my job to take care of it if another woman is flirting with my husband any more than it's his job to take care of another man flirting with me.

I do hold the married spoused being flirted with responsible to some degree.  We are adults that need to take care of ourselves.  If a man showed interest in me beyond platonic friendship, I'd be very clear that I'm married and uninterested.  And if a woman plopped herself on my husband's lap, no matter how surprised he may be by it, I'd expect him to say "Get off now!"  When the behavior continues despite saying "stop it", then the behavior becomes harrassment and a whole other topic.

[Diane AKA Traska]

EvilTraska's on the hunt lately... she suggests that do what you do with pets that jump into laps when they're not wanted.  Squirt them with a water gun.  As for the flashing... wow.  That's actually got me stumped.  The funniest thing is when the husband was described as "stunned", I honestly thought "deer in the headlights".

[JenJay]

I would be angry at her, but I'd be angry with my spouse too.  He needs to speak up for himself and say something.  When she flashed him, he should have said "Don't do that again, it's not something I care to see."  And if it happened twice, he should stand up and excuse himself.  As for her sitting in his lap, he could have certainly told her to get off of him.  Had she not, he would have been well within his rights to either stand up or if that wasn't possible to forcibly dump her on the ground.

This is more than flirting and it's blatantly disrespectful to the both of you and your marriage.  It should not be up to you to handle it, your husband should be handling it--even if it's uncomfortable for him to do so.

I've been told that I flirt too--but I have never been found with my derrierre parked in another man's lap or lifting my blouse to show off that which only my husband and doctor should ever see.  Nor would I excuse this with "oh, that's just how he/she is."  Maybe it's because we've had experience with things like this in the past, but, often I find that people like this are behaving this way to either feel you out and push your boundaries or for attention.  Either way, it's deplorable and should not be tolerated, not even for a second.

If you discuss this with her, it will inevitably come down to her telling you that you're too uptight and JEALOUS.  So both you and hubby need to be on board with making your boundaries clear.  If she crawls on his lap, he needs to stand up, get her off of him and tell her "Don't do that."  If she flashes him, touches him or speaks to him inappropriately, he needs to tell her, "Stop that.  I don't like it."

This too.

I could not agree more! My DH once came home and tossed a phone number into the trash. I was upset. He didn't understand what the problem was, I mean he'd tossed it immediately, right? He'd only taken it so as not to embarass her or hurt her feelings. I explained to him that even though he and I knew that, the woman who'd given him the number did not. As far as she was concerned my DH was out there in the world somewhere considering calling her, and that was disrespectful to me and our marriage.

Last week, there was an ehell blog post about two women who went to a bar for happy hour.  The waitress approached the OP and told her that a man across the bar sent her a drink and attempted to serve her said drink.  The OP smiled politely at the man and said, "No, thank you."  The waitress walked away and the OP's friend ripped into her about how RUDE she was and how that poor man would probably never work up the nerve to talk to approach another woman in a bar.  And how the polite thing to do would have been to accept the drink, just to protect the man's feelings.

So, it's better to accept the drink and make the other man think the OP is available?  It's better to lead the other person on and set them up for greater disappointment when they approach her, thinking she is receptive to their attentions?  It's better for the OP to be possibly seen by an acquaintance at the bar, accepting drinks from strange men, and word of that activity getting back to her husband, causing problems in their marriage?

The same principle applies to your husband and the number. It's better to be up-front and honest and protect your relationship, rather than protect the feelings of a stranger.

Exactly! DH totally "got it" after the phone number thing and it hasn't been an issue since. I'd also refuse a drink, for the same reasons you mentioned!

We've been married nearly 20 years and we've found there are two questions that make any situation a no-brainer. First - "Would I be comfortable if my spouse was doing what I'm considering doing?" and "Would I do this if my spouse was sitting right here next to me?" If you can't answer "absolutely" to both then you'd better err on the side of caution and excuse yourself from the situation. There have been times I KNOW my behavior was 100% innocent but when I turned it around and put DH in my shoes I went "Whoops, not cool."

[Jones]

There's a local man who has been banned from a particular bar. He was at the bar, a tipsy woman (could be described as "cougar" based on their ages) plopped herself into his lap and started doing the predatorial flirt thing. He pushed her off his lap when she didn't respect his refusal, and somehow in her drunken state she managed to break her arm on a nearby table leg 

I got this story the next day from a friend (third party) who had witnessed it. About a week later I was at a store and a woman with her arm in a cast was loudly explaining about the young man (who must have been half her age) who had "attacked" her in a bar fight--yes, it was the same woman, per the date and bar name she gave.

With situations like this occurring, is it any wonder that some men are hesitant to outright reject an obnoxious woman searching for sexual affirmation?

[Blondie]

This.   Flirting is one thing.  This woman is on the hunt.  And flashing isn't flirting...it's "Girl Gone Wild - the Golden Years"
Sounds like your poor husband was mostly stunned. 

After this I am advocating for a change in title to "Golden Girls Gone Wild" I dare you to read that and not think of Betty White and laugh. Which is really the way to treat this story, as a silly grasping old woman deserving of pity (oh, poor dear) and possibly a good therapist (evil Blondie says knock on the head. That is why she stays caged.)

[Diane AKA Traska]

This.   Flirting is one thing.  This woman is on the hunt.  And flashing isn't flirting...it's "Girl Gone Wild - the Golden Years"
Sounds like your poor husband was mostly stunned. 

After this I am advocating for a change in title to "Golden Girls Gone Wild" I dare you to read that and not think of Betty White and laugh. Which is really the way to treat this story, as a silly grasping old woman deserving of pity (oh, poor dear) and possibly a good therapist (evil Blondie says knock on the head. That is why she stays caged.)

Actually, wasn't it Rue, not Betty, who was the usual one on the prowl?

[bloo]

EvilTraska's on the hunt lately... she suggests that do what you do with pets that jump into laps when they're not wanted.  Squirt them with a water gun.  As for the flashing... wow.  That's actually got me stumped.  The funniest thing is when the husband was described as "stunned", I honestly thought "deer in the headlights".

heh heh.."headlights" I see what you did there...

[VltGrantham]

However, for guys like my DH, they are usually pretty oblivious to flirting in general.  Seriously, my guy never sees it unless it is done in force with a blunt object.  Most good guys are not use to being the "prey" and so probably don't know what to do. 

My husband can be quite oblivious too.  However, I find it hard to believe that any person, male or female, would not recognize that another individual flashing them and/or sitting in their lap is not wildly inappropriate behavior and that to allow it, without saying or doing anything, is disrespectful to one's spouse or partner.  Most especially when they know before going into a situation that someone is more than a little "out there" with his or her behavior.

With situations like this occurring, is it any wonder that some men are hesitant to outright reject an obnoxious woman searching for sexual affirmation?

Honestly that really just sounds like an excuse.  Men aren't helpless to respond because of fear of lawsuits--which I suspect is pretty rare.  And at any rate, I never heard of anyone getting sued for saying "STOP THAT.  GET OFF OF ME."

[Blondie]

This.   Flirting is one thing.  This woman is on the hunt.  And flashing isn't flirting...it's "Girl Gone Wild - the Golden Years"
Sounds like your poor husband was mostly stunned. 

After this I am advocating for a change in title to "Golden Girls Gone Wild" I dare you to read that and not think of Betty White and laugh. Which is really the way to treat this story, as a silly grasping old woman deserving of pity (oh, poor dear) and possibly a good therapist (evil Blondie says knock on the head. That is why she stays caged.)

Actually, wasn't it Rue, not Betty, who was the usual one on the prowl?

It was. Betty White just does a better "oh-so-innocent" face 

[Diane AKA Traska]

This.   Flirting is one thing.  This woman is on the hunt.  And flashing isn't flirting...it's "Girl Gone Wild - the Golden Years"
Sounds like your poor husband was mostly stunned. 

After this I am advocating for a change in title to "Golden Girls Gone Wild" I dare you to read that and not think of Betty White and laugh. Which is really the way to treat this story, as a silly grasping old woman deserving of pity (oh, poor dear) and possibly a good therapist (evil Blondie says knock on the head. That is why she stays caged.)

Actually, wasn't it Rue, not Betty, who was the usual one on the prowl?

It was. Betty White just does a better "oh-so-innocent" face 

The irony there, of course, being in their pre-Golden Girls days, their positions were totally reversed, with Betty being wild and Rue being innocent.

[Mental Magpie]

The whole phone number thing wouldn't have even phased me.  I probably would have kissed Dark Boyfriend and told him, "See?  I'm not the only one who thinks you're handsome."  Things like that just don't bother me, but I realize that I may be one of the few.

The flashing would have probably gotten a, "I could have done without," from Dark Boyfriend.  As for the lady in his lap...well, I'd have let him handle it, and if he was too "dear in the headlights" (hehheh Traska, thanks for that), I probably would have gone for embarrassing the E-Hell out of the lady.  Sarcasm is my default, after all.