Possibly the most outrageous request I've ever heard! Update pg. 9, 15, 20, 29

[MorgnsGrl]

This whole situation makes me feel ill.

If I were Susan, I would sit down with my brother and lay it all on the table. "Look, I get that my physical difference makes Louise uncomfortable, and I get that you love her, but her making a proclamation that I can only attend the wedding if I wear my prosthetic is going to create a huge rift in our family. It's not my responsibility to change my physical appearance to make her more comfortable. The thought of not attending your wedding breaks my heart. You need to have a discussion with her and make this right." If he was unwilling to do this, or if his attempt was unsuccessful, then I'd have to take further steps, which would probably next be talking to my parents so THEY could have a serious discussion with the couple.

[snowdragon]

Why should Susan have protect the bride? Or her brother for that matter? Why is she not worthy of having the support of her family as she goes through a hurtful situation?  Dave and his bride want their family's support,  why should Susan be denied that?

[YummyMummy66]

I have to wonder if Dave and Louise ever have chilldren and that child is not perfect, what is Louise going to do then?

Has Dave even thought of that situation?

If not, I think he needs to have this put into his head now and really do think about this. 

Like others have stated, Susan should most definitly tell her parents about the situation, because I am sure in the coming weeks, they are going to notice Susan's demeanor and why she is not excited about the upcoming wedding. I don't think she should hide this from anyone.

[DistantStar]

Some people have no shame.  I didn't marry a man once because his parents disapproved and said they'd boycott the wedding and why they didn't exactly say why, I'm a little person, and I remain convinced to this day that was why.  (They lived out of state, we drove up for a visit, the second we got home he called to tell them were were home and things got ugly.)  Talk about a painful way to find out somebody you want to marry is a little too attached to his parents -- he's the one who called it off after a long nasty phone call from them about it!

Susan needs to give her brother a dose of reality -- this is how the woman you want to marry is going to treat her?  Forget it!  She should not keep this a secret, and this is not a one-time thing, this will happen every time there's a family get-together.  This woman is poison.

[Calypso]

AngelB, I'm a private person and would usually side with "let the two grown women handle it between them." But, although I am certain Louise doesn't get this (I don't suspect her of ulterior  motives here, just poor character), this isn't just between Louise and Susan---this is a "community" matter.

Suppose this was a racial bias---suppose Susan was the groom's half sister or step sister or something, and not the same color as the rest of the groom's family. Were Louise to try to exclude Susan from the bridal party or the wedding in that case (oh! but the pictures just won't. look. right!), I think other people need to know that this is who Louise is. Not in a "oh, isn't Louise a terrible person" way but ---- I don't know, I just know *I* would want to be aware of this before I came to Louise's wedding. It would affect how I regard my relationship with her.

I truly think Louise has no idea how unacceptable her thinking is. I hope very much this can be a wake up call for her, and she's able to learn. If not, and bro does still marry her, I agree with PPs who say he deserves what he gets (ugh).

[PeterM]

When did it become etiquette accepted to tell everyone when someone did something mean to you and try to get them to hat the person as well? Trying to get everyone to cancel, essentially ruining the bride and groom's wedding is not proper etiquette, it's revenge plane and simple.

I agree with this. Susan shouldn't go out of her way to try and influence anyone's thinking or actions in response to Louise's snub. I don't think, however, that she should make any effort to keep the truth of the matter secret. And that includes vague "We had a falling out" replies when people ask. And people are definitely going to ask. When they do, Susan should give them the facts in her best "Joe Friday" monotone. "Louise has asked me not to attend because I don't wish to hide the fact that I'm missing half an arm." Let everyone she tells make their own decisions on how to react to that information, without any prodding from Susan.

Frankly, I have absolutely no problem believing that Louise will be happy to spread lies about why Susan is not attending, so I don't see this as a situation where playing coy and refusing to give details will do anything but let Louise control the version of the truth that gets disseminated. Grace and dignity do not require anyone to let someone spread lies about them.

[LeveeWoman]

What will happen when the couple have children? Will they tell Dave's sister to either wear the prosthetic arm or stay away from their kids?

Maybe Dave needs an intervention.

[camlan]

When did it become etiquette accepted to tell everyone when someone did something mean to you and try to get them to hat the person as well? Trying to get everyone to cancel, essentially ruining the bride and groom's wedding is not proper etiquette, it's revenge plane and simple.

I agree with this. Susan shouldn't go out of her way to try and influence anyone's thinking or actions in response to Louise's snub. I don't think, however, that she should make any effort to keep the truth of the matter secret. And that includes vague "We had a falling out" replies when people ask. And people are definitely going to ask. When they do, Susan should give them the facts in her best "Joe Friday" monotone. "Louise has asked me not to attend because I don't wish to hide the fact that I'm missing half an arm." Let everyone she tells make their own decisions on how to react to that information, without any prodding from Susan.

Frankly, I have absolutely no problem believing that Louise will be happy to spread lies about why Susan is not attending, so I don't see this as a situation where playing coy and refusing to give details will do anything but let Louise control the version of the truth that gets disseminated. Grace and dignity do not require anyone to let someone spread lies about them.

Agree 100%.

The second Louise realizes that her demands for Susan's attendance at the wedding will not be well-received by most people, Louise will go into damage-control mode. And given her track record, I don't think she'd have any problem throwing Susan under the bus.

[Sharnita]

Like I said, I might very well drop out if I was in the WP.  Of course, I don't know that my pus sized self would be in the WP to begin with, or what kind of shaping undergarments might be assigned to me to wear.

[Outdoor Girl]

Susan can absolutely still handle this situation with grace and dignity while still letting people know exactly what kind of person Louise is.  She doesn't have to bad mouth Louise at all; she just has to present the facts.

First, she needs to talk to her parents.  'Mom, Dad, I wanted to let you know that Louise has asked me to step down from the wedding party and has asked me to not attend the wedding at all because I refuse to wear my prothesis.  What do you suggest I do?'  Because, in my mind, Susan still has a choice here.  She can still go to the wedding if she wants to and Louise will just have to deal.  It isn't as nuclear an option as Susan's parents withdrawing from the wedding, which is likely to happen.

Susan won't have to say another word to anyone; her parents are likely to spread the word to close family and friends, if a frank discussion with Dave doesn't bear any fruit.

If I was invited to this wedding and heard about this, proper etiquette be damned.  I'd be rescinding my RSVP and returning the wedding gift I'd purchased.  There is no way in hell I'd ever support this marriage.

[AngelBarchild]

I am not suggesting that the sister stay silent, I am suggesting that she deal with her sister in law, possible her brother. I was taught that when adults have a personal conflict, then the adults involved that deal with it, they don't drag the rest of the family into it, or try to make people hate the other person. Would it be acceptable for the bride to go to her family and tell them how horrible (she feels) the sister is being? No one in this situation is a child, their parents do not need to be involved.
It is not giving in to deal with private problems privately. She should go right up to her sister in law and tell her exactly what she thinks of the situation, and tell her brother as if needs be (he is directly involved in the situation). If she feels her sister in law is being a bigot then she should tell her so. Then the three of them (I'm including the brother) can try to work out their problems, or go their separate if all else fails.

The sister is not being abused, or bullied. In one instance, her sister in law was terribly mean to her.
Without background, pattern of behavior, or any other information what so ever, the bride had been dubbed a bully and the sum of all evils. It has been suggested that the sister attempt to ruin her brothers wedding by convincing everyone not to show up, send mass emails telling everyone what a horrible person the bride is, and attempt have her publicly shunned. Can people really say this is not retaliation?

I have seen on this board, that people can terrible hang ups over things that I find to be ridiculous. Everyone has them, (including me) especially to things that have never been part of their reality. These things take time to adjust to. Sometimes people say terrible mean heartless things, and until the person that was hurt points them out they don't realize just how bad it is. Maybe they will have a moment of clarity, maybe they will just go on being a horrible person, the only way to find out is for person they hurt to tell them just how appalling their behavior was.
If you were judged only by your worst moment would you come out smelling like a rose?

Dignity and grace are do not go away when someone else is crass or nasty, that is when they are needed the most.

[camlan]

I am not suggesting that the sister stay silent, I am suggesting that she deal with her sister in law, possible her brother. I was taught that when adults have a personal conflict, then the adults involved that deal with it, they don't drag the rest of the family into it, or try to make people hate the other person. Would it be acceptable for the bride to go to her family and tell them how horrible (she feels) the sister is being? No one in this situation is a child, their parents do not need to be involved.
It is not giving in to deal with private problems privately. She should go right up to her sister in law and tell her exactly what she thinks of the situation, and tell her brother as if needs be (he is directly involved in the situation). If she feels her sister in law is being a bigot then she should tell her so. Then the three of them (I'm including the brother) can try to work out their problems, or go their separate if all else fails.

The sister is not being abused, or bullied. In one instance, her sister in law was terribly mean to her.
Without background, pattern of behavior, or any other information what so ever, the bride had been dubbed a bully and the sum of all evils. It has been suggested that the sister attempt to ruin her brothers wedding by convincing everyone not to show up, send mass emails telling everyone what a horrible person the bride is, and attempt have her publicly shunned. Can people really say this is not retaliation?

I have seen on this board, that people can terrible hang ups over things that I find to be ridiculous. Everyone has them, (including me) especially to things that have never been part of their reality. These things take time to adjust to. Sometimes people say terrible mean heartless things, and until the person that was hurt points them out they don't realize just how bad it is. Maybe they will have a moment of clarity, maybe they will just go on being a horrible person, the only way to find out is for person they hurt to tell them just how appalling their behavior was.
If you were judged only by your worst moment would you come out smelling like a rose?

Dignity and grace are do not go away when someone else is crass or nasty, that is when they are needed the most.

I agree with you about dignity and grace. And I don't think Susan should go around trying to get people to boycott the wedding.

But how, exactly, can she explain to her parents why she is not attending her brother's wedding? I don't think she should lie and say there's been a "falling out."

To go from being a member of the wedding party to not being invited at all--that's pretty big. And I suspect that the parents on both sides are going to want to know why.

And I don't think Susan should lie or cover up the facts in any way. The chances are high that Susan will be excluded from other events hosted by her brother and FSIL. Should Susan have to cover up for her SIL again and again?

I'd suggest that Susan refer all questioners to her FSIL for answers, but sadly, I'm not sure Louise can be trusted to respond with the truth.

[Bethalize]

I am not suggesting that the sister stay silent, I am suggesting that she deal with her sister in law, possible her brother. I was taught that when adults have a personal conflict, then the adults involved that deal with it, they don't drag the rest of the family into it, or try to make people hate the other person.
[SNIP]

The sister is not being abused, or bullied. In one instance, her sister in law was terribly mean to her.

This is not a personal conflict. A personal conflict is when the bride wants the bridesmaid to wear a strapless dress and the bridesmaid is worried about her flabby upper arms being on display. This is a case of one person dehumanising another.

When did it become etiquette accepted to tell everyone when someone did something mean to you and try to get them to hat the person as well?

Those are two different points. In polite Society when one transgresses in public one used to be censured in public. So it was definitely etiquette to shun people for bad behaviour by the time Queen Victoria was on the throne. Then it was divorce and theft. Now it's treating anyone different as a less-than-human being.

No one is trying to get other people to hate anyone. That's childish. Saying what has happened so people can make up their own minds is quite enough.

[Garden Goblin]

All that has ever been needed for rudeness to triumph is for polite people to do nothing.

[SuperMartianRobotGirl]

The sister is not being abused, or bullied. In one instance, her sister in law was terribly mean to her.
Without background, pattern of behavior, or any other information what so ever, the bride had been dubbed a bully and the sum of all evils. It has been suggested that the sister attempt to ruin her brothers wedding by convincing everyone not to show up, send mass emails telling everyone what a horrible person the bride is, and attempt have her publicly shunned. Can people really say this is not retaliation?

"You have to pretend you don't have a disability or I will kick you out of your brother's wedding and everyone will wonder why you didn't go" is bullying. I suspect the bride's story for why the sister wasn't there would also be.

She doesn't get a world where no one calls her out for this. Politeness doesn't mean you don't acknowledge when you've been wronged - it just tells how to do it.