Possibly the most outrageous request I've ever heard! Update pg. 9, 15, 20, 29

[asb8]

Hello ehellions,

I'm placing this here, on behalf of a friend, because it really has more to do with family dynamics than a wedding. 

B/G:  I have a close friend that was born with her left arm truncating at the elbow.  Her parents did not raise her to believe that she was disabled in anyway and she goes about her life in the same mindset.  She is an outgoing, energetic and perfectly capable woman.  She's only person I know that can change a baby one-handed!

In short, while she has a prosthesis, she very rarely uses it as the effect is purely cosmetic.  Wearing the prosthesis the uncomfortable for her and actually limits her use of her left arm.  She freely admits that she cannot remember why she got the thing in the first place.

End B/G

My friend, Susan, has been asked to be a bridesmaid in her brothe Dave's upcoming wedding.  Dave is marrying Louise.  Louise and Susan are not particularly close but Susan has been subscribing to the theory that she loves her brother and while she and Louise do not have to be friends, they have to be respectful and civil.

Louise recently organized an outing to select bridemaids dresses.  Susan was unable to attend due to a work commitment.  Louise later emailed Susan picture of the dresses selected: a knee-length halter top for the other 3 bridemaids and a high-necked, long sleeved dress for Susan.  Louise explained that she was trying to make Susan's prosthesis look as natural as possible.

Susan was pretty shocked by the comment and as tactfully as possible explained that she was not planning to wear the prosthesis and that she would prefer the halter top dress.  Louise replied that Susan had to wear the prosthetic arm and the chosen dress, as the missing portion of Susan's arm makes Louise uncomfortable.  Furthermore, if Susan refused, then Louise would like her to not only resign from the bridal party but not attend the wedding!

Susan has no problem dropping out of the bridal party (at this point she doesn't want to do it any way) but is at a loss to explain to her family why she won't be at the wedding.  She doesn't want to cause a rift but she can't just refuse to attend without an explaination.  Dave, for the record, doesn't want to be put in the middle.

To complicate matters further, both sides of the family live locally, so Susan can't use distance/time/money to get out of attending.

Help!

[cabbagegirl28]

I would say the truth: "Louise doesn't want to look at me without my prosthesis, and I don't think she decides whether I wear it or not." That will probably cause uncomfortable feelings, but, imo, that's Louise's fault for being rude.

[QueenfaninCA]

Furthermore, if Susan refused, then Louise would like her to not only resign from the bridal party but not attend the wedding!

Susan has no problem dropping out of the bridal party (at this point she doesn't want to do it any way) but is at a loss to explain to her family why she won't be at the wedding.  She doesn't want to cause a rift but she can't just refuse to attend without an explaination.  Dave, for the record, doesn't want to be put in the middle.

If the bride doesn't want me at the wedding, I'd stay home. I wouldn't broadcast my non-attendance or the reason for it, but if asked, I wouldn't lie. The person causing the rift is not Susan. So she shouldn't worry about that. And Dave doesn't really have a choice, because he already has been put in the middle. His soon-to-be wife did something offensive to his sister, so he has to take a side somehow.

Hoping everyone sees the bride as the shallow bridezilla she is.

[SuperMartianRobotGirl]

Dave needs to get the heck in the middle. This shows a great deal about the character of the woman he intends to marry, and I hope his eyes are open. Disgraceful.

[Deetee]

When someone behaves horribly it is not rude ( when asked) to let others know.
" I will be not be attending the wedding because Louise asked me not to unless I wore a prosthetic arm. I am not comfortable wearing the prosthetic so I prefer to not attend"

[MyFamily]

So I wrote out a reply, but QueenfaninCA and SuperMartianRobotGirl posted what I wanted to say already so I'm just going to agree with them.

[Jones]

If the bride uninvited someone from a wedding for a shallow reason like aesthetics,  I fully support not going. When people ask, a matter of fact "I found out the bride was uncomfortable with my missing limb, and I would rather not stir up her discomfort on her day" would not, IMO be rude.

I see many people have replied already. I agree it is not rude to let people know when someone behaves horribly (but only when asked).

[Tabby Uprising]

Dave needs to get the heck in the middle. This shows a great deal about the character of the woman he intends to marry, and I hope his eyes are open. Disgraceful.

Absolutely this!  This isn't some minor squabble about wedding details.  His future wife does not want his sister to attend his wedding unless she wears a prosthetic limb.  That's when you get in the middle!  If he isn't willing to stand up for his own sister than he isn't much different from the woman he intends to marry.

[SleepyKitty]

Furthermore, if Susan refused, then Louise would like her to not only resign from the bridal party but not attend the wedding!

Susan has no problem dropping out of the bridal party (at this point she doesn't want to do it any way) but is at a loss to explain to her family why she won't be at the wedding.  She doesn't want to cause a rift but she can't just refuse to attend without an explaination.  Dave, for the record, doesn't want to be put in the middle.

If the bride doesn't want me at the wedding, I'd stay home. I wouldn't broadcast my non-attendance or the reason for it, but if asked, I wouldn't lie. The person causing the rift is not Susan. So she shouldn't worry about that. And Dave doesn't really have a choice, because he already has been put in the middle. His soon-to-be wife did something offensive to his sister, so he has to take a side somehow.

Hoping everyone sees the bride as the shallow bridezilla she is.

You know, you're totally correct that the appropriate course of action would be to not attend, but also not broadcast what happened.

However, I don't know that I would have the moral willpower not to let everyone involved know exactly why my brother's future wife says that I am not welcome at the wedding. And also, that my brother was such a... *ahem* *repress adjectives that are not E-Hell worthy* *cough cough*...cowardly person that he would not immediately make plain to his future wife that excluding his sister for a reason this ridiculous will not be tolerated.

Dave saying he doesn't want to be put in the middle is Dave saying he cares so little about his sister that he can't be bothered to confront his wife. I know that I would refuse to attend a wedding that was conducted along these lines. This is just so outrageous that, wrong as it may be, I feel like I wouldn't wait to be asked about why I'm not attending.*

*Note that I don't mean calling up random acquaintances who are attending and telling them the story - but family, or very close friends? I wouldn't wait to be asked why I'm not going.

[wonderfullyanonymous]

Wow, just wow...

I can only imagine what being married to Louise is going to be like. I can "hear" a lot of Susan can't come unless she wears her arm, and long sleeves, even if it's the middle of July and 100+ degrees outside.

Susan needs to approach Dave and thank him for all his support, now, and in the future.

I agree that she shouldn't broadcast it, but she shouldn't lie either, nor should she "just wear it and make everyone happy."

Maybe now would be a good time to "lose" it or "break" it.

[Cleargleam]

Dave needs to get the heck in the middle. This shows a great deal about the character of the woman he intends to marry, and I hope his eyes are open. Disgraceful.

I completely agree. 

[SamiHami]

It doesn't speak very well of Dave that he didn't have a major come-to-deity chat with his little bridezilla to be. This is his sister that she's being so nasty to!

Quite frankly, I doubt that either of them are mature enough to be married.

I would absolutely not attend and I would not hesitate to tell anyone why. It's not Susan's job to protect this bridezilla from her own bad behavior; if there is any backlash, then it's what Louise earned.

[rose red]

Dave does not want to be in the middle, but he's already chosen a side.  He's willing to let his sister miss his wedding.  I would not attend the wedding of these two people and will tell the real reason to those who ask.  There is no reason to protect people who treat you this way.

If the OP was asked to wear an ugly dress or a beehive hairdo, I would say to suck it up.  But this is not about appearance, it is about acceptance and she is not being accepted for who she is.

[mj]

I would say the truth: "Louise doesn't want to look at me without my prosthesis, and I don't think she decides whether I wear it or not." That will probably cause uncomfortable feelings, but, imo, that's Louise's fault for being rude.

This, absolutely.

Additionally,  Louise when asked about Susan at the wedding may say Susan refused to come. Without explaining her order that Susan must wear a prosthetic in order to even attend the wedding at all. 

[Slartibartfast]

I don't see anything wrong with answering "Because the bride uninvited me.  She thinks my missing arm will ruin her wedding so she told me I have to stay home."  Someone ought to knock some sense into the bride (and the brother!).